page 68-And so go on the Days of our Lives..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I know my posts have declined immensely. Its not because I do not have anything to say. On the contrary so much is going on I want to run away from it and not think. Its not very productive or smart to harbor all of this. Lately I have just wanted to escape. Old habits are hard to repress. I am a living, breathing work in progress. Sometimes the version of me that shows up for the day is better than others. I was writing about other aspects of  my life prior to these current events that I will be talking about today. I hope to get back on those topics soon.  I hope to see the light again soon.

As I sit here waiting for my therapy session at 5 p.m. I ponder what has happened to me in the last week. I have been advised not to speak about what has happened due to legal recourse . It's too much of a thing not to say anything. From what I understood this is public record anyways. I have nothing or no one to hide from. The truth will set these temporary chains free. I haven't been charged with any charges. So here I go. On Thursday night the Department of Children and Families came and visited me and my children at my home. They came to inform me that I've been accused of some serious miss conduct and allegations. I was in shock that these proceedings were happening. Stalking, physical and emotional abuse, spousal rape for only 1 whole month out a 10 year relationship, threatening her life and possibly a threat of molestation to my daughters. As I sit on my bed staring at this DCF investigator I went into a numb like state to protect myself. I start hearing all the advice from all the people in my life tell me that I should have made a preemptive strike against her. I should of reported her for harassment. I should of made a more official mess of her abandonment. I say this because these accusations can only come from one person. The one person that supposedly for better or worse till death do us part was supposed to be on my side.

How things can change and people can change at the drop of a dime. As I sit here writing about what's going on in my life I can't help but overhear my mom talk to someone on the phone. She speaking about someone who just died about 3 hours ago she was only 17 and was hit by drunk driver. My theory is proven. If you think you have it bad it is always someone else who has it far worse. I can imagine dealing with death because it's so final at least I have the ability to continue to fight my battles. I go back to the events of Thursday night September 12 . after taking my statement they asked me if they can speak to the children separately. I walk the hallways pacing like a caged animal while my mind runs in a million directions at the same time. I should have seen this coming. I should have known the nature of the beast. I do know the nature of the beast and because I do i I would have to become a beast myself. As I watched the system that was made to protect real victims be manipulated and butchered by injustice, my stomach curls and my heart sinks. They make their rounds with the kids. They proceed to search the house for drugs and weapons. They find nothing cause there's nothing to find. By the end of it the DCF investigator offered me her services. I recommend that the children get counseling, especially my son. I feel a little at ease with her offer. They walk out my house and the intensity drops. The pressure from the trauma still remains. I eventually go to bed. 

I got up like I do every morning at 6:30 a.m. and took them to the bus stop. Like every morning they got out, gave me a kiss and told them I'll see them in the afternoon. On this afternoon there would be no pick up. At 2:30 p.m. I get a knock at my door. I get up without panic without a second thought unlock the bolt and turn the knob. A Sheriff's deputy emerges with a packet of papers and continues to inform me a temporary injunction or a restraining order has been made against me. My initial thoughts were what is she up to now. The deputy then goes into more detail saying that I'm to stay away from my wife and my children. The same accusations from DCF were stated on the injunction. The air became stale and my vision shook with fear. My legs felt like they were incased in cement. I said my kids live with me! They will be home within the hour! The deputy seem perplexed with my response. The deputy got on the horn with my old lady advising her that she was responsible for the children now. As the weight of this inked blasphemy was place in my hands by the deputy, reality turned my world upside down. I'm left alone. I thought her leaving me was bad. The absence of unconditional love is the biggest punishment anyone can inflict on someone. I've been in limbo ever since. Day after day of anxiety and silence. The imprisonment of one's emotional stability and source of inspiration is very debilitating. My kids help provide so much of that. I feel as if my will is starving. Oh yeah a few days later got served with divorce papers to be continued...

"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it."
- Jean Paul

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight