page 68-And so go on the Days of our Lives..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I know my posts have declined immensely. Its not because I do not have anything to say. On the contrary so much is going on I want to run away from it and not think. Its not very productive or smart to harbor all of this. Lately I have just wanted to escape. Old habits are hard to repress. I am a living, breathing work in progress. Sometimes the version of me that shows up for the day is better than others. I was writing about other aspects of  my life prior to these current events that I will be talking about today. I hope to get back on those topics soon.  I hope to see the light again soon.

As I sit here waiting for my therapy session at 5 p.m. I ponder what has happened to me in the last week. I have been advised not to speak about what has happened due to legal recourse . It's too much of a thing not to say anything. From what I understood this is public record anyways. I have nothing or no one to hide from. The truth will set these temporary chains free. I haven't been charged with any charges. So here I go. On Thursday night the Department of Children and Families came and visited me and my children at my home. They came to inform me that I've been accused of some serious miss conduct and allegations. I was in shock that these proceedings were happening. Stalking, physical and emotional abuse, spousal rape for only 1 whole month out a 10 year relationship, threatening her life and possibly a threat of molestation to my daughters. As I sit on my bed staring at this DCF investigator I went into a numb like state to protect myself. I start hearing all the advice from all the people in my life tell me that I should have made a preemptive strike against her. I should of reported her for harassment. I should of made a more official mess of her abandonment. I say this because these accusations can only come from one person. The one person that supposedly for better or worse till death do us part was supposed to be on my side.

How things can change and people can change at the drop of a dime. As I sit here writing about what's going on in my life I can't help but overhear my mom talk to someone on the phone. She speaking about someone who just died about 3 hours ago she was only 17 and was hit by drunk driver. My theory is proven. If you think you have it bad it is always someone else who has it far worse. I can imagine dealing with death because it's so final at least I have the ability to continue to fight my battles. I go back to the events of Thursday night September 12 . after taking my statement they asked me if they can speak to the children separately. I walk the hallways pacing like a caged animal while my mind runs in a million directions at the same time. I should have seen this coming. I should have known the nature of the beast. I do know the nature of the beast and because I do i I would have to become a beast myself. As I watched the system that was made to protect real victims be manipulated and butchered by injustice, my stomach curls and my heart sinks. They make their rounds with the kids. They proceed to search the house for drugs and weapons. They find nothing cause there's nothing to find. By the end of it the DCF investigator offered me her services. I recommend that the children get counseling, especially my son. I feel a little at ease with her offer. They walk out my house and the intensity drops. The pressure from the trauma still remains. I eventually go to bed. 

I got up like I do every morning at 6:30 a.m. and took them to the bus stop. Like every morning they got out, gave me a kiss and told them I'll see them in the afternoon. On this afternoon there would be no pick up. At 2:30 p.m. I get a knock at my door. I get up without panic without a second thought unlock the bolt and turn the knob. A Sheriff's deputy emerges with a packet of papers and continues to inform me a temporary injunction or a restraining order has been made against me. My initial thoughts were what is she up to now. The deputy then goes into more detail saying that I'm to stay away from my wife and my children. The same accusations from DCF were stated on the injunction. The air became stale and my vision shook with fear. My legs felt like they were incased in cement. I said my kids live with me! They will be home within the hour! The deputy seem perplexed with my response. The deputy got on the horn with my old lady advising her that she was responsible for the children now. As the weight of this inked blasphemy was place in my hands by the deputy, reality turned my world upside down. I'm left alone. I thought her leaving me was bad. The absence of unconditional love is the biggest punishment anyone can inflict on someone. I've been in limbo ever since. Day after day of anxiety and silence. The imprisonment of one's emotional stability and source of inspiration is very debilitating. My kids help provide so much of that. I feel as if my will is starving. Oh yeah a few days later got served with divorce papers to be continued...

"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it."
- Jean Paul

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 67-He texted, She texted..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

As I stated on my last post I'm going to transcribe one our latest conversation. Since my birthday I have fallen into a rut of sorts when it comes to her. These almost daily interactions make it difficult to stay on track. I also find that writing it down helps me detoxify myself from the situation. 

Me:
Real quick we need to work out some child support arrangement now that your working cause I been doing this all alone for way to long. You say you have changed so I would imagine there would be no issues in you supporting your kids needs. 
 Old lady:
First of all your mom has been taking care of all of you. Second I told you we have to go through the courts. Third you are not letting me see any of the kids, not even my son. They have not been allowed to call me everyday like we agreed and you are doing things behind my back I do not appreciate.
Me:
Behind your back? What do you know about what goes on here, your clueless. Your responsible regardless  is what you do not understand and the fact that you do not see that says it all. If I go through the courts it will be much, much worse on you. To clarify your lack of transportation is your quote unquote excuse not to see them. I have not said no to you for that so that's on you. None of this foolishness is on me cause I been here the whole time regardless of what so called issues are going on. That's what an adult and parent does you should try it.
Old lady:
I tried working. But because my leg is so bad I couldn't. Like I told you I would come home every night crying and could not stand at all or put any pressure on it.
Me:
You don't want to help out why should I?
Old lady:
Talking to the kids is not you helping me out. Richie you've been told you can't legally keep them from me. So can I please talk to the kids?
Me:
What is helping you? Doing your job as well by being a single parent. You get to do whatever cause you don't deal with the kids on a daily basis. You don't want to help out why should I.
Old lady:
I beg you to let me parent my children. You won't let me even let me talk to them. So get your story straight. I've tried to get you to give him to me. His child support is to put a roof over his head and I am putting his child support towards his roof. I'm not arguing with you. We are adults and we should be able to discuss this. So that's what I'm doing.
Me:
He has been here for you to pick up this whole time. What about the roof I have provided?  Guess that's free huh. Who is stopping you from being thier mother!  No one! Get your story straight!
Old lady:
It is free to a child and you didn't say anything. You and your mom told me that before.
Me:
Its your job to support them and you don't plain and simple. Your the worst excuse of a parent I have ever seen.
Old lady:
Your stopping me. So since you won't let me talk to them this discussion is over.
Me:
Your a joke! You always will be, no one will ever see you as doing the right thing. Your not capable of it, end of sentence, end of everything. You want him he is here. No one is stopping you. You just can't deal with the fact that you have screwed him up so bad that you wouldn't be able to handle him. I told you this being civil wouldn't last. You're impossible to deal with no one can deal with you. You make them so fucking miserable. what you don't understand is that what you have done it said is what has caused this storm ends in this for boy's life. You are the cause of suffering like always. He is suffering a lot from what you have done.
Old lady:
Well he might be suffering a little less if you would allow me to speak or see my son!
Me:
That's not going to solve anything. Your two months too late! Your just not bright when it comes to all of this. Its pointless talking to someone with no soul!
Old lady:
Okay well what time can I come get them so I can speak to them and apologize face to face?
Me:
For being a mother as you say you are clueless to what they need or feelings. Its just a shame. The crazy thing is I do care about you but I just don't know what to say about this situation no more. It breaks my heart how our son is suffering quietly like me and blows up like you.
Old lady: 
It's a shame you are keeping them from me, si shame on you!
Me:
There will never be enough shame to cover what you have done and that's a horrible thing. You are not doing right by nobody espically yourself and until you see that things won't ever improve. I'm saying this cause I care, if you see it or not I do. Since I know you so welli know you won't see where I'm coming from. You can't force someone to love or forgive you. I know this is hard

"Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them."
- Edward R. Murrow

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 66-Crayons and love...

Images not lift my should like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Surely your gladness need not be the less for the thought that you will one day see a brighter dawn than this - when lovelier sights will meet your eyes than any waving trees or ripplin for aaters - when angel-hands shall undraw your together no more but it would of been nice to be in her thoughts on a day as such .stains, and sweeter tones than ever loving Mother breathed shall wake you to a new and glorious day - and when all the sadness, and the sin, that darkened life on this little earth, shall be forgotten like the dreams of a night that is past!"
- Lewis Carroll

Its September fifth and I have slacked on my writing big time. I have been in rut of sorts lately and just have not have had the juice to finish anything really. I go through these waves. I just erased all of my writing from today and I am so pissed. I am trying to write on this laptop and I hit some damn button and it erased like a page and a half. So I am trying to remember some of the crap I wrote down but I am struggling. I had some birthday shit on here but it was kind of lame and maybe its for the best that it got deleted. Yeah my birthday was on the 30th of last month and I am now 35 years young supposedly. I feel like I have wasted much of my life on a personal level. Having my kids was definitely a triumph and I would never regret it. Maybe breeding with their mother I would regret cause my kids deserve an amazing mother and she a seasonal mom at best. That just doesn't cut it. My b day was a bummer for the most part. My kids made these birthday cards that caught me off guard. I guess I am going into daddy mode for a second I usually dont do it.

How can these insightful images not lift my spirit. I received my birthday wishes from the usual suspects. Its always nice to have a fan base of sorts that you can count on. I also got my cheesy lame off key happy birthday song from the kids. Those moments are priceless. What dominated most of the day was her. I was hoping for a call or text from her. I know we are not together anymore but I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of sorts. It makes me wanna vomit at times that I'm programmed like this still. Its going on four months and I still have moments like this. I still have visions and dreams thst this was all a dream and I will soon wake up from this ongoing nightmare. Is it love or is it routine?  These events brew a vast pallet of emotions. Anger, sadness, numbness, hope, defeat and insanity. If I was to focus on one I would say anger tops the bill. Anger for sure as the laundry list of crap runs laps around my brain and now my heart. Whatever thread of humanity I saw in her is gone. I was going to talk about my b day more but I'm going with the latest saga. Me and her have been  fighting over the kids. I feel she a bad influence and un supportive. She funny enough doesn't agree, go figure. It seems there can never be peace between us. Like the Jews and Palestine. Dispute such challenges I have hope. I have air in my lungs. Vision in my eyes. Blood in my body. Arms and legs to move about. Clean clothes on my back. A few dollars in my pocket. The freedom to express my thoughts and life as I see fit. Dry clean bed if it rains. My children safe and feed. Food in my stomach and in the fridge. Love in my heart. Love from my friends and family. And the perspective to understand that these collection of little things will generate an amazing life for me. That I will succeed, I will rebound, I will weather whatever life brings my way. On my next post I will transcribe our latest disagreement,  until then to be continued...

"Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress."

- Alfred A. Montapert

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight