I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
Rumination (psychology)
Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states
Here we are once again focusing on the better aspects of life. I can't help it people I am who I am. I'm really not always in this dark deep life blows kind if mood all the time. But for the time being I'm in this god awful rotation. I hope it has a purpose to serve if not I'm killing valuable oxygen and life. My sleeping is still erratic. 3:43 a.m. was my first shift. Up at 6:30 a.m. to the sound of my god awful alarm. Time to get the munchkins up to ship them off to school. 12:13 p.m. went into a coma mid video game session. Had the headset strap to my head waking up at 3:00 p.m. thinking it was 6: 30 a.m. to get the girls from the bus stop. When I stepped outside to get in my car, the sun was so blinding to my dark induced eyes that I ran into my car trying to open the door. Then driving in a dream like state on the way there and back. Trying to focus on getting home and not drool on myself, while trying to pay attention to the details of there day at school. There soft little voices put me in more of a trance as they spew school lunch menus and what's for snack ideas. I finally get home in the safety of my cave, dark, cold and escape. I lay down trying to go asleep when I get bombard the children of the corn. I go into oblivion mode where I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Somehow I look up and its 5:03 p.m. and I got a chicken sandwich in my gullet as I'm being guilted by mother to go to church. The children of the corn are performing tonight at church. As a parent I should be there to support my babies, but this crippling rumination has it's grip on me . It seems like the harder I try the more its squeezes , death hold. Also I'm very embarrass cause the last time I went was with my old lady and it's bad enough that I failed in my eyes, I just can't bear the possibility of being asked or any attention thrown my way. I can't deal right now. I'm weak, a pussy, think what you want. I know my strengths , I hide behind my weakness. I keep checking the clock as if I was a death row inmate and when the clock strikes 5:15 p.m. I dart to the bathroom pretending to go so I don't have to face the firing squad of sad faces and guilt staring down the barrel at me.
I was going to go into more details about other stuff but something just popped up. My old lady just texted my tablet, throwing my emotions into red level alert. I haven't really gone into our situation on here but for those that know me you guys have an idea of what is going on.
Like yesterday I'm going to just transcribe our brief conversation
Old lady: Can u please call me. Asap
Old lady: I'll give you a number to call or I'll call your mom's number. In need to talk to you
Me: Come and see them and spend some real quality time phone call dont cut it they don't need a phone in mom
Old lady: I want to talk to the kids
Me: Not my problem
Me: They don't verbalize you if they did I would make it happen but the sad fact is they don't so I'm not going to allow there little world to
Me: Be disturb by whatever delusions you have conceived in your mind, cause I'm sure everything is going according to plan for you...
Me: Its my job to protect them from harm and if its there egg donor then so be it, its obvious your not making any great decision lately
Me:If in fact this is even you or if your even allowed to speak completely freely by your warden
Me: We are use to the ups and downs and for our beautiful kids to be put through that kind process is just fucked up
Me:Enough is enough old lady of mine, serious enough is enough let our babies heal through this horrible time in there life
Me: You can curse, and threaten police or whatever you think you got on us but at the end of it its about those 3 minds and hearts nothing else
Me: There fine there being kids no one is bad mouthing you cause there is no need to he negative to our babies
Me:You'll speak and hopefully see them again under good situations hopefully but let them be for them for them thats all I have to say goodnight
I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
Rumination (psychology)
Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states
Here we are once again focusing on the better aspects of life. I can't help it people I am who I am. I'm really not always in this dark deep life blows kind if mood all the time. But for the time being I'm in this god awful rotation. I hope it has a purpose to serve if not I'm killing valuable oxygen and life. My sleeping is still erratic. 3:43 a.m. was my first shift. Up at 6:30 a.m. to the sound of my god awful alarm. Time to get the munchkins up to ship them off to school. 12:13 p.m. went into a coma mid video game session. Had the headset strap to my head waking up at 3:00 p.m. thinking it was 6: 30 a.m. to get the girls from the bus stop. When I stepped outside to get in my car, the sun was so blinding to my dark induced eyes that I ran into my car trying to open the door. Then driving in a dream like state on the way there and back. Trying to focus on getting home and not drool on myself, while trying to pay attention to the details of there day at school. There soft little voices put me in more of a trance as they spew school lunch menus and what's for snack ideas. I finally get home in the safety of my cave, dark, cold and escape. I lay down trying to go asleep when I get bombard the children of the corn. I go into oblivion mode where I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Somehow I look up and its 5:03 p.m. and I got a chicken sandwich in my gullet as I'm being guilted by mother to go to church. The children of the corn are performing tonight at church. As a parent I should be there to support my babies, but this crippling rumination has it's grip on me . It seems like the harder I try the more its squeezes , death hold. Also I'm very embarrass cause the last time I went was with my old lady and it's bad enough that I failed in my eyes, I just can't bear the possibility of being asked or any attention thrown my way. I can't deal right now. I'm weak, a pussy, think what you want. I know my strengths , I hide behind my weakness. I keep checking the clock as if I was a death row inmate and when the clock strikes 5:15 p.m. I dart to the bathroom pretending to go so I don't have to face the firing squad of sad faces and guilt staring down the barrel at me.
I was going to go into more details about other stuff but something just popped up. My old lady just texted my tablet, throwing my emotions into red level alert. I haven't really gone into our situation on here but for those that know me you guys have an idea of what is going on.
Like yesterday I'm going to just transcribe our brief conversation
Old lady: Can u please call me. Asap
Old lady: I'll give you a number to call or I'll call your mom's number. In need to talk to you
Me: Come and see them and spend some real quality time phone call dont cut it they don't need a phone in mom
Old lady: I want to talk to the kids
Me: Not my problem
Me: They don't verbalize you if they did I would make it happen but the sad fact is they don't so I'm not going to allow there little world to
Me: Be disturb by whatever delusions you have conceived in your mind, cause I'm sure everything is going according to plan for you...
Me: Its my job to protect them from harm and if its there egg donor then so be it, its obvious your not making any great decision lately
Me:If in fact this is even you or if your even allowed to speak completely freely by your warden
Me: We are use to the ups and downs and for our beautiful kids to be put through that kind process is just fucked up
Me:Enough is enough old lady of mine, serious enough is enough let our babies heal through this horrible time in there life
Me: You can curse, and threaten police or whatever you think you got on us but at the end of it its about those 3 minds and hearts nothing else
Me: There fine there being kids no one is bad mouthing you cause there is no need to he negative to our babies
Me:You'll speak and hopefully see them again under good situations hopefully but let them be for them for them thats all I have to say goodnight
I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
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