Page 78-Lazy update

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I haven't written in awhile once again. This is becoming a theme I am not happy with, but as usual I am the sole reason for that. Things are rocky. Things between me and her. Things between us and the wonderful people helping us. Things with the universe in general. They say don't give up cause that's when usually something good is coming. I been down this road before. I haven't done all of my best to improve this situation I will admit. I am currently at the Haines City Library on one of their public computers. I just failed my CDL learner's permit written exam. I been approved by Disney to be accepted in their bus training program. I passed 2 of the 3 required test. I can retake the test again but it going be ten bucks a pop. I already owe them ten for today, but as they say everything happens for a reason. My old lady's health is declining again and her management of pain has made it difficult at times. I running short on time so I won' t be able to fully explain a lot of the details about what's been going on. I just kinda of venting a bit. I feel worthless cause I can even keep this blog updated. I'm in a bit of rut of sorts and looking to rise up and move forward. Just trying to take it one minute at a time for the moment. So I was just say hi and checking in with everyone who takes the time to take a peak at my non important life. I will be back...

Normally I would write my usual sign off statement but I can' t remember for the life of me. Fml..

Page 77-Letter from the heart part 3

This is the final one in the series.

Page 76-Letter from the heart part 2

This is the second one of the three in the series.

Page 75-Letter from the heart part 1

Here is one of three of the letters I will be posting.
This is just a snapshot of what travels through my heart. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 74-Life continous process or terminal disease?

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Darkness can not drive out darkness, only light can. Hate can not drive hate out, 
only love can do that"
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Its been a little while since I have sat here in front of this computer and confessed my life a bit. I kind of feel this to be my personal confessional booth of sorts. Confessed, I haven't used that word since Catholic school like two million years ago. Anyways I digress, I find it harder and harder to find the time to focus and do such a thing. Throughout the week I get these points I would like to elaborate on and then by the time I sit my fat ass down I draw a bit of a blank. I am not giving up on this by far I just got to rethink how I approach it now cause I am in a different place in my life. One thing I do know is that the overwhelming feeling of pending doom is not looming over my head like it use to. I say use to cause life still challenges you. No one is immune to this oh so lovely ass whopping we are at dealt at anytime for any reason. Rich or poor, good or bad, it has it out for all of us. The way we respond and overcome makes us the great or shitty person we turn out to be. I do remember talking about living through the struggle on my last post. I have been acquiring tools throughout my journey to help maintain my sense of sanity and what I believe to be happiness. Happiness to me is a on going learning process. I like so far and just like anything in life it can be fleeting so I am soaking up as much as I can. I really am grateful for my therapist Denise and the fact that I am sticking to taking my antidepressants. Also going to church has given quite an inspiring and refreshing push of energy to this whole process as well. I ain't going to preach anytime so by the way, but none the less its an awesome source I have never truly considered in my life till now.I also ranted on my last post about it being a especially challenging time at that moment in time. I now try to focus on very special moments that had occurred prior to the tough ones. Yet another little tidbit I have acquired. In the beginning stages of mending my marriage weeks ago, I remembered a series of letters that me and her wrote to each other. I remembered the joy it gave my soul to read such things. I remembered the smile on my face. So when obstacles come and we don't say eye to eye on things and feelings get stirred up, I go back to the words that brought me to my "happy place." I was going to transcribe the letters but that way to much writing for these chunky fingers of mine. So I scanned the letters and will be posting them up here in a series of posts. 

Of course pending her approval of some of the material cause she is author to some of it and some it covers very intimate details of our life as well. I forget that not everyone is an open book like I am for the most part.

I have also been learning a lot about myself in these process. If you don't know already I took very extreme measures when it came to the reconciliation of my marriage. I did something I have never done before in my life. I completely disengaged from everything and everyone I know. I literary took a enormous leap of faith. Friends, family, acquaintances, my home, everything I just got up and walked away without saying much of anything to anyone. Nothing personal, no intent of hurting anyone's feelings even thou they got hurt. The history between me and my old lady spans years and about a decade now that I think about it. It's human nature to remember the bad highlights rather than the good ones. I am guilty of such a point of view and making sure the world knew that point of view as well. Another action that has stemmed many consequences. Quick tip to anyone who wants to listen, it best sometimes or most of the time to keep one's big fat mouth shut. So because of certain courses of action, so much water had accumulated under the bridge that there was no way to bridge my current situation with my old one. Can't we all just get along just doesn't seem like a possible motto at the moment. I pray its a temporary thing cause I do love my family and friends very much so. Thou I am sure in their eyes I am a bad brother, son, friend and even father for the way I have handle this and my conduct to boot. I can see their point of view to a point but at the end of the day I have to figure out what's best for me and my family. I plan to succeed and prepare in case I fail. I have failed plenty in my life and its time to balance it out with some good times and stories. I had a crying fit last time I drove by my mom's house, I couldn't stop for hours it seemed. So in my heart and mind the foundation of family and friends remains intact-ed. I plan to build a life upon it where everyone will be welcomed and harmony will be the theme of all of our stories. So enjoy one another and don't ever take for granted what you have cause in a blink of an eye, even by the end of this sentence it could be all taken away and change you forever. 

"Life is a continuous process of improvement or a terminal disease we all die from anyways"
Randy Hinnrichs

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight