page 15-I'm all pieces, I need some glue

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I would like to start off by saying I actually took a walk today a couple of times. To many of you this is a common everyday process but for me it was quite an accomplishment today. By the way have I mentioned that I really hate mosquitoes. I swear they're worse than vampires. I was freaking walking and it landed on my forehead going to town on me. How can I not know this bug is sucking my brain juice out of my head. Now I'm obsessively picking at this bite still in awe of this stupid little parasite. My life has become a series incredible small steps. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, trying to have a sleeping schedule, taking my medication. These basic functions in my life have been demonized in my head to become outrageous tasks to fulfill. There is no spoon, there is no spoon. Some I say this is some sort of spiritual healing, journey, whatever. I think of it as more of me digressing back to almost an infant type of stage. I was going to write some more stuff, but I got interrupted by some nonsense that I don't remember anymore. 

My old lady tried to get in touch with me today it flustered me there for a bit but I'm recovering a lot quicker from these um interruptions. It can't be a good thing when someone calls you and you feel ill immediately.  I understand that she wants to talk to her children, but I believe that she forfeited that right when she walked out on them. Honestly what kind of parenting can you possibly do over the phone. Asking what there day is like and what they had for lunch can not replace a kiss or hug from mom. I mean for Christ sake I heard my daughter praying last night and it broke my heart. She was praying for her mommy to come home and for the cops not to come and take her away. I was blown away by this. A little back story on this. The cops have come by because I haven't pretty much spoken to her since she left about 5 weeks ago. I guess a parent can request the police to do a well being check on the kids. What she's telling them is beyond me. They are feed, clothed, and take showers daily.  They ride their bikes, watch t.v. and go to church 3 times a week. There good. Do they miss her I'm sure its mom. Do they ask about her sadly not really at all. Whatever me and her have between us is between us. But it honestly kills me that her relationship with the kids is so detached. I could never imagine at their age none the less, 11, 7, and 7 by the way, is the way it is. She has a tendency to threaten things and the cops are one of her many weapons. There's so much more details to this ongoing saga. Unfortunately my brain is at capacity of what I can talk about right now. All I know is angers  me very much so that this is happening. I started writing some things down. By the end of it. This is what spewed out, take it for what it is...

Pieces of you spread among
The dying
The living
The fruit of spring

Pieces of you hang from the sky
Surveying victims, spreading disease

Pieces of you create cancer
So new parasites can host and breed

Pieces of you cut off fingers
Stretch out anguish
Bleed out innocence
For all to see

Pieces of you light up the darkness
Mark your territory
To plan out deceit

Pieces of you cut like razors
That dig trenches
For scars to seek

Pieces of you penetrate my defenses
Destroying my dignity
Washing out any peace

Pieces of you haunt my eyelids
Taunt my existence
Blur my hopes and dreams

Pieces of you bring me happiness
Short lived by cancer
All gone in weeks

Pieces of you dwell in me
That mask good feelings
That fail me daily
That cement my irrational thinking

Pieces of you live in shadows
Waiting for sunlight
Festering in the misery of others

Pieces of you I will love forever
Will bring smiles with pleasure
That will fade with the test of time
You were once my cherished treasure

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 14-Does love endure all things?

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“Love suffers long and it is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believe all things, hopes all things, endure all things. Love never fails. And remains these 3 things: hope faith, and love. Love is the greatest of all these things..”

-The office-

I would like to start off by it made me cry. This TV show made me cry. It's 3:40 in the morning and my is mind racing as if its a horse in a race. I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I don't know how many more times I can screw it back on, cause I'm warping the threads. I just went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said my god how did I get his old? How did I get this sad? How did I fail? How did I succeed? How can I even wake up tomorrow and look myself in the same mirror and say I'm proud of you.You're worth something. You're not a failure, you're not an idiot ,you're not a heart broken fool. You're not someone's door mat. You are worth something. I don't know if I could ever do that. I don't know if I ever want to do that. I need help! I need something other than this miserable existence, this vacant feeling in my life ,this problem which is me. Everyone loves me but me. Why is that such a problem? My kids love me, my family loves me. My friends love me but me. The one writing right now, the one speaking right now, the one reading right now. I have to lay in bed with me, I have to take care of me, I have to feed and wash me. I keep walking through these halls in my mind hearing the echoes of empty promises. Forgotten feelings, horrible memories, delusions of happiness. I keep replaying her words I keep embellishing her love why? Am I so defective and damage beyond repair? What hole am I trying to fill? Why is it that in 34 years I haven't been able to make a dent to cover this hole? If I was to find the answers tomorrow will I be able to use them? They say it's lonely at the top, but its unbearable at the bottom. I need a break from this. I'm sure I'll have more to say later, so goodbye for now I'll be back.

It always rains the hardest on people who deserve the sun.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 13-Erase all that is in my eyes

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Speaking, thinking, processing and recycle. Follow these directions, repeat , rinse and repeat.  A day in the life of me. Kind of. Of course it would be impossible to shove all ya in my head.  The visual along is very disturbing. Today like many days in my long unstable existence. Once again I'm having difficulties finishing this new project of mine. I started out last night writing and literally in mid sentence I got this overwhelming urge to collapse and I did. My body is giving out on me it's shutting down. My mind us in overdrive constantly and I'm paralyzed with fear and numbness. To the naked eye I know what picture this paints. I'm lazy,  no drive, no motivation,. I'm struggling to brush my teeth on a daily basis. 
Is this what my battle song has become. The basic human essentials,  cleanliness,  eating, sleeping. What kind of life is this? Or lack of. This cloud of utter sadness and just plain bad juju has been hovering. Once again the ability to stay awake has conquer me. Then I had a dream about my old lady to boot. She came back into my life and the feeling in the dream was dread and joy. I haven't had such a vivid dream like that in a long time.

Erase:
1 a : to rub or scrape out (as written, painted, or engraved letters) <erase an error> 
b : to remove written or drawn marks from <erase a blackboard> 
c : to remove (recorded matter) from a magnetic medium; also : to remove recorded matter 
2 a : to remove from existence or memory as if by erasing 
b : to nullify the effect or force of
Synonyms: abolish, black out, blot out, cancel, clean (up), efface, eradicate, annihilate, expunge, exterminate, extirpate, liquidate, obliterate, root (out), rub out, snuff (out), stamp (out), sweep (away), wipe out


 Just imagine being erased from someones life. You where penciled in there daily book of life and then your not. Memories seem to fade away like water damaged pages. Your feelings are smeared like run off ink, leaving a disaster of a mess and undecipherable feelings.  How does one rewrite there future when it was all laid out in front of you?  How can the person you pledged your heart to erase you like a bad line in a song. How can one move on to a new canvas and paint another picture?  I tell you how or should I say I've been told how. Just do it. Like the commercials,  just do it cause you have to. Just like in a war there will be casualties. There will be victories. There will defeat. There will many to take place of the fallen. It's a necessary evil of life. To gain and lose. Everyone loses but not everyone wins. I wanna win for once. I want to be at the top for as long as possible before I'm erased once more from the book of life. I'm tried of being written over and being nothing but a smudge on someone's page. I want to be in the title,  I want to be in the headline.  I want to just be something to my someone.
Once again my soul purges itself through my writing and at the end of it I have this to share.

All in my eyes
Are my secrets
Buried lay my lies

All in my eyes
I battle my tendencies
The gateway to my life

All in my eyes
Cemented are my truths
Covering my weaknesses
Living to die

All in my eyes
Hide behind sunglasses
Giving rest to my mind

All in my eyes
The seasons change
Momentum carry
This plight of mine

All in my eyes
Days accumulate
Nights punish me
Time passes me by

All in my eyes
My feeling suffer
My heart incinerates
My vision goes awry

All in my eyes
Judged by peers
Sentenced by emotions
Executed time after time

All in my eyes
Shades of brown witness miracles
Shutter by evil
Shape this tale of mine

All in your eyes
I am weakness
I am invincible
I'm far from being fine

Giving up doesn't always mean your weak, sometimes it means your strong enough to let go. To be continued...
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 12-We all come from the water

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Its almost 5 a.m. and I've been up for 2 hours and I don't look forward to anything that tje day has to bring. In about 30 minutes I'll be waking up the kids to go to the beach today. The only thing keeping me sane is this funny little show The Office. I would think that the enjoyment my children would but a smile on my face, but at the moment its mind numbing television.  Don't get me wrong there lively attitude will rub off and they are the center piece of my life. Its a bittersweet type of day for many reasons. One my old lady wont be around to to create or enjoy this memory. Today is reserved for the men and woman who gave the biggest gift possible on this planet, their right to create and enjoy their own memories. 
We set out to our destination traveling just like the many before us to paradise. The fulfillment in there little hearts spills over infecting like a virus,  slowly working through my body. Our dry virgin feet hit the unforgiving sand as it swallows us even more with every step we take towards our reward.  The birthplace of life, the ocean. Also the gateway to the other side for so many. I can't help but reminded of that day. D day and how many souls never got to experience another sunset ,another laugh, another cheeseburger, another look into there love one's eyes. No one thinks of these thoughts on a daily basis cause we can't. We can't cause life goes on, life regenerates, life procreates , life goes on. We are constantly evolving and digressing. That's why we must live in the present. God listen to me I should take my own advice. To bad that's impossible cause that would make sense.
Another topic I want to touch base briefly is my feelings about my old lady. I'm very torn about them.  Its a long story to tell, but a story I will tell eventually. I think about her everyday. Some good plenty of bad. She has influenced my life for the past decade.  So to detach my brain from this mode seems like an impossible task at the moment or anytime soon. I would go into more detail but my mind is racing so quickly constantly that it is difficult to take it. So instead I jotted this down :

To laugh
To feast
To appear hallow
I'm entertaining you all

To sleep
To hide
To wallow
Protect my eternal soul 

To think 
To feel
To hope
Creating a fool's dream

To bleed 
To give
To swallow
Living a lover's dream

To seek 
To plead
To drown
Is life's session its real sorrow

To mend
To heal
To forgive
Are settings for life's trouble waters

I just want to add that I love and care for my friends and family very much so, even the one's that have wronged me. I will take advantage of my ability to speak, breathe,  and think my thoughts and feelings. In respect to those that have sacrifice there ability to do so.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 11-Disappointing is a talent

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it

I was going to have some thoughts and maybe some clever thoughts but its really gotten to a point where its utter shit. I can't focus,  I can't accomplish the slightest task on a daily basis.  I'm losing any enjoyment I had. Writing is becoming tedious,  breathing is becoming labored, eating has become appalling and my sentence structure has disintegrated to the point becoming juvenile. I don't know how far I can proceed like this. I've stopped my walking routine this last week. I haven't taken my meds in 2 days for no good reason.  The job interview didn't even happen yesterday cause of some miscommunication. For the first time I didn't finish this stupid blog last night. My poor beautiful children came in last night after church, which I dipped out on again, hugged and kissed me. I felt nothing for the first time in a long time. What on gods green earth is fucking going on? I'm losing touch, I'm shutting down. I'm laying down with no will to get up. How did I get here? My dreams where untouched a month ago and now I'm struggling to keep my head above water. Can I, do I raise the white flag? The springs in this crappy bed dig into my being like a knife into a piece of meat. I don't resist it. I don't do anything about it. I don't get my fat ass out this tomb and get working to get a better bed, a better life, a better wife, a better fucking anything.  I sit here springs and all I just take it like a pathetic victim. Story I'm tried of telling.  I'm the victim, look at me syndrome. Where has that gotten me in life? I'll tell you where, not a godamn place. Its not God's fault,  it's not my parents fault, it's not my wife or kid's fault,  its mine. Mine mine mine mine. I declare it I own it I trademark it as well. Where does all this leave me. Here on another Sunday morning with no more tears to shed, no more self loathing to wallow in, no more hope to cling on to. I hope to have better things to report, but I'm painfully being honest. I don't enjoy being negative.  I would write and express my happiness if it flowed through my veins,  but it doesn't. Maybe its just a bad day. A bad day.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 10-Rumination

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Rumination (psychology)

Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states

Here we are once again focusing on the better aspects of life. I can't help it people I am who I am. I'm really not always in this dark deep life blows kind if mood all the time. But for the time being I'm in this god awful rotation.  I hope it has a purpose to serve if not I'm killing valuable oxygen and life. My sleeping is still erratic.  3:43 a.m. was my first shift. Up at 6:30 a.m. to the sound of my god awful alarm.  Time to get the munchkins up to ship them off to school. 12:13 p.m. went into a coma mid video game session.  Had the headset strap to my head waking up at 3:00 p.m. thinking it was 6: 30 a.m. to get the girls from the bus stop. When I stepped outside to get in my car,  the sun was so blinding to my dark induced eyes that I ran into my car trying to open the door. Then driving in a dream like state on the way there and back. Trying to focus on getting home and not drool on myself, while trying to pay attention to the details of there day at school. There soft little voices put me in more of a trance as they spew school lunch menus and what's for snack ideas. I finally get home in the safety of my cave, dark, cold and  escape.  I lay down trying to go asleep when I get bombard the children of the corn. I go into oblivion mode where I feel like I'm having an out of body experience.  Somehow I look up and its 5:03 p.m. and I got a chicken sandwich in my gullet as I'm being guilted by mother to go to church. The children of the corn are performing tonight at church. As a parent I should be there to support my babies, but this crippling rumination has it's grip on me . It seems like the harder I try the more its squeezes , death hold. Also I'm very embarrass cause the last time I went was with my old lady and it's bad enough that I failed in my eyes, I just can't bear the possibility of being asked or any attention thrown my way. I can't deal right now. I'm weak, a pussy, think what you want. I know my strengths , I hide behind my weakness. I keep checking the clock as if I was a death row inmate and when the clock strikes 5:15 p.m. I dart to the bathroom pretending to go so I don't have to face the firing squad  of sad faces and guilt staring down the barrel at me. 
I was going to go into more details about other stuff but something just popped up. My old lady just texted my tablet, throwing my emotions into red level alert. I haven't really gone into our situation on here but for those that know me you guys have an idea of what is going on.
Like yesterday I'm going to just transcribe our brief conversation

Old lady: Can u please call me. Asap
Old lady: I'll give you a number to call or I'll call your mom's number. In need to talk to you
Me: Come and see them and spend some real quality time phone call dont cut it they don't need a phone in mom
Old lady: I want to talk to the kids
Me: Not my problem
Me: They don't verbalize you if they did I would make it happen but the sad fact is they don't so I'm not going to allow there little world to 
Me: Be disturb by whatever delusions you have conceived in your mind, cause I'm sure everything is going according to plan for you...
Me: Its my job to protect them from harm and if its there egg donor then so be it, its obvious your not making any great decision lately
Me:If in fact this is even you or if your even allowed to speak completely freely by your warden
Me: We are use to the ups and downs and for our beautiful kids to be put through that kind process is just fucked up
Me:Enough is enough old lady of mine, serious enough is enough let our babies heal through this horrible time in there life
Me: You can curse, and threaten police or whatever you think you got on us but at the end of it its about those 3 minds and hearts nothing else
Me: There fine there being kids no one is bad mouthing you cause there is no need to he negative to our babies
Me:You'll speak and hopefully see them again under good situations hopefully but let them be for them for them thats all I have to say goodnight

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

pages 8 & 9- A few words for the dearly departed

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

No one gets tried of loving. But everyone gets tried of waiting, assuming,hearing lies, saying sorry and hurting.

Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had.
Some people need to be hit hard with reality, get there ass kicked by karma, and get a big dose of grow the fuck up.
Ever child deserves a parent, not ever parent deserves a child.
I don't know about you but I've thought about running away more now as an adult than when i was a kid.
Find arms that will hold you at your weakest time, eyes that see beauty at your ugliest,  and a heart that will love you at your worst.
I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

These are just random thoughts and ideas that run rampant in my mind on a hourly basis.  Usually while I try to ferociously figure out my life, fail, and reset the whole damn process.  Hence my position and mind frame in life. As I was texting my friend today she mention that she has given up on life, joking if course, and become the cat lady. This reminds me of dearly departed feline friend Pixel.  Pixel was a rescue cat that my old lady got from the pound one day about 5 years ago. At this point in my life I was completely a dog person.  Dogs are personable, love you unconditionally, and serve a purpose.  Cats are picky, full of themselves, to good to use water for bathing and my favorite they shitting in a box. Leaving a wonderful mixture of clay and fecal matter. After some guilt trips and how we can save a life that day , I gave in like the french during WW2. The impact this stupid tabby cat made on my life took me for a ride. First of all she only loved me which made me feel kinda special.  She would respond to my high pitched voice as I lovingly called,"where is my pixielated kitty", god I'm actually tearing up a bit damn. Sometimes when we resurrect memories one forgets all the work put in into burying them. What I loved the most about that cat besides being it go to person was the licking. Before your mind starts to wonder into creepyville, let me explain. I forget how I found this out but she use to love to lick my scalp. So at my most stressful times I would seduce my pixelated kitty with the ache in my voice. She would quickly come to her daddy and i would lay completely flat on the bed and she went to work. About 20 minutes later and a pool of drool to boot from me, i would feel so relaxed and loved. All these mushy feelings from that stupid cat of mine.So through some crazy events and life drama I had to have my sister watch my Pixel for me. Not knowing of course this would seal her fate. So one morning like every weekday my sister  was taking my nephews to school when she noticed, a orange smudge on her back rear mirror. To her horror it was Pixel tumbling like a basketball down US 27. Apparently she climb into the hood of the car during the nite to keep warm. She must of panic when the engine cranked over and hide somewhere, somehow in the engine compartment for a good 5 minutes. The heat must of gotten to an unbearable point, where she darted out of the engine leaping onto the burning pavement. My sister in a panic pulls over only to see poor Pixel dart into on coming traffic to meet her fate. Even my cat had a dramatic death. I never did find her body.  So every time I drive that stretch of highway I hope to catch a smudge of orange dart by the road. To my dissatisfaction I just see burning pavement roll off my eyes. That was a moment in the catalog of experiences I've got to tell like last night.
Last night was hard, emotional,  and plain just blew donkey dick. Once again she woke from her dormant place in my mind and made her presence known. This is the conversation that transpire with one of my good friends.

Friend:
 I do more than care hon!! I care more than you even know!!
Me:
 I don't think I've been ever told that not even by my old lady 
Friend:
 I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
Friend:
 You're amazing!! I adore you
Me:
I will never see myself the way others view me
Friend:
 True!! But you are awesome!!
Me:
 Its so strange seeing her name cause I always called her babe 
It seems so detached and sad, cold like trash
Friend:
Its not...you love her
Me:
 I feel a panic attack just from writing her name how gay is that
Me:
 I need to be locked up
Me:
 I feel so traumatized by what's happened
Friend:
 I pray you know I'm in your corner!! And I will be here until you don't want me
Me:
Why wouldn't I want you I don't dispose people like that especially special people like you who have done nothing but be positive in my life
Friend:
 I am so lucky to have you!! You are my best friend!! I adore you
Me:
 I feel like a burden most of the time
Friend:
 Your not!! I promise!!! And if you are, your a burden I happily carry!!
Friend:
 You mean so very much to me
Me:
 I see with my own 2 eyes what you write and I know you mean it but it doesn't register 
Friend:
 Awe Sweetie, you have been repressed in love so much, im so sorry!!! I promise one day..... You WILL find a woman that will show you love and honor those words!! And she will be your everything
Me:
I feel like I should be put down cause I'm to far gone I am hopeless I don't see the point I know my kids need me put that doesn't seem to matter that's horrifying to admit but I feel I would do more damage than good
Friend:
 No, it will just take time..... Even the deepest cuts heal..... Sometimes we have to have medical attention to those cuts so we don't bleed out... But I can be your stitches!! I WILL help hold you together!!
Me:
 How when even I don't know how
Me:
Is it wrong that she stills walks the halls of my heart
Friend:
 No, she will always be a ghost that lingers there!! 
Me:
 Ghosts haunt and torment
Friend:
 No demons haunt.and torment... Ghosts linger in open spaces as a memory in our heat
Me:
Limbo I'm in limbo searching 
Friend:
 And there are others just like you!!! You can and will over come this empty feeling!!! And I will be there for you the day the clouds lift and you can smile again
Me:
 I can't believe this is happening its hitting me now I always told her that she was going to hold my hand as I passed on that she would be the last thing I would see
Me:
 I'm not a bad person why did she do this to me
Friend:She didn't think.....
Me:
 All I wanted is to be loved 
Me:
I gave her everything of myself my secrets my fears my thoughts my heart my blood if I could
Friend: You did give her your blood!! Twice
Me:
 God brings people into our lives what was the purpose of this wtf
Friend:
 God wants you to learn something
Me:
  As if I needed more suffering in my life
Friend:
 I can't tell you what... Everyone test is different

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 7-Sunshine stalks the day

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Once again it 1:51 a.m. and I'm as wide awake as a coked up baby. I wonder into the future trying to capture some progress and bring some back with me. Is it Wednesday or Tuesday. I can't tell no more. This bunker of a tomb I have encased myself in barely lets the light in as darkness is much easier to accept.  No shadows,  no heat, just the silent and chill emptiness that covers and protects me from the thorns of life. Kisses are short lived and always sold out. Love changes like the weather despite our best abilities to predict it. Forgiveness is as rare and precious as gold. We all think we harbor such riches, but we are broke and spiteful. My heart is battle tested and yet it fails me constantly leading me awry. My mind is always right and logical but weak like a moth to a flame. This hurricane we call life is beautiful in pictures, but dangerous in real life. So many episodes to be played out in this constant human drama we play in. Our roles ever changing. Son, daughter,  sister, brother. Friend, lover, boyfriend, fiancee, father, mother. Divorcee, widow, single grandmother, grandpa, cousin, uncle , aunt, stepson, stepfather. We have all been given a scrpit to give us guidelines on our methods. We all forget our places, we all mess up our lines. There are no retakes, no one can edit our mistakes and no one can cut together our best times. I speak from my heart I write threw my mind. I hurt from the inside, I love through blind eyes. I ignore all the speeches, I forget all the advice. I'm as dumb as a rock with my feelings. Quick like whip with the words I fuse together and make rhyme. My eyes burn from all these reflections I conjure, these stories I write. I engorge my sadness with sweetness that accumulate on my stomach,  my chest, my thighs. I kill my brain cells with reality shows, video games and bottles of beer that buzz my free time. I take 2 steps forward only twist my ankle sitting out on progress, change and possibly good times.
My brothers in life give me praise and good spirits to heal my ankle to improve my stride.
My past has definitely left its impression on my daily struggle,  my losing fight. I lay my soul to sleep to awake to the voices of my legacy, awaiting there chief. 6:30 a.m. the siren of duty calls. I'm awaken from the only peaceful place I know unfortunately. A place where no phone, no game, no voice can infiltrate me, my nook, my sleep.  Clueless to my struggle, busy with there own, my offspring gather thier tools for a another day of wisdom. I send them out into the world to live, to feel, to pass the time. I come back to my bunker,  to starve this soul of mine. Into my happiness I drift, I wallow, I close my eyes.
I awake again from my peaceful place and its 1:51 p.m. this cycle is retarded. The stalemate I feel is so strong it almost feels like its romancing me.

Just feasted on the wonderful dinner my dear mother made for us. I don't say this enough but I would be lost and homeless without my crazy mother.  That is the highest compliment I can offer. I mean all mothers are a little crazy that's what makes them our moms. Dad's are the boogeyman that keep us honest and in line. I'm feeling really blah today and not very inspired to write much about nothing.  I know this is a basic log of my thoughts and feelings, but I feel I should have some insight or be entertaining. I looked through some of the stuff I've written in the last few weeks. Here is one of those pieces. 

When the sunshine stalks the day
Darkness sleeps away

My eyes shutter to the storm
Lighting crashes in waves

My arms soak in the rain
Memories push in the strain

Causing swelling, raising pain
Blocking sunlight from my veins

My pale exposed heart elevates
Through dense pitfalls and mistakes

My legs carry her dead weight
Dragging me down to my restless place

When the sunshine breaks the rain
Happiness gets washed away

Only in a song
Will this demonstrate
One life, one moment, fades away

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 6-Riddles and poems to distract

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Its 3:50 in the morning and I should of been asleep like 4 hours ago at least. I lay here in my stench that life affords me on a daily basis. Everything in life rots, if not constantly maintained.

The beauty life gives us comes with such filth if ignored.  Makes sense I guess, not everything can be sunshine and flowers.  While people's lives are put through the most extreme situations as I write my stupid blog, I question my purpose. I question the chain of events that brought me to this place and time in this massive universe. What's so special about me, my kids, my family, my thoughts, etc you get my point.  Is it the ability of my feeble mind that really matters? No one can look threw your eyes, cry your tears, flinch and grasp when you feel pain. We are pitched on a daily basis this romanticized vision of life. As if we all get our very own version of "This is your life", instead so many of us fall into this coma of repetition. By the time we get a few minutes of clarity, its 5 years later. Then the fear of change, the fear of risk, and my favorite the risk of failing silence any voice we mustard the courage to even think. A few more moments like that through out your life and you look around and your on your last breath and its over. Then what death, the great unknown. The one thing we are trained to be blind to with money, fame, delusion, and empty dreams. I'm not trying to bum you out or to scare you. This is my life, this is my morning, afternoon and night. This is what transpires in all of us. Some are more in tune than others. I bleed, I see, I need just like you. I need to turn the switch off so I can reset my brain. So as I lay in my stench blinding my fate by watching dancing with the stars on hulu Plus, I'm in no better shape than any of you. Its worse I think cause I know it. Fml....lol
Now that I woke up from my dysfunctional sleeping pattern,  I feel even worse. Its really gotten to a point where the drive to become anything other than a waste of space is slowly fading into oblivion.  For God's sake its 1 p.m. my mouth is dry and infected, from not brushing for 3 days. The stench of our precious gift life is slowly eating away at my body and soul. I feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhog day. Where is the eject button to this awful joke of a life. Believe it or not a video game console, Xbox, my gaming nerds, and the t.v. show the office are my painkillers for the soul at the moment. Its raining to boot.
Once again the enthusiasm of my children snap me out if it for a second only to up my anxiety cause I'm failing them as a father at the moment.  My head is numb cause of the medication I injested. It keeps things quiet for a while. I washed my body of the accumulated filth that I've been harboring like a port for the last couple of days. As I go about my business she creeps up from where ever she laid dormant. And as she creeps into my mind I spew this out

She brings me coffee
She brings me tea
She drags in sadness
So I can't sleep

She makes me nauseous
She induces my sleep
She planted doubt
In my field of dreams

She leaves me wanting
She keeps me thirsty
No one is satisfy
The game is mounting

She paints a picture
Using houses and trees
She bleeds the colors
Mixing them with deceit

She brings me coffee
She gives me cream
I swallow the sugar
Its all bittersweet

She drags in hope
She pulls it a seat
Only for the chair to crumble
Like leaves off a tree

She sings me songs
She feeds me treats
Sugar and words dissolve
Pain and misery stay for keeps

My time for this is endless
I seem to enjoy this jazz
Riddles and poems to distract
This fool with his pen, coffee, and open gash

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.

page 5-Squirrels

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Loma Bonita dr. 

That's what caught my attention today, as I drove my girls this morning. It's where their bus stop is and the street where my sister lives. I also noticed that the squirrel population is out of control. I must of swerve like 3 times in a 3 minute span.
Then I thought to myself, what are they so damn chirpy about. What could be so damn exciting about being a squirrel. Do they know that dancing with the stars is on tonight?
Do they have credit card bills? Do they watch Netflix?  Do they change there oil every 3000 miles? Do they suffer from depression? Do their little hearts get broken by the love of their life? So I had a very busy morning, but as I continue to observer,  I noticed the brilliance to there assistance. They just kept traveling from point A to point B. Loving the ability to run freely and see where thier day takes them. I want to be a squirrel.  I want the freedom to run from one experience to the next. I want to have pep in my step. God how sad is this I wanna be a squirrel,  lol. Then the reality of the world literally hit me on the cheek, as my daughter kissed me before they headed out to school.  that kind of little things that will dart threw my mind as I take my final breaths. Sadly that was only but a small bandage on this broken heart of mine.
I then looked in my glove box to find a small notebook containing a letter to my old lady back in December. This is really personal,  I'm crazy to expose myself like this but fuck it right.

Dear old lady of mine,

I don't know how to process what has happened. Pain and heartache don't even begin to describe the feelings that run the halls of my mind.  Why you choose to leave and give me time to "cool off" I will never understand. It was never an equal partnership or a true one at that. I gave and gave and you took and took, leaving me with my hand out to feel the breeze of emptiness.  You will be my first everything.  Don't know if it was a good thing cause its to early to reflect. I know I was dead inside for the last five years easily maybe more. I don't know if it was love that kept me in the marriage or the comfort of being sad. I've been unhappy for many reasons, for a very long time. I thought having a wife and children would cure this disease. It just made it more complicated. I have always had issues but never an issues loving you to the best of my abilities. You never really treated or respected me like your husband.  Your never respected or love yourself. I'm going to say this from a very loving place, you need some serious emotional help. I don't know what that help is. I can't fix you , I can't save you. I almost lost my own life in the process.  I think of all the pain and suffering you harbor all the time. Look around and see that this is all you have left.Everyone Can't Be Against You ! You are your biggest enemy.  I will carry with me the old lady that showed me how to love. It's been painful hearing your voice and embracing others. It's going to take time but its for the best that we don't live together no more, especially cause of the kids.
No more yelling,  no more lists, no more resentment. You have to stand on your own . You have to let go of the hate cause it will kill you in the end. Don't let your past become your future.  I love you, I love you,  I love you. In the pit of my heart I will always carry the torch that bears your message.  Always leave in good terms by saying I love you cause you never know when the last time we will see each other again.    Forever, your old man.

Well after an up lifting letter like that where do we go from here. I go home and focus on my life now, today.  I'll focus on my kids smiles just for seeing their daddy. Today becomes yesterday and before you know it, tomorrow becomes.a memory to be told.

So I will leave you with a couple of my own thoughts.

They hold me

They need me

They feed me their complaints

They told me 

They scold me

They push my crazy, they level my day

Smiles of fiction

Words with drama

I learn their multiple ways

Eyes with conviction

Hands of innocence

They love me, they sustain

They know me 

They show me 

To be the universe to thier day

They rate me

They judge me

A standard I'm held to everyday

My children

My blood line

Must be civil,  must be brave

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page -Sunday morning coming down

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey.

Biscuits, skittles and camasauls. These 3 things have defined my day sadly enough. Let me explain to the best of my abilities.  I woke up on this Sunday morning to  an empty house and an empty soul. Kids where at church and I'm still searching for this person Richie. Not having much luck with that lately. I'm instantly ravenous and wanted to maul some poor animal, by throat punching it and feeding on it while its dazed.
I opted for eggs, bacon, and biscuits. I hyper focus on the biscuits cause its the same kind she cooked for me like 2 months ago. I know, I know I should be throat punched for even thinking it. Call the who gives a shit police. I've heard it all and yet my pattern remains the same. I have a flashback to that day feeling so blessed that I had someone I loved making me breakfast. I have learned to appreciate the smallest things in life cause in one moment its all gone. All gone and here I sit in this dark room, on these dirty sheets we last became one thinking about fucking biscuits.
Phase two of my day goes as follows. So I was back in the pit of despair, my room, playing some Xbox. I decided to go for a walk cause I needed to see some sunlight, so I go to look for a shirt and found a damn blue camasaul. What are the odds that today out of all days this stupid camasaul jumped out and attacked my eyes. Now the second flashback of the day. With it being Sunday I'm thrown back to the day she left. On top of that being bad enough, I relived the day my body experienced its first nervous breakdown.it was the most awful day of my life.I think its only about 1:30 at this point of the day.
Phase three is the delicious, sweet, and mouth watering skittles. Even something so good can be ruined by a bad memory. So I go to take my kids,  against my will mine you to the pool.  Don't get me wrong I love my kids but today was a bad day and I didn't want to take it out on them. On the way there it starts pouring and to my delight no pool for today. Calk me a bad dad if you want I'm being honest. So I did feel bad cause there little hearts were so deflated, so my answer to that was shower them with sugar.  So at the checkout I saw my old friend skittles. She use to feed me the green ones, and the purple ones and actually any colored ones I wanted. I guess it was another little thing I didn't take for granted. Just like the smile on my kids face when the words ice cream melted out of my mouth.
I'll leave you with theses words.

I woke up Sunday morning

With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt

And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad

So I had one more for dessert

Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes

And found my cleanest dirty shirt

Then I washed my face and combed my hair

Stumbled down the stairs to meet the day

I'd smoked my mind the night before

With cigarettes and songs that I'd been pickin'

But I lit my first and watched a small boy at a can that he'd been kicking

I crossed the empty street

Caught the Sunday smell of someone fryin' chicken

And it took me back to somethin'

That I'd lost somewhere, somehow along the way

On a Sunday morning sidewalk

I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned'

Cause there's something in a Sunday

That makes a body feel alone

And there ain't nothin' short of dyin

'Half as lonesome as the sound

Of a sleepin' city sidewalk

Sunday mornin' comin' down

In the park, I saw a daddy

With a laughin' little girl who he was swingin'

And I stopped beside a Sunday school

Listened to the songs that they were singin'

I headed down the road

Somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringin'

And it echoed through the canyons

Like a disappearing dream of yesterday

On a Sunday morning sidewalk

Oh, I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned'

Cause there's something about a Sunday

That'll make your body feel alone

And there ain't nothin' short of dyin'

Half as lonesome as the sound

Of a sleepin' city sidewalk

Sunday mornin' comin' down

JOHNNY CASH - SUNDAY MORNING COMING DOWN LYRICS 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight. 

page 3-Hung over on feelings..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Today I woke up with ink on the brain.When i woke from the darkness aka sleep with this sadness at the center of my chest. I swear I never dream and when I do it's about her.
I think to myself your an idiot.  She don't give 2 shits and here you are wasting your energy on her, again.  Its demoralizing that I feel like this on a daily basis. For instance I wake up and go to the bathroom and I'm thrown in the time machine for a second and picture her using the same toilet and how it was the 1st thing she did as well.
Difference is her pee was so damn strong my god lol.
I seem to be in a fog and have yet seen the break, that will lead me on my proper way.
I always pictured my perfect life, all pre packaged with the right set of instructions.
What is love?
love
1. [To be passionately devoted]
Syn. adore, be in love with, care for, delight in, hold dear, choose, fancy, venerate, be enchanted by, be passionately attached to, have affection for, be enamored of, dote on, glorify, exalt, idolize, prize, put on a pedestal, hold in affection, deify, be fascinated by, hold high, canonize, think the world of, treasure, prefer, yearn for, esteem, be captivated by, be enraptured by, lose one's heart to, be fond of, admire, long for, be oneself with, thrive with, flip over*, fall for*, be nuts about*, be crazy about*, go for*, have it bad*, cotton to*, see also cherish sense 1, like sense 2
Ant. hate, detest, loathe
I use to dwell my thoughts and feelings on the bigger realm of this word.
Sadly now I'm exploring the bottom end  of it and feeling comfortable with it.
I suppose if you experience both sides of the word, your better balanced.
Horseshit, that's my personal opinion. 

Speaking of love, my daughter just walked in all excited that she has raised a rubber camel. The fact that she wanted to share that with me puts me on cloud 9.
Children especially your own carry this pure untainted view of our world. Of course until we fuck it up somehow. We hold there precious minds in our hands to mold as we see fit.
It always reminds me of that biblical saying. We are created in his image.
So our are children.  We are god to them. We are the center of there universe, at least for a little while. We are there superman and there wonder woman.

They carry my eyes, they act out my habits. The similarities compound constantly. 
Throughout the years they will find blood is a formality. Love is intoxicating, pain out shines happiness. Forgiving is fleeting, acceptance is mistreated.
This will be the settings for their world.  To make there mark on the world.
I'm out of steam, I'm out of words. I'll leave you this good day with a great quote. 

If your depressed your living in the past,
If your anxious your living in the future, 
If your at peace your living in the present
Lao Tzu

Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.
Please spray the shoes before returning where you found them.
I have many steps that await me.
Goodnight. 

page 2-Trophies of disappointments

I would like to start this process by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. 

So I suggest wearing some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I'm exhausted from being exhausted. When you see it on paper it looks retarded. It makes me feel retarded, so far not such a good day. I've been reading the comments left by my friends and family. Normally I would think to feel good but I feel like throwing up. Not because its bad, but because its good and positive. 

There is something terribly wrong here. All my life I've had issues with compliments and success. I am making myself crazy when this is suppose to be a release. The fantasy in my head is always bigger and better, until reality sets in.This isn't a cry for " look at my poor existence" syndrome.  I'm fully aware that the world has far worst issues to deal with on a daily basis. I too have the who gives a shit approach.  Unfortunately positivity has not been a strong suit that I have worn throughout my life. 
I feel like I'm going off on a babble of sorts. I had notes for today trying to format this but all it did was make me anxious, so I'm not doing that no more.
I hitting a bit of a stalemate. 
I leave you guys with this little number I wrote this morning.

Feeling the dread of it

It holds my soul hostage

It paralysis my mind

I hit the pause button

Stunning my growth

Demoralizing my ability to shine

As I cover myself in promises

I cripple my progress

To stage this big show

To accept my prize

Trophies of disappointments

Statues of things that never materialized

Engraved in with my words
That sing and rhyme

Living with the dread

It keeps me company at night

It torments me when I'm sober

It mocks my passion, my drive

There is an answer to this puzzle

His name will remain empty

For his feelings and spirit are shy

He answers to many names
Some from his creator
Many from his anguish life

Idiot, stupid, hilarious, naive,  enormous
The list is quite vast
The truth stings and burns
The compliments bring unsettling peace

I hit the play button with fear
Trying to live, trying to fly
My daily journey is endless
This struggle is all mine

I've run out of steam, I've run out of words to rhyme.

Thank you for time cause its the most precious gift we carry.

Please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.

I have many steps that await me.

Goodnight. 

Page 1-In the begining...

I would like to start this process by saying I have pretty worn out shoes so I would definitely suggest wearing some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Now that we got the intro out of the way where do I start. My first thought is life is not like a box of chocolates cause my blood sugar is way to high and it melts in the heat.

I just erased a horrible analogy using a diaper and it just stink ed. No pun intended. 

I will be clever at times. I will be sad with bad grammar as well. 

I'll be as dull as clipping toe nails. 

But that is life, that is me, this is what I have to offer.

One speck in this massive universe we dwell. One thought, one voice.

I have been encouraged by people in my life to pursue this.

For they see something I can't never grasp.

Hope, talent, and the train wreck which is me.

I think and feel like any other person that ever existed. 

I dream and fail like so many before and after.

I sleep, I shit, I eat.

I love, I suffer, I heal, I pray.

We are all the same. We all just have different numbers.

I guess in the long run this might be my anthem. 

My song, my legacy. 

I never run out of wishes or dreams.

Just the focus and heart to follow them.

Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.

Please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.

I got plenty more steps that await me.

Goodnight.