Page 85-Merry Late Thanksgiving

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.


Back in November when the world was celebrating turkey, bloated, crazy family time day, I was packing my things looking for a place to lay my head. Never would I imagine that this would ever apply to me and my family. As the bombshell of life and the decisions that lead to this event smacked me in the face I was in a daze and in this daze I had peace. I had the kind of calmness that was very unnatural. I started to accumulate a list in my head of everything I was thankful for. First and for most I was thankful I could think. I could breath on my own, I could walk on my own. I could use my hands, I could hear the world. I could hear my thoughts. I could see my wife and children before me. I had clothes, I had food for me and my family. I had a vehicle. I was thankful for this god awful experience of being without a home. I was thankful for my depression. I was thankful for the incredible amount of stress this event was producing. I was thankful for the pain. I was thankful for all the struggles I had collected in this last year. I was thankful for the good and bad times in my marriage, in my relationship with my kids. I was thankful that these good and bad things were happening cause it was and is for my benefit. When I will overcome these trying episodes in my life I will be better than ever. Stronger and wiser than ever. Nobody say learning isn't painful or a struggle. How can you learn if you don't fail Growing pains and trust me they are pains that hurt a lot. So here is 3 days before Christmas and I don't have a dime to my name, my kids are living elsewhere and my wife is elsewhere to. I am alone in this house with me and my thoughts and my many things to be thankful about. I have no idea how this will right itself but it always does. Things always come to a head cause life continues and stops for no one. I guess if you are reading this be thankful for what you have cause there will always be someone out there in worse shape. That's one of the few comforts I take to me to bed every night, cause I could always be taking a couple of steps in those person's shoes.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 84-They didn't teach this in high school...how to forgive

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I felt inspired by something I read that the Dalai Lama wrote. It made me think about my life and what details it entails to this moment. It made me re think my approach, it may me think everyone's approach. Thou we all mean well we are all figuring this out as we go, no matter how well or ill prepared we are. There is no right or wrong just perception. We are all giving certain god given tools and some we develop about our journey. I claim to be nothing of nothing so it gives me a canvas to build anything. I am not going to tie myself to anything other that what's important to me, just as you would I would hope. I am a simple man, boy, creature of this planet. I am a speck among billions of others. Only together can we attest to become something greater. Only alone can we sit back and admire what we have created or destroyed. This is just a speck of what follows through this brain of mine, this heart of mine. It is always for sale for whom ever is buying. We are all for sale and want to be bought by someone else that wants to collect the specks we are.

In the course of our lives we often make misguided decisions that harm ourselves or others. We do this out of ignorance. We think that a certain mode of behavior will bring us happiness when in fact it brings us suffering. Feeling of self-righteous anger and the urge for revenge may sometimes lead us to harm others in the mistaken conviction that is will benefit us and bring us some form of happiness. Actually, it creates suffering not only for the victims of our deeds but also for us. However justified we may feel, doing others harm, even in the name of revenge, severely disturbs our own peace of mind and creates conditions for own suffering. Instead of revenge, it is the notion of forgiveness that should be encouraged and developed.

If we truly act out of concern for others' well being we will recognize the potential impact of our actions on others and order our conduct accordingly. When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists of. Anger immediately destroys our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred and malice. Although we may have experienced deep hurt in the past, with the development of patience and tolerance it is possible to let of our sense of anger and resentment. If we analyze the situation it is possible to realize that the past is the past, that continuing to feel anger and hatred serves no purpose. They do not change the situation, but just give us rise to further disturbance within our minds and cause our continued unhappiness. Of course we may still remembered what happen, but forgetting and forgiving are two different things. There's nothing wrong with simply remembering what happened, but with the development of forgiveness, it's possible to let go of the negative feelings associated with what took place. 

Forgiveness is not about letting of the perpetrator of some wrong, it is about freeing the victim. If you can forgive, you no longer have to concern yourself with who did what to you and how you are going to make them pay for it. You will be free of the entire burden. Cause if you think about it when you do eventually forgive you will look back at yourself and say man I wasted all that time and energy carry that burden.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 83-Time the killer of life

As the title says its seems to me that time is killing my life. Every second I spend pondering, wallowing and wondering time takes my life. I have unfortunately have resorted to drugs to go to sleep cause I can't stop pondering, wallowing and wondering all the fucking time. The way the body and mind react to adversity leaves one almost at its mercy. The constant battle within myself to keep logic and reason in my system is exhausting. When one or someone else helps to condition yourself to feel bad and unworthy of one's self and everything else its feels impossible to recover from such a daunting thing. As I read this book, When Someone You Love Is Angry by W. Doyle Gentry, PH. D., I see the recycled pattern I keep replaying. It's a hard thing to face and accept what's been staring at you in the face the entire time. It's not even about everybody else being right or have there I told you so's ready to bomb my ears. It is a very hard thing to explain when you but every fiber and will of one's self into something and it still falls apart. Then try again and it fall apart. Then try again and it fall apart. Then try again and fall apart. You're probably tried of reading it as I am of writing and living it. Mind you that was only a few seconds of your life, now translate that feeling to a major part of your life. This is my starting point again. Feeling constantly exhausted and hope is just a ceremonial concept at this point. I just don't wanna become a graveyard of distant memories. 

We constantly strive to achieve and improve our status in life. I feel there is a purpose to all this. As I walk alone, think alone and sleep alone I am now sensitive  to my surroundings. But what good does that do me now. Watching everyone shop and be merry, well at least play the part. I feel we are trained to feel festive. Don't get me wrong its better than anything else we are condition to feel. I just miss my damn family, my nook, my little corner of the world. I just want my nook. 

Pages 81 & 82-I live with someone with PTSD and its givng me PTSD help me....

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
I was going to get on here and rant and vent about all the shit that went down today. Its been a emotionally draining and upsetting day. Sadness and pain have filled yet another of my days and I just can't seem to catch a break. Its about five in the morning and I can't sleep. I prayed once again to find guidance for I am in the same situation I was a few months ago. The only difference is that is gotten far worse and I don't see no happy ending to this tale at all. Well anyways I was doing some research and came across this and it made a lot of sense to me. It rang very true to what I have been experiencing the last couple of weeks. Its quite long so make some coffee and curl up it going to take awhile. 

Living with a person with PTSD

Living with and being supportive of a person with PTSD can be one of the most difficult things you will ever experience. My ex-girlfriend can attest to that. I suffer combat-related, delayed-onset PTSD based on my 1989 experiences as a photographer in a war zone. As my girlfriend and I part ways at the end of our lease in a few days, I decided to write this article to help others navigate the shoals of PTSD relationships with insight that can only be gained with experience, intense introspection and a lot of checking against sources on the Internet and my own therapist.

The worst heartbreak about breaking up is that both of us are still very much in love with each other and the decision that we both needed time alone to heal was only one possible outcome out of many. We both agreed in hindsight that this could have been avoided if only some past decisions and actions on both sides had been made differently. The decision to break up was a good and healthy one for both of us, but it was only one possible outcome of three years of making decisions.

This article is about what could have been done differently by both of us: PTSD properly managed earlier, my being able to give more support to a girlfriend that didn't sign up for my illness, her learning more about how to handle a person with PTSD and protecting her own self against what was essentially emotional abuse, etc.

This article is for the person that lives with a person that suffers (or, thinks they suffer) PTSD.

Understanding PTSD and your situation

Information and understanding are your only way through the maze of a relationship with a person with PTSD. The problem is that the Internet is full of misleading facts and articles and PTSD, itself, isn't like schizophrenia or a broken bone with a clear diagnosis. The fact is, there are a lot of people running around thinking they have PTSD when they don't.

Here are some facts about PTSD:

Only a tiny percentage of people that suffer severe trauma will also suffer from PTSD. Trauma can cause a lot of issues that need to be dealt with and may have long-term effects, but PTSD is a separate animal and the two terms are not interchangeable.
Although I encourage research on the Internet to understand PTSD more, it is absolutely impossible to diagnose PTSD without seeing an experienced professional therapist and/or psychiatrist over several sessions and not just one. A person can literally exhibit every single 'symptom' of PTSD listed in DSM and STILL not have PTSD.
PTSD is not curable: PTSD involves the physical creation of neural connections in the brain and once those connections are made, they can't be unmade any more than we can uncook an egg. That said, the symptoms of PTSD can be managed to the point where they simply don't come up even from triggers and in the event that PTSD does rear its ugly head, the sufferer has a vast toolbox of skills to get through it.
Therapy is absolutely needed for the sufferer and also for you. That said, brace yourself for the fact that therapy, especially for the first several months, is going to bring a lot of things up to the surface, which is going to make the symptoms seem a lot worse and even seem to create new ones. That was something my girlfriend and I were not prepared for.
Match the behavior to the symptoms, but also understand when a banana is just a banana. This is a two-part issue that becomes a bit of a balancing act. One one hand, for example, it's easy to read that 'paranoia' is one of the symptoms of PTSD, but it's another thing to experience your mate insisting that they think you're having an affair and questioning everything you're doing and forcing you to 'report to them' about every detail of your day as if you were in an interrogation. It's easy to get caught up in it and angry and defensive without being able to step back and say, "ok, that's paranoia and I know how to deal with that."

On the other hand, "anger" is also a symptom of PTSD, but sometimes a person that suffers PTSD has a legitimate reason for feeling angry with you: Dismissing their anger as a PTSD issue is rightfully going to piss them off and it's unfair to use their PTSD to avoid painful communication. As Freud famously remarked about his cigar and oral fixations: Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
The PTSD sufferer has to learn a set of skills for dealing with the PTSD. You also have to learn a set of skills to deal with the PTSD sufferer and also to protect yourself and keep yourself in an healthy place. It takes work and commitment and discipline. It takes emotional maturity.
Self-Evaluation and Therapists

Whether or not the PTSD Sufferer is seeing a therapist, you need to see one that you feel comfortable with. You need to get yourself in a mental and emotional place where you're able to deal with your loved one without getting sucked into the trap of always dealing with their symptoms. For that, you need a trusted, trained, experienced outside perspective.

When we're confronted with a situation with a person, a lifetime of learning and growing have trained us to react to the situation at hand without thinking: We think of the person and the action as one and the same. You'll be learning new skills that teach you how to see the action for what it is and the person as the person you love. Therapy will give you the set of skills on how to react in certain situations and will help you get through a tangle of anger and bitterness that you're definitely going to feel from time to time.

The most important thing is becoming emotionally mature in a way that you may not have had to be, before. Consider it a growth opportunity: As much as the PTSD sufferer is going to have to learn skills to cope with PTSD, you also need to be self-evaluating your own emotions, thoughts, reactions and behaviors to make sure you aren't silently slipping into abuse, unhappiness and your own lack of growth.

Whatever you may feel against seeing a therapist, get over it. If it's a financial issue that keeps you from seeing one, there are a lot of options available to you that are a Google Search away. If there's a stigma issue involved (police and military are traditionally adverse to seeing a therapist because they believe it will end up on their record, for example) do what you have to do to find a private therapist out of town and establish your privacy concerns.

You will NOT get through this relationship without your own therapist. If the PTSD sufferer is against you seeing a therapist and you feel safe, assert yourself: "My choice is to be healthy with you, healthy without you, or unhealthy." Don't argue the point, don't fall for any arguments they come up with, don't try to avoid them getting angry. Just repeat that and ask them which you should choose. If they choose one of the other choices, just repeat their choice back to them: "So, you want me to be unhealthy." Nothing else. Do not be emotional about it no matter what you feel.

Work with your therapist to get your loved one to see a therapist.

This requires patience, understanding, and sometimes a lot of time. It requires strategy and compassion and a lot of time. It requires strength, maturity, going through a lot of incidences and frustration and anger and a lot of time.

It may, depending on the situation, mean having the strength to present an ultimatum and having the strength and preparation to stick to it. In any case, I mentioned that if you didn't get help, your relationship was already dead in the water. If the PTSD sufferer doesn't get help with a therapist AND psychiatrist/Nurse Practitioner as a team, then your relationship is still dead in the water. Thankfully, you have a therapist to help you gain what you need for yourself to survive this milestone.

Once you and your loved one is in therapy, the real work begins. If anything I write in this article after this contradicts your therapist, bring it up to them, but always side with them and trust them and discard anything I write that your therapist doesn't agree with: I'm not a therapist, I'm speaking generally based on my experiences and facts I learned, I'm still learning.

Safety and Emotional Health

In the best of circumstances, you both are emotionally mature, you realize that one person is sick, but getting better, you're not in physical danger from the PTSD sufferer and you both are committed to getting through a long and difficult time and getting out the other side with professional help.

In most circumstances, however, both of you are in different emotional places on a long process of healing -- and hurt -- and with very different issues that you have to deal with. Depending on your situation and the symptoms of the PTSD sufferer, you have to protect yourself, first, on two levels: Physical and Emotional.

I can say that one of my own symptoms is irrational anger and even rage. That said, (thank god) I've never struck or threatened to strike my loved one even in the worse cases of flooding or irrational anger. I have, however, been startled awake by an ignorant homeless shelter staff member that shook people awake every morning, even those of us in 'clinic beds.' She ignored protocol and I had her on the ground in a wrestling lock with my hand around her throat before I was even awake. It was only the intervention of another staff member that kept me from being kicked out of the shelter and/or arrested.

If you are physically hit, punched, grabbed in anger, pushed, have something thrown at you or in your direction, verbally threatened, etc., you are in physical danger. You need to get you and any children out of that situation at the first opportunity. This doesn't necessarily mean you're permanently leaving this person, but you absolutely need physical space to deal with them without getting yourself seriously hurt or killed... by accident.

If you think you're safe because you're a big guy and the PTSD sufferer is a woman, think again.

In this very worst case scenario, you need someone else to help you mediate any further conversation so that you can tell the person you are still with them, but there are conditions and a lot of work before you'll feel safe coming back. Trust me: It's a pretty good bargaining chip to convince them they need help and to commit to whatever they have to do.

Emotional health is a little bit more difficult to evaluate and the damage to yours may be a long and invisible process that you won't recognize by yourself. A bunch of friends and a girls/boys night out with unconditional support is not the help you need: Your friends and family have themselves in the equation of any 'therapy' support they can offer you and almost none of them have experience and training to deal with both you and the PTSD situation. Everyone will have advice, though...

The danger with emotional health is that the relationship between two people becomes more and more about the 'PTSD sufferer' and 'PTSD' and how tomorrow will be better for you, but (like my girlfriend discovered) tomorrow never comes.

PTSD is a mental illness and it's suffered by a person feels that needs you to be there, no matter what they do because of their illness. They believe that every bad thing they do is just PTSD and not really them so they don't feel culpable for their actions: They didn't do 'that.' PTSD did.

They're also probably smart, both consciously and sub-consciously. They're going to do and say whatever they have to -- up to a point -- to get you to comply with whatever they think they need you to do when they need that.... whatever 'that' might happen to be. They are either going to be very convincing, or try to wear you down into complying, or both.

Emotional health involves seeing things for what they are and seeing the tactics and the needs and motivations and acting to support them, but first to protect yourself. Again, you need help with this. I cannot stress this, enough.

Extend your support base and encourage the PTSD Sufferer to extend theirs

PTSD and the PTSD Relationship can be very alienating. My girlfriend and I were already natural introverts, so that made things even worse for us: We already didn't bother with making 'friends' of even the loosest sort even before we met, we didn't join groups, we felt uncomfortable letting too many people too deeply into our lives.

Both of us learned the mistake of this and we're scrambling now to correct it.

I've been able to alienate nearly every person that ever called me their friend in the past three years of my PTSD. I've literally been banned by my own family because they got sick of me being myself one day, and a monster, the next. My girlfriend is finally having to make the tough and heartbreaking decision to leave for her own health despite being still in love with me.

Her experience is that a lot of long-time friends don't talk with her and she's too embarrassed to talk with them. She's just now, in the past few months, discovering that her own family is much stronger and more loving than mine and have always been there for her: They're going to help her move out, go back to college, etc. They've always loved her, they just needed her to turn to them, first. Same with her old friends.

You need to bring people in and learn to be a joiner and get out to do things with people on your own. You need to do this even if the PTSD sufferer objects. Whether you're an introvert, or extrovert, the fact of people around you diffuses any fear you may have of separating with your PTSD loved one.

The reason this is important is because sometimes you have to confront the person with PTSD no matter what their threats might be and your fear of the Ace they may have: They will leave you. You have to be ready to call the bluff to get that option off the table for them.

Another reason that you need to extend your support base of people is so that there's no single voice telling you what to do and giving you advice: You'll find yourself in emotional places where any single, reasonable-sounding voice will seem to be giving you good advice no matter how unprofessional, ignorant and ultimately ill-conceived.

Go to groups. Find MeetUp groups in your city by simply searching "CityName" and the word MeetUp and searching for interests that match groups that are there. Reach out to friends that you think have abandoned you by doing a simple "Hey!" on Facebook chat: You may find that they missed you and thought you were abandoning them. Look up school mates. Start hanging out once in a while with co-workers. Some people are spiritual, so churches, synagogues and mosque communities are an option outside of regular services.

Simply put, the more people you have in your corner, the stronger you are about making decisions even if it means making ultimatums. This is true whether you're an introvert with a couple of friends, or an extrovert with a lot of friends.

Whatever you decide to do, fight hard against isolating yourself.

Self-medication

I self-medicated with alcohol -- the cheapest, nastiest beer I could find -- to forget painful, intrusive memories, to cut the edge of my rage and paranoia and grief. My trigger was any heavy helicopter that would fly by (the small ones didn't bother me) so when I figured out that helicopters tended to fly by every week-day at between noon and 2 pm, I started drinking around 10 am so that it wouldn't disable me and I could keep working after being triggered.

It didn't work, but I kept fooling myself into thinking it was better than nothing. It eventually got to the point where I was 2 - 4 80z Natural Ice per day and wasn't even feeling a buzz... and found it very hard to summon up the courage to stop.

The reason I gave you this personal testimonial is because I know for a fact that my self-medication attempts made every single symptom worse and not better. Worse, it made my symptoms worse for my girlfriend.

If I was paranoid, I became obsessively paranoid and ignored any facts that didn't fit my paranoia. If I was angry, I'd become enraged or endlessly argumentative without really knowing what I was angry about and without being able to make a point in my arguments. If I was trying to get in a single day's work despite the helicopter trigger, I became worse than useless and unable to concentrate.

Drinking also kept me from being able to make use of skills such as Grounding and Breathing exercises without a great deal of effort.

It would have been a huge help if my girlfriend refused to accept my rationality that alcohol helped my PTSD and refused to support it. If she had forced me to go to AA meetings the same way she forced me to see a therapist for the first time, things might have been very different. That said, the responsibility was ultimately mine to get help and I failed her by fooling myself with Self Medication.

My advice to you is not to bully them or badger them or argue with them or threaten them into quitting whatever self-medication method they use. Especially don't blame self-medicating when they are in the middle of an episode. You will never be able to have a rational conversation with a PTSD sufferer when they are in an episode in the first place and if they are self-medicating, the whole situation becomes even more irrational and, for you, self-defeating.

Disengage from the situation with the promise that you're willing to talk about it the next day at a particular time in the morning. You may have to repeat this several times because the PTSD sufferer will not want to stop at first: They have a point to make and they want you to agree with it.... they just don't know what it is.

Try to get them to agree to stop talking until that particular time, tomorrow. Morning is important because most PTSD sufferers are 'reset' and at their freshest in the morning if there haven't been any nightmares.

The next morning, simply tell them that you want them to try and tell you why they were angry and what they wanted you to do about it. Let them talk and, except for nodding your head and the occasional "ok" do not say anything until they are done talking and there is at least 30 seconds of silence. If it's 29 seconds and they start talking, again, keep silent. If they leave, let them and when they want to talk again, ask the original question, again.

If they manage to come up with a reason for their anger and are able to last 30 seconds without talking and without leaving, ask them the following question: "Was your anger and the way you acted proportionate to the problem you had with me?"

Next, simply make the following statement: "Your self medication isn't working for me. Find another way that doesn't involve self-medication. Prescription medication from a psychiatrist is ok. Anything else isn't."

Then stop. No matter what they say, your answer is, "Your self-medication isn't working for me."

Don't threaten them. Don't argue. Don't defend your statement. Don't get emotional, no matter what they say (and they'll go through a range of arguments involving pleading, rationalizing, anger, threats, appeals to guilt and how you don't understand and don't care about them).

Stay strong and be firm on this one truth: "The self medication isn't working for YOU."

Don't fall in the trap of saying that self medication isn't working for 'them" or even that "it doesn't work." It's a trap and you'll never get out of it.

Stay strong and firm ... and patient.

Time, Commitment and Patience: Know and agree to your limits.

If you think that getting through this is going to take a day, a week, a month, a single year... you're fooling yourself. The question -- this is deadly serious -- is how much time and commitment and patience you're willing to devote to this person and the fact that they are always going to have PTSD. They will some day be able to manage their symptoms if they work hard and YOU work hard at it and on yourself.

If you tell the PTSD sufferer that you'll always be there with them, no matter what, and then leave a couple years down the road because it just becomes too hard and you believe life for yourself would be better without their problems, you seriously hurt two people. It's unrealistic to promise that you'll be there, no matter what.

If the person with PTSD refuses to get help, continues to self-medicate, drives away all your friends and family, isolates you, keeps you from growing, makes you feel badly about yourself, etc. ... you're going to either hate them, or leave them, or both.

You have to be honest with your loved one about what you can deal with and for how long you're willing to put up with things if they aren't working to improve. Before you can be honest with your loved one, though, you have to be honest with yourself. If you're not really willing to go down the long road of their recovery with them, then don't bother going a short distance of making your own guilt feel better by helping them 'a little bit' until they're on their feet... only to leave them, then with clean hands.

This isn't a decision you can make in a day or a week and I highly recommend talking to your therapist about it. In the end, though, you need to one day sit down with the PTSD Sufferer and spell it out what you're willing to do, for how long and what THEY need to do for themselves if they want you to stick around.

The reason I make this point is because you are the main support structure that the PTSD sufferer depends on for their mental health. If they think you're going to be there and you suddenly withdraw your support, you've essentially pulled the rug out from under them in every possible way. You will essentially have taken every effort and improvement they've made and thrown it in their face.

It's dangerous for them. If you aren't willing to commit, then be honest, swallow whatever guilt you feel, and do them the favor of not letting them depend on quicksand.

With a straight, honest talk, however, and an agreement that you'll be there IF they do certain things in a reasonable amount of time (or are at least making a visible effort to accomplish those things), you'll agree to stay... if they don't keep to it and work hard and you leave, then it's on them. Not you.


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 80-Keep taking it on the chin no matter how bloody it gets

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
Bertlot Berchlt

Today has been another day of just daunting emotional crisis. I know that saying, God will not give you more than you can handle. I beginning to question that saying. I don't know where to begin my venting of what has occurred and what has been for awhile. I believe I last left off on our current status of being homeless and dealing with that trauma in itself. I really try to keep my head up as much as I can, but it seems the more I lift it the more of a target I seem to be. I have exhausted all my god given patience and I am lost. The fact that I have fallen further than I have ever dreamed of is frighting in itself. I have lost more than I thought I had to lose. My kids, my home, my possessions, my self esteem, my dignity, my will, and lately my soul it feels like.  For instance on the day we got kicked out, the night before Thanksgiving a sign of hope rose from the rubble. My old lady gave me my wedding band. I had refuse to wear mine cause she didn't have her's anymore. She pawned it during our separation. I felt it was wrong to only display half of the union that is our marriage. So that night while we were packing she came up to me all excited cause her grama's ring finally  fit on her finger. I saw this as a glimpse of hope here we are at one of the lowest part of our lives and this symbol of unity, love, commitment, and support shows itself. My go to saying everything happens for a reason pops into my head. I'm telling myself that in the not to distant future we will look back at this time as something that strengthen our resolve our will to make it after all. Today feels like the last nail in the coffin instead. Before the events of today transpire, there has been a series of events that have help lead to this bombardment of emotional scaring. I think describing the act itself will give you a better perspective at what is going on.
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a , creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
This kind of behavior has left me feeling almost nothing anymore. I do strike back with my own verbal tongue lashing cause I can only sit there and take so much. I am human and I do have feelings, whatever is left at this point I am not sure. I am loser, fat, lazy, not willing to support my family among other things. I accept that I have not put my best foot forward when it comes to the job situation. I have been in a bit of trance ever since my nervous breakdown back at the end of April. I'm not excuse my lack of effort but I am trying to give you a bit of a timeline. I never have had a breakdown like that before, where my body betrayed me and I lost control of it. There was no handbook to recover from it properly. I am learning as I go and obviously I am fucking up as I go to.
Today things got really bad. It all started with me not responding accordingly to her likening it seems.
From there it quickly and swiftly deteriorated to an all out abusive war with both parties throwing out bombs and cause immense damage. Where it got out of hand is when she but her hands on me again. It's a trend that's been happening quite a bit the last couple of weeks. It's something new. I am quite a large man so when this happens I have to be very careful on how I don't respond compare to how I would like to respond. I am not a violent person but I do not like anyone putting their hands on me either. Its a very delicate situation and one I have being part of. I literally come out shaking and in a panic cause I can't believe this is happening to me. My anxiety goes through the roof cause I detest violence always have. I have the means to easily defend myself due to my very large nature, but my passive one takes lead always. Once its done its done there is no coming back from it is what I constantly remind myself. Also in the midst of it I try my best to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is not mentally well. Like my therapist says I have a full deck she doesn't. But my question is how many more times is it going to take before something happens that  not me or her can come back from. How many I am sorry or hugs and kisses is going to make up for the damage. Scars are scars. They stay scars cause you can heal scars. As she has tearfully say where do we go from here and now I tearfully say where do I go from here.

“The moment she was cursed, I lost her. Once it wears off- soon- she will be embarrassed to remember things that she said, things she did, things like this. No matter how solid she feels in my arms, she is made of smoke.”
Holly Black

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 79-Homeless but not Soulless

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

 Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless cup of coffee till the last sip. Then and only then we find the sugar lying a the bottom. That's life in a nutshell, bitter then sweeten but not well stir. I guess I'll have myself another cup and see how it goes.

Richie G..

Last time I was on here on was in quite a rush. I believe I was giving a quick update on the status of my ongoing saga. I was also thinking about doing a typical what I am thankful type of post, but as the cookie crumbles I have a mess on my hands once again and its time to clean up. It is Saturday night and its quite different from last Saturday night. To start off I don't have a home like I did. I don't have my children like I did. I don't have a bed like I did. I don't have some of possessions like I did and finally I don't have my sanity like I did. What's been occurring these last two and half months has been a roller-coaster of decisions and emotions beyond my wildest imagination. My initial decision to reunite with my wife was a very difficult one in the sense of the history and the perception of it all. The water under our unified bridge since the inception of our relationship should have flooded away anything and everything ever built between us and beyond. The amount of emotional distress and just not knowing what the fuck we were doing has created some permanent scars that are almost impossible to ignore. This kind of mishandling of this precious thing we share between us has left a wake of destruction that very tragic and unfortunate. The flip side of this tragedy is this amazing sensation that fills my heart and soul. The overwhelming feeling of sensation that occupies my usual vacant heart is beyond my vocabulary of words to use to describe it. Here I am homeless, childless, and insane and I am ranting about the pitfalls and exhilarating aspects of love. The way I look at is as soon as I am done with this rant I'll have plenty of time to marinate in the shitty aspects of my current situation. 
So the next logical step would be to give a little detail of how this scenario  got cooked up. Well the fall of Rome began about 4 weeks ago. My old lady had an awesome set up of paid housing, paid transportation, paid necessitates, and paid wants mainly cigarettes. In return she was to take care of the landlord's 85 year old mother. The reality of the setup was as few scheduled meals through the day make sure she takes her medication and spend time with her. Usually by going out and smoking cigarettes with her a few times throughout the day. Yes the availability of the situation kind of sucked by the physical labor was quite easy at least in my book. Well one of the stipulations was that she not socialize to much with the tenants. We lived in a duplex of sorts it was 4 apartments joined together in one long stretch nicknamed The Ranch. Well that didn't sit pretty with my old lady so she decided to continue in her ways and not  abide by their wishes. This lead to much conflict in the household and honestly between me and her until it finally came to a head. The intensity of the tension finally sparked and the claws came out. Needless to say she was fired from her gig. Once that judgement was made the beginning of the end was in order. As the days turn to weeks the tension and stress was so thick you could cut it with whatever you could find. A couple of blow ups occurred and I tried my hardest to keep the peace and buy us some time. The situation put a strain on our relationship with each other and with the kids. There seem no way out of this without it being a complete disaster. So here comes the day before thanksgiving and after an initial attempt to apologize and mend some hurt feelings it eventually lead to the end of our extended stay. I mean I understand the emotional brutality  that occurred but to ask us to leave the night before thanksgiving was unheard of. She seems to have checked out emotionally and under her supposed Christian value system with much ease seem to be fine that by the end of the night there was a very good chance me and my family would be sleeping in the car. A night were the temperature was dropping rapidly. But this is a quick reminder that the outside world push come to shove don't give a shit. So here I go packing again and shipping off like the gypsy's we have become it seems. As I held in my tears and watched everyone else unleash theirs, I had no answer and soon no roof to call home and lay me head. To be continued... 


  I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 78-Lazy update

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I haven't written in awhile once again. This is becoming a theme I am not happy with, but as usual I am the sole reason for that. Things are rocky. Things between me and her. Things between us and the wonderful people helping us. Things with the universe in general. They say don't give up cause that's when usually something good is coming. I been down this road before. I haven't done all of my best to improve this situation I will admit. I am currently at the Haines City Library on one of their public computers. I just failed my CDL learner's permit written exam. I been approved by Disney to be accepted in their bus training program. I passed 2 of the 3 required test. I can retake the test again but it going be ten bucks a pop. I already owe them ten for today, but as they say everything happens for a reason. My old lady's health is declining again and her management of pain has made it difficult at times. I running short on time so I won' t be able to fully explain a lot of the details about what's been going on. I just kinda of venting a bit. I feel worthless cause I can even keep this blog updated. I'm in a bit of rut of sorts and looking to rise up and move forward. Just trying to take it one minute at a time for the moment. So I was just say hi and checking in with everyone who takes the time to take a peak at my non important life. I will be back...

Normally I would write my usual sign off statement but I can' t remember for the life of me. Fml..

Page 77-Letter from the heart part 3

This is the final one in the series.

Page 76-Letter from the heart part 2

This is the second one of the three in the series.

Page 75-Letter from the heart part 1

Here is one of three of the letters I will be posting.
This is just a snapshot of what travels through my heart. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 74-Life continous process or terminal disease?

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Darkness can not drive out darkness, only light can. Hate can not drive hate out, 
only love can do that"
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Its been a little while since I have sat here in front of this computer and confessed my life a bit. I kind of feel this to be my personal confessional booth of sorts. Confessed, I haven't used that word since Catholic school like two million years ago. Anyways I digress, I find it harder and harder to find the time to focus and do such a thing. Throughout the week I get these points I would like to elaborate on and then by the time I sit my fat ass down I draw a bit of a blank. I am not giving up on this by far I just got to rethink how I approach it now cause I am in a different place in my life. One thing I do know is that the overwhelming feeling of pending doom is not looming over my head like it use to. I say use to cause life still challenges you. No one is immune to this oh so lovely ass whopping we are at dealt at anytime for any reason. Rich or poor, good or bad, it has it out for all of us. The way we respond and overcome makes us the great or shitty person we turn out to be. I do remember talking about living through the struggle on my last post. I have been acquiring tools throughout my journey to help maintain my sense of sanity and what I believe to be happiness. Happiness to me is a on going learning process. I like so far and just like anything in life it can be fleeting so I am soaking up as much as I can. I really am grateful for my therapist Denise and the fact that I am sticking to taking my antidepressants. Also going to church has given quite an inspiring and refreshing push of energy to this whole process as well. I ain't going to preach anytime so by the way, but none the less its an awesome source I have never truly considered in my life till now.I also ranted on my last post about it being a especially challenging time at that moment in time. I now try to focus on very special moments that had occurred prior to the tough ones. Yet another little tidbit I have acquired. In the beginning stages of mending my marriage weeks ago, I remembered a series of letters that me and her wrote to each other. I remembered the joy it gave my soul to read such things. I remembered the smile on my face. So when obstacles come and we don't say eye to eye on things and feelings get stirred up, I go back to the words that brought me to my "happy place." I was going to transcribe the letters but that way to much writing for these chunky fingers of mine. So I scanned the letters and will be posting them up here in a series of posts. 

Of course pending her approval of some of the material cause she is author to some of it and some it covers very intimate details of our life as well. I forget that not everyone is an open book like I am for the most part.

I have also been learning a lot about myself in these process. If you don't know already I took very extreme measures when it came to the reconciliation of my marriage. I did something I have never done before in my life. I completely disengaged from everything and everyone I know. I literary took a enormous leap of faith. Friends, family, acquaintances, my home, everything I just got up and walked away without saying much of anything to anyone. Nothing personal, no intent of hurting anyone's feelings even thou they got hurt. The history between me and my old lady spans years and about a decade now that I think about it. It's human nature to remember the bad highlights rather than the good ones. I am guilty of such a point of view and making sure the world knew that point of view as well. Another action that has stemmed many consequences. Quick tip to anyone who wants to listen, it best sometimes or most of the time to keep one's big fat mouth shut. So because of certain courses of action, so much water had accumulated under the bridge that there was no way to bridge my current situation with my old one. Can't we all just get along just doesn't seem like a possible motto at the moment. I pray its a temporary thing cause I do love my family and friends very much so. Thou I am sure in their eyes I am a bad brother, son, friend and even father for the way I have handle this and my conduct to boot. I can see their point of view to a point but at the end of the day I have to figure out what's best for me and my family. I plan to succeed and prepare in case I fail. I have failed plenty in my life and its time to balance it out with some good times and stories. I had a crying fit last time I drove by my mom's house, I couldn't stop for hours it seemed. So in my heart and mind the foundation of family and friends remains intact-ed. I plan to build a life upon it where everyone will be welcomed and harmony will be the theme of all of our stories. So enjoy one another and don't ever take for granted what you have cause in a blink of an eye, even by the end of this sentence it could be all taken away and change you forever. 

"Life is a continuous process of improvement or a terminal disease we all die from anyways"
Randy Hinnrichs

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 73-Pain the foundation of everything

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

foundation
noun
1. the act of founding, especially the establishment of an institution with provisions for future provisions.
2. the basis on which a thing stands, is founded or is supported


I am in bit of a mood today. Reality is raining down on me and I knew it was a matter of time before I got soaked. When I was in church on Sunday morning the preacher had a very interesting sermon on the foundation of things. Yeah I said church. Not in a million years did I ever think the phrase I went to church would appear on anything that was attached to me.  He said that to have a proper foundation and have something to weather the storm life is going to bring, one has to do a lot of work that goes unnoticed. He came up with the analogy of two men building a house. The man on the left built the foundation of his house on sand cause it was easier. The man on the right started digging underground before even laying the foundation. The man on the left builds his framework, gets his walls up and before you know it has his house almost built. The man on the right is still working on securing his foundation. The man on the left is done with his house. He looks down at the man on the right and laughs at his slow progress. The man on the left is proud as his house stands tall and finished. The man on the right has this finished housed constantly looming over him as he digs and digs to secure his foundation. There comes a time when the man on the right finally finishes his house. The man on the left by this time has thrown a couple of parties and been the talk of the town on his amazing house and the record time it was built. The man on the right house's isn't as fancy but its a roof over his head, a place he can lay his head and call home. The next day a storm of epic portion comes and falls upon both houses. The man on the left house trembles and shakes and eventually collapses upon itself. The man on the right house bends but does not break. The man on the left could no longer look down at the man on the right's house. As fast as it went up, it came tumbling down.
In life we want the glory and adoration of the rewards life has to offer. We don't want to do the work. I don't wan't to do the leg work. We condition ourselves to this sense of entitlement. I deserve to be famous, I deserve to be rich. We envy those who have succeeded in life and we don't think for a second about the risk or struggle they have endure. We don't think about the amount of failure they have had to be paid and the strength of their faith to continue in what they believe. This applies to yours truly. I would love to be able to wake up one day come on here and see that a million people have looked at what I wrote. The fame and fortune it would bring to my life and family.  The minute some ridiculous idea like that pops up in my head I put my two feet on the floor and come back to earth. Its the struggle that builds your character. Its the struggle people identify with. Its the struggle that teach the tools you need to be successful in life. Its the struggles in life that make you the Juggernaut you are in life. It makes you. In order to build muscle that defines strength you must break it so it can mend not to break. So it can heal and be this force to be reckon with. Unfortunately I have to apply this way of thinking to my life at the moment. I must practice what I am attempting to preach on here. I must practice cause I believe in it as well. 
My life is at crossroad of sorts. I have made a leap of faith and have taken a road I have yet not traveled in my life. I have removed myself from all I know and I am venturing out. I have left my safety net. I have done this so I can have a different perspective at the challenges life throws at me. Whatever I was doing before wasn't working. Extraordinary moments require extraordinary measures. When you have faith in something that looks broken to the world and you grasps it knowing what's broken is going to cut you its scary. Even more so if the cuts are deep and you start to bleed out and not having someone waiting with a band aid. 
I am at point with my situation where past demons have presented themselves. They have come to torment and tempt me to fail and fall from the difficult progress I have made. In order to succeed we must learn from our failures and not repeat them. It is so easy when things are good to say I know there are going to be bad times and not think twice about that statement. My god when the time come to face those bad times it literally takes everything in me not to fall of the wagon and go back to the negativity that lead me nowhere. I really don' t want to get into the details to much about exactly what conflict I am having at the moment. I have someone else that I have to think about. Its just not me no more so I have to be very careful in what I share from time to time. It comes with the package when you share your life someone. All  I want to say is that its not a sprint. Its a fucking marathon and my god is fucking overwhelming at times. But my eye is on the prize. My eye is that finish line and have the satisfaction of knowing that we beat the odds and that the struggle made me strong, better, more loving and the Juggernaut I know I am. We all make mistakes,have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But we are not our mistakes, we are not our struggles. We are here today with the power  and ability to shape our lives and our future.Love one another cause there is no promise that we will have the opportunity to do it tomorrow. 

"Be to her virtues very kind. Be to her faults a little blind."

- Matthew Prior 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 72-THis is a marathon? They lied to me...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.
Mahatma Gandhi

I have been procrastinating this post since I posted my last one last week. The whole point I started this blog was to express myself and I feel like I'm using my talents on some level. Its stressful trying to live up to certain expectations placed upon me by myself and others. This shouldn't feel like work. This shouldn't stress me out. As the process goes the more I get into this post the more at ease I feel. Seems like the story of my life. I tend to give up before I even try. I am working on that mind frame and approach to life in general. Especially in my family and marriage.
Things are going well, actually more than well they are going really good. I think I am starting to get a taste of what it is to live in harmony or the closest thing to it. I am so use to the shit hitting the fan than I am constantly flinching waiting to be splattered. So far its been a shit free zone. The good have been great the not so good moments have been not that bad at all. I am growing and learning. Well I think I am. After being put through hell and coming out the abyss to see the light, I still have to pinch myself at times to makes sure this is my life I am living not a daydream. The sequence of events that lead to this time in place I now call my life is still a mind fuck. People in my life are still in the dark cause I have kept them in the dark. This was my choice. Not my wife's choice, not my children's choice, mine. Me Richard Guillermo of sound body and mind have decided to just stop. To hit the pause button and see if I can just soak in all of this. No outside influence. No belly aching on my part. No one chirping in my ear or me looking for someone to chirp in my ear. No more good advice, no more bad advice. Just silence and the sound of my daily life speaking to my heart on a daily basis. Just the chance to apply all that I have learned. The weight of my decisions are very real. This is something new. A new way of life and I am trying to figure it out as I go. 
Much of the advice people get about marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is, it usually doesn't work, The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for. Among the worst advice? Telling your wife how you really feel. Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person. But shouldn't I be honest about my feelings? This way of thinking was one of my beliefs. What's the point of being with someone you can't express yourself fully. I didn't want to sugar coat or fake my feelings cause I thought it might compromise me as a person and the fear of losing my identity. Then through trial and error this simple message finally popped up in my head and stayed  If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship. Listening is an important skill a spouse. But a broken marriage needs leadership. After listening, someone has to have the courage and experience to say, ok here is what I want you to do.  Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen, but because of what someone in the marriage will do.
    It often takes many years of marriage before two people can become honest enough to tell one another what they really need to hear. Marriage provides the painful feedback that is necessary for personal growth. Pain definitely means your alive for sure. Your spouse might be capable of hating you more than anyone. .Your spouse is
also capable of loving you more than anyone.Its a very strange dynamic. The whole ying and yang concept. The harder it is to make things work, the better of a person you will become. It’s more rewarding to run a marathon than it is to walk to the mailbox. That’s because nearly anyone can walk to the mailbox. Few people have what it takes to run a marathon. Relationships are similar. It’s easy to love someone during easy times. It’s a lot more rewarding to love someone through hard times. 
I feel what I feel. I think what I think. No matter what it looks likes like. No matter the history of this story. No matter who the main characters are. I will figure this out. I will take control of my path in life. I will succeed, cause the price of failing is far to great a price to pay. I am tried of paying and I am dead broke cause of it. Time to build from the ground up, what else do I have time for other than waiting for death. 

One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 71-To much grey.. I need a box of crayons

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."
- Lillian Dickson

How does one stop comparing one self to a prior? My insecurities about this area in our relationship fluctuates constantly. I just don't know to conquer this barrier. I feel like I need unrelenting adoration and physical stimulation to build up my devastated ego. How much adoration and physical stimulation can a person provide? Especially someone whose been with me a decade all ready? Am I being unreasonable? 

ego
noun
1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 
b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality 

Am I crying and pouting? The point is that the realities of this mending marriage in progress is getting away from me at times . It seems that my focus derails and falls into an abyss. In this dark, boundless space I pull up a chair and wallow in my fears. I begin my list. What did he do better than me? Was he better in bed? Could he pull more affectionate responses than me? Did he make her laugh more? Did he fulfill her better? Was he more adept at finding her needs without asking or being told? Does she compare me to him but doesn't have the heart to bear me my downfalls? Was his smaller size a factor? Did he truly love her more than me? Did she love him more than I? The questions and fears run a mile long. Honestly I don't have the stamina to continue with this torment I put myself through at times. Then the question I hear from the masses is why even be with someone who makes me torment myself? The answer is real simple. When I'm with her the world could be going to hell in a hand basket and the heat from the chaos around me wouldn't even break me out in a sweat. In the 3 weeks I have yet seen the dark cloud looming over us.
She is the physical manifestation of love for me. She's someone I can hold and kiss. Someone I can caress and smell. Someone I can whisper sweet nothing and vent my frustrations to. She's someone I can buy flowers for. She's my wife. My friend. My soul mate. She is also the one person who has caused the most anguish and torment as well. She has also been my biggest enemy at times. I am not blind to the recent past. I study it quite often . I'm doing my best to learn from my past transgressions and do not want to fall victim to its unsavory outcome. What's that saying, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Something like that I'm feeling to lazy to Google it at the moment. Don't let the world fool you ladies and gentlemen. The world has an abundance of grey to offer. Cause nothing in this life is black and white. There is much love as there is hate in our hearts. Its up to you how you wanna mix that cocktail because its you who has to drink it and live it. This rant got started by a joke in bad taste, in my opinion, tonight. On my next page I will post the letter I wrote to her not to long ago and with her permission I would like to share what she responded with. For those who know me I haven't abandoned my friends and family. You all are in my thoughts everyday and I pray that soon we will all be able to put this behind us and enjoy each others company again. The water under the bridge will reside with enough sunshine. I promise you that. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 70- To accept the hazard of risk- My Marriage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."

- Adam R. Gwizdala

It's been over a week now since the day. The day where my world was remade. The day when I got the call to come over and have dinner. The day I said yes and got to hold her in my arms. The day when the anger and negativity left me as fast as it entered. Her voice quivered as she mouthed the invitation. Time stopped as I ingested this unbelievably act I was being witness to. 48 hrs prior I was 5 feet away trying to assassinate her character and her mine. I wasnt allowed to be within 500 ft of her. So many thoughts raced through my mind. My hand shook as I put the key into the ignition. Just like the turn of the key so I was on my way to turn a page in my book of life. I have been down this road before. Physically and emotionally. As the tires hit the gravel driveway the grinding of the rocks mimicked that of my teeth. I step out of my vehicle and now I'm completely exposed to all the elements of life. No phone, no car, no friends or family, no house to hide behind. I hold my breath to prevent my heart from jumping out my throat as I knocked. Knock, knock... who's there? I didn't want to answer that question. If this was a dream I was dreaming, I didn't want to wake from it. The door opens. "Come in" she says. I instinctively look at those amazing hazel eyes as they watered the second they connected with mine. "Hi, how are you?" I responded. "Ok" she said. Time stopped and I ran out of words. This is the moment I fantasized, I dreamed, I thought was impossible.
She leaped into my arms. I've been waiting to catch her since the day she left back in May. This was the fork in my journey. Do I continue to go on my own or do I catch her and go on with my "Entire" family? She exposed her true self for the first time in a long time, do I do the same? I had a mirco second to decide. She lunged like a cheetah on its prey and I caught her like honey to a bee. I embraced her with all my heart and all my love for her. All the lies, accusations, pain and heartache washed away for those ten seconds. All those conversations I had with the man upstairs and here she is in my arms. Are my prayers answered or is this the final exam? Time will be the grader of my work. She put her lips to mine and we became one for a second. She pushes back excited "you kissed back!" I been waiting to kiss her back since I last saw her at the bed of the ambulance. I sat down next to her. I was frozen in disbelief. Pinch me I asked her cause this can't be real. I would continuously ask her to pinch me throughout our conversation. She told me how sorry she was and what a grave error in judgment she had made. That he was just a rebound and how much she loves me. That she didn't have to call and invite me over cause she could of done it on her own. I quickly responded with I didn't have to come over either. That in fact by me coming over I would jeopardize everything. My family, friends my stability and sanity. That no one would really understand this decision. 

chance
noun
1 a : something that happens unpredictably without discernible human intention or observable cause 
b : the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings 
c : the fortuitous or incalculable element in existence : contingency
2 : a situation favoring some purpose : opportunity <needed a chance to relax>
4 a : the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation; also : the degree of likelihood of such an outcome <a small chance of success> 
b plural : the more likely indications <chances are he's already gone>
5 a : risk <not taking any chances> intransitive verb
1 a : to take place, come about, or turn out by chance : happen <it chanced to rain that day> 
b : to have the good or bad luck <we chanced to meet>
2 : to come or light by chance <they chanced upon a remote inn>
transitive verb
1 : to leave the outcome of to chance
2 : to accept the hazard of : risk

Well anyone who has been reading this knows some of the events that have transpired. For those that have not, I suggest getting some coffee and doing some catching up. The fact of the matter is I did come over cause the love never really left my heart. The dreams never stop coming. The hope never faded to bad and the light at the end if the tunnel never stop fluctuating. No matter how dark it got. I for the first time in my life feel confident at the task ahead. I have grown, I have learned and now its time to implement these changes. I'm going in on my own. No outside interference. No birds chirping in my ears painting pictures in my head. I love you all for support and intent but I must succeed or fail by my own accord. I have to trust my heart and mind on this cause this is the only life I have.
I'm going to finish this post with this analogy. I was washing dishes today and it came time to wash the bowl with the brownie mix in it. It was so dark and sticky it look like someone took a dump in it. Anyway as the clear, pure unrelenting water penetrated the utter muck of dark cake mix it all made sense to me. The simple stream of unconditional love can slowly clear up the most ugly of situations. Only if the stream stops will the muck fester, rot and spread disease. Just like the negativity and hate we may carry in our hearts at anytime. I am truly seeking happiness. All in time of course, all in time. So before discarding someone or something think about the brownie bowl. :)

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 69-If I stagger don't help me up..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future."

- Gifford Pinchot

I have been very down lately. I suppose that the obvious reason would be my heart. Once again I have been slacking with my meds. To call bit my relapse phase. It happens randomly. It feels like I try sabotaging my stability by holding hands with it. Therapy has been a very enlightening experience. I guess my grieving process has its ups and downs. Its been even more difficult since she's moved back into town. Every time I feel I have taken one step forward I seem to hit a bump of an emotional draft that keeps me at a stalemate. I think what is happening especially with the kids is what makes it even harder. One of my goals in life was to shield my kids from being part of a divorce family. My experience with it was so earth shattering that I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I have also realize that I cannot do the work of another person in this relationship . I have realize I have to set an example for my children of what is proper conduct and what is not. What is loving each other and being there for each other. I have failed and succeed in these areas constantly. Despite coming from a broken home I have absorbed these essential elements of life. Life itself is such a cluster fuck of events and emotions. One of the achievements I would like to proclaim in my life span is to see something through the end. What has happened in the last few weeks cannot be contained by mere words. None the less I'm going to give it go. So if I stagger and drift my apologies in advance.

As I sat the other day at my new home with my family, I am having my son asking me what kind of fluids can be transmitted during sex. Yes the non stop action of being dad and husband again is on. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The appreciation that fills my body on a daily basis is

constant pressure I need to keep me focused. The saying here today gone tomorrow spoke volumes today. As I ran errands today this traffic jam appeared suddenly. Of course the reaction of frustration and inconvenience rises to the surface. We make our way through the traffic queue to find a police yellow banner. It had roped off part of the highway and a small crowd had gather. We carefully navigated through the orange cones and make our way pass the crowd to source of this commotion. Gravity had made an impression on the white sheet on the road. His or her hand laid exposed on the sizzling asphalt. The blood had drain from the hand and the paleness seem to compete against the white sheet. The mangled metal of what once represented a motorcycle laid about 50 feet from this make shift resting place. My mind went blank, my heart froze as the tears of this person's family filled my heart. I envisioned their lives forever traumatized by today's date. Having these thoughts and feelings have made me ever so thankful for today and the people involved in my life. I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week.  

 I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week. The last 2 weeks have emotionally rape me. I literally have experienced both sides of the spectrum and I'm still woozy from the experience. My decision to work on my marriage and forgive my wife is not a popular or easy one.I never stopped loving her no matter how dim the light got at the end of the tunnel. Loving her is something I will never apologize for. have factored the past, present and possible future. I have removed all outside influences for once. Its me, her and the kids against all the evil and greatness this world has to offer. Friends and family a like will be up in arms and hugely disappointed in my judgment. I understood by vocalizing and airing my business to the world that this would be a possible consequence. What I've written and spoken about her were true to my mind and heart at the time. I will not retract my perception of the situation cause the detoxification process allowed me to make this decision. The pursuit of happiness is a personal journey no matter what picture it may present. I have my own happiness in mind, my children's, and my old lady's. If I fail it will be on me. If I succeed it will be on me. Definitely to be continued...

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 68-And so go on the Days of our Lives..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I know my posts have declined immensely. Its not because I do not have anything to say. On the contrary so much is going on I want to run away from it and not think. Its not very productive or smart to harbor all of this. Lately I have just wanted to escape. Old habits are hard to repress. I am a living, breathing work in progress. Sometimes the version of me that shows up for the day is better than others. I was writing about other aspects of  my life prior to these current events that I will be talking about today. I hope to get back on those topics soon.  I hope to see the light again soon.

As I sit here waiting for my therapy session at 5 p.m. I ponder what has happened to me in the last week. I have been advised not to speak about what has happened due to legal recourse . It's too much of a thing not to say anything. From what I understood this is public record anyways. I have nothing or no one to hide from. The truth will set these temporary chains free. I haven't been charged with any charges. So here I go. On Thursday night the Department of Children and Families came and visited me and my children at my home. They came to inform me that I've been accused of some serious miss conduct and allegations. I was in shock that these proceedings were happening. Stalking, physical and emotional abuse, spousal rape for only 1 whole month out a 10 year relationship, threatening her life and possibly a threat of molestation to my daughters. As I sit on my bed staring at this DCF investigator I went into a numb like state to protect myself. I start hearing all the advice from all the people in my life tell me that I should have made a preemptive strike against her. I should of reported her for harassment. I should of made a more official mess of her abandonment. I say this because these accusations can only come from one person. The one person that supposedly for better or worse till death do us part was supposed to be on my side.

How things can change and people can change at the drop of a dime. As I sit here writing about what's going on in my life I can't help but overhear my mom talk to someone on the phone. She speaking about someone who just died about 3 hours ago she was only 17 and was hit by drunk driver. My theory is proven. If you think you have it bad it is always someone else who has it far worse. I can imagine dealing with death because it's so final at least I have the ability to continue to fight my battles. I go back to the events of Thursday night September 12 . after taking my statement they asked me if they can speak to the children separately. I walk the hallways pacing like a caged animal while my mind runs in a million directions at the same time. I should have seen this coming. I should have known the nature of the beast. I do know the nature of the beast and because I do i I would have to become a beast myself. As I watched the system that was made to protect real victims be manipulated and butchered by injustice, my stomach curls and my heart sinks. They make their rounds with the kids. They proceed to search the house for drugs and weapons. They find nothing cause there's nothing to find. By the end of it the DCF investigator offered me her services. I recommend that the children get counseling, especially my son. I feel a little at ease with her offer. They walk out my house and the intensity drops. The pressure from the trauma still remains. I eventually go to bed. 

I got up like I do every morning at 6:30 a.m. and took them to the bus stop. Like every morning they got out, gave me a kiss and told them I'll see them in the afternoon. On this afternoon there would be no pick up. At 2:30 p.m. I get a knock at my door. I get up without panic without a second thought unlock the bolt and turn the knob. A Sheriff's deputy emerges with a packet of papers and continues to inform me a temporary injunction or a restraining order has been made against me. My initial thoughts were what is she up to now. The deputy then goes into more detail saying that I'm to stay away from my wife and my children. The same accusations from DCF were stated on the injunction. The air became stale and my vision shook with fear. My legs felt like they were incased in cement. I said my kids live with me! They will be home within the hour! The deputy seem perplexed with my response. The deputy got on the horn with my old lady advising her that she was responsible for the children now. As the weight of this inked blasphemy was place in my hands by the deputy, reality turned my world upside down. I'm left alone. I thought her leaving me was bad. The absence of unconditional love is the biggest punishment anyone can inflict on someone. I've been in limbo ever since. Day after day of anxiety and silence. The imprisonment of one's emotional stability and source of inspiration is very debilitating. My kids help provide so much of that. I feel as if my will is starving. Oh yeah a few days later got served with divorce papers to be continued...

"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it."
- Jean Paul

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 67-He texted, She texted..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

As I stated on my last post I'm going to transcribe one our latest conversation. Since my birthday I have fallen into a rut of sorts when it comes to her. These almost daily interactions make it difficult to stay on track. I also find that writing it down helps me detoxify myself from the situation. 

Me:
Real quick we need to work out some child support arrangement now that your working cause I been doing this all alone for way to long. You say you have changed so I would imagine there would be no issues in you supporting your kids needs. 
 Old lady:
First of all your mom has been taking care of all of you. Second I told you we have to go through the courts. Third you are not letting me see any of the kids, not even my son. They have not been allowed to call me everyday like we agreed and you are doing things behind my back I do not appreciate.
Me:
Behind your back? What do you know about what goes on here, your clueless. Your responsible regardless  is what you do not understand and the fact that you do not see that says it all. If I go through the courts it will be much, much worse on you. To clarify your lack of transportation is your quote unquote excuse not to see them. I have not said no to you for that so that's on you. None of this foolishness is on me cause I been here the whole time regardless of what so called issues are going on. That's what an adult and parent does you should try it.
Old lady:
I tried working. But because my leg is so bad I couldn't. Like I told you I would come home every night crying and could not stand at all or put any pressure on it.
Me:
You don't want to help out why should I?
Old lady:
Talking to the kids is not you helping me out. Richie you've been told you can't legally keep them from me. So can I please talk to the kids?
Me:
What is helping you? Doing your job as well by being a single parent. You get to do whatever cause you don't deal with the kids on a daily basis. You don't want to help out why should I.
Old lady:
I beg you to let me parent my children. You won't let me even let me talk to them. So get your story straight. I've tried to get you to give him to me. His child support is to put a roof over his head and I am putting his child support towards his roof. I'm not arguing with you. We are adults and we should be able to discuss this. So that's what I'm doing.
Me:
He has been here for you to pick up this whole time. What about the roof I have provided?  Guess that's free huh. Who is stopping you from being thier mother!  No one! Get your story straight!
Old lady:
It is free to a child and you didn't say anything. You and your mom told me that before.
Me:
Its your job to support them and you don't plain and simple. Your the worst excuse of a parent I have ever seen.
Old lady:
Your stopping me. So since you won't let me talk to them this discussion is over.
Me:
Your a joke! You always will be, no one will ever see you as doing the right thing. Your not capable of it, end of sentence, end of everything. You want him he is here. No one is stopping you. You just can't deal with the fact that you have screwed him up so bad that you wouldn't be able to handle him. I told you this being civil wouldn't last. You're impossible to deal with no one can deal with you. You make them so fucking miserable. what you don't understand is that what you have done it said is what has caused this storm ends in this for boy's life. You are the cause of suffering like always. He is suffering a lot from what you have done.
Old lady:
Well he might be suffering a little less if you would allow me to speak or see my son!
Me:
That's not going to solve anything. Your two months too late! Your just not bright when it comes to all of this. Its pointless talking to someone with no soul!
Old lady:
Okay well what time can I come get them so I can speak to them and apologize face to face?
Me:
For being a mother as you say you are clueless to what they need or feelings. Its just a shame. The crazy thing is I do care about you but I just don't know what to say about this situation no more. It breaks my heart how our son is suffering quietly like me and blows up like you.
Old lady: 
It's a shame you are keeping them from me, si shame on you!
Me:
There will never be enough shame to cover what you have done and that's a horrible thing. You are not doing right by nobody espically yourself and until you see that things won't ever improve. I'm saying this cause I care, if you see it or not I do. Since I know you so welli know you won't see where I'm coming from. You can't force someone to love or forgive you. I know this is hard

"Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them."
- Edward R. Murrow

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight