Page 73-Pain the foundation of everything

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

foundation
noun
1. the act of founding, especially the establishment of an institution with provisions for future provisions.
2. the basis on which a thing stands, is founded or is supported


I am in bit of a mood today. Reality is raining down on me and I knew it was a matter of time before I got soaked. When I was in church on Sunday morning the preacher had a very interesting sermon on the foundation of things. Yeah I said church. Not in a million years did I ever think the phrase I went to church would appear on anything that was attached to me.  He said that to have a proper foundation and have something to weather the storm life is going to bring, one has to do a lot of work that goes unnoticed. He came up with the analogy of two men building a house. The man on the left built the foundation of his house on sand cause it was easier. The man on the right started digging underground before even laying the foundation. The man on the left builds his framework, gets his walls up and before you know it has his house almost built. The man on the right is still working on securing his foundation. The man on the left is done with his house. He looks down at the man on the right and laughs at his slow progress. The man on the left is proud as his house stands tall and finished. The man on the right has this finished housed constantly looming over him as he digs and digs to secure his foundation. There comes a time when the man on the right finally finishes his house. The man on the left by this time has thrown a couple of parties and been the talk of the town on his amazing house and the record time it was built. The man on the right house's isn't as fancy but its a roof over his head, a place he can lay his head and call home. The next day a storm of epic portion comes and falls upon both houses. The man on the left house trembles and shakes and eventually collapses upon itself. The man on the right house bends but does not break. The man on the left could no longer look down at the man on the right's house. As fast as it went up, it came tumbling down.
In life we want the glory and adoration of the rewards life has to offer. We don't want to do the work. I don't wan't to do the leg work. We condition ourselves to this sense of entitlement. I deserve to be famous, I deserve to be rich. We envy those who have succeeded in life and we don't think for a second about the risk or struggle they have endure. We don't think about the amount of failure they have had to be paid and the strength of their faith to continue in what they believe. This applies to yours truly. I would love to be able to wake up one day come on here and see that a million people have looked at what I wrote. The fame and fortune it would bring to my life and family.  The minute some ridiculous idea like that pops up in my head I put my two feet on the floor and come back to earth. Its the struggle that builds your character. Its the struggle people identify with. Its the struggle that teach the tools you need to be successful in life. Its the struggles in life that make you the Juggernaut you are in life. It makes you. In order to build muscle that defines strength you must break it so it can mend not to break. So it can heal and be this force to be reckon with. Unfortunately I have to apply this way of thinking to my life at the moment. I must practice what I am attempting to preach on here. I must practice cause I believe in it as well. 
My life is at crossroad of sorts. I have made a leap of faith and have taken a road I have yet not traveled in my life. I have removed myself from all I know and I am venturing out. I have left my safety net. I have done this so I can have a different perspective at the challenges life throws at me. Whatever I was doing before wasn't working. Extraordinary moments require extraordinary measures. When you have faith in something that looks broken to the world and you grasps it knowing what's broken is going to cut you its scary. Even more so if the cuts are deep and you start to bleed out and not having someone waiting with a band aid. 
I am at point with my situation where past demons have presented themselves. They have come to torment and tempt me to fail and fall from the difficult progress I have made. In order to succeed we must learn from our failures and not repeat them. It is so easy when things are good to say I know there are going to be bad times and not think twice about that statement. My god when the time come to face those bad times it literally takes everything in me not to fall of the wagon and go back to the negativity that lead me nowhere. I really don' t want to get into the details to much about exactly what conflict I am having at the moment. I have someone else that I have to think about. Its just not me no more so I have to be very careful in what I share from time to time. It comes with the package when you share your life someone. All  I want to say is that its not a sprint. Its a fucking marathon and my god is fucking overwhelming at times. But my eye is on the prize. My eye is that finish line and have the satisfaction of knowing that we beat the odds and that the struggle made me strong, better, more loving and the Juggernaut I know I am. We all make mistakes,have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But we are not our mistakes, we are not our struggles. We are here today with the power  and ability to shape our lives and our future.Love one another cause there is no promise that we will have the opportunity to do it tomorrow. 

"Be to her virtues very kind. Be to her faults a little blind."

- Matthew Prior 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 72-THis is a marathon? They lied to me...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.
Mahatma Gandhi

I have been procrastinating this post since I posted my last one last week. The whole point I started this blog was to express myself and I feel like I'm using my talents on some level. Its stressful trying to live up to certain expectations placed upon me by myself and others. This shouldn't feel like work. This shouldn't stress me out. As the process goes the more I get into this post the more at ease I feel. Seems like the story of my life. I tend to give up before I even try. I am working on that mind frame and approach to life in general. Especially in my family and marriage.
Things are going well, actually more than well they are going really good. I think I am starting to get a taste of what it is to live in harmony or the closest thing to it. I am so use to the shit hitting the fan than I am constantly flinching waiting to be splattered. So far its been a shit free zone. The good have been great the not so good moments have been not that bad at all. I am growing and learning. Well I think I am. After being put through hell and coming out the abyss to see the light, I still have to pinch myself at times to makes sure this is my life I am living not a daydream. The sequence of events that lead to this time in place I now call my life is still a mind fuck. People in my life are still in the dark cause I have kept them in the dark. This was my choice. Not my wife's choice, not my children's choice, mine. Me Richard Guillermo of sound body and mind have decided to just stop. To hit the pause button and see if I can just soak in all of this. No outside influence. No belly aching on my part. No one chirping in my ear or me looking for someone to chirp in my ear. No more good advice, no more bad advice. Just silence and the sound of my daily life speaking to my heart on a daily basis. Just the chance to apply all that I have learned. The weight of my decisions are very real. This is something new. A new way of life and I am trying to figure it out as I go. 
Much of the advice people get about marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is, it usually doesn't work, The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for. Among the worst advice? Telling your wife how you really feel. Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person. But shouldn't I be honest about my feelings? This way of thinking was one of my beliefs. What's the point of being with someone you can't express yourself fully. I didn't want to sugar coat or fake my feelings cause I thought it might compromise me as a person and the fear of losing my identity. Then through trial and error this simple message finally popped up in my head and stayed  If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship. Listening is an important skill a spouse. But a broken marriage needs leadership. After listening, someone has to have the courage and experience to say, ok here is what I want you to do.  Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen, but because of what someone in the marriage will do.
    It often takes many years of marriage before two people can become honest enough to tell one another what they really need to hear. Marriage provides the painful feedback that is necessary for personal growth. Pain definitely means your alive for sure. Your spouse might be capable of hating you more than anyone. .Your spouse is
also capable of loving you more than anyone.Its a very strange dynamic. The whole ying and yang concept. The harder it is to make things work, the better of a person you will become. It’s more rewarding to run a marathon than it is to walk to the mailbox. That’s because nearly anyone can walk to the mailbox. Few people have what it takes to run a marathon. Relationships are similar. It’s easy to love someone during easy times. It’s a lot more rewarding to love someone through hard times. 
I feel what I feel. I think what I think. No matter what it looks likes like. No matter the history of this story. No matter who the main characters are. I will figure this out. I will take control of my path in life. I will succeed, cause the price of failing is far to great a price to pay. I am tried of paying and I am dead broke cause of it. Time to build from the ground up, what else do I have time for other than waiting for death. 

One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 71-To much grey.. I need a box of crayons

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."
- Lillian Dickson

How does one stop comparing one self to a prior? My insecurities about this area in our relationship fluctuates constantly. I just don't know to conquer this barrier. I feel like I need unrelenting adoration and physical stimulation to build up my devastated ego. How much adoration and physical stimulation can a person provide? Especially someone whose been with me a decade all ready? Am I being unreasonable? 

ego
noun
1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 
b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality 

