page 21-Slumber party for one

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I'm laying here on the floor hearing my daughter snore her ass off. My other daughter has camped on my bed so I guess the floor it is for me tonight. As my leg slowly falls asleep on me as I write this, two thoughts enter to mind immediately. One is that this is the excat spot where I use to sleep when my old lady was with us. I use to sleep on the floor cause all we have is a twin bed. There are other beds in the house but I didn't want to sleep another night without her. At the time I felt that enough time had been lost forever that I would be dammed if I allowed one more night where I couldn't reach up and feel her breath and see her sleep. This last year so much had gone down between us that I lived every second as my last. I learned to apperciate every single gesture and thought. So if it meant sleeping on wood floors for weeks, months, it was worth every back problem I developed cause time is precious, time is something everyone can afford but most of us burn away. As gravity crushes my lungs on this floor I go to my main point and topic. My daughter kenzie. She is her mother through and through.  The attitude,  the stubborness, her quiet affection towards me and her love for me are impossible to ignore. Today is her 8th birthday and in true kenzie fashion she has predicted today as a crappy day cause somehow ,someway her older brother was going to sabotage it. I miss living in that simple world, my ultimate goal is to return to that simple happy frame of mind. Back to the birthday girl,  I guess the best way to celebrate her aniversity of life is to tell how her existence has impacted my life. Well let me start by saying that none of my children where born on paper. By that planned in advance.  Kenzie girl was quite the force before she was even born. Since her conception she put her mother through a living hell of a pregnancy. My poor old lady would vomit everything she ate. I am always reminded og this one incident that brings a smile to face every single time. So we where ouy getting some dinner, it was subway if I remember correctly. We started eating our dinner on the way home like the piggies we were, and all the sudden my worst fear happened.  She started vomiting all over herself in droves. For a spilt second I was pissed cause I just spent five bucks on basically a pile of vomit. But in her most pitiful precious voice in tears mind you she keep saying I'm sorry. I mean vomit is just dripping everywhere,  it was a massacre of body fluids. Let's fast forward through all the emergency room visits and doctor appointments to the day of. The whole time leading to this day I kept thinking how my life was going to change forever.  How I wouldn't be able to sleep in no more. How I couldn't piss around with my responsibilities no more forever. So that morning after working all night at walmart I come home ready for some rest. I lay down for about 10 seconds when my old lady pops up like a whack a mole character and tells me it's time. The fear or excitement wasn't there yet cause I was so exhausted. The next thing I know is I'm in the operating room hours later as they are going to perform an emergency c section. Suddenly the fear grabs me as I ponder I could lose them both. They sedate her and start working on getting kenzie out. The next thing I remember is this little bloody leg being pulled out of her body followed by her shoulders and head. My world went silent and just like god when he created heaven and earth, I stood proud and in awe of what I helped to create . I felt this uncontrollable fuzzy feeling in the center of my chest. I felt an undeniable connection to this bloody little person I've never met till now. Tears rushed out of my worn out eyes. Then I came down from my high and she wasn't crying. My baby girl wasn't crying. Why wasn't my baby girl crying? They started to work on her immediately and in matter of very long seconds I heard that big mouth of her pierce my skull. A wave of relief splashed on my soul refreshing my joy and happiness. 
Joy and happiness is what refreshes my soul every time I hear daddy. Everytime they show me something,  they make me something,  then kiss me goodbye, they kiss me goodnight.  When they hug I feel an army of support in thier little arms and little hands. This is what celebrating life is. This is what birthdays should mean. Capturing that moment in time and holding on to it for as long as you can, cause one day its not going to be there no more. That's one of life's dirty little promises. Everything must come to an end so relish it as much as you can. Kenzie girl I relish your love, I relish your ways, I relish you as a gift from god. You get on my damn nerves for sure but you capture my heart in the proces. Daddy loves you forever and then some baby girl. Happy birthday....

"Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don't collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don't really mean anything."
- Norman Lear

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 20-Don't worry being happy doesn't last...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Sometimes old things need to go away. That way, we have room for the new things that come into our lives."
- Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive webcomic, 09-17-05

I had something planned out for today but I think I'm going to go with a conversation I had tonight with a friend of mine. It best describes my day to the fullest.

Friend:
 Wyd fool 
Me:
 About to put the kids to bed then jamming on the box
Friend:
 U ever seen the Tudors?
Me:
 Um is that about Henry the 8th?
Friend:
  Yup
Me:
 My old lady loved that show I couldn't get into maybe cause she related to Henry lol
Friend: 
So when I was in 7th grade I discovered Henry and Anne bolyn. Did u know at that moment is when I knew. Love was fucked. ...I mean Henry literally moved heaven and earth for Anne only to chop her head off a few years later. ..and I mean at one point he worshiped her :( so fucked  
Friend: 
So I've never been a silly romantic girl lol 
Me: I'm a hopeless romantic
Friend:
 Ugh I have no use for it , that's why I'm not good with it I guess. ...
Friend:
 Oi: ( so wyd tomorrow
Me:
 Um trying to accomplished one thing productive
Me:
 Its so stupid I have to simplify my life like this
Friend:
 No it's cool u don't have to justify shit some days getting out of bed its a victory: ) 
Me:
 Yeah its hard to hear how foolish one looks in other peoples eyes
Me:
 But I can't argue with the truth
Friend:
 Yea sorry Broski I mean like ok I'm obviously proof I believe in second and third chances for someone special. Sometimes people who are closest do the most damage. Its that on and off passionate shit we've all been through. But come on Richie even I know there's a time to move the fuck on kid 
Me:
 Kid indeed is my level of experience to this moving on crap
Friend:
  You're not foolish tho
Me:
 Love is a storm we endured to see the sunshine 
Friend:
 Moving on is hard very hard but it must be done Richie 
Me:
 Stupid fucking romantic
Friend:
 Life is too short. Doesn't change yalls good times tho ...it's ok to remember those. But time for different new memories 
Me: 
Lock me up so I can't cause any more damage to my innocent kids 
Friend:
But people who love Richie, real love. Don't hurt each other. Not like she does. She just went too far too many times
Friend: 
You're not babe, you're a good dad ok just messed up at the mo, they get it I promise 
Friend:
Like I said once twice maybe. But she's hurt you a lot 
Friend:
 It happens unfortunately: ( they're not the first or last kids either: ( they're stronger and smarter than u give them credit for 
Me:
 Collateral damage in this war they are
Friend:
 They'll be ok Richie 
Me:
 No excuse 
Friend:
 And I know my situation is different were gonna be ok. As friends no matter what I think. ...but if I were u. I'd never wanna be that bitches friend sorry 
Friend:
 All your kids need is love and support they've got that, they've got a stable address with food and family and love fuck anything else 
Me:
 I know I can't shield them from the world's painful ways but home is suppose to be safe, home is suppose to be mom and dad all the time, all the fucking time
Friend:
 Richie get this idea of a perfect.home out of your fucking head it doesn't exist
Friend:
 Look at my kids lol they're fucked by they're crazy mom but they're thriving my kids are gonna rock the shit out of life and they've got a different home than your idea of a good home: )
Me: 
Sometimes when you have been nothing for so long you strive to have the unattainable
Friend:
And you're not nothing yo. ...u are made up of matter so therefore you matter (old science joke lol)
Friend:
 But if you don't get better that might do more damage than her leaving yo: ( I'm not saying rush lol but someday ok like by 2020 ok 
Me: By 2020 deal
Friend:
I like august 2013 better 
Friend:
 Ok. ...grocery store. ....excuse me do you know where the strawberry are? Ooh thanks hi im Richard 
Me:
 Thats a creeper
Friend
Ok not strawberries too easy try peanut butter lol 
Friend:
 Richie!! Wtf get better yo
Friend:
I've used it :o got me a date 
Me: 
Come on your the prey, easier 4 you
Me:
 If you put yourself in front of a predator your going to get eaten
Friend:
 I don't get eaten: ) well not often lol Lol

I'm constantly grateful for the people in my life. They amaze me with their own stories, there own wisdom, there own resolution to make something out of life. This won't be my life forever but for now it is. I will overcome this I just don't know how yet.

"Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don't collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don't really mean anything."
- Norman Lear

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 19-Listen close ya ll this is a Sabotage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

hos·tage

2 : one that is involuntarily controlled by an outside influence

sab·o·tage

1 : destruction

3 a : an act or process tending to hamper or hurt

b : deliberate subversion

fear

1 archaic : frighten

2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)

3 : to have a reverential awe of <fear God>

4 : to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>

intransitive verb

: to be afraid or apprehensive <feared for their lives>

These 3 words are the building blocks of c4 that I use to constantly sabotage my life. Over the years i have come up with a systematic campaign of negativity that has brought me to this position in life. Of course I've had help from my so called "better half" to cement my current status. I have this god awful learned ability to hold myself hostage using fear as my weapon of terror. Why I am not sure. When to often. The best example I can use is the current situation with my old lady. I promised myself that I would not contact her no more. So like usual cause she is my kryptonite. I started a Hey Wire account, which is a texting app on my tablet, and texted her a few weeks ago.Henceforth allowing an outside influence to control my emotional well being, aka hostage. Then the apprehensive feeling of terror and anxiety whenever she contacted me followed, aka fear. My English teacher would be giving me brownie points right now for working in the words sabotage, hostage and fear lol. Having this triangle of destruction will make any opportunity to succeed nearly impossible. This constant bombardment of bad vibes weakens one self worth, respect, and resolve. Unfortunately my "better half" knows this information, though she'll never admit it, and uses it to keep me hostage while sabotaging me with the utter fears of my insecurities. Don't get me wrong I do it to myself plenty, but to have my "better half" in on this dysfunctional behavior is just fucked up. Which leads me to believe now that me contacting her via phone the other day might of been a scam. I mean the situation, like she called it, was extreme. My love and concern heart strings where right for the picking. Now that I have time to reflect I feel like I got played like a fiddle. This is the kind of bullshit that clouts and terrorize my judgment and feelings all the time. God its exhausting just writing and thinking about the whole process. So after some thought and strength on my part, I deleted the app. Not before sending her one last message. If she wants to contact me or the kids to get a piece of paper and grab a pen and put in some thought and effort in what you really want to say. We would appreciate it more I think. 
A little bit of stress isn't the worst thing in the world. It motivates me to force myself to think and accomplish something in my life. I can't help but to push that aside for now and talk about what just happened to me the last 30 minutes. Mind you its 6 in the morning. As usual I'm up all night unable to wrestle this Goliath of a problem with my sleeping pattern. So I usually write or work on some music to help me relax. Tonight it was left 4 dead 2. It's an Xbox game that allows me to immerse my fantasy of living through a zombie doomsday scenario. I have a multitude of online friends that I can share this experience with. Tonight it was my old truth or dare partners. I usually don't like using names so I will go with gamertags instead. One is a dude named loooool the other is a chick named StingyOwl. I just met these guys about a week ago maybe two weeks at the most. I like spending time with these two cause it allows me to just be silly and funny. It's nice to be able to not have to be who I need to be and be who I want to be. So like clockwork the truth or dare game came up again. Which I was secretly hoping for. This time around it got taken to a different level. We are always curious of the unknown.  I think that's what drives us. I always pick truths cause its more exciting that way. I was asked who has traumatized the worst in my life and what would I do to them. All the sudden the trip to forgetville came to an abrupt stop. He comes the heavy hand of life smacking me out of my safe zone again. With not much thought I go into the personal details of my marriage.  I go into the amazing amount of heart ache I have endured. I go into what my children have endured. I admit to them what I've been so desperately trying to ignore. My old lady has been the thorn that stabs me every time I reach gor the beauty of life. Be it happiness, success or my favorite love. The one person I committed my life to in front of god, turn out to be a fallen angel. The air seem to come to a pause as I purged my heart out. This is real, this is devastating, this is my life.  By the end of my tale I had capture a moment in time. They both offered their support which was very generous and touching. I wasn't campaigning for votes of sympathy or pity, I was just answering a question.  I don't realize the magnitude of my situation until its reflected off the eyes of others. 

"Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults."
- Antisthenes

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 18-Manipulating is a skill..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Here we go again burning the midnight oil. 4:08 a.m. to be exact and not a labored wink in my head at the moment. I'm watching the hour glass like a hawk cause moms is about to be home in about 50 minutes. I don't want to be interrogated by the parent police. Yes at my age I'm still pretending to be asleep when I'm not. I don't want to have to resort to drugs to get my sleeping pattern down but it's looking more and more like the only suitable option at the moment. I'm still having my anxiety attacks. I'm still having my motivation issues.  I'm still struggling with my postion in life. I was in my own home with my own wife and children a year ago and here I am back at mom's house. Don't get me wrong my mom is my salvation at the moment. She is being the mother my children desperately need. She is supporting me cause I'm in limbo emotionally, financially, and spiritually. My mom may no be the most affectionate person in the world but she has a heart of gold. This woman is the prime example my daughters need in there life right now more than ever. She cooks for them. She cleans up after them, she entertains them,  anf most important she loves them unconditionally. My dream has turned into a nightmare. My fantasy for a text book life, a text book mircale is exactly that. A fucking fantasy. Why do I enjoy running through these cherry blossom fields, surrounded by perfect sunsets and sunrises. A place where love never dies. Where hugs and kisses never get old, never is questioned. Where time is never wasted cause we are allotted so little of it. I miss my old lady.  I miss her cooking. I miss her beautiful eyes. I miss her smile. I miss the way her hair smells. I miss the way she cut my toe nails. I miss the way she use to shave my face In the shower. I miss her ability to make me feel like a man. I miss my friend, my partner, my teacher. I don't miss the lies, the resentments, the back stabbing, the disrespect, the lack of morality,  the anger that will become her undoing. The inability to accept responsibility. The lack of vision and good judgement. Obviously she is a flawed creature but she was my flawed creature.  There is something about ownership of someone in your life. 10 years of my allotted time on this planet went to her. 10 years of not enough highs and way to many lows. 10 years I have to bury somewhere in this heart of mine. That's of course after I try to mend the pieces back together. Many will say that I have my children and that's all that matters and there right. But what my heart aches for matters to. There are no easy answers, not enough advice or good wishes that can soothe this gaping, bleeding mess of a heart of mine. Only the treatment of time can alleviate this pain of mine. I don't expect anyone to truly understand why I would mourn someone like her. Trust me I hear it all the time. I'm to good for this, there's plenty of amazing woman out there. I get it cause even though my heart has not made the best of of choices, my mind always retained the events cause one never forgets.

Its hard to pretend to love someone and even harder to pretend you don't love someone you do. I'll leave you with the most descriptive word that sadly reminds me of her all the time.

ma·nip·u·late

transitive verb

1 : to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully 

b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."
- Polybius

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 17-Perception is everything...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

per·cep·tion
1 a : a result of perceiving : observation (see perceive ) 
b : a mental image : concept
2 obsolete : consciousness
3 a : awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation <color perception> 
b : physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a : quick, acute, and intuitive cognition : appreciation 
b : a capacity for comprehension

I was racking my brain all day trying to figure out my life. It brought me to a conclusion of utter panic.  One day all of this heart ache,  this stress, these routines will be forgotten like yesterday's news. My grandfather on my dad's side has been dead for almost 20 years. I remember the little things. I know he loved Sunkist soda. He wore suspenders and slacks with a buttoned up shirt regardless of the weather. We never had a conversation that resonated enough for me to even speak of to this day. He was simply papa. The man that would take me to the baseball field down the block in East Orange,  NJ. We would go through the hole in the fence to go pick up baseballs. We would find all these foul balls that the college team would never pick up and send them to the Dominican Republic. I speak of him specifically because death came to him first in my life. My perception of life before that was an eternal one. How could life possibly disrupt my perfect little life by taking the people I love and known to keep me safe. Here I am 20 years later and I can probably count in one hand how many times he has crossed my mind. Which brings me back to my panic state. As I continue to dig my grave a little deeper everyday my mind starts drifting.  It starts to paint all these visions of my future or lack there of. Every word I write every feeling I experience is all for nothing. Just like my grandfather my struggles are a mood point pretty much. Everyone got there own issues and worries to address.  It's very conceited to think anyone would make room in thier life for my baggage and same goes for me. At the same time human interactions is the driving force of life. No one likes not being loved, not being attended to, being forgotten. We are all on a one way ticket while we are here. The pressures of living is what keeps us preoccupied with the unavoidable finale. 

death\ˈdeth\
1 a : a permanent cessation of all vital functions : the end of life — compare brain death 
b : an instance of dying <a disease causing many deaths>
2 a : the cause or occasion of loss of life <drinking was the death of him> 
b : a cause of ruin <the slander that was death to my character — Wilkie Collins>
3 capitalized : the destroyer of life represented usually as a skeleton with a scythe
4 : the state of being dead
5 a : the passing or destruction of something inanimate <the death of vaudeville> 
b : extinction
6 : civil death
7 : slaughter

I put it like this for dramatic effect. My favorite one is extinction. Its so epic sounding. So here I am trying to analyze the reason we are here. The biggest fear of all is that we are here for no reason at all. That would make it all seem kind of pointless. Or maybe I just need to keep busy and not think so much and ruin life's great secret.  No one will ever know.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 16-Didn't want to say I told you so..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Its 11:30 a.m. been in and out of sleep to the bickering of my wonderful children. Stayed up till about 5:30 a.m. this morning chatting it up with some new friends. Playing truth or dare. First time in my life ever played it. There so much little things I have not gotten the chance to experience yet. I got about an hour before round 2 for the job interview today. I'm also suppose to meet up with my cousin who's a music producer. Been just creating a ton of stuff going through this very dark moment in my life. It's always very awkward when opportunity is pounding at my door. I tend to get cold feet when this happens.  I got to keep reminding myself that I deserve this.

In keeping this as real as possible just spoke to my old lady. Quick recap about 4 to 5 weeks ago she left me for another dude. I had a nervous breakdown that day. The ambulance had to be called I thought I was going to die. The last time I spoke to her and saw her was at the foot of the ambulance.  Of course there are a million details I'm leaving out. This is just the basic cliff notes of the situation. Fast forward to the present about 2:40 this morning I decided to call her after a few texts. 

Old lady:
 Emergency need to talk to you
Old lady: 
Emergency need to talk to you
Me:
 Why?
Old lady:
 Situation
Me:
 Anything to do with the kids
Me:
 What kind? 
Me: ?
Me:
 If you don't respond I'm going to bed

After this brief conversation snd some swaying from a mutual friend,  I breakdown and call her. I get the number from our friend and I jump into the moment I've been avoiding for the last 5 weeks.  I called and she picks up the phone.  With the resolve of a lifetime of pain I say with much labor "hello". Her voice brought back to a time of comfort and anxiety.  She spoke softly and exhausted,  as if she been running through hell all day. I asked what was going on and she told me what I've been waiting to hear since the day they met almost six months ago. With no satisfaction or gloating on my behalf,  she speaks and confirms my prophecy.  He beat the fuck out of her for real this time. He unleashed the monster that has been dying to unchain. The monster that layed underneath sheep's clothing.  She goes into detail of this epic battle.  Blow by blow I hear these heart trenching acts of terror. The blank canvas in my head goes to work, painting a picture that resembles something out of Dante's Inferno.  Each swipe of the brush in my head mimics every punch, every bruise, an everlasting trauma imprinted in her mind and mine as well. The beast has been put in his cage for now. How long will the chains of justice hold him in his place is another story. When a man strikes a woman there are not enough reasons to justify the existence of such a creature.Feels like a nightmare escaping the dream realm and breaking the walls of reality announcing its presence. My titanic heart crashes and sinks, as if hitting an unforeseen iceberg. My arms ache to go to work to hug her and assure her that everything will be all right now. My pulse is steady but normal. My emotions are as steady as a rock. My eyes are as dry as the desert. I feel no joy. I don't lavish the prize karma has delivered to me this Sunday morning. For she is still my wife, the mother of my precious children and a person I love very much. We are all flawed creatures. We are all angels. We are all demons. How we choose to combine the 2 is of personal choice and free will. I speak my deepest sympathies and try my best to convey a feeling of  support.  I'm not a hardcore christian or anything but I believe in never abandoning the people you truly love. You might give up on them, you may lose all hope and respect, but they are not disposable. They breathe and make poor choices like all of us do. Some more than others. Some dumber than others. None the less these are my beliefs and mine alone. Unfortunately like never forgetting to ride a bike the argumentative nature of our relationship reared its ugly head a bit. The main fire starter is our children.  We both are not on the same page when it comes to what's best for them. I won't go into that can of worms cause honestly I'm getting tried of writing at the moment. So with that I bid anyone who took the time to read this a good day and wishes. Also I layed down some tracks for my first song today pretty stoked about it.

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 15-I'm all pieces, I need some glue

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I would like to start off by saying I actually took a walk today a couple of times. To many of you this is a common everyday process but for me it was quite an accomplishment today. By the way have I mentioned that I really hate mosquitoes. I swear they're worse than vampires. I was freaking walking and it landed on my forehead going to town on me. How can I not know this bug is sucking my brain juice out of my head. Now I'm obsessively picking at this bite still in awe of this stupid little parasite. My life has become a series incredible small steps. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, trying to have a sleeping schedule, taking my medication. These basic functions in my life have been demonized in my head to become outrageous tasks to fulfill. There is no spoon, there is no spoon. Some I say this is some sort of spiritual healing, journey, whatever. I think of it as more of me digressing back to almost an infant type of stage. I was going to write some more stuff, but I got interrupted by some nonsense that I don't remember anymore. 

My old lady tried to get in touch with me today it flustered me there for a bit but I'm recovering a lot quicker from these um interruptions. It can't be a good thing when someone calls you and you feel ill immediately.  I understand that she wants to talk to her children, but I believe that she forfeited that right when she walked out on them. Honestly what kind of parenting can you possibly do over the phone. Asking what there day is like and what they had for lunch can not replace a kiss or hug from mom. I mean for Christ sake I heard my daughter praying last night and it broke my heart. She was praying for her mommy to come home and for the cops not to come and take her away. I was blown away by this. A little back story on this. The cops have come by because I haven't pretty much spoken to her since she left about 5 weeks ago. I guess a parent can request the police to do a well being check on the kids. What she's telling them is beyond me. They are feed, clothed, and take showers daily.  They ride their bikes, watch t.v. and go to church 3 times a week. There good. Do they miss her I'm sure its mom. Do they ask about her sadly not really at all. Whatever me and her have between us is between us. But it honestly kills me that her relationship with the kids is so detached. I could never imagine at their age none the less, 11, 7, and 7 by the way, is the way it is. She has a tendency to threaten things and the cops are one of her many weapons. There's so much more details to this ongoing saga. Unfortunately my brain is at capacity of what I can talk about right now. All I know is angers  me very much so that this is happening. I started writing some things down. By the end of it. This is what spewed out, take it for what it is...

Pieces of you spread among
The dying
The living
The fruit of spring

Pieces of you hang from the sky
Surveying victims, spreading disease

Pieces of you create cancer
So new parasites can host and breed

Pieces of you cut off fingers
Stretch out anguish
Bleed out innocence
For all to see

Pieces of you light up the darkness
Mark your territory
To plan out deceit

Pieces of you cut like razors
That dig trenches
For scars to seek

Pieces of you penetrate my defenses
Destroying my dignity
Washing out any peace

Pieces of you haunt my eyelids
Taunt my existence
Blur my hopes and dreams

Pieces of you bring me happiness
Short lived by cancer
All gone in weeks

Pieces of you dwell in me
That mask good feelings
That fail me daily
That cement my irrational thinking

Pieces of you live in shadows
Waiting for sunlight
Festering in the misery of others

Pieces of you I will love forever
Will bring smiles with pleasure
That will fade with the test of time
You were once my cherished treasure

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.