Page 94-Wtf

I had surgery about a week ago. It really seems like a month. All I have had to do is take drugs and just sit quietly. All this free time makes one's mind just go places you usually don't have the time to go. We are occupy with distractions to really focus on what we are and what we have become. I had the luxury of such a journey to the soul. I was alone for the most part of my hospitalization. I have a wife I think and I have family. My perception was that if someone really wanted to be by your side their actions would dictate such. I was also thinking what why we think we need someone by our side as we go through difficult times. Yes it's nice and eases the stress of the situation, but in the end we are left to our management skills to deal with such things. No one can feel what you feel. No one can exactly think what you think. No one can cradle the amount of fear and joy one can experience in this lifetime. But I believe that it's in our dna to one to cling on to one another. I guess the reason I'm writing about this topic is cause I stop writing. I stop writing a little more than a year ago and here am struggling to finsih. I am very rusty but with partice I'll turn this rust to into art.
Bare with me cause this is going to get sloppy and ugly....

Page 93- I loved you to death....almost...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

¹sui·cide

 noun \ˈsü-ə-ˌsīd\

a :  the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind

b :  ruin of one's own interest

: the act of killing yourself because you do not want to continue living

: a person who commits suicide

: an action that ruins or destroys your career, social position, etc.

Day 24 and I never thought I would see the number again. The morning of Sunday March 30, 2014 will be my D-Day. Day when the invasion of my heart and soul got invaded by the darkest, most desperate thoughts and feelings I have ever endured. As the blade rubbed against my wrist I was expecting the pain to stop me from making mince meat of my flesh. I was numb to it all. The pain, the process, the blood. For a second it made me stop and think about what I was doing but only a second. My life had no meaning, my journey had no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I had officially given up on life. As the tears painted the masterpiece of horror which was my heart breaking for the last, I completely lost perspective of why I am here. I have failed as a musician. I have failed as a son. I have failed as a brother. I have failed as a father. I have failed as husband and now the one thing I strive to achieve in my life was in sense being taken from me. My marriage. When she muttered the words " I don't love you anymore and I think this is heading for a divorce" I snapped. I babbled. I cried. I kept talking to myself. Nothing was calming down. Another slash, blood repeat and repeat. "I am calling the police" penetrated my bubble of insanity and pain. My wife was screaming through the locked door in our bathroom. I could suddenly feel the knife cutting and the colorfulness of the blood caught my attention. "I can't do this here, I can't do this here" I mumble to myself as I ran out of the house with the knife in hand. I didn't want children services to take my kids away from their home once I completed the act. This was motivation and what ultimately saved my life that day. As I was running down the stairs to my car I got a bit of a rush knowing that I have finally hit rock bottom in my life. My life had such chaos that in the midst of it I got caught up in the drama of things. I got in the car and speed away.I purposely left my cell phone so they wouldn't be able to track me via gps on my phone. I even drove over the county line to another county so they wouldn't be able to come after me. As I was scouting a spot to finish what I started, the tears and pain of everyone I love engulfed my mind and soul. I envision my own funeral couldn't bear the tears, I couldn't bear the pain I was inflicting through my selfish actions. 
I jump back in time as I run through my head the events that lead me to this very point. I could almost pinpoint the genesis of this downward spiral. I was eight years old and church was our main social setting back in the day. It was a Friday night and church started around eight o'clock. For some reason I decide tonight I would conduct a bit of a social experiment. I sat in the last pew of the church and waiting to be noticed. One hour, two hours and not a single wave or look to say hello. I started to get sad and sad turn into pain and pain eventually turn to tears. When the service was the routine was to hang out in front of the church and wait on our parents to come out. This was the main socializing opportunity we had as kids. So I pick my spot outside and gave the experiment one more chance. Same result and this is when the river of tears and heartache overwhelmed me. To my surprise the pastor's older son, who I didn't really talk to came up to me and did his best to cheer up my weeping spirit. The funny thing about this story is that it was well over twenty five years ago and not till recently did this occurred to me. That I did get noticed and that some cared enough to talk me down and realize that I am important. Sometimes we get so focused on what we think we need, that what we were looking for was there the entire time. If you take a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the center of it what do you see. A dot or a white piece of paper with a dot in the middle.  That tunnel vision is what lead to my pit of hopelessness and despair. We as human being tend to put a lot of stock in others, even salvation instead of believing in ourselves. I am so guilty of this its not even funny. This is a dangerous path cause it leads to not having any self worth, no self esteem and not loving and forgiving oneself. All these ingredients are a recipe for suicide. I still stand firm that everything happens for a reason and I am glad I came to this point in my life. I'm a better person for it and it force me to get the help I desperately needed. 
But that day I wanted to once again bury the trauma like I always did. I ditched the knife and headed back to my house hoping that she was bluffing about the cops. As I got closer to the complex we live in, I saw a cruiser waiting at the entrance. Whatever emotion I had left made me sick to my stomach. Here it is the consequence of a stupid thirty second decision.  I parked the car across the street and sneaked in through the back of the building. I thought they were gone put the minute the door shut behind me they came around the corner with guns drawn. I already had ditch the knife not to confuse them and possible cause a suicide by cop scenario. I didn't resist and I felt the cold steel of handcuffs for the first time in my life. They started in on me about my reasons for my action. My tears at that point did most of the talking as I got escorted downstairs to the cruiser. As if the embarrassment wasn't enough here comes my mom running from her car in tears. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I made my mom cry and at that point I didn't want to be alive to have to witness a second longer. It took everything in my power to keep whatever of composure I had left to look her in the eye. That was the  only time I was happy to be in a cruiser.I took all in as I rode prisoner in this vehicle. How quickly life changes in a blink of an eye.  I leave this where it's at with this last thing. On the way to hospital I told the cop this. "I guess riding in handcuffs can be taken off my bucket list, I got to laugh officer cause its all I got left."



Only by contending with challenges that seem to be beyond your strength to handle at the moment you can grow more surely toward the stars.
Brian Tracy

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight

Page 92-Davenport we have a problem

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

My hands shake as my nerves calm down from the eruption of emotions that have occurred in the last two hours or so. I thought I had this covered from my experiences in the psych wards.   My heart races like a river and my mind scramble to regain control. I have to much venom in my veins to behave like a civilized human being at this moment and I can recognize that. Thank god for anxiety drugs and sleeping medication. I am trying new things to easy my state of mind and writing while in this chaotic mode is something new for me of sorts.  I am trying to rationalized in my head when someone tells you that they love you and care about but does not want to work on the relationship. Its a bit of a mind fuck. I mean does it make sense to you. Its seem like a test of sorts and I am to old and worn down for these games. Unfortunately  I have been in this kind of environment for way to long and I seem to play right along like a veteran. I try to place my issues in a higher power. I try to use logic, but my emotions are like an untamed beast ready to feast upon its closest prey.

How does one deal with such a beast. Some would say to slay the beast or trap it put in a cage to relocate. How does one do that with one's heart and soul. How does one tell the very thing that makes you feel alive to stop feeling cause the source isn't there anymore. Physically its there but its all but a shell of its former self. All I have left is the memories of what once was and its a very dangerous thing. Living in the past is very easy to do and almost impossible to forget. Thinking of a future without the possibility of created past memories is torture for the present. I am talking about the shell of a marriage I am living in. We have become extremely toxic. Pain is the universal link that connects us all, but its also what binds us and drowns us if we don't let go. Letting go is part of life, a painful one but a necessary one. Death is the final letting go process we will all cross it one day and the end of relationships is practice for when our time comes. I really suck at letting go especially when we have children and I see her in there smile, in there laugh, in the tears in the eyes and in their hearts. I try to rejoice that we made such beautiful children together but I carry much sorrow at the fact that we can't witness their evolution together hand in hand. Life teaches us many thing and usually after the fact. I'm a bad student cause I refuse to learn my lesson cause I don't want to let go of my mistakes. I cling on to this hope, to this invisible light that apparently only I see. I believe cause its all I have left. I believe cause I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This rambling has gone long enough. Love the ones nearest and dearest to you cause they is guarantee that they will be there tomorrow to hear you voice to see your eyes to feel  your love. Embrace the moments cause in the end memories is all that will keep us alive forever.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

George Jean Nathan

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight. 

Page 91-Meds, fear, Meds, anxiety, Meds, Nirvana...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


As the beads of sweat race out of my head, the internal turmoil is at its boiling point. I haven't felt this anxious in a very long, long time. My breathing gets more shallow with each word I type. I feel as if the ghost of the past rise from their graves to start their overnight shift. Working on me. They work me good and they work my efficiently. My life has had so many twists and turns that I just about ready to vomit from this tea cup ride. My stomach is a mixture of fear and pain. My heart is being pushed to its limit. My mind is on a bad trip, as visions of the future mirror scenarios from the past. I am trying so damn hard to break my defects that makes this play of life of mine so much harder. I am like a junkie wanting a fix. Someone anyone that would take inconsideration all my fears and concerns are address. I want to inject the venom that is flowing through my veins at this very moment upon my nearest innocent victim. I have taken twice the recommend dose of my anxiety meds and it seems to just make it worst. Change is hard even with the will to execute it. Whats that saying doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is called what insanity. What if you don't know another way. What if you were not taught such a thing as option 2 existed. I am just rambling at this point and if you are following me to this point well then god bless you. I really had a thought process for this post but my god has it gone awry. The meds are starting to kick in and they are numbing my heart and soul at the moment. I am escaping hoping to survive this ambush of emotions and thoughts. This is hard my god is this hard. Even with the best intentions change is freaking hard. Before the meds completely subdue my thoughts I will leave you guys with this. Life is a constant learning cause it comes with no handbook or study guide to all the constant test we are constantly being tested on.


Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
George Bernard Shaw

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 90- Life why do you take up so much of my time...

 I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me.”

-C.Joy-Bell.C-

I have been away from my desk and my head for a while. I am almost trying to remind myself why did I do this in the first place. Fame and fortune well duh of course. I would think delusion and fantasy would take the rest of the top of the list and somewhere in the mix expression. Oh yeah that pesky things, feeling and stuff. Thought and meaning to this circus of mine and the world that surrounds it. I am so bad and even keeping this blog somewhat fluid. I am pretty sure that my last post had some kind of to be continued crap at the end as if I was a real writer or something. The epic story of my time, the great voice of this generation. Wawak, wawak, wawak....
I am a messy of a human being physically, emotionally and mentally. Why am even allowed around people my wife and children is beyond me. I feel subhuman a lot of the time. I feel like I am here on guest pass of some sort just to watch and take notes for my report. My report to whom or what I don't even know. I am noticing that am drifting a bit so I am going to try to bring myself back a bit. 
It's been about a month since I wrote much of anything and I don't really even care. I have had my inspirational moments here and there but my laziness is a force to be reckoned with. It is true that I am working now and we have moved in into our place with the help of my mother who I am trying to make a saint. The paper work is ridiculous but she's worth the effort. The clan is back together and order is in dire need. Me and the old lady are functioning quite well especially with her going back to work.  Its been quite hard on her and on top of that she claims throne to the title of bread winner for the family for the time being. I am very proud of her and its like she is growing up right before my eyes. I don' take for granted anytime I have with them cause I was all alone not to long ago. I have truly been blessed. I can't really explain the joy I feel in my heart and its something I study everyday cause its very new to me. I like it and I don't want it to go away. 
I know I am getting old when my wrists are already feel the burn from this short typing session. I also need to go take my meds to. So before I go I would like to thank all of you who still follow my silly little story and I thank you for sticking it out cause there will always be more to come. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 89-I'm sick of titles and thoughts

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a 
successful personality and duplicate it"
-Bruce Lee-



I am hitting a rut once again and this song and dance is repeated so often that at this point its torment. I can't seem to find a happy medium at all. I swear life has surveillance of me twenty four seven. How else can it possibly know the minute something is turning for the better or I am having a good day or moment it smites me down and into the pit of despair I go. Do I set my self up? Do I conduct my life in a way that predetermines this type of reaction? I don't know, I hope not. But here it is a new year and the same old routine. I build myself up to have high expectations and I really do try to be positive. I even repeat my lines, everything happens for a reason, there is someone who is in a worst position than me, be grateful for the little I have, god with us then who against us, and so on and so on. But the reality of the situation is this. I sleep on a pallet of blankets as my bed. I live away from the children, I am back with my old lady but yet I feel more alone than ever, my job prospects are taking way to long.
These are the thoughts of of me nearly a month later and so much has changed. According to this I lasted posted about January 26th and this draft has been siting here since about the same time. How violent and unforgiving life is at time. We tend to forget or grow numb to its wrath and power life contains. One minute things are good, one second we are carrying a hand basket heading to hell. Well a quick update from my so called life.. Apparently I must be a unfortunate teller of my own destiny at times cause that line I wrote, there is someone who is in a worst position than me applied well to me. We were ejected from our living situation  at the beginning of this month. What the ultimate truth or motives where for that exodus we won't ever really know. Its is what it is. We as human beings have conditioned ourselves to lie first seek the truth later. I am guilty of this as much as anyone. So I now know that feeling that chicken was feeling in the childhood story.. the sky is falling. So the actual sensation of completely hitting rock bottom and realizing that you have lost even the roof over your head is so devastating  I thought I would not be able to survive it. But I got to give god credit cause he built us to be relentless sons of bitches. So after hibernating till we had to pack our stuff and leave we end up at my mom's house. The woman is a saint and I would be so lost without her. I don't think I would ever be able to truly express what that woman has done for me. She has been my saving grace and I just pray I would be able to repay the love and patience and support in this lifetime or the next. She help me and my old lady with a place nearby her house where we would be near our kids. We can now see them everyday and start mending this god awful we let fester and eat away at our family....
to be continued... 

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks 
others have thrown at him"
-David Brinkly-




I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 88-Sobering up is for the birds...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
-Johnathan Safran Foer-


I just had the most amazing sex with my wife and I am starting to give to the seduction of alcohol. I normally don't kiss and tell that much but my lose lips are running the show at the moment. I know once she finds out about this she is going to kick me ass. Not to concern about that right now. I have been in such a downward spiral for way to long not to enjoy this moment. The balance is still way off but I am trying to live in the moment. I need to express this feeling, this different mood, I think ya call it happiness. Happiness is a delusion that I desperately try to cling on to and at the moment I got it by the neck and I am winning this battle. So happiness sorry for you bud, cause your here to stay for at least a few hours. This leaves me with much to learn and much to enjoy. The sun will come up tomorrow and I will take a breath, hopefully, look over at my old lady and go meet the day. Tomorrow I have a big day with a good job prospect and a day with my children. I hope these stains of utter despair and emotional sabotage won't leave to bad of an imprint on my children's lives and personalities. When you have lost it all the sky is the limit. The world is born again and I am allowed to rise from the ashes like a phoenix and leave my mark on this world. I am not bitter like I would think I would be. Losing everything, memento's, pictures, childhood toys, my kid's toys, etc... I have learn that I will always have my memories and the ability to make new ones of my family and friends. I have much to learn and appreciate and I thank god for everything he has given me and taken as well. I didn't deserve it, I didn't learn my lessons. Everything happens for a reason, for hindsight is twenty twenty. Everything is precious cause we are here to realize that it is. 
Sobering up is for the birds. Not two seconds after I took a break from writing this did life find out I was in a good mood and knocked my teeth down my throat. I haven't been to current with my current events so here go the cliff notes. Me and my old lady had a bit of a misunderstanding about a month ago. This lead to someone having to our current living situation. The kind folks that were opening their home to us didn't want this drama unfolding in their home. So it was advised to us that one of us had to leave to settle down the situation. My old lady took off to a supposed friend's house which I knew was complete bull shit. I come to find out that she was lying to me like my gut instructed me from the get go.  Let's just say it was a very inappropriate peace for a married woman to be at. These inappropriate situations are a common theme throughout our marriage lately and because of it I have been advised by practically everyone in my life to get out of dodge. The reasoning has always been in my head. One plus One equals two and there is no room for anyone else in this equation. So when you shove a one plus one plus one it become unbalanced and chaos ensues. My heart has a gambit of scars and memories enough for a few lifetimes. Forgiveness is something that is running scarce these days. Well a certain person from this inappropriate place she was staying at send me a few pics that devastated my world. My heart start pounding so hard it felt like I had a jackhammer in my chest. My eyes swelled as my pain manifested into tears and flowed like water. Once again a nightmare had become a reality. Alice Cooper's song welcome to my nightmare plays in my head echoing as my mind goes blank with devastation. My old lady eyes freeze with panic and the air becomes thick with tension. She goes to deny it put there is nothing she can do or say to change the images burned in my mind for eternity. My eyes run in every directions screaming to jump out of my head as the source of pain gets closer to comfort me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry she says. These words are empty with sentiment to my ears, as years of such words have grown cold and useless. What now, what now. My brain is on fire as I try to process this once again. I am replaceable, I am not good enough, I am nothing, I am not loved, I am not needed, I am in pain, I am to suffer, I am back here again, I am stupid. Such phases paint themselves in the halls of my mind, so with every passing I can't help but to noticed them on my way to my journey. I wish I was drunk right now. Being sober is for the fucking birds..

“Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.” 
-Violetta Parra-


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.