Am I crying and pouting? The point is that the realities of this mending marriage in progress is getting away from me at times . It seems that my focus derails and falls into an abyss. In this dark, boundless space I pull up a chair and wallow in my fears. I begin my list. What did he do better than me? Was he better in bed? Could he pull more affectionate responses than me? Did he make her laugh more? Did he fulfill her better? Was he more adept at finding her needs without asking or being told? Does she compare me to him but doesn't have the heart to bear me my downfalls? Was his smaller size a factor? Did he truly love her more than me? Did she love him more than I? The questions and fears run a mile long. Honestly I don't have the stamina to continue with this torment I put myself through at times. Then the question I hear from the masses is why even be with someone who makes me torment myself? The answer is real simple. When I'm with her the world could be going to hell in a hand basket and the heat from the chaos around me wouldn't even break me out in a sweat. In the 3 weeks I have yet seen the dark cloud looming over us.
She is the physical manifestation of love for me. She's someone I can hold and kiss. Someone I can caress and smell. Someone I can whisper sweet nothing and vent my frustrations to. She's someone I can buy flowers for. She's my wife. My friend. My soul mate. She is also the one person who has caused the most anguish and torment as well. She has also been my biggest enemy at times. I am not blind to the recent past. I study it quite often . I'm doing my best to learn from my past transgressions and do not want to fall victim to its unsavory outcome. What's that saying, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Something like that I'm feeling to lazy to Google it at the moment. Don't let the world fool you ladies and gentlemen. The world has an abundance of grey to offer. Cause nothing in this life is black and white. There is much love as there is hate in our hearts. Its up to you how you wanna mix that cocktail because its you who has to drink it and live it. This rant got started by a joke in bad taste, in my opinion, tonight. On my next page I will post the letter I wrote to her not to long ago and with her permission I would like to share what she responded with. For those who know me I haven't abandoned my friends and family. You all are in my thoughts everyday and I pray that soon we will all be able to put this behind us and enjoy each others company again. The water under the bridge will reside with enough sunshine. I promise you that. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 70- To accept the hazard of risk- My Marriage

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."

- Adam R. Gwizdala

It's been over a week now since the day. The day where my world was remade. The day when I got the call to come over and have dinner. The day I said yes and got to hold her in my arms. The day when the anger and negativity left me as fast as it entered. Her voice quivered as she mouthed the invitation. Time stopped as I ingested this unbelievably act I was being witness to. 48 hrs prior I was 5 feet away trying to assassinate her character and her mine. I wasnt allowed to be within 500 ft of her. So many thoughts raced through my mind. My hand shook as I put the key into the ignition. Just like the turn of the key so I was on my way to turn a page in my book of life. I have been down this road before. Physically and emotionally. As the tires hit the gravel driveway the grinding of the rocks mimicked that of my teeth. I step out of my vehicle and now I'm completely exposed to all the elements of life. No phone, no car, no friends or family, no house to hide behind. I hold my breath to prevent my heart from jumping out my throat as I knocked. Knock, knock... who's there? I didn't want to answer that question. If this was a dream I was dreaming, I didn't want to wake from it. The door opens. "Come in" she says. I instinctively look at those amazing hazel eyes as they watered the second they connected with mine. "Hi, how are you?" I responded. "Ok" she said. Time stopped and I ran out of words. This is the moment I fantasized, I dreamed, I thought was impossible.
She leaped into my arms. I've been waiting to catch her since the day she left back in May. This was the fork in my journey. Do I continue to go on my own or do I catch her and go on with my "Entire" family? She exposed her true self for the first time in a long time, do I do the same? I had a mirco second to decide. She lunged like a cheetah on its prey and I caught her like honey to a bee. I embraced her with all my heart and all my love for her. All the lies, accusations, pain and heartache washed away for those ten seconds. All those conversations I had with the man upstairs and here she is in my arms. Are my prayers answered or is this the final exam? Time will be the grader of my work. She put her lips to mine and we became one for a second. She pushes back excited "you kissed back!" I been waiting to kiss her back since I last saw her at the bed of the ambulance. I sat down next to her. I was frozen in disbelief. Pinch me I asked her cause this can't be real. I would continuously ask her to pinch me throughout our conversation. She told me how sorry she was and what a grave error in judgment she had made. That he was just a rebound and how much she loves me. That she didn't have to call and invite me over cause she could of done it on her own. I quickly responded with I didn't have to come over either. That in fact by me coming over I would jeopardize everything. My family, friends my stability and sanity. That no one would really understand this decision. 

chance
noun
1 a : something that happens unpredictably without discernible human intention or observable cause 
b : the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings 
c : the fortuitous or incalculable element in existence : contingency
2 : a situation favoring some purpose : opportunity <needed a chance to relax>
4 a : the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation; also : the degree of likelihood of such an outcome <a small chance of success> 
b plural : the more likely indications <chances are he's already gone>
5 a : risk <not taking any chances> intransitive verb
1 a : to take place, come about, or turn out by chance : happen <it chanced to rain that day> 
b : to have the good or bad luck <we chanced to meet>
2 : to come or light by chance <they chanced upon a remote inn>
transitive verb
1 : to leave the outcome of to chance
2 : to accept the hazard of : risk

Well anyone who has been reading this knows some of the events that have transpired. For those that have not, I suggest getting some coffee and doing some catching up. The fact of the matter is I did come over cause the love never really left my heart. The dreams never stop coming. The hope never faded to bad and the light at the end if the tunnel never stop fluctuating. No matter how dark it got. I for the first time in my life feel confident at the task ahead. I have grown, I have learned and now its time to implement these changes. I'm going in on my own. No outside interference. No birds chirping in my ears painting pictures in my head. I love you all for support and intent but I must succeed or fail by my own accord. I have to trust my heart and mind on this cause this is the only life I have.
I'm going to finish this post with this analogy. I was washing dishes today and it came time to wash the bowl with the brownie mix in it. It was so dark and sticky it look like someone took a dump in it. Anyway as the clear, pure unrelenting water penetrated the utter muck of dark cake mix it all made sense to me. The simple stream of unconditional love can slowly clear up the most ugly of situations. Only if the stream stops will the muck fester, rot and spread disease. Just like the negativity and hate we may carry in our hearts at anytime. I am truly seeking happiness. All in time of course, all in time. So before discarding someone or something think about the brownie bowl. :)

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 69-If I stagger don't help me up..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future."

- Gifford Pinchot

I have been very down lately. I suppose that the obvious reason would be my heart. Once again I have been slacking with my meds. To call bit my relapse phase. It happens randomly. It feels like I try sabotaging my stability by holding hands with it. Therapy has been a very enlightening experience. I guess my grieving process has its ups and downs. Its been even more difficult since she's moved back into town. Every time I feel I have taken one step forward I seem to hit a bump of an emotional draft that keeps me at a stalemate. I think what is happening especially with the kids is what makes it even harder. One of my goals in life was to shield my kids from being part of a divorce family. My experience with it was so earth shattering that I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I have also realize that I cannot do the work of another person in this relationship . I have realize I have to set an example for my children of what is proper conduct and what is not. What is loving each other and being there for each other. I have failed and succeed in these areas constantly. Despite coming from a broken home I have absorbed these essential elements of life. Life itself is such a cluster fuck of events and emotions. One of the achievements I would like to proclaim in my life span is to see something through the end. What has happened in the last few weeks cannot be contained by mere words. None the less I'm going to give it go. So if I stagger and drift my apologies in advance.

As I sat the other day at my new home with my family, I am having my son asking me what kind of fluids can be transmitted during sex. Yes the non stop action of being dad and husband again is on. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The appreciation that fills my body on a daily basis is

constant pressure I need to keep me focused. The saying here today gone tomorrow spoke volumes today. As I ran errands today this traffic jam appeared suddenly. Of course the reaction of frustration and inconvenience rises to the surface. We make our way through the traffic queue to find a police yellow banner. It had roped off part of the highway and a small crowd had gather. We carefully navigated through the orange cones and make our way pass the crowd to source of this commotion. Gravity had made an impression on the white sheet on the road. His or her hand laid exposed on the sizzling asphalt. The blood had drain from the hand and the paleness seem to compete against the white sheet. The mangled metal of what once represented a motorcycle laid about 50 feet from this make shift resting place. My mind went blank, my heart froze as the tears of this person's family filled my heart. I envisioned their lives forever traumatized by today's date. Having these thoughts and feelings have made me ever so thankful for today and the people involved in my life. I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week.  

 I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week. The last 2 weeks have emotionally rape me. I literally have experienced both sides of the spectrum and I'm still woozy from the experience. My decision to work on my marriage and forgive my wife is not a popular or easy one.I never stopped loving her no matter how dim the light got at the end of the tunnel. Loving her is something I will never apologize for. have factored the past, present and possible future. I have removed all outside influences for once. Its me, her and the kids against all the evil and greatness this world has to offer. Friends and family a like will be up in arms and hugely disappointed in my judgment. I understood by vocalizing and airing my business to the world that this would be a possible consequence. What I've written and spoken about her were true to my mind and heart at the time. I will not retract my perception of the situation cause the detoxification process allowed me to make this decision. The pursuit of happiness is a personal journey no matter what picture it may present. I have my own happiness in mind, my children's, and my old lady's. If I fail it will be on me. If I succeed it will be on me. Definitely to be continued...

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight