page 45-It will be our dirty secert

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

The dark smothered me as he gently but his hands on my back. The fear poured out of me as quickly as my tears. I didn't want to see his eyes. I didn't want to hear his voice. "Everything will be ok" he reassured me. His lies vibrated off his forked tongue. What have I done? Not again. Why am I frozen in fear? He slipped his hand down my back ending his journey at my tail bone. I softly say no. My eyes shut as I pray to god to save me. There is no respond. I am left alone. I am to bear the full force of evil and twisted sexuality. Only the echo of me saying no over and over gently fill the room. They say everything happens for a reason. I don't think there would ever be a good enough reason for anyone especially a child to endure this. There is no escape  decending into my nightmare. My mind shutters not being able to process these events. As the elastic of my underwear gets  pulled like a lion tearing into a gazelle, I go blank. I don't remember anything but tears and betrayal. I remember my little hands trying. They tried so hard to fight him off. But like many aspects of my life I failed. The beast has won again and all I can do is just wait for it to be over. As the security of dawn broke the darkness around me, I remember being sick. I remember being in the bathroom and not knowing why I was going so much. I unfortunately know now. I know now. They say ignorance is bliss. Godamn me for being smart, lol. What contiunes to happen in these many chapters of my life will have to wait for another day. Another day where courage will sit next to me again and hold my hand.

What I just wrote I have not processed fully till this very moment. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing. I know I've carried this part of my life in a box for a very long time. What is going to happen for opening this box I will only learn in time. Time has been a hell of teacher of mine. I have always wondered what the ramifications of these events have and will impact my life. I really had nothing planned to speak off today.  It was a pretty pale exsistance of a day. To tell you the truth I was pretty worned out from yestetdays festivities. I want to end this post with a suggestion from a friend. 

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies." You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks." No thanks," the man replies." I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues." OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in." Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies." TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy." It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off." Yes it is," replies the man." Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks." OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage." Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy." How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy." Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says." SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Love is but a moment in time. Faith is believing love is there when we feel it not, life is the struggle to attain love and have the faith to keep it for as long as we can...Richie G...

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 44-Knowing and playing the part..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Today I'm going to start with a brief story that baffles me. I was taking some people to the airport today, as usual some banter begins. She was an older Hispanic woman with her teenage daughter.  As we proceeded on our journey the topic of family comes up. She goes on to ask me if I have children.  I say yes. She then ask how many children I have and I say 3. So far so good. She continues her detective work and starts asking for prices of homes and starting salaries of entry level jobs. I am drugged enough by her mundane questions until she hits a nerve. Does your wife work? Is she Hispanic? How long have you been married? I felt punch drunk by the bombardment of heavy questions? This isn't the first time this has happened. My reaction you ask? I immediately go into my script and tell the tale that she's a stay at home mom. That I perfer she not work cause the children need thier mother at home and the love a mother can provide is priceless. I lied. I lied without hesitation and reason. I don't know why, this person doesn't even mean anything to me. Is it the seduction of happiness, potential, delusion?  Is it faith that this bloody mess can be patched up? Is it loneliness or desperation? Yet another mess to be continued, ..

Once again I am side tracked by emotion. I have like 3 stories on hold as I now cut into my history and memory like a butcher. I orginally started this page on July 9th. Today is July 10 now. This time last year I was putting my old lady on a plane to Ohio. Her family lives up there and after her stay in jail for initially domestic violence later drop to disorderly conduct, I sent her packing trying to figure out where to go from there. Obviously things haven't improved much since last year. Also its my wedding anniversary.  Eight years ago on this very day. This very non excited pale day, I had my own Martin Luther King moment.  I lived a dream. I lived a moment burned in time forever. A day when my lungs fill to capacity and exhale my last breath in this life, a flash of July 10, 2005 will appear in my eyes and mind. A smile of happiness falls upon my face as I write this. Accompany by a tear to cement the reality of this moment now. I sit on my bed dirty and depress as I jog my memory of the magical events of that day. I remember being kind of numb most of the morning. She was frantic and on edge. My parents and many family members where in town for the occasion. Her mom and sisters with her grama where there as well. We had a modest setup nothing to fancy cause we didn't have much. I zoom to me at the alter. Minutes before she makes her final walk as my fiance, her grama pulled me aside and spoke gently in my ear. She rasied her head slightly from her wheelchair as she held my newly born daughter makenzie. With wisdom in her tone and tears of joy on her cracked age skin she uttered these words that to this day still haunt me. "I didn't think I would live to see the day that she would find a man like you. A man with such honor and acceptance of her son. I can now rest easy knowing that you will take care of her right". After such a heart felt expression I gather myself to recieve the love of my life. My angel that found me hiding in the dark.  The one person that made the word love come out of my mouth without second guessing myself. The music gets cued. The room goes silent as if a nuke had sucked all the air out of the room. All eyes on her. All eyes on her. My hands clam up, my mouth instantly evaporates all the moisture in it. My heart stops. The doors swing open. My heart resume beating. My eyes on her. My eyes on her. She starts walking towards me . I'm living it. I'm living this dream. This lonely fat kid from jersey is getting fucking married. I'm going to have a wife. I'm going to have a life. I'm going to have someone to cherish,  someone to hold. No more what ifs, no more fantasy or dream that I wake from alone.  Every step she takes her beauty overwhelms me. Her eyes are that of gods.  Her smile still melts me the same today as it did that day. Her hair shined like silk. She smelled like a breeze of roses. Her tears matched my own. I wanted to engage in a kiss forever. I never wanted to let her go. Why did you leave me babe? Why did you fucking break my heart? I thought you loved me? I believed you when you said till death due us part. I looked into your eyes and saw the real untained you. I saw the loving, giving, loyal you. Why did you betray me? Why am I here? Why am I speaking of this? 
Happy anniversity babe, happy fucking anniversity..

"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."
- Irish Blessing

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 43-PSTD-people stuck in trouble disasters

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

My emotions are worned thin. My mind and soul are restless.  My heart is as dangerous as ever. What has been ocurring these last few days are tale yet to find its ending. Once it has played out I will then share the details. All I can say pray, wish, whatever is your spiritual way for ne and my family.  I will never turn down a helping hand or a kind word. Back to the saga...

Well about 2 weeks ago something really bad happened. It shook the foundation of my belief in human spirit. It strengthened my theory that at the core we are animals. Push come to shove we naturally seek retaliation.  As I been speaking about lately me and my old lady have been hitting a really bad patch. My approach to the children situation was to protect them at all cost. Its a pretry standard policy for most parents. Well I didn't take in consideration someone who is ill and not the correct mind frame. A mental disorder is as serious as any other real illness.  I'm not excusing her actions or behavior.  Instead of persecuting Frankenstein lets try and find out what makes the beast throw the little girl into the water.

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, serious injury or the threat of death.The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyperarousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.

Difficulty falling or staying asleep, Irritability or outbursts of anger, Difficulty concentrating, Hypervigilance (on constant "red alert"), Feeling jumpy and easily startled.

Anger and irritability, Guilt, shame, or self-blame, Substance abuse, Feelings of mistrust and betrayal, Depression and hopelessness, Suicidal thoughts and feelings, Feeling alienated and alone, Physical aches and pains

Previous traumatic experiences, especially in early life, Family history of P
TSD or depression, History of physical or sexual abuse, History of substance abuse, History of depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, High level of stress in everyday life, Lack of support after the trauma, Lack of coping skills

Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb, Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)


Most people who experience a traumatizing event will not develop PTSD. However, because women are more likely to experience more high impact trauma, they are more likely to develop PTSD than men. Children are less likely to experience PTSD after trauma than adults, especially if they are under 10 years of age.

As I sit here reading through these symptoms and signs, I can't help but start my own list of what I recognize. My intentions with this subject of post traumatic stress disorder was to try to give some insight on the possible thought and descion process of my old lady. Instead I have seem to put the spotlight on myself.  Something that makes me horribly uncomfortable.  I can't help but get side tracked with my on going story again. I feel as vulnerable as a cold winter's night. My heart races a thousand times a minute as these words play out in my head. Guilt, shame, betrayal, depression and hopelessness. The list goes on and on. I am lost as a child in a toy store. I think the fact that I was sexually abuse has a child has finally caught up with in this race we call life.  I was molested by a family member starting around the age of five. I'm trying to remember around when it finally stopped.  I think I was around 12 or so. Its hard to remember, so hard. My visual memory of the events are as foggy and violent as a blizzard.  The ice cold numbness still runs through my veins as if to protect me from the fire of pain waiting to escape st all times. The windows are slowly opening in the house of horrors that I have lived in for way to long. As I sit recollecting the puzzle pieces and recreating the pictures again, I ask why. Why now? Why like this? What's the reason for this aspect of my life to be brought to light now? I suppose everything has its shelf life and now is the time to dust this off. I smile nervously as I think when threatened a animal shows its teeth,. Maybe humor has been my defense mechanism for as long as I can remember. I can't believe I'm talking about this. Its finally off my chest. All the nights of analyizing the secernios in my head. The cause and effects of what happened.  How it would effect my emotional relationship with my old lady, my kids, my friends and family. Its finally the beginning of the process. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's honest to me and that's always been easy. I can't push the details out yet, I can't force this as I was forced to do things I didn't want. Maybe thats always been a link of sorts. I never forced anyone to do or say anything they didn't want cause of how I knew it made me feel. Alone, scared, abandoned and numb. To be contiuned always..

"I slept and dreamed that life was beauty.I awoke -- and found that life was duty."
- Ellen Stugis Hooper

"To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil by evil is evil."
- Prophet Mohammed

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 42-No one is satisfied with my answers especially me

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Once again I am inspired to go in another direction. I just don't have it in me to finish my current story.  I don't want to force the issues cause then it will be shit. Again this came out of nowhere. I'm about to lay my body and soul to recharge and this comes brewing out. So take a drink hope its not to sweet or not to bitter.

Love and hate a marriage of sorts

Night and day a natural duel of force

To be radiant is to be vulnerable

To be fearful is to be resourceful

None of this involves you

None of this I confide in any of you

To wither is to die

To sacrifice is to be godly in your eyes

To follow is to hide

To lead is to admit defeat first in dire times

To think is to be like Einstein

To react is to remove ones foot from one's mouth

To read this is to find

Whatever meaning best suits your time

I'm a reflection of past grievances 

I'm a institute of complied, failed truths and lies

Not everyone is satisfied with my answers

My questions just drags it out slowly to kill time

I don't need your wisdom

But I beg for your undying thirst for mine

In his image we are molded

Only to be crushed by our clumsy, fragile, lustful lives

Our hearts are made to be broken

So the scars can bind us together and guide our minds

I beg for your forgiveness in advance

To soften my steady decline

I shake hands with the devil willingly

Cause me, myself and I refuses to shake mine

To read this is to find

This man's last wishes, hopes and last embark at this life

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 41-If I only let you know

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I was going to continue my story but something came over me. It was strange I felt I needed to get this out of my system. I don't know if this is for you or for me. I literally wrote this a few minutes wgo before going to bed. I don't have the slightest clue what it means to me yet.

The fear that takes control

Is the angel that saves my day

The darkness that camouflage my soul

Is the warm air that wants to stay

If I only let you know

The price I will pay

If you ask you will know

Nothing's free until you pay

With one more hour to go

I hold my breath and wish for more

This last moment before I go

In the beast your warned me to stay away

Soon I will lose my very soul

To the the devil's wicked game

If I let you know

The price I soon will pay

No more reasons, no more home

That comfort my sadness or my pain

No more ears willing to hold

My cries of suffering to this game

I will lose I will be alone

The price of numbness for my soul

Soon my happiness will soak up the hate

That covered everything I ever told

The fear won't let me go

It has made its home in my brain

It comes home after work

To claim its proper place 

As king of my domain

The devil's come to collect its toll

For there is a price to pay

No more sadness no more pain to withhold

I've paid in full my time is up

As this story comes to a close

The message is here to stay

Trust your heart and you will know

It always betrays the things you treasure the most

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 40-Sow a character and you reap a destiny

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

When I last left off, my emotional and mental state was different than what it is now. I'm a bit more calm and forgiving of the actions I am about to unvail. This does not excuse any of it. This is how time numbs us with its power.

Well to continue with the saga. One of the stipulations I warned her about was that I wasn't going to facilitate was her talking to the children. Here is my logic. If she broke thier little hearts once why would I open them up to the possibility of it happing again. So after I got home from the hospital, from my nervous breakdown, I felt very anxious.  Walking into the same house where the collapse of my life occurred was very difficult. Walking through that door felt like a morgue. Nothing but pictures of many deaths flooded my mind. My breathing labored as I took my walk to my room. My legs buckled as I tried to absorb whatever energy she left behind. Its all that I have left of her. Nothing real, nothing to hold or smell. Just my thoughts, memory and heartache. I stared at the closet as empty hangers hung like the now empty promises she had made to me and the kids.My arms grew so tried as I filled the empty drawers with my clothes. It felt like a bottomless pit. Everytime I put more clothes in part of me left me as well. No matter what I did the void inside of me was unrelenting. I had to completely detach myself from her nipple. Whatever she was feeding me wasn't healthy for me. The uncontrolable bouts of crying episodes were brutal. This time around it was different.  This time it was more deep than I imagine.  I didn't pine for her. I didn't fight for her . I was just defeated. I was defeated and broken. I think this time it is worst cause the pain is so silent. It like a cancer slowly turning one's body against itself. So I took all this in and stood firm with my descion in not letting her communicate with them.  I could not let her infect them and inject them with that toxicity. I just couldn't see there being any other option. This madness had to be contained. You can call me an asshole for it if you want but I just didn't see the point in having a over the phone parent. It just doesn't work. It's one thing if you live near by and can interact with them, then having a phone connection with them makes complete sense. Apparently she did not agree with my assessment of the situation at hand. Then slowly but like clockwork came the flood of negativity. The text messages and voicemails. The language and hatefulness was very overwhelming. When the threats didn't yield any results them came the police. Yep 50 got involved with this mess. She accused drugs and god knows what else, to the point where they were making weekly well being checks. Now whenever my daughter sees a cop she fears that they are going to take her away. Bless her little heart I overheard one night praying to keep the cops away that I was a good daddy. These are a few of the reasons I didn't want her to communicate with them. Things are to chaotic and only chaos woukd thrive in this kind of environment.  We sll needed a cooling off period. Don't get me wrong I want her to help raise our kids cause its her right and responsibility.  I love my kids but its very diffcult to do this on your own. Will she be a good influence on them is yet to be seen. Only time will tell her story. Now that the background story has been set, now to the meat of the story that has left an everlasting impression in so many lives...to be continued

"Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny."
- Charles Reade

"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Vivir para contarla Living to tell the tale

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 39-I told you so... again

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I think I'm ready to just to unleash what I been camping on for a few days. Let me start this story. 

It all started at the beginig of May end of April.  Things were coming to a head between me and my old lady.  We got back together around mid March.  Those details I'll leave for another day. Anyways she came to a descion to leave me for the same guy she was with when she first left in December.  Lets call him little douche.  So the whole time she was with me she was speaking to little douche, I knew the whole time as she was using him for money. Little douche would cry for her and pine and print pictures and hang them on the walls. I know what you guy's are thinking. Why would I allow such a thing with little douche?
Here's my logic.  If someone is with you they are with you. If someone is going to leave you they are going to leave you. Pretty sound, simple logic. So going on this logic I allowed this to go. I figured if I was going to trust her might as well be now under the greatest of temptations. Well she comes to me at one point and tells me that she's developing feelings for little douche.  My heart dropped like a runaway elevator. I guess a tiger can't really change thier stripes. So every "I TOLD YOU SO!" echos through my mind in a ripple effect. I am now the man with no face cause of the respect I have lost in people's eyes. So she makes arrangements with little douche to leave by bus. The whole time she was packing I was telling her that it wasn't to late to change her mind. That if wars could be solved our issues would seem miniscule in comparison. She refused my offer and her last chance to make things right. As the moment of truth finally came to fruition, I snapped like a chicken bone. My body went numb and my mind started screaming from the inside out. I started yelling no, no, no with me holding my head as if I didn't want it to fall from my shoulders. I tried to escape the moment but this was real and this now. The rivers of tears saturated my cheek bones indenting the pain wailing from my soul. I look for a way out of this undying suffering. My swollen eyes shift all the sudden to the steak knives in the kitchen.  Thoughts of a swift thrust to the heart cross my mind for a second.  Images of not seeing my children and love ones snap me right back into reality. My vision blurs, my mind invites chaos in again. I am thrust back into hell. My knees buckle,  my heart accerlates, my breathing becomes so labored. I feel like I am my own witness to my my demise.  This train has derailed and I'm bracing for impact. I barley made it to the door where my feet make a sudden stop and I suddenly find myself staring at the ceiling as my body finally catches up with my mind and gives up to. I hear the her voice. I hear her cry out my name. I hear concern, I hear fear. She gently kneels down next to me as my body begins to seize. For the first time in my life I had no control over my body. I started to tense up and then release, tense up and jerk. My mind went dark. The fear of death had its hold on me. This is it. This is what death feels like as I struggled to regain order. My breathing effected my speech andI ccouldn't communicate. The light that entered my eyes seem to want to escape more rapidly than usual. She's my witness. Till death due us part.  She held my hand and she cradled my head. She promised me that she wasn't going to abandon me. She was going to be by my side. She screamed for help, she saw the fear in my eyes. I bought what she was selling. It turned out to be a production number on her part. She told me what I wanted to hear at the most vulnerable moment of my existence. Of course I wouldn't find this out till later on that day as I waited for her to be by my side. Instead a phone call with this information is what I received. As she left me for good I warned her with this. That I wouldn't be there no more as her safety net. I'm not the back up no more. That she has walked out on her family for the last time. All of this brings us to what happened a few days ago...to be continued. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight