page 53-Life is like a box of legos where rebuilding is fun yet plastic and cold

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Never think that you're not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. People will take you very much at your own reckoning."

- Anthony Trollope

My world runs like the weather. Somedays are rainy, some are cloudy. Sometimes its sunny with a chance of showers. I have many things brewing in my heart and mind and I have yet the proper words to regurgitate. Things are finally getting on the right track. Well I at least say I think I'm on the right track. I was in limbo what it seems like an eternity. I'm looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. Slowly I'm finding the crumbs on the trail. Hopefully the crumbs will lead me out forest and not straight into a trap. While I'm picking up crumbs here something to snack on while I find my way.

Through rose covered words
My heart soars, it flies
I give away my ability to hide
My untouchable logical side

With each loving spoken word
The sins of the past slowly burn
With every vision place upon my eyes
Hope and desire sit by my side

The test of wills, the test of time
My faith in these things are never high
Give up the plan, give up my world
Life a lego box where rebuliding is fun yet plastic and cold

Mine your thoughts, carefully speak your mind 
Pain an everlasting scar and healing falls to the wasteside
Wait for rain, wait for the rising sun
My skin gets warm as my eyes match the storm inside

Read my riddles decipher my rhymes
Every word can corrupt every sentence numbing like wine
This war, this cancer erupts and destroys me inside
Leaving me hollow, will you help seed my spirit, my life

"Life is an error-making and an error-correcting process, and nature in marking man's papers will grade him for wisdom as measured both by survival and by the quality of life of those who survive."
- Dr. Jonas Salk

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 52-The wonderful facts of one's existence

Iwould like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."

- Jacques Prvert

Well me and my mother just got into a bit if an argument. She was again is referring to my old lady as the crazy one and its getting on my nerves. Look I am not blind to the facts in my on going saga. I know the things she's done and what's she capable. I've spoken about some of the issues that have occurred and some I haven't. The point is she has a name like you and me. I feel she doesn't respect my boundaries and my feelings. I love my mother. My mother is my rock right now. I would be in much worse shape if it wasn't for her unknowingly support at times. She is my biggest critic. She is one of the most confusing people I know as well. For example she has given me this complex about food. I call her the Food Nazi, lol. I have always had a a weight issue my entire life. This issue has created a gateway to other problems in my life. Self worth, depression, social anxiety, alienation and so on. She's been on my ass for as long as I can remember about my eating habits. I'll admit I ate like shit for most of my life until recently. God bless her intentions but her execution is god awful. She would catch me eating like cookies and would give me the riot act. Its pure sugar, its going to be the death of you, look at how fat your getting, blah,blah,blah. After being berated about an hour later she would try to feed me a full course meal. Mind you I just finished stuffing my face with cookies. This cycle was perpetrated most of my life. I eventually became this hoarder of food. Hiding stuff in my room, lying that I haven't ate to appease her when she served me dinner and getting so full that it got hard to breath at times. These kind of mix signals confused me all the time. What made it worst was the fact I couldn't verbalize my thoughts and feelings to her cause she just wasn't open to it. I know she'll never read this, so I feel safe speaking my mind without guilt or consequence. She'll probably never get to know the real me, but sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. Then the argument went into my meds I take for depression and anxiety. She started preaching to me how I don't need to be on those meds cause I was allowing the devil to manifest himself in my life. Since I wasn't looking for god in my life I was allowing myself to be chained down by this affliction. I blew my stack a bit. This is why I don't say anything about my recent therapy session. This is why I strongly believe the less she knows the better. She is old school and she isn't willing to update herself. I struck back at her saying was I a vessel back when I was 7 years old and was aware that something was off about me. I don't enjoy being afraid of life. I don't plan out to sit in a dark room all day and not live life to the fullest. All these negative habits feel completely normal to me.   That's why I do them without thinking twice. It's not till I'm neck deep in shit until I step back and look at myself. I then see what I've done once again. I don't find the strength to push through cause it's pointless. My will has been in shambles for so long I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it. That's my life in a nutshell. That's a peak at what my perceptive is on life. For these reasons is why I write this blog. Why I play music and create. Why I am on my stupid meds. So I can finally get a grip on my life before I'm on my deathbed going what the fuck happened. This is just another day in the life of yours truly and we have just scratched the surface. 

"At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you're living your life doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're comfortable with it."

- Phillip C. McGraw

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 51-Love is selfless suicide

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

All I know is that
Love is selfless suicide
From my past and present
State of mind and continuing exodus

I show the world my lack of focus
And inability to walk without falling
From morning's dawn to life's extinction
These thoughts clamp my ability to find redemption

From my continuous downward spiral
That takes my breath with no hesitation
I choke from the constant lack of oxygen
That represents love, affection and unconditional adoration

Love is selfless suicide
That gives these words purpose in your mind
For pain is our universal lifeline
That we constantly call for answers that never come in time

Remember the stories from the old
To help mend bridges from broken torn souls
We are our own single warzone and bliss
Mix with toxicity, love, and stupidity

We break bread with those we hold
We shed tears and liquor for our dead
A true act of selfless suicide
Is the compassion and love we are constantly willing to sacrifice

This is all l got guys I'm pretty drained.  Pray, think, wish me well, whatever it is you do to think of others and wish them well. Got to recharge, got to recharge. I love you all for your percious time. Be at peace for turmoil runs vampit in this world. 

"If you are not big enough to lose, you are not big enough to win."
- Walter Reuther

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 50-Controlled chaos is sustaining chaos

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

cha·os
noun
1 obsolete : chasm, abyss
2 a often capitalized : a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct form
b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex 
3 a : a state of utter confusion 
b : a confused mass or mixture 

I think this is my next state of progression. Controlled chaos is the best description I can come up with. I'm slowly moving underneath the rock that was crushing me. Thou I found some sort of comfort in that slow steady pain as well. Not a good thing but I'm finally taking the proper steps to better myself. As I sit here at the doctor's office I can only help but be reminded of her. My controlled chaos is definitely in effect. Do I not know how to function without her? I'm surprise I can still shove food into my gullet and wipe my own ass without her in my brain reminding me so. I am surrounded by children cause this is a pediatric office. This one kid keeps running into my foot, stares at my foot, walkes by it and on his way back runs into my foot again. I mean come on is he dopey or just an asshole I'm still trying to figure it out. These little games is what I use to keep me occupied so I don't let my anxiety take over and I run out of this office. Everyone is staring at me cause I'm the only adult in here by myself. Now these rugrats are beating on the kiddie table like the savages they are. How did I manage when my kids were this young? Oh that's right I was held at gunpoint by fatherhood! Its amazing what we are capable of if we allow ourselves to be a vessel to our potential. I mean it only took me 2 months to get to this point. I'm waiting to be picked apart by a complete stranger I'm suppose to trust cause of a piece on thier wall. Its insane the things we are willing to submit ourselves to certain people but not others. Everyone has thier own cubbie hole. There is order in insanity. I mean if there wasn't how else would we be able to acknowledge and define it. I mean the whole concept of life is full of strangers. When we are conceived its 2 strangers going at it. When we are born it takes time for the parents to figure out this little person patterns and traits. First time in school and work and so on you get the picture. Its this ingrained process we are taught throughout our lives that allows most of us to function and excell in this complex world we have created. So many of us are casualties cause we don't fully grasp the concept. Our mind and soul are not in sync. Basic human functions go awry,  manifest, and manipulate our lives. Fear, chaos, sadness, and pain run hand in hand through our lives destabilizing any foundation we attempt to set. I picture it like the tasmanian devil running a muck like in the cartoons. 
There's nothing nobody can do but wait till it's over to survey the damage. As I sit here writing this I wonder when my taz moment will approach again. I'm hoping that I'm past those self destructive moments but its really difficult to gauge it at the moment. 

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin 

"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, 'Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.' We can decide to risk that He is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
- Joan Wester Anderson

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 49-The more you suffer the more you show you really care

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"The more you suffer , the more you show you really care."
- The Offspring, Smash

My mind won't allow my heart to take a break. I actually have a metallic taste in my mouth at the moment. I feel like I'm running from something towards something worse. The anxiety is mutating my ability to ge logical at the moment. The fact is what I'm feeling is all self induced and I feel stupid for it. I feel to much right now. I'm completely overwhelmed with images and scenarios that they are comical. So comical that I'm embarrassed to even write them down. Me and her, the kids are going to be just fine and happy. Ha! We are going to love each other so much that all will be forgiven and forgotten. Ha, ha!! We will prove the world wrong and be a shining example to our children on how faith and love will conquer all. Ha, ha, ha!!! My eyes tear up as I sit here alone writing this to a faceless audience. My bed has the scent of dirty socks and stale baby powder. My kids will awake to yet another day without thier mother. She will awake next to her boyfriend. My heart will remain torn and open so the maggots can feast and hollow me out as I feel every piece chewed and swallowed. The voice of friends, family, and my children will occupy my time but can't cure me of my affliction. I am my own worst enemy and escaping is not a good enough reason. Welcome to 15 minutes of my daily struggle, the war within, that I can't seem to find peace or reason. The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. I don't know if I'm learning anything at all. After going through that bit of self torture last night I finally fell asleep only to be woken up by the screams of my mom at the front door. I jumped out of bed and ran towards the front door. Thoughts of rape or murder are dashing right next to each other as I get to the door. I prepare myself to go into a life and death struggle with the will to end who ever started this. I feverishly scrape at the lock on the door to offer her some relief. My heart pounds like the thunderstorm of anger I'm willing to unleash to protect my mom. In a split second I rip the door open and everything stops. My fear, my anger, my desperation all withers away. Then my heart sinks and breaks at the sight my eyes stumbled upon. This baby kitten is pawing at my mom's leg desperately trying to get in. The kitten was starving and deathly afraid of the world it was thrust upon. I immediately hold our enormous Doberman so it doesn't eat it as a snack. I can't get involved. I can't care for someone else, not now. Not at 5 in the morning, not today, not tomorrow. I go back to my room and shut down my feelings. I hear the cries of this innocent scratching at the door, scratching into my conscious. I can't help but to see this as a metaphor for my old lady. Thou not an innocent her infantile actions and descions have left her crying and wanting to come home. Wanting to be save from the scray world she is ill prepared to function in. Like the kitten I to must turn my back on her. I must shutdown my emotions to protect myself. I can not take the chance of saving her cause I know now I can't. I have lost myself to many times in the process. I have to save myself, it sounds selfish but if I'm out if comission then what good am I to anyone. That's kind of the state I'm in now. She must weather the storms of life and survive to see the sunshine again. If its meant to be it will and life goes on regardless cause by the end of this two things happened. I fell back asleep eventually and the kitten when on to its destiny. Till we meet again.

To love is a thing of honor...most ppl cant do it. What ever she gave was all she had..its like a child who does not know something. Why would anger be appropiate if the person just does not know any better. Betrayal is rough...but it was a choice. Ppl tend to make bad choices. That is the fool.
-Deziyah Harvey

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 48-Living with anxiety

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

The anxiety of living is quite paralyzing. I look at my fellow man and envy his ability to function so efficiently. Hi how are you. Time to go to work. Ask the waiter for a refill. Ask for directions when lost. Walk up and introduce yourself. I find all these insignificant tasks brutal to attempt. It like another language to me. I just can't translate it properly. This is why when I find a comfort zone I hold on to it for dear life. It's like drowning in a sea of emotions and finally finding that piece of debris and holding on to it for dear life. This is how I exist in a world that lives every second. I live by constantly hitting the pause button on life cause to this day I can't catch up. This is how I repeat the cycle of mistakes cause there is comfort in failures and misery. Happiness what is that? Sustainable happiness, shit that's like winning the lottery to me. When your use to rejection like I am the one person that breaks that pattern becomes godly in my eyes. You have to try to understand that how everyone that knows me views me with all these great qualities will never reach my sight. My old lady was the first woman to pay me the attention I was starving for. I was so sick of the f word. Friends we could be friends. I needed another friend like I needed cancer. A friend can't hold you or whisper the words that healed my bleeding heart. Every I love you, every kiss, every stroke of her hand on my body cemented her statue I had erected in my mind. It was the thread that mended my broken heart and spirit. This is why I yearn for her. That's why I want to believe that part of her still burns for me somewhere in that seemingly cold heart of hers. 
That's why ladies and gentleman I am the walking definition of the word Fool! I'm hoping in time all this knowledge will leak out of my brain and drain into my heart. I need to feed this straving hunger for attention through other means than her destructive manners. Only time will finish this story cause I can go all day with my theories. So huddle up folks its showtime.

"Roads"

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Lyrics by Portishead 

"The person who is waiting for something to turn up might start with their shirt sleeves."
- Garth Henrichs

"Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice."
- George Jackson


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 47-Top 10 differences between love and marriage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."

- Christina Georgina Rossetti

Top 10 differences between love and marriage

1. Love is cuddling on the couch. Marriage is deciding which couch.

2. Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering TV.

3. Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

4. Love is talking about having kids. Marriage is talking of getting a break from the kids.

5. Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is nothing in the bank.

6. Love is when you phone each other just to say Hi. Marriage is when you phone each other to find out when to pick up the kids.

7. Love is like one long sweet dream. Marriage is like an alarm clock.

8. Love is when you say you would go through hell for her. Marriage is hell.

9. Love is when you decide to become one. Marriage is when you try to decide which one.

10. Love is when he yearns for her. Marriage is when he earns for her.

This is what mind wanders to while trying to guide me through this mess. I figure I would give you guys a small tour of the process. Now that we have explored my coping aspect through comdey, least see what happens when it goes numb and I go on auto pilot. 

Waiting for her ghostly voice

The drizzle of faith creeps away

Whenever my body hits the floor

I hope to love once again

Never ask never tell a soul

Struggle makes no sound only incinerates poise

For ever word that l leave with her

A thousand more wait to take thier turn

Sickness over takes remorse

Casualties flow like summers rain

I look around for guidance

Only to find the source of my true pain

Never enough bandages to cover

This growing emptiness in my torn open veins

Finding morphine for my soul

Is like trying to find solace for the insane

She tucks me in my sorrow

Under these terms, I don't lead I simply follow

I learn to love, I learn to hate

She slowly bleeds me until I evaporate

She loves me tender, she loves me hollow

The course of these actions are toxic, please don't follow

My children watch this utter dismantle

Of a fortress of love, forgiveness and power

"A very large amount of human suffering and frustration is caused by the fact that many men and women are not content to be the sort of beings that God has made them, but try to persuade themselves that they are really beings of some different kind."

- Eric Mascall

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 46-Living alone is a complicated relationship status..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday and it hit me. It hit me really fucking hard. I'm doing this. I'm shopping for my kids. I'm looking around me and see a bunch of families shopping. I mean I know what I have been doing this whole time, but it seems that my feelings have finally chased me down. The robotic mechanism that keeps my emotions in check is malfunctioning. I'm overwhelmed with raw emotion. She is really gone. One day all of this will end and all will be lost to the world. Is this why I chase the rabbit down the hole. Just for the chase so I have a purpose.  Why am I convinced that I need her? What the fuck is she doing right now? Shopping for 2. Sleeping in? Does her heart even beat anymore? She like a vampire, she feeds on you and almost bleeds you dry. She's smart cause she'll leave enough life in you to recover so she can feed later on when she's needs you. I'm at fault again.  I am guilty of my actions followed by my heart. A wise friend told me once that your heart will betray you always. That we have to think with our minds and push emotion to the side.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

I am constantly doing these 2 things over and over. I'm being counter productive.  This explains why I'm in the postion I'm in. The fact that I'm aware of this terrible habit is what really burns me. Me and my old lady been talking for the past week. She's been expressing her regret and wants to come home. Home, what is home? What's my home? Mind you that I love my family very much and there is no doubt that I would be lost without them. But the reality of the situation is that I'm living with my mom and this is her home. So I have no home to bring her back. Bring her back as all if you read in horror I'm sure. Why do I fight for her to pay attention to me? Why do I feel I need to torment myself to the point of no return before I give up? I give up only to start the cycle again. Once again I'm in my hamster wheel going nowhere. For what? She left disrespecting me, my family, my children and especially herself in the process. She left for another man cause she couldn't handle the ups and downs of life. She blames everyone so easily rather than herself. She has no grit. When the tough gets going she gets going. She continues to overlooks what I'm worth. Of course until the shit hits the fan and she comes calling for me to save the day. I'm no savior.  I can't even save myself at the moment. As I write all these things about I've yet have not had the switch turned to off. One of the few pieces of advice that has resonated with me. This person also suffered a similar situation with her marriage.  She as I, was yanked in all kinds of direction pertaining to her marriage.  She said to me do what you think is best for your family. Don't rush anything let time play it out. If its meant to work out it will. It takes both of you to make it happen with your actions. Words will always follow great deeds of actions. At the end of the day its your life, you have to sleep with yourself and awake with the same person. One day you'll wake up and the switch will be  set to off.
Then the aspect of me over thinking. I think it's pretty obvious I do that quite well. I refuse to really confront the reality of my situation and refuse to make a decisive. Its to risky to leave the mundane safety of my hamster wheel.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."
- Jo Coudert, Advice From A Failure

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 45-It will be our dirty secert

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

The dark smothered me as he gently but his hands on my back. The fear poured out of me as quickly as my tears. I didn't want to see his eyes. I didn't want to hear his voice. "Everything will be ok" he reassured me. His lies vibrated off his forked tongue. What have I done? Not again. Why am I frozen in fear? He slipped his hand down my back ending his journey at my tail bone. I softly say no. My eyes shut as I pray to god to save me. There is no respond. I am left alone. I am to bear the full force of evil and twisted sexuality. Only the echo of me saying no over and over gently fill the room. They say everything happens for a reason. I don't think there would ever be a good enough reason for anyone especially a child to endure this. There is no escape  decending into my nightmare. My mind shutters not being able to process these events. As the elastic of my underwear gets  pulled like a lion tearing into a gazelle, I go blank. I don't remember anything but tears and betrayal. I remember my little hands trying. They tried so hard to fight him off. But like many aspects of my life I failed. The beast has won again and all I can do is just wait for it to be over. As the security of dawn broke the darkness around me, I remember being sick. I remember being in the bathroom and not knowing why I was going so much. I unfortunately know now. I know now. They say ignorance is bliss. Godamn me for being smart, lol. What contiunes to happen in these many chapters of my life will have to wait for another day. Another day where courage will sit next to me again and hold my hand.

What I just wrote I have not processed fully till this very moment. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing. I know I've carried this part of my life in a box for a very long time. What is going to happen for opening this box I will only learn in time. Time has been a hell of teacher of mine. I have always wondered what the ramifications of these events have and will impact my life. I really had nothing planned to speak off today.  It was a pretty pale exsistance of a day. To tell you the truth I was pretty worned out from yestetdays festivities. I want to end this post with a suggestion from a friend. 

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies." You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks." No thanks," the man replies." I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues." OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in." Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies." TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy." It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off." Yes it is," replies the man." Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks." OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage." Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy." How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy." Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says." SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Love is but a moment in time. Faith is believing love is there when we feel it not, life is the struggle to attain love and have the faith to keep it for as long as we can...Richie G...

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 44-Knowing and playing the part..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Today I'm going to start with a brief story that baffles me. I was taking some people to the airport today, as usual some banter begins. She was an older Hispanic woman with her teenage daughter.  As we proceeded on our journey the topic of family comes up. She goes on to ask me if I have children.  I say yes. She then ask how many children I have and I say 3. So far so good. She continues her detective work and starts asking for prices of homes and starting salaries of entry level jobs. I am drugged enough by her mundane questions until she hits a nerve. Does your wife work? Is she Hispanic? How long have you been married? I felt punch drunk by the bombardment of heavy questions? This isn't the first time this has happened. My reaction you ask? I immediately go into my script and tell the tale that she's a stay at home mom. That I perfer she not work cause the children need thier mother at home and the love a mother can provide is priceless. I lied. I lied without hesitation and reason. I don't know why, this person doesn't even mean anything to me. Is it the seduction of happiness, potential, delusion?  Is it faith that this bloody mess can be patched up? Is it loneliness or desperation? Yet another mess to be continued, ..

Once again I am side tracked by emotion. I have like 3 stories on hold as I now cut into my history and memory like a butcher. I orginally started this page on July 9th. Today is July 10 now. This time last year I was putting my old lady on a plane to Ohio. Her family lives up there and after her stay in jail for initially domestic violence later drop to disorderly conduct, I sent her packing trying to figure out where to go from there. Obviously things haven't improved much since last year. Also its my wedding anniversary.  Eight years ago on this very day. This very non excited pale day, I had my own Martin Luther King moment.  I lived a dream. I lived a moment burned in time forever. A day when my lungs fill to capacity and exhale my last breath in this life, a flash of July 10, 2005 will appear in my eyes and mind. A smile of happiness falls upon my face as I write this. Accompany by a tear to cement the reality of this moment now. I sit on my bed dirty and depress as I jog my memory of the magical events of that day. I remember being kind of numb most of the morning. She was frantic and on edge. My parents and many family members where in town for the occasion. Her mom and sisters with her grama where there as well. We had a modest setup nothing to fancy cause we didn't have much. I zoom to me at the alter. Minutes before she makes her final walk as my fiance, her grama pulled me aside and spoke gently in my ear. She rasied her head slightly from her wheelchair as she held my newly born daughter makenzie. With wisdom in her tone and tears of joy on her cracked age skin she uttered these words that to this day still haunt me. "I didn't think I would live to see the day that she would find a man like you. A man with such honor and acceptance of her son. I can now rest easy knowing that you will take care of her right". After such a heart felt expression I gather myself to recieve the love of my life. My angel that found me hiding in the dark.  The one person that made the word love come out of my mouth without second guessing myself. The music gets cued. The room goes silent as if a nuke had sucked all the air out of the room. All eyes on her. All eyes on her. My hands clam up, my mouth instantly evaporates all the moisture in it. My heart stops. The doors swing open. My heart resume beating. My eyes on her. My eyes on her. She starts walking towards me . I'm living it. I'm living this dream. This lonely fat kid from jersey is getting fucking married. I'm going to have a wife. I'm going to have a life. I'm going to have someone to cherish,  someone to hold. No more what ifs, no more fantasy or dream that I wake from alone.  Every step she takes her beauty overwhelms me. Her eyes are that of gods.  Her smile still melts me the same today as it did that day. Her hair shined like silk. She smelled like a breeze of roses. Her tears matched my own. I wanted to engage in a kiss forever. I never wanted to let her go. Why did you leave me babe? Why did you fucking break my heart? I thought you loved me? I believed you when you said till death due us part. I looked into your eyes and saw the real untained you. I saw the loving, giving, loyal you. Why did you betray me? Why am I here? Why am I speaking of this? 
Happy anniversity babe, happy fucking anniversity..

"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."
- Irish Blessing

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 43-PSTD-people stuck in trouble disasters

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

My emotions are worned thin. My mind and soul are restless.  My heart is as dangerous as ever. What has been ocurring these last few days are tale yet to find its ending. Once it has played out I will then share the details. All I can say pray, wish, whatever is your spiritual way for ne and my family.  I will never turn down a helping hand or a kind word. Back to the saga...

Well about 2 weeks ago something really bad happened. It shook the foundation of my belief in human spirit. It strengthened my theory that at the core we are animals. Push come to shove we naturally seek retaliation.  As I been speaking about lately me and my old lady have been hitting a really bad patch. My approach to the children situation was to protect them at all cost. Its a pretry standard policy for most parents. Well I didn't take in consideration someone who is ill and not the correct mind frame. A mental disorder is as serious as any other real illness.  I'm not excusing her actions or behavior.  Instead of persecuting Frankenstein lets try and find out what makes the beast throw the little girl into the water.

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, serious injury or the threat of death.The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyperarousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.

Difficulty falling or staying asleep, Irritability or outbursts of anger, Difficulty concentrating, Hypervigilance (on constant "red alert"), Feeling jumpy and easily startled.

Anger and irritability, Guilt, shame, or self-blame, Substance abuse, Feelings of mistrust and betrayal, Depression and hopelessness, Suicidal thoughts and feelings, Feeling alienated and alone, Physical aches and pains

Previous traumatic experiences, especially in early life, Family history of P
TSD or depression, History of physical or sexual abuse, History of substance abuse, History of depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, High level of stress in everyday life, Lack of support after the trauma, Lack of coping skills

Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb, Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)


Most people who experience a traumatizing event will not develop PTSD. However, because women are more likely to experience more high impact trauma, they are more likely to develop PTSD than men. Children are less likely to experience PTSD after trauma than adults, especially if they are under 10 years of age.

As I sit here reading through these symptoms and signs, I can't help but start my own list of what I recognize. My intentions with this subject of post traumatic stress disorder was to try to give some insight on the possible thought and descion process of my old lady. Instead I have seem to put the spotlight on myself.  Something that makes me horribly uncomfortable.  I can't help but get side tracked with my on going story again. I feel as vulnerable as a cold winter's night. My heart races a thousand times a minute as these words play out in my head. Guilt, shame, betrayal, depression and hopelessness. The list goes on and on. I am lost as a child in a toy store. I think the fact that I was sexually abuse has a child has finally caught up with in this race we call life.  I was molested by a family member starting around the age of five. I'm trying to remember around when it finally stopped.  I think I was around 12 or so. Its hard to remember, so hard. My visual memory of the events are as foggy and violent as a blizzard.  The ice cold numbness still runs through my veins as if to protect me from the fire of pain waiting to escape st all times. The windows are slowly opening in the house of horrors that I have lived in for way to long. As I sit recollecting the puzzle pieces and recreating the pictures again, I ask why. Why now? Why like this? What's the reason for this aspect of my life to be brought to light now? I suppose everything has its shelf life and now is the time to dust this off. I smile nervously as I think when threatened a animal shows its teeth,. Maybe humor has been my defense mechanism for as long as I can remember. I can't believe I'm talking about this. Its finally off my chest. All the nights of analyizing the secernios in my head. The cause and effects of what happened.  How it would effect my emotional relationship with my old lady, my kids, my friends and family. Its finally the beginning of the process. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's honest to me and that's always been easy. I can't push the details out yet, I can't force this as I was forced to do things I didn't want. Maybe thats always been a link of sorts. I never forced anyone to do or say anything they didn't want cause of how I knew it made me feel. Alone, scared, abandoned and numb. To be contiuned always..

"I slept and dreamed that life was beauty.I awoke -- and found that life was duty."
- Ellen Stugis Hooper

"To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil by evil is evil."
- Prophet Mohammed

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 42-No one is satisfied with my answers especially me

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Once again I am inspired to go in another direction. I just don't have it in me to finish my current story.  I don't want to force the issues cause then it will be shit. Again this came out of nowhere. I'm about to lay my body and soul to recharge and this comes brewing out. So take a drink hope its not to sweet or not to bitter.

Love and hate a marriage of sorts

Night and day a natural duel of force

To be radiant is to be vulnerable

To be fearful is to be resourceful

None of this involves you

None of this I confide in any of you

To wither is to die

To sacrifice is to be godly in your eyes

To follow is to hide

To lead is to admit defeat first in dire times

To think is to be like Einstein

To react is to remove ones foot from one's mouth

To read this is to find

Whatever meaning best suits your time

I'm a reflection of past grievances 

I'm a institute of complied, failed truths and lies

Not everyone is satisfied with my answers

My questions just drags it out slowly to kill time

I don't need your wisdom

But I beg for your undying thirst for mine

In his image we are molded

Only to be crushed by our clumsy, fragile, lustful lives

Our hearts are made to be broken

So the scars can bind us together and guide our minds

I beg for your forgiveness in advance

To soften my steady decline

I shake hands with the devil willingly

Cause me, myself and I refuses to shake mine

To read this is to find

This man's last wishes, hopes and last embark at this life

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 41-If I only let you know

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I was going to continue my story but something came over me. It was strange I felt I needed to get this out of my system. I don't know if this is for you or for me. I literally wrote this a few minutes wgo before going to bed. I don't have the slightest clue what it means to me yet.

The fear that takes control

Is the angel that saves my day

The darkness that camouflage my soul

Is the warm air that wants to stay

If I only let you know

The price I will pay

If you ask you will know

Nothing's free until you pay

With one more hour to go

I hold my breath and wish for more

This last moment before I go

In the beast your warned me to stay away

Soon I will lose my very soul

To the the devil's wicked game

If I let you know

The price I soon will pay

No more reasons, no more home

That comfort my sadness or my pain

No more ears willing to hold

My cries of suffering to this game

I will lose I will be alone

The price of numbness for my soul

Soon my happiness will soak up the hate

That covered everything I ever told

The fear won't let me go

It has made its home in my brain

It comes home after work

To claim its proper place 

As king of my domain

The devil's come to collect its toll

For there is a price to pay

No more sadness no more pain to withhold

I've paid in full my time is up

As this story comes to a close

The message is here to stay

Trust your heart and you will know

It always betrays the things you treasure the most

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 40-Sow a character and you reap a destiny

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

When I last left off, my emotional and mental state was different than what it is now. I'm a bit more calm and forgiving of the actions I am about to unvail. This does not excuse any of it. This is how time numbs us with its power.

Well to continue with the saga. One of the stipulations I warned her about was that I wasn't going to facilitate was her talking to the children. Here is my logic. If she broke thier little hearts once why would I open them up to the possibility of it happing again. So after I got home from the hospital, from my nervous breakdown, I felt very anxious.  Walking into the same house where the collapse of my life occurred was very difficult. Walking through that door felt like a morgue. Nothing but pictures of many deaths flooded my mind. My breathing labored as I took my walk to my room. My legs buckled as I tried to absorb whatever energy she left behind. Its all that I have left of her. Nothing real, nothing to hold or smell. Just my thoughts, memory and heartache. I stared at the closet as empty hangers hung like the now empty promises she had made to me and the kids.My arms grew so tried as I filled the empty drawers with my clothes. It felt like a bottomless pit. Everytime I put more clothes in part of me left me as well. No matter what I did the void inside of me was unrelenting. I had to completely detach myself from her nipple. Whatever she was feeding me wasn't healthy for me. The uncontrolable bouts of crying episodes were brutal. This time around it was different.  This time it was more deep than I imagine.  I didn't pine for her. I didn't fight for her . I was just defeated. I was defeated and broken. I think this time it is worst cause the pain is so silent. It like a cancer slowly turning one's body against itself. So I took all this in and stood firm with my descion in not letting her communicate with them.  I could not let her infect them and inject them with that toxicity. I just couldn't see there being any other option. This madness had to be contained. You can call me an asshole for it if you want but I just didn't see the point in having a over the phone parent. It just doesn't work. It's one thing if you live near by and can interact with them, then having a phone connection with them makes complete sense. Apparently she did not agree with my assessment of the situation at hand. Then slowly but like clockwork came the flood of negativity. The text messages and voicemails. The language and hatefulness was very overwhelming. When the threats didn't yield any results them came the police. Yep 50 got involved with this mess. She accused drugs and god knows what else, to the point where they were making weekly well being checks. Now whenever my daughter sees a cop she fears that they are going to take her away. Bless her little heart I overheard one night praying to keep the cops away that I was a good daddy. These are a few of the reasons I didn't want her to communicate with them. Things are to chaotic and only chaos woukd thrive in this kind of environment.  We sll needed a cooling off period. Don't get me wrong I want her to help raise our kids cause its her right and responsibility.  I love my kids but its very diffcult to do this on your own. Will she be a good influence on them is yet to be seen. Only time will tell her story. Now that the background story has been set, now to the meat of the story that has left an everlasting impression in so many lives...to be continued

"Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny."
- Charles Reade

"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Vivir para contarla Living to tell the tale

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 39-I told you so... again

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I think I'm ready to just to unleash what I been camping on for a few days. Let me start this story. 

It all started at the beginig of May end of April.  Things were coming to a head between me and my old lady.  We got back together around mid March.  Those details I'll leave for another day. Anyways she came to a descion to leave me for the same guy she was with when she first left in December.  Lets call him little douche.  So the whole time she was with me she was speaking to little douche, I knew the whole time as she was using him for money. Little douche would cry for her and pine and print pictures and hang them on the walls. I know what you guy's are thinking. Why would I allow such a thing with little douche?
Here's my logic.  If someone is with you they are with you. If someone is going to leave you they are going to leave you. Pretty sound, simple logic. So going on this logic I allowed this to go. I figured if I was going to trust her might as well be now under the greatest of temptations. Well she comes to me at one point and tells me that she's developing feelings for little douche.  My heart dropped like a runaway elevator. I guess a tiger can't really change thier stripes. So every "I TOLD YOU SO!" echos through my mind in a ripple effect. I am now the man with no face cause of the respect I have lost in people's eyes. So she makes arrangements with little douche to leave by bus. The whole time she was packing I was telling her that it wasn't to late to change her mind. That if wars could be solved our issues would seem miniscule in comparison. She refused my offer and her last chance to make things right. As the moment of truth finally came to fruition, I snapped like a chicken bone. My body went numb and my mind started screaming from the inside out. I started yelling no, no, no with me holding my head as if I didn't want it to fall from my shoulders. I tried to escape the moment but this was real and this now. The rivers of tears saturated my cheek bones indenting the pain wailing from my soul. I look for a way out of this undying suffering. My swollen eyes shift all the sudden to the steak knives in the kitchen.  Thoughts of a swift thrust to the heart cross my mind for a second.  Images of not seeing my children and love ones snap me right back into reality. My vision blurs, my mind invites chaos in again. I am thrust back into hell. My knees buckle,  my heart accerlates, my breathing becomes so labored. I feel like I am my own witness to my my demise.  This train has derailed and I'm bracing for impact. I barley made it to the door where my feet make a sudden stop and I suddenly find myself staring at the ceiling as my body finally catches up with my mind and gives up to. I hear the her voice. I hear her cry out my name. I hear concern, I hear fear. She gently kneels down next to me as my body begins to seize. For the first time in my life I had no control over my body. I started to tense up and then release, tense up and jerk. My mind went dark. The fear of death had its hold on me. This is it. This is what death feels like as I struggled to regain order. My breathing effected my speech andI ccouldn't communicate. The light that entered my eyes seem to want to escape more rapidly than usual. She's my witness. Till death due us part.  She held my hand and she cradled my head. She promised me that she wasn't going to abandon me. She was going to be by my side. She screamed for help, she saw the fear in my eyes. I bought what she was selling. It turned out to be a production number on her part. She told me what I wanted to hear at the most vulnerable moment of my existence. Of course I wouldn't find this out till later on that day as I waited for her to be by my side. Instead a phone call with this information is what I received. As she left me for good I warned her with this. That I wouldn't be there no more as her safety net. I'm not the back up no more. That she has walked out on her family for the last time. All of this brings us to what happened a few days ago...to be continued. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight