Page 72-THis is a marathon? They lied to me...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.
Mahatma Gandhi

I have been procrastinating this post since I posted my last one last week. The whole point I started this blog was to express myself and I feel like I'm using my talents on some level. Its stressful trying to live up to certain expectations placed upon me by myself and others. This shouldn't feel like work. This shouldn't stress me out. As the process goes the more I get into this post the more at ease I feel. Seems like the story of my life. I tend to give up before I even try. I am working on that mind frame and approach to life in general. Especially in my family and marriage.
Things are going well, actually more than well they are going really good. I think I am starting to get a taste of what it is to live in harmony or the closest thing to it. I am so use to the shit hitting the fan than I am constantly flinching waiting to be splattered. So far its been a shit free zone. The good have been great the not so good moments have been not that bad at all. I am growing and learning. Well I think I am. After being put through hell and coming out the abyss to see the light, I still have to pinch myself at times to makes sure this is my life I am living not a daydream. The sequence of events that lead to this time in place I now call my life is still a mind fuck. People in my life are still in the dark cause I have kept them in the dark. This was my choice. Not my wife's choice, not my children's choice, mine. Me Richard Guillermo of sound body and mind have decided to just stop. To hit the pause button and see if I can just soak in all of this. No outside influence. No belly aching on my part. No one chirping in my ear or me looking for someone to chirp in my ear. No more good advice, no more bad advice. Just silence and the sound of my daily life speaking to my heart on a daily basis. Just the chance to apply all that I have learned. The weight of my decisions are very real. This is something new. A new way of life and I am trying to figure it out as I go. 
Much of the advice people get about marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is, it usually doesn't work, The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for. Among the worst advice? Telling your wife how you really feel. Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person. But shouldn't I be honest about my feelings? This way of thinking was one of my beliefs. What's the point of being with someone you can't express yourself fully. I didn't want to sugar coat or fake my feelings cause I thought it might compromise me as a person and the fear of losing my identity. Then through trial and error this simple message finally popped up in my head and stayed  If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship. Listening is an important skill a spouse. But a broken marriage needs leadership. After listening, someone has to have the courage and experience to say, ok here is what I want you to do.  Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen, but because of what someone in the marriage will do.
    It often takes many years of marriage before two people can become honest enough to tell one another what they really need to hear. Marriage provides the painful feedback that is necessary for personal growth. Pain definitely means your alive for sure. Your spouse might be capable of hating you more than anyone. .Your spouse is
also capable of loving you more than anyone.Its a very strange dynamic. The whole ying and yang concept. The harder it is to make things work, the better of a person you will become. It’s more rewarding to run a marathon than it is to walk to the mailbox. That’s because nearly anyone can walk to the mailbox. Few people have what it takes to run a marathon. Relationships are similar. It’s easy to love someone during easy times. It’s a lot more rewarding to love someone through hard times. 
I feel what I feel. I think what I think. No matter what it looks likes like. No matter the history of this story. No matter who the main characters are. I will figure this out. I will take control of my path in life. I will succeed, cause the price of failing is far to great a price to pay. I am tried of paying and I am dead broke cause of it. Time to build from the ground up, what else do I have time for other than waiting for death. 

One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 71-To much grey.. I need a box of crayons

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."
- Lillian Dickson

How does one stop comparing one self to a prior? My insecurities about this area in our relationship fluctuates constantly. I just don't know to conquer this barrier. I feel like I need unrelenting adoration and physical stimulation to build up my devastated ego. How much adoration and physical stimulation can a person provide? Especially someone whose been with me a decade all ready? Am I being unreasonable? 

ego
noun
1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 
b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality 

Am I crying and pouting? The point is that the realities of this mending marriage in progress is getting away from me at times . It seems that my focus derails and falls into an abyss. In this dark, boundless space I pull up a chair and wallow in my fears. I begin my list. What did he do better than me? Was he better in bed? Could he pull more affectionate responses than me? Did he make her laugh more? Did he fulfill her better? Was he more adept at finding her needs without asking or being told? Does she compare me to him but doesn't have the heart to bear me my downfalls? Was his smaller size a factor? Did he truly love her more than me? Did she love him more than I? The questions and fears run a mile long. Honestly I don't have the stamina to continue with this torment I put myself through at times. Then the question I hear from the masses is why even be with someone who makes me torment myself? The answer is real simple. When I'm with her the world could be going to hell in a hand basket and the heat from the chaos around me wouldn't even break me out in a sweat. In the 3 weeks I have yet seen the dark cloud looming over us.
She is the physical manifestation of love for me. She's someone I can hold and kiss. Someone I can caress and smell. Someone I can whisper sweet nothing and vent my frustrations to. She's someone I can buy flowers for. She's my wife. My friend. My soul mate. She is also the one person who has caused the most anguish and torment as well. She has also been my biggest enemy at times. I am not blind to the recent past. I study it quite often . I'm doing my best to learn from my past transgressions and do not want to fall victim to its unsavory outcome. What's that saying, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Something like that I'm feeling to lazy to Google it at the moment. Don't let the world fool you ladies and gentlemen. The world has an abundance of grey to offer. Cause nothing in this life is black and white. There is much love as there is hate in our hearts. Its up to you how you wanna mix that cocktail because its you who has to drink it and live it. This rant got started by a joke in bad taste, in my opinion, tonight. On my next page I will post the letter I wrote to her not to long ago and with her permission I would like to share what she responded with. For those who know me I haven't abandoned my friends and family. You all are in my thoughts everyday and I pray that soon we will all be able to put this behind us and enjoy each others company again. The water under the bridge will reside with enough sunshine. I promise you that. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 70- To accept the hazard of risk- My Marriage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."

- Adam R. Gwizdala

It's been over a week now since the day. The day where my world was remade. The day when I got the call to come over and have dinner. The day I said yes and got to hold her in my arms. The day when the anger and negativity left me as fast as it entered. Her voice quivered as she mouthed the invitation. Time stopped as I ingested this unbelievably act I was being witness to. 48 hrs prior I was 5 feet away trying to assassinate her character and her mine. I wasnt allowed to be within 500 ft of her. So many thoughts raced through my mind. My hand shook as I put the key into the ignition. Just like the turn of the key so I was on my way to turn a page in my book of life. I have been down this road before. Physically and emotionally. As the tires hit the gravel driveway the grinding of the rocks mimicked that of my teeth. I step out of my vehicle and now I'm completely exposed to all the elements of life. No phone, no car, no friends or family, no house to hide behind. I hold my breath to prevent my heart from jumping out my throat as I knocked. Knock, knock... who's there? I didn't want to answer that question. If this was a dream I was dreaming, I didn't want to wake from it. The door opens. "Come in" she says. I instinctively look at those amazing hazel eyes as they watered the second they connected with mine. "Hi, how are you?" I responded. "Ok" she said. Time stopped and I ran out of words. This is the moment I fantasized, I dreamed, I thought was impossible.
She leaped into my arms. I've been waiting to catch her since the day she left back in May. This was the fork in my journey. Do I continue to go on my own or do I catch her and go on with my "Entire" family? She exposed her true self for the first time in a long time, do I do the same? I had a mirco second to decide. She lunged like a cheetah on its prey and I caught her like honey to a bee. I embraced her with all my heart and all my love for her. All the lies, accusations, pain and heartache washed away for those ten seconds. All those conversations I had with the man upstairs and here she is in my arms. Are my prayers answered or is this the final exam? Time will be the grader of my work. She put her lips to mine and we became one for a second. She pushes back excited "you kissed back!" I been waiting to kiss her back since I last saw her at the bed of the ambulance. I sat down next to her. I was frozen in disbelief. Pinch me I asked her cause this can't be real. I would continuously ask her to pinch me throughout our conversation. She told me how sorry she was and what a grave error in judgment she had made. That he was just a rebound and how much she loves me. That she didn't have to call and invite me over cause she could of done it on her own. I quickly responded with I didn't have to come over either. That in fact by me coming over I would jeopardize everything. My family, friends my stability and sanity. That no one would really understand this decision. 

chance
noun
1 a : something that happens unpredictably without discernible human intention or observable cause 
b : the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings 
c : the fortuitous or incalculable element in existence : contingency
2 : a situation favoring some purpose : opportunity <needed a chance to relax>
4 a : the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation; also : the degree of likelihood of such an outcome <a small chance of success> 
b plural : the more likely indications <chances are he's already gone>
5 a : risk <not taking any chances> intransitive verb
1 a : to take place, come about, or turn out by chance : happen <it chanced to rain that day> 
b : to have the good or bad luck <we chanced to meet>
2 : to come or light by chance <they chanced upon a remote inn>
transitive verb
1 : to leave the outcome of to chance
2 : to accept the hazard of : risk

Well anyone who has been reading this knows some of the events that have transpired. For those that have not, I suggest getting some coffee and doing some catching up. The fact of the matter is I did come over cause the love never really left my heart. The dreams never stop coming. The hope never faded to bad and the light at the end if the tunnel never stop fluctuating. No matter how dark it got. I for the first time in my life feel confident at the task ahead. I have grown, I have learned and now its time to implement these changes. I'm going in on my own. No outside interference. No birds chirping in my ears painting pictures in my head. I love you all for support and intent but I must succeed or fail by my own accord. I have to trust my heart and mind on this cause this is the only life I have.
I'm going to finish this post with this analogy. I was washing dishes today and it came time to wash the bowl with the brownie mix in it. It was so dark and sticky it look like someone took a dump in it. Anyway as the clear, pure unrelenting water penetrated the utter muck of dark cake mix it all made sense to me. The simple stream of unconditional love can slowly clear up the most ugly of situations. Only if the stream stops will the muck fester, rot and spread disease. Just like the negativity and hate we may carry in our hearts at anytime. I am truly seeking happiness. All in time of course, all in time. So before discarding someone or something think about the brownie bowl. :)

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 69-If I stagger don't help me up..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future."

- Gifford Pinchot

I have been very down lately. I suppose that the obvious reason would be my heart. Once again I have been slacking with my meds. To call bit my relapse phase. It happens randomly. It feels like I try sabotaging my stability by holding hands with it. Therapy has been a very enlightening experience. I guess my grieving process has its ups and downs. Its been even more difficult since she's moved back into town. Every time I feel I have taken one step forward I seem to hit a bump of an emotional draft that keeps me at a stalemate. I think what is happening especially with the kids is what makes it even harder. One of my goals in life was to shield my kids from being part of a divorce family. My experience with it was so earth shattering that I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I have also realize that I cannot do the work of another person in this relationship . I have realize I have to set an example for my children of what is proper conduct and what is not. What is loving each other and being there for each other. I have failed and succeed in these areas constantly. Despite coming from a broken home I have absorbed these essential elements of life. Life itself is such a cluster fuck of events and emotions. One of the achievements I would like to proclaim in my life span is to see something through the end. What has happened in the last few weeks cannot be contained by mere words. None the less I'm going to give it go. So if I stagger and drift my apologies in advance.

As I sat the other day at my new home with my family, I am having my son asking me what kind of fluids can be transmitted during sex. Yes the non stop action of being dad and husband again is on. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The appreciation that fills my body on a daily basis is

constant pressure I need to keep me focused. The saying here today gone tomorrow spoke volumes today. As I ran errands today this traffic jam appeared suddenly. Of course the reaction of frustration and inconvenience rises to the surface. We make our way through the traffic queue to find a police yellow banner. It had roped off part of the highway and a small crowd had gather. We carefully navigated through the orange cones and make our way pass the crowd to source of this commotion. Gravity had made an impression on the white sheet on the road. His or her hand laid exposed on the sizzling asphalt. The blood had drain from the hand and the paleness seem to compete against the white sheet. The mangled metal of what once represented a motorcycle laid about 50 feet from this make shift resting place. My mind went blank, my heart froze as the tears of this person's family filled my heart. I envisioned their lives forever traumatized by today's date. Having these thoughts and feelings have made me ever so thankful for today and the people involved in my life. I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week.  

 I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week. The last 2 weeks have emotionally rape me. I literally have experienced both sides of the spectrum and I'm still woozy from the experience. My decision to work on my marriage and forgive my wife is not a popular or easy one.I never stopped loving her no matter how dim the light got at the end of the tunnel. Loving her is something I will never apologize for. have factored the past, present and possible future. I have removed all outside influences for once. Its me, her and the kids against all the evil and greatness this world has to offer. Friends and family a like will be up in arms and hugely disappointed in my judgment. I understood by vocalizing and airing my business to the world that this would be a possible consequence. What I've written and spoken about her were true to my mind and heart at the time. I will not retract my perception of the situation cause the detoxification process allowed me to make this decision. The pursuit of happiness is a personal journey no matter what picture it may present. I have my own happiness in mind, my children's, and my old lady's. If I fail it will be on me. If I succeed it will be on me. Definitely to be continued...

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 68-And so go on the Days of our Lives..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I know my posts have declined immensely. Its not because I do not have anything to say. On the contrary so much is going on I want to run away from it and not think. Its not very productive or smart to harbor all of this. Lately I have just wanted to escape. Old habits are hard to repress. I am a living, breathing work in progress. Sometimes the version of me that shows up for the day is better than others. I was writing about other aspects of  my life prior to these current events that I will be talking about today. I hope to get back on those topics soon.  I hope to see the light again soon.

As I sit here waiting for my therapy session at 5 p.m. I ponder what has happened to me in the last week. I have been advised not to speak about what has happened due to legal recourse . It's too much of a thing not to say anything. From what I understood this is public record anyways. I have nothing or no one to hide from. The truth will set these temporary chains free. I haven't been charged with any charges. So here I go. On Thursday night the Department of Children and Families came and visited me and my children at my home. They came to inform me that I've been accused of some serious miss conduct and allegations. I was in shock that these proceedings were happening. Stalking, physical and emotional abuse, spousal rape for only 1 whole month out a 10 year relationship, threatening her life and possibly a threat of molestation to my daughters. As I sit on my bed staring at this DCF investigator I went into a numb like state to protect myself. I start hearing all the advice from all the people in my life tell me that I should have made a preemptive strike against her. I should of reported her for harassment. I should of made a more official mess of her abandonment. I say this because these accusations can only come from one person. The one person that supposedly for better or worse till death do us part was supposed to be on my side.

How things can change and people can change at the drop of a dime. As I sit here writing about what's going on in my life I can't help but overhear my mom talk to someone on the phone. She speaking about someone who just died about 3 hours ago she was only 17 and was hit by drunk driver. My theory is proven. If you think you have it bad it is always someone else who has it far worse. I can imagine dealing with death because it's so final at least I have the ability to continue to fight my battles. I go back to the events of Thursday night September 12 . after taking my statement they asked me if they can speak to the children separately. I walk the hallways pacing like a caged animal while my mind runs in a million directions at the same time. I should have seen this coming. I should have known the nature of the beast. I do know the nature of the beast and because I do i I would have to become a beast myself. As I watched the system that was made to protect real victims be manipulated and butchered by injustice, my stomach curls and my heart sinks. They make their rounds with the kids. They proceed to search the house for drugs and weapons. They find nothing cause there's nothing to find. By the end of it the DCF investigator offered me her services. I recommend that the children get counseling, especially my son. I feel a little at ease with her offer. They walk out my house and the intensity drops. The pressure from the trauma still remains. I eventually go to bed. 

I got up like I do every morning at 6:30 a.m. and took them to the bus stop. Like every morning they got out, gave me a kiss and told them I'll see them in the afternoon. On this afternoon there would be no pick up. At 2:30 p.m. I get a knock at my door. I get up without panic without a second thought unlock the bolt and turn the knob. A Sheriff's deputy emerges with a packet of papers and continues to inform me a temporary injunction or a restraining order has been made against me. My initial thoughts were what is she up to now. The deputy then goes into more detail saying that I'm to stay away from my wife and my children. The same accusations from DCF were stated on the injunction. The air became stale and my vision shook with fear. My legs felt like they were incased in cement. I said my kids live with me! They will be home within the hour! The deputy seem perplexed with my response. The deputy got on the horn with my old lady advising her that she was responsible for the children now. As the weight of this inked blasphemy was place in my hands by the deputy, reality turned my world upside down. I'm left alone. I thought her leaving me was bad. The absence of unconditional love is the biggest punishment anyone can inflict on someone. I've been in limbo ever since. Day after day of anxiety and silence. The imprisonment of one's emotional stability and source of inspiration is very debilitating. My kids help provide so much of that. I feel as if my will is starving. Oh yeah a few days later got served with divorce papers to be continued...

"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it."
- Jean Paul

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 67-He texted, She texted..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

As I stated on my last post I'm going to transcribe one our latest conversation. Since my birthday I have fallen into a rut of sorts when it comes to her. These almost daily interactions make it difficult to stay on track. I also find that writing it down helps me detoxify myself from the situation. 

Me:
Real quick we need to work out some child support arrangement now that your working cause I been doing this all alone for way to long. You say you have changed so I would imagine there would be no issues in you supporting your kids needs. 
 Old lady:
First of all your mom has been taking care of all of you. Second I told you we have to go through the courts. Third you are not letting me see any of the kids, not even my son. They have not been allowed to call me everyday like we agreed and you are doing things behind my back I do not appreciate.
Me:
Behind your back? What do you know about what goes on here, your clueless. Your responsible regardless  is what you do not understand and the fact that you do not see that says it all. If I go through the courts it will be much, much worse on you. To clarify your lack of transportation is your quote unquote excuse not to see them. I have not said no to you for that so that's on you. None of this foolishness is on me cause I been here the whole time regardless of what so called issues are going on. That's what an adult and parent does you should try it.
Old lady:
I tried working. But because my leg is so bad I couldn't. Like I told you I would come home every night crying and could not stand at all or put any pressure on it.
Me:
You don't want to help out why should I?
Old lady:
Talking to the kids is not you helping me out. Richie you've been told you can't legally keep them from me. So can I please talk to the kids?
Me:
What is helping you? Doing your job as well by being a single parent. You get to do whatever cause you don't deal with the kids on a daily basis. You don't want to help out why should I.
Old lady:
I beg you to let me parent my children. You won't let me even let me talk to them. So get your story straight. I've tried to get you to give him to me. His child support is to put a roof over his head and I am putting his child support towards his roof. I'm not arguing with you. We are adults and we should be able to discuss this. So that's what I'm doing.
Me:
He has been here for you to pick up this whole time. What about the roof I have provided?  Guess that's free huh. Who is stopping you from being thier mother!  No one! Get your story straight!
Old lady:
It is free to a child and you didn't say anything. You and your mom told me that before.
Me:
Its your job to support them and you don't plain and simple. Your the worst excuse of a parent I have ever seen.
Old lady:
Your stopping me. So since you won't let me talk to them this discussion is over.
Me:
Your a joke! You always will be, no one will ever see you as doing the right thing. Your not capable of it, end of sentence, end of everything. You want him he is here. No one is stopping you. You just can't deal with the fact that you have screwed him up so bad that you wouldn't be able to handle him. I told you this being civil wouldn't last. You're impossible to deal with no one can deal with you. You make them so fucking miserable. what you don't understand is that what you have done it said is what has caused this storm ends in this for boy's life. You are the cause of suffering like always. He is suffering a lot from what you have done.
Old lady:
Well he might be suffering a little less if you would allow me to speak or see my son!
Me:
That's not going to solve anything. Your two months too late! Your just not bright when it comes to all of this. Its pointless talking to someone with no soul!
Old lady:
Okay well what time can I come get them so I can speak to them and apologize face to face?
Me:
For being a mother as you say you are clueless to what they need or feelings. Its just a shame. The crazy thing is I do care about you but I just don't know what to say about this situation no more. It breaks my heart how our son is suffering quietly like me and blows up like you.
Old lady: 
It's a shame you are keeping them from me, si shame on you!
Me:
There will never be enough shame to cover what you have done and that's a horrible thing. You are not doing right by nobody espically yourself and until you see that things won't ever improve. I'm saying this cause I care, if you see it or not I do. Since I know you so welli know you won't see where I'm coming from. You can't force someone to love or forgive you. I know this is hard

"Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them."
- Edward R. Murrow

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 66-Crayons and love...

Images not lift my should like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Surely your gladness need not be the less for the thought that you will one day see a brighter dawn than this - when lovelier sights will meet your eyes than any waving trees or ripplin for aaters - when angel-hands shall undraw your together no more but it would of been nice to be in her thoughts on a day as such .stains, and sweeter tones than ever loving Mother breathed shall wake you to a new and glorious day - and when all the sadness, and the sin, that darkened life on this little earth, shall be forgotten like the dreams of a night that is past!"
- Lewis Carroll

Its September fifth and I have slacked on my writing big time. I have been in rut of sorts lately and just have not have had the juice to finish anything really. I go through these waves. I just erased all of my writing from today and I am so pissed. I am trying to write on this laptop and I hit some damn button and it erased like a page and a half. So I am trying to remember some of the crap I wrote down but I am struggling. I had some birthday shit on here but it was kind of lame and maybe its for the best that it got deleted. Yeah my birthday was on the 30th of last month and I am now 35 years young supposedly. I feel like I have wasted much of my life on a personal level. Having my kids was definitely a triumph and I would never regret it. Maybe breeding with their mother I would regret cause my kids deserve an amazing mother and she a seasonal mom at best. That just doesn't cut it. My b day was a bummer for the most part. My kids made these birthday cards that caught me off guard. I guess I am going into daddy mode for a second I usually dont do it.

How can these insightful images not lift my spirit. I received my birthday wishes from the usual suspects. Its always nice to have a fan base of sorts that you can count on. I also got my cheesy lame off key happy birthday song from the kids. Those moments are priceless. What dominated most of the day was her. I was hoping for a call or text from her. I know we are not together anymore but I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of sorts. It makes me wanna vomit at times that I'm programmed like this still. Its going on four months and I still have moments like this. I still have visions and dreams thst this was all a dream and I will soon wake up from this ongoing nightmare. Is it love or is it routine?  These events brew a vast pallet of emotions. Anger, sadness, numbness, hope, defeat and insanity. If I was to focus on one I would say anger tops the bill. Anger for sure as the laundry list of crap runs laps around my brain and now my heart. Whatever thread of humanity I saw in her is gone. I was going to talk about my b day more but I'm going with the latest saga. Me and her have been  fighting over the kids. I feel she a bad influence and un supportive. She funny enough doesn't agree, go figure. It seems there can never be peace between us. Like the Jews and Palestine. Dispute such challenges I have hope. I have air in my lungs. Vision in my eyes. Blood in my body. Arms and legs to move about. Clean clothes on my back. A few dollars in my pocket. The freedom to express my thoughts and life as I see fit. Dry clean bed if it rains. My children safe and feed. Food in my stomach and in the fridge. Love in my heart. Love from my friends and family. And the perspective to understand that these collection of little things will generate an amazing life for me. That I will succeed, I will rebound, I will weather whatever life brings my way. On my next post I will transcribe our latest disagreement,  until then to be continued...

"Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress."

- Alfred A. Montapert

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight