page 2-Trophies of disappointments

I would like to start this process by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. 

So I suggest wearing some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I'm exhausted from being exhausted. When you see it on paper it looks retarded. It makes me feel retarded, so far not such a good day. I've been reading the comments left by my friends and family. Normally I would think to feel good but I feel like throwing up. Not because its bad, but because its good and positive. 

There is something terribly wrong here. All my life I've had issues with compliments and success. I am making myself crazy when this is suppose to be a release. The fantasy in my head is always bigger and better, until reality sets in.This isn't a cry for " look at my poor existence" syndrome.  I'm fully aware that the world has far worst issues to deal with on a daily basis. I too have the who gives a shit approach.  Unfortunately positivity has not been a strong suit that I have worn throughout my life. 
I feel like I'm going off on a babble of sorts. I had notes for today trying to format this but all it did was make me anxious, so I'm not doing that no more.
I hitting a bit of a stalemate. 
I leave you guys with this little number I wrote this morning.

Feeling the dread of it

It holds my soul hostage

It paralysis my mind

I hit the pause button

Stunning my growth

Demoralizing my ability to shine

As I cover myself in promises

I cripple my progress

To stage this big show

To accept my prize

Trophies of disappointments

Statues of things that never materialized

Engraved in with my words
That sing and rhyme

Living with the dread

It keeps me company at night

It torments me when I'm sober

It mocks my passion, my drive

There is an answer to this puzzle

His name will remain empty

For his feelings and spirit are shy

He answers to many names
Some from his creator
Many from his anguish life

Idiot, stupid, hilarious, naive,  enormous
The list is quite vast
The truth stings and burns
The compliments bring unsettling peace

I hit the play button with fear
Trying to live, trying to fly
My daily journey is endless
This struggle is all mine

I've run out of steam, I've run out of words to rhyme.

Thank you for time cause its the most precious gift we carry.

Please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.

I have many steps that await me.

Goodnight.