I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."
- Lillian Dickson
How does one stop comparing one self to a prior? My insecurities about this area in our relationship fluctuates constantly. I just don't know to conquer this barrier. I feel like I need unrelenting adoration and physical stimulation to build up my devastated ego. How much adoration and physical stimulation can a person provide? Especially someone whose been with me a decade all ready? Am I being unreasonable?
ego
noun
1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2
b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality
Am I crying and pouting? The point is that the realities of this mending marriage in progress is getting away from me at times . It seems that my focus derails and falls into an abyss. In this dark, boundless space I pull up a chair and wallow in my fears. I begin my list. What did he do better than me? Was he better in bed? Could he pull more affectionate responses than me? Did he make her laugh more? Did he fulfill her better? Was he more adept at finding her needs without asking or being told? Does she compare me to him but doesn't have the heart to bear me my downfalls? Was his smaller size a factor? Did he truly love her more than me? Did she love him more than I? The questions and fears run a mile long. Honestly I don't have the stamina to continue with this torment I put myself through at times. Then the question I hear from the masses is why even be with someone who makes me torment myself? The answer is real simple. When I'm with her the world could be going to hell in a hand basket and the heat from the chaos around me wouldn't even break me out in a sweat. In the 3 weeks I have yet seen the dark cloud looming over us.
She is the physical manifestation of love for me. She's someone I can hold and kiss. Someone I can caress and smell. Someone I can whisper sweet nothing and vent my frustrations to. She's someone I can buy flowers for. She's my wife. My friend. My soul mate. She is also the one person who has caused the most anguish and torment as well. She has also been my biggest enemy at times. I am not blind to the recent past. I study it quite often . I'm doing my best to learn from my past transgressions and do not want to fall victim to its unsavory outcome. What's that saying, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Something like that I'm feeling to lazy to Google it at the moment. Don't let the world fool you ladies and gentlemen. The world has an abundance of grey to offer. Cause nothing in this life is black and white. There is much love as there is hate in our hearts. Its up to you how you wanna mix that cocktail because its you who has to drink it and live it. This rant got started by a joke in bad taste, in my opinion, tonight. On my next page I will post the letter I wrote to her not to long ago and with her permission I would like to share what she responded with. For those who know me I haven't abandoned my friends and family. You all are in my thoughts everyday and I pray that soon we will all be able to put this behind us and enjoy each others company again. The water under the bridge will reside with enough sunshine. I promise you that.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."
- Lillian Dickson
How does one stop comparing one self to a prior? My insecurities about this area in our relationship fluctuates constantly. I just don't know to conquer this barrier. I feel like I need unrelenting adoration and physical stimulation to build up my devastated ego. How much adoration and physical stimulation can a person provide? Especially someone whose been with me a decade all ready? Am I being unreasonable?
ego
noun
1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2
b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality
Am I crying and pouting? The point is that the realities of this mending marriage in progress is getting away from me at times . It seems that my focus derails and falls into an abyss. In this dark, boundless space I pull up a chair and wallow in my fears. I begin my list. What did he do better than me? Was he better in bed? Could he pull more affectionate responses than me? Did he make her laugh more? Did he fulfill her better? Was he more adept at finding her needs without asking or being told? Does she compare me to him but doesn't have the heart to bear me my downfalls? Was his smaller size a factor? Did he truly love her more than me? Did she love him more than I? The questions and fears run a mile long. Honestly I don't have the stamina to continue with this torment I put myself through at times. Then the question I hear from the masses is why even be with someone who makes me torment myself? The answer is real simple. When I'm with her the world could be going to hell in a hand basket and the heat from the chaos around me wouldn't even break me out in a sweat. In the 3 weeks I have yet seen the dark cloud looming over us.
She is the physical manifestation of love for me. She's someone I can hold and kiss. Someone I can caress and smell. Someone I can whisper sweet nothing and vent my frustrations to. She's someone I can buy flowers for. She's my wife. My friend. My soul mate. She is also the one person who has caused the most anguish and torment as well. She has also been my biggest enemy at times. I am not blind to the recent past. I study it quite often . I'm doing my best to learn from my past transgressions and do not want to fall victim to its unsavory outcome. What's that saying, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Something like that I'm feeling to lazy to Google it at the moment. Don't let the world fool you ladies and gentlemen. The world has an abundance of grey to offer. Cause nothing in this life is black and white. There is much love as there is hate in our hearts. Its up to you how you wanna mix that cocktail because its you who has to drink it and live it. This rant got started by a joke in bad taste, in my opinion, tonight. On my next page I will post the letter I wrote to her not to long ago and with her permission I would like to share what she responded with. For those who know me I haven't abandoned my friends and family. You all are in my thoughts everyday and I pray that soon we will all be able to put this behind us and enjoy each others company again. The water under the bridge will reside with enough sunshine. I promise you that.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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