I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."
- Adam R. Gwizdala
It's been over a week now since the day. The day where my world was remade. The day when I got the call to come over and have dinner. The day I said yes and got to hold her in my arms. The day when the anger and negativity left me as fast as it entered. Her voice quivered as she mouthed the invitation. Time stopped as I ingested this unbelievably act I was being witness to. 48 hrs prior I was 5 feet away trying to assassinate her character and her mine. I wasnt allowed to be within 500 ft of her. So many thoughts raced through my mind. My hand shook as I put the key into the ignition. Just like the turn of the key so I was on my way to turn a page in my book of life. I have been down this road before. Physically and emotionally. As the tires hit the gravel driveway the grinding of the rocks mimicked that of my teeth. I step out of my vehicle and now I'm completely exposed to all the elements of life. No phone, no car, no friends or family, no house to hide behind. I hold my breath to prevent my heart from jumping out my throat as I knocked. Knock, knock... who's there? I didn't want to answer that question. If this was a dream I was dreaming, I didn't want to wake from it. The door opens. "Come in" she says. I instinctively look at those amazing hazel eyes as they watered the second they connected with mine. "Hi, how are you?" I responded. "Ok" she said. Time stopped and I ran out of words. This is the moment I fantasized, I dreamed, I thought was impossible.
She leaped into my arms. I've been waiting to catch her since the day she left back in May. This was the fork in my journey. Do I continue to go on my own or do I catch her and go on with my "Entire" family? She exposed her true self for the first time in a long time, do I do the same? I had a mirco second to decide. She lunged like a cheetah on its prey and I caught her like honey to a bee. I embraced her with all my heart and all my love for her. All the lies, accusations, pain and heartache washed away for those ten seconds. All those conversations I had with the man upstairs and here she is in my arms. Are my prayers answered or is this the final exam? Time will be the grader of my work. She put her lips to mine and we became one for a second. She pushes back excited "you kissed back!" I been waiting to kiss her back since I last saw her at the bed of the ambulance. I sat down next to her. I was frozen in disbelief. Pinch me I asked her cause this can't be real. I would continuously ask her to pinch me throughout our conversation. She told me how sorry she was and what a grave error in judgment she had made. That he was just a rebound and how much she loves me. That she didn't have to call and invite me over cause she could of done it on her own. I quickly responded with I didn't have to come over either. That in fact by me coming over I would jeopardize everything. My family, friends my stability and sanity. That no one would really understand this decision.
chance
noun
1 a : something that happens unpredictably without discernible human intention or observable cause
b : the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings
c : the fortuitous or incalculable element in existence : contingency
2 : a situation favoring some purpose : opportunity <needed a chance to relax>
4 a : the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation; also : the degree of likelihood of such an outcome <a small chance of success>
b plural : the more likely indications <chances are he's already gone>
5 a : risk <not taking any chances> intransitive verb
1 a : to take place, come about, or turn out by chance : happen <it chanced to rain that day>
b : to have the good or bad luck <we chanced to meet>
2 : to come or light by chance <they chanced upon a remote inn>
transitive verb
1 : to leave the outcome of to chance
2 : to accept the hazard of : risk
Well anyone who has been reading this knows some of the events that have transpired. For those that have not, I suggest getting some coffee and doing some catching up. The fact of the matter is I did come over cause the love never really left my heart. The dreams never stop coming. The hope never faded to bad and the light at the end if the tunnel never stop fluctuating. No matter how dark it got. I for the first time in my life feel confident at the task ahead. I have grown, I have learned and now its time to implement these changes. I'm going in on my own. No outside interference. No birds chirping in my ears painting pictures in my head. I love you all for support and intent but I must succeed or fail by my own accord. I have to trust my heart and mind on this cause this is the only life I have.
I'm going to finish this post with this analogy. I was washing dishes today and it came time to wash the bowl with the brownie mix in it. It was so dark and sticky it look like someone took a dump in it. Anyway as the clear, pure unrelenting water penetrated the utter muck of dark cake mix it all made sense to me. The simple stream of unconditional love can slowly clear up the most ugly of situations. Only if the stream stops will the muck fester, rot and spread disease. Just like the negativity and hate we may carry in our hearts at anytime. I am truly seeking happiness. All in time of course, all in time. So before discarding someone or something think about the brownie bowl. :)
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
She leaped into my arms. I've been waiting to catch her since the day she left back in May. This was the fork in my journey. Do I continue to go on my own or do I catch her and go on with my "Entire" family? She exposed her true self for the first time in a long time, do I do the same? I had a mirco second to decide. She lunged like a cheetah on its prey and I caught her like honey to a bee. I embraced her with all my heart and all my love for her. All the lies, accusations, pain and heartache washed away for those ten seconds. All those conversations I had with the man upstairs and here she is in my arms. Are my prayers answered or is this the final exam? Time will be the grader of my work. She put her lips to mine and we became one for a second. She pushes back excited "you kissed back!" I been waiting to kiss her back since I last saw her at the bed of the ambulance. I sat down next to her. I was frozen in disbelief. Pinch me I asked her cause this can't be real. I would continuously ask her to pinch me throughout our conversation. She told me how sorry she was and what a grave error in judgment she had made. That he was just a rebound and how much she loves me. That she didn't have to call and invite me over cause she could of done it on her own. I quickly responded with I didn't have to come over either. That in fact by me coming over I would jeopardize everything. My family, friends my stability and sanity. That no one would really understand this decision.
chance
noun
1 a : something that happens unpredictably without discernible human intention or observable cause
b : the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings
c : the fortuitous or incalculable element in existence : contingency
2 : a situation favoring some purpose : opportunity <needed a chance to relax>
4 a : the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation; also : the degree of likelihood of such an outcome <a small chance of success>
b plural : the more likely indications <chances are he's already gone>
5 a : risk <not taking any chances> intransitive verb
1 a : to take place, come about, or turn out by chance : happen <it chanced to rain that day>
b : to have the good or bad luck <we chanced to meet>
2 : to come or light by chance <they chanced upon a remote inn>
transitive verb
1 : to leave the outcome of to chance
2 : to accept the hazard of : risk
Well anyone who has been reading this knows some of the events that have transpired. For those that have not, I suggest getting some coffee and doing some catching up. The fact of the matter is I did come over cause the love never really left my heart. The dreams never stop coming. The hope never faded to bad and the light at the end if the tunnel never stop fluctuating. No matter how dark it got. I for the first time in my life feel confident at the task ahead. I have grown, I have learned and now its time to implement these changes. I'm going in on my own. No outside interference. No birds chirping in my ears painting pictures in my head. I love you all for support and intent but I must succeed or fail by my own accord. I have to trust my heart and mind on this cause this is the only life I have.
I'm going to finish this post with this analogy. I was washing dishes today and it came time to wash the bowl with the brownie mix in it. It was so dark and sticky it look like someone took a dump in it. Anyway as the clear, pure unrelenting water penetrated the utter muck of dark cake mix it all made sense to me. The simple stream of unconditional love can slowly clear up the most ugly of situations. Only if the stream stops will the muck fester, rot and spread disease. Just like the negativity and hate we may carry in our hearts at anytime. I am truly seeking happiness. All in time of course, all in time. So before discarding someone or something think about the brownie bowl. :)
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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