page 52-The wonderful facts of one's existence

Iwould like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."

- Jacques Prvert

Well me and my mother just got into a bit if an argument. She was again is referring to my old lady as the crazy one and its getting on my nerves. Look I am not blind to the facts in my on going saga. I know the things she's done and what's she capable. I've spoken about some of the issues that have occurred and some I haven't. The point is she has a name like you and me. I feel she doesn't respect my boundaries and my feelings. I love my mother. My mother is my rock right now. I would be in much worse shape if it wasn't for her unknowingly support at times. She is my biggest critic. She is one of the most confusing people I know as well. For example she has given me this complex about food. I call her the Food Nazi, lol. I have always had a a weight issue my entire life. This issue has created a gateway to other problems in my life. Self worth, depression, social anxiety, alienation and so on. She's been on my ass for as long as I can remember about my eating habits. I'll admit I ate like shit for most of my life until recently. God bless her intentions but her execution is god awful. She would catch me eating like cookies and would give me the riot act. Its pure sugar, its going to be the death of you, look at how fat your getting, blah,blah,blah. After being berated about an hour later she would try to feed me a full course meal. Mind you I just finished stuffing my face with cookies. This cycle was perpetrated most of my life. I eventually became this hoarder of food. Hiding stuff in my room, lying that I haven't ate to appease her when she served me dinner and getting so full that it got hard to breath at times. These kind of mix signals confused me all the time. What made it worst was the fact I couldn't verbalize my thoughts and feelings to her cause she just wasn't open to it. I know she'll never read this, so I feel safe speaking my mind without guilt or consequence. She'll probably never get to know the real me, but sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. Then the argument went into my meds I take for depression and anxiety. She started preaching to me how I don't need to be on those meds cause I was allowing the devil to manifest himself in my life. Since I wasn't looking for god in my life I was allowing myself to be chained down by this affliction. I blew my stack a bit. This is why I don't say anything about my recent therapy session. This is why I strongly believe the less she knows the better. She is old school and she isn't willing to update herself. I struck back at her saying was I a vessel back when I was 7 years old and was aware that something was off about me. I don't enjoy being afraid of life. I don't plan out to sit in a dark room all day and not live life to the fullest. All these negative habits feel completely normal to me.   That's why I do them without thinking twice. It's not till I'm neck deep in shit until I step back and look at myself. I then see what I've done once again. I don't find the strength to push through cause it's pointless. My will has been in shambles for so long I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it. That's my life in a nutshell. That's a peak at what my perceptive is on life. For these reasons is why I write this blog. Why I play music and create. Why I am on my stupid meds. So I can finally get a grip on my life before I'm on my deathbed going what the fuck happened. This is just another day in the life of yours truly and we have just scratched the surface. 

"At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you're living your life doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're comfortable with it."

- Phillip C. McGraw

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 51-Love is selfless suicide

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

All I know is that
Love is selfless suicide
From my past and present
State of mind and continuing exodus

I show the world my lack of focus
And inability to walk without falling
From morning's dawn to life's extinction
These thoughts clamp my ability to find redemption

From my continuous downward spiral
That takes my breath with no hesitation
I choke from the constant lack of oxygen
That represents love, affection and unconditional adoration

Love is selfless suicide
That gives these words purpose in your mind
For pain is our universal lifeline
That we constantly call for answers that never come in time

Remember the stories from the old
To help mend bridges from broken torn souls
We are our own single warzone and bliss
Mix with toxicity, love, and stupidity

We break bread with those we hold
We shed tears and liquor for our dead
A true act of selfless suicide
Is the compassion and love we are constantly willing to sacrifice

This is all l got guys I'm pretty drained.  Pray, think, wish me well, whatever it is you do to think of others and wish them well. Got to recharge, got to recharge. I love you all for your percious time. Be at peace for turmoil runs vampit in this world. 

"If you are not big enough to lose, you are not big enough to win."
- Walter Reuther

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 50-Controlled chaos is sustaining chaos

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

cha·os
noun
1 obsolete : chasm, abyss
2 a often capitalized : a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct form
b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex 
3 a : a state of utter confusion 
b : a confused mass or mixture 

I think this is my next state of progression. Controlled chaos is the best description I can come up with. I'm slowly moving underneath the rock that was crushing me. Thou I found some sort of comfort in that slow steady pain as well. Not a good thing but I'm finally taking the proper steps to better myself. As I sit here at the doctor's office I can only help but be reminded of her. My controlled chaos is definitely in effect. Do I not know how to function without her? I'm surprise I can still shove food into my gullet and wipe my own ass without her in my brain reminding me so. I am surrounded by children cause this is a pediatric office. This one kid keeps running into my foot, stares at my foot, walkes by it and on his way back runs into my foot again. I mean come on is he dopey or just an asshole I'm still trying to figure it out. These little games is what I use to keep me occupied so I don't let my anxiety take over and I run out of this office. Everyone is staring at me cause I'm the only adult in here by myself. Now these rugrats are beating on the kiddie table like the savages they are. How did I manage when my kids were this young? Oh that's right I was held at gunpoint by fatherhood! Its amazing what we are capable of if we allow ourselves to be a vessel to our potential. I mean it only took me 2 months to get to this point. I'm waiting to be picked apart by a complete stranger I'm suppose to trust cause of a piece on thier wall. Its insane the things we are willing to submit ourselves to certain people but not others. Everyone has thier own cubbie hole. There is order in insanity. I mean if there wasn't how else would we be able to acknowledge and define it. I mean the whole concept of life is full of strangers. When we are conceived its 2 strangers going at it. When we are born it takes time for the parents to figure out this little person patterns and traits. First time in school and work and so on you get the picture. Its this ingrained process we are taught throughout our lives that allows most of us to function and excell in this complex world we have created. So many of us are casualties cause we don't fully grasp the concept. Our mind and soul are not in sync. Basic human functions go awry,  manifest, and manipulate our lives. Fear, chaos, sadness, and pain run hand in hand through our lives destabilizing any foundation we attempt to set. I picture it like the tasmanian devil running a muck like in the cartoons. 
There's nothing nobody can do but wait till it's over to survey the damage. As I sit here writing this I wonder when my taz moment will approach again. I'm hoping that I'm past those self destructive moments but its really difficult to gauge it at the moment. 

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin 

"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, 'Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.' We can decide to risk that He is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
- Joan Wester Anderson

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 49-The more you suffer the more you show you really care

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"The more you suffer , the more you show you really care."
- The Offspring, Smash

My mind won't allow my heart to take a break. I actually have a metallic taste in my mouth at the moment. I feel like I'm running from something towards something worse. The anxiety is mutating my ability to ge logical at the moment. The fact is what I'm feeling is all self induced and I feel stupid for it. I feel to much right now. I'm completely overwhelmed with images and scenarios that they are comical. So comical that I'm embarrassed to even write them down. Me and her, the kids are going to be just fine and happy. Ha! We are going to love each other so much that all will be forgiven and forgotten. Ha, ha!! We will prove the world wrong and be a shining example to our children on how faith and love will conquer all. Ha, ha, ha!!! My eyes tear up as I sit here alone writing this to a faceless audience. My bed has the scent of dirty socks and stale baby powder. My kids will awake to yet another day without thier mother. She will awake next to her boyfriend. My heart will remain torn and open so the maggots can feast and hollow me out as I feel every piece chewed and swallowed. The voice of friends, family, and my children will occupy my time but can't cure me of my affliction. I am my own worst enemy and escaping is not a good enough reason. Welcome to 15 minutes of my daily struggle, the war within, that I can't seem to find peace or reason. The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. I don't know if I'm learning anything at all. After going through that bit of self torture last night I finally fell asleep only to be woken up by the screams of my mom at the front door. I jumped out of bed and ran towards the front door. Thoughts of rape or murder are dashing right next to each other as I get to the door. I prepare myself to go into a life and death struggle with the will to end who ever started this. I feverishly scrape at the lock on the door to offer her some relief. My heart pounds like the thunderstorm of anger I'm willing to unleash to protect my mom. In a split second I rip the door open and everything stops. My fear, my anger, my desperation all withers away. Then my heart sinks and breaks at the sight my eyes stumbled upon. This baby kitten is pawing at my mom's leg desperately trying to get in. The kitten was starving and deathly afraid of the world it was thrust upon. I immediately hold our enormous Doberman so it doesn't eat it as a snack. I can't get involved. I can't care for someone else, not now. Not at 5 in the morning, not today, not tomorrow. I go back to my room and shut down my feelings. I hear the cries of this innocent scratching at the door, scratching into my conscious. I can't help but to see this as a metaphor for my old lady. Thou not an innocent her infantile actions and descions have left her crying and wanting to come home. Wanting to be save from the scray world she is ill prepared to function in. Like the kitten I to must turn my back on her. I must shutdown my emotions to protect myself. I can not take the chance of saving her cause I know now I can't. I have lost myself to many times in the process. I have to save myself, it sounds selfish but if I'm out if comission then what good am I to anyone. That's kind of the state I'm in now. She must weather the storms of life and survive to see the sunshine again. If its meant to be it will and life goes on regardless cause by the end of this two things happened. I fell back asleep eventually and the kitten when on to its destiny. Till we meet again.

To love is a thing of honor...most ppl cant do it. What ever she gave was all she had..its like a child who does not know something. Why would anger be appropiate if the person just does not know any better. Betrayal is rough...but it was a choice. Ppl tend to make bad choices. That is the fool.
-Deziyah Harvey

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 48-Living with anxiety

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

The anxiety of living is quite paralyzing. I look at my fellow man and envy his ability to function so efficiently. Hi how are you. Time to go to work. Ask the waiter for a refill. Ask for directions when lost. Walk up and introduce yourself. I find all these insignificant tasks brutal to attempt. It like another language to me. I just can't translate it properly. This is why when I find a comfort zone I hold on to it for dear life. It's like drowning in a sea of emotions and finally finding that piece of debris and holding on to it for dear life. This is how I exist in a world that lives every second. I live by constantly hitting the pause button on life cause to this day I can't catch up. This is how I repeat the cycle of mistakes cause there is comfort in failures and misery. Happiness what is that? Sustainable happiness, shit that's like winning the lottery to me. When your use to rejection like I am the one person that breaks that pattern becomes godly in my eyes. You have to try to understand that how everyone that knows me views me with all these great qualities will never reach my sight. My old lady was the first woman to pay me the attention I was starving for. I was so sick of the f word. Friends we could be friends. I needed another friend like I needed cancer. A friend can't hold you or whisper the words that healed my bleeding heart. Every I love you, every kiss, every stroke of her hand on my body cemented her statue I had erected in my mind. It was the thread that mended my broken heart and spirit. This is why I yearn for her. That's why I want to believe that part of her still burns for me somewhere in that seemingly cold heart of hers. 
That's why ladies and gentleman I am the walking definition of the word Fool! I'm hoping in time all this knowledge will leak out of my brain and drain into my heart. I need to feed this straving hunger for attention through other means than her destructive manners. Only time will finish this story cause I can go all day with my theories. So huddle up folks its showtime.

"Roads"

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong
Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Lyrics by Portishead 

"The person who is waiting for something to turn up might start with their shirt sleeves."
- Garth Henrichs

"Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice."
- George Jackson


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 47-Top 10 differences between love and marriage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."

- Christina Georgina Rossetti

Top 10 differences between love and marriage

1. Love is cuddling on the couch. Marriage is deciding which couch.

2. Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering TV.

3. Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

4. Love is talking about having kids. Marriage is talking of getting a break from the kids.

5. Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is nothing in the bank.

6. Love is when you phone each other just to say Hi. Marriage is when you phone each other to find out when to pick up the kids.

7. Love is like one long sweet dream. Marriage is like an alarm clock.

8. Love is when you say you would go through hell for her. Marriage is hell.

9. Love is when you decide to become one. Marriage is when you try to decide which one.

10. Love is when he yearns for her. Marriage is when he earns for her.

This is what mind wanders to while trying to guide me through this mess. I figure I would give you guys a small tour of the process. Now that we have explored my coping aspect through comdey, least see what happens when it goes numb and I go on auto pilot. 

Waiting for her ghostly voice

The drizzle of faith creeps away

Whenever my body hits the floor

I hope to love once again

Never ask never tell a soul

Struggle makes no sound only incinerates poise

For ever word that l leave with her

A thousand more wait to take thier turn

Sickness over takes remorse

Casualties flow like summers rain

I look around for guidance

Only to find the source of my true pain

Never enough bandages to cover

This growing emptiness in my torn open veins

Finding morphine for my soul

Is like trying to find solace for the insane

She tucks me in my sorrow

Under these terms, I don't lead I simply follow

I learn to love, I learn to hate

She slowly bleeds me until I evaporate

She loves me tender, she loves me hollow

The course of these actions are toxic, please don't follow

My children watch this utter dismantle

Of a fortress of love, forgiveness and power

"A very large amount of human suffering and frustration is caused by the fact that many men and women are not content to be the sort of beings that God has made them, but try to persuade themselves that they are really beings of some different kind."

- Eric Mascall

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 46-Living alone is a complicated relationship status..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday and it hit me. It hit me really fucking hard. I'm doing this. I'm shopping for my kids. I'm looking around me and see a bunch of families shopping. I mean I know what I have been doing this whole time, but it seems that my feelings have finally chased me down. The robotic mechanism that keeps my emotions in check is malfunctioning. I'm overwhelmed with raw emotion. She is really gone. One day all of this will end and all will be lost to the world. Is this why I chase the rabbit down the hole. Just for the chase so I have a purpose.  Why am I convinced that I need her? What the fuck is she doing right now? Shopping for 2. Sleeping in? Does her heart even beat anymore? She like a vampire, she feeds on you and almost bleeds you dry. She's smart cause she'll leave enough life in you to recover so she can feed later on when she's needs you. I'm at fault again.  I am guilty of my actions followed by my heart. A wise friend told me once that your heart will betray you always. That we have to think with our minds and push emotion to the side.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

I am constantly doing these 2 things over and over. I'm being counter productive.  This explains why I'm in the postion I'm in. The fact that I'm aware of this terrible habit is what really burns me. Me and my old lady been talking for the past week. She's been expressing her regret and wants to come home. Home, what is home? What's my home? Mind you that I love my family very much and there is no doubt that I would be lost without them. But the reality of the situation is that I'm living with my mom and this is her home. So I have no home to bring her back. Bring her back as all if you read in horror I'm sure. Why do I fight for her to pay attention to me? Why do I feel I need to torment myself to the point of no return before I give up? I give up only to start the cycle again. Once again I'm in my hamster wheel going nowhere. For what? She left disrespecting me, my family, my children and especially herself in the process. She left for another man cause she couldn't handle the ups and downs of life. She blames everyone so easily rather than herself. She has no grit. When the tough gets going she gets going. She continues to overlooks what I'm worth. Of course until the shit hits the fan and she comes calling for me to save the day. I'm no savior.  I can't even save myself at the moment. As I write all these things about I've yet have not had the switch turned to off. One of the few pieces of advice that has resonated with me. This person also suffered a similar situation with her marriage.  She as I, was yanked in all kinds of direction pertaining to her marriage.  She said to me do what you think is best for your family. Don't rush anything let time play it out. If its meant to work out it will. It takes both of you to make it happen with your actions. Words will always follow great deeds of actions. At the end of the day its your life, you have to sleep with yourself and awake with the same person. One day you'll wake up and the switch will be  set to off.
Then the aspect of me over thinking. I think it's pretty obvious I do that quite well. I refuse to really confront the reality of my situation and refuse to make a decisive. Its to risky to leave the mundane safety of my hamster wheel.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."
- Jo Coudert, Advice From A Failure

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight