Page 93- I loved you to death....almost...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

¹sui·cide

 noun \ˈsü-ə-ˌsīd\

a :  the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind

b :  ruin of one's own interest

: the act of killing yourself because you do not want to continue living

: a person who commits suicide

: an action that ruins or destroys your career, social position, etc.

Day 24 and I never thought I would see the number again. The morning of Sunday March 30, 2014 will be my D-Day. Day when the invasion of my heart and soul got invaded by the darkest, most desperate thoughts and feelings I have ever endured. As the blade rubbed against my wrist I was expecting the pain to stop me from making mince meat of my flesh. I was numb to it all. The pain, the process, the blood. For a second it made me stop and think about what I was doing but only a second. My life had no meaning, my journey had no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I had officially given up on life. As the tears painted the masterpiece of horror which was my heart breaking for the last, I completely lost perspective of why I am here. I have failed as a musician. I have failed as a son. I have failed as a brother. I have failed as a father. I have failed as husband and now the one thing I strive to achieve in my life was in sense being taken from me. My marriage. When she muttered the words " I don't love you anymore and I think this is heading for a divorce" I snapped. I babbled. I cried. I kept talking to myself. Nothing was calming down. Another slash, blood repeat and repeat. "I am calling the police" penetrated my bubble of insanity and pain. My wife was screaming through the locked door in our bathroom. I could suddenly feel the knife cutting and the colorfulness of the blood caught my attention. "I can't do this here, I can't do this here" I mumble to myself as I ran out of the house with the knife in hand. I didn't want children services to take my kids away from their home once I completed the act. This was motivation and what ultimately saved my life that day. As I was running down the stairs to my car I got a bit of a rush knowing that I have finally hit rock bottom in my life. My life had such chaos that in the midst of it I got caught up in the drama of things. I got in the car and speed away.I purposely left my cell phone so they wouldn't be able to track me via gps on my phone. I even drove over the county line to another county so they wouldn't be able to come after me. As I was scouting a spot to finish what I started, the tears and pain of everyone I love engulfed my mind and soul. I envision my own funeral couldn't bear the tears, I couldn't bear the pain I was inflicting through my selfish actions. 
I jump back in time as I run through my head the events that lead me to this very point. I could almost pinpoint the genesis of this downward spiral. I was eight years old and church was our main social setting back in the day. It was a Friday night and church started around eight o'clock. For some reason I decide tonight I would conduct a bit of a social experiment. I sat in the last pew of the church and waiting to be noticed. One hour, two hours and not a single wave or look to say hello. I started to get sad and sad turn into pain and pain eventually turn to tears. When the service was the routine was to hang out in front of the church and wait on our parents to come out. This was the main socializing opportunity we had as kids. So I pick my spot outside and gave the experiment one more chance. Same result and this is when the river of tears and heartache overwhelmed me. To my surprise the pastor's older son, who I didn't really talk to came up to me and did his best to cheer up my weeping spirit. The funny thing about this story is that it was well over twenty five years ago and not till recently did this occurred to me. That I did get noticed and that some cared enough to talk me down and realize that I am important. Sometimes we get so focused on what we think we need, that what we were looking for was there the entire time. If you take a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the center of it what do you see. A dot or a white piece of paper with a dot in the middle.  That tunnel vision is what lead to my pit of hopelessness and despair. We as human being tend to put a lot of stock in others, even salvation instead of believing in ourselves. I am so guilty of this its not even funny. This is a dangerous path cause it leads to not having any self worth, no self esteem and not loving and forgiving oneself. All these ingredients are a recipe for suicide. I still stand firm that everything happens for a reason and I am glad I came to this point in my life. I'm a better person for it and it force me to get the help I desperately needed. 
But that day I wanted to once again bury the trauma like I always did. I ditched the knife and headed back to my house hoping that she was bluffing about the cops. As I got closer to the complex we live in, I saw a cruiser waiting at the entrance. Whatever emotion I had left made me sick to my stomach. Here it is the consequence of a stupid thirty second decision.  I parked the car across the street and sneaked in through the back of the building. I thought they were gone put the minute the door shut behind me they came around the corner with guns drawn. I already had ditch the knife not to confuse them and possible cause a suicide by cop scenario. I didn't resist and I felt the cold steel of handcuffs for the first time in my life. They started in on me about my reasons for my action. My tears at that point did most of the talking as I got escorted downstairs to the cruiser. As if the embarrassment wasn't enough here comes my mom running from her car in tears. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I made my mom cry and at that point I didn't want to be alive to have to witness a second longer. It took everything in my power to keep whatever of composure I had left to look her in the eye. That was the  only time I was happy to be in a cruiser.I took all in as I rode prisoner in this vehicle. How quickly life changes in a blink of an eye.  I leave this where it's at with this last thing. On the way to hospital I told the cop this. "I guess riding in handcuffs can be taken off my bucket list, I got to laugh officer cause its all I got left."



Only by contending with challenges that seem to be beyond your strength to handle at the moment you can grow more surely toward the stars.
Brian Tracy

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight

Page 92-Davenport we have a problem

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

My hands shake as my nerves calm down from the eruption of emotions that have occurred in the last two hours or so. I thought I had this covered from my experiences in the psych wards.   My heart races like a river and my mind scramble to regain control. I have to much venom in my veins to behave like a civilized human being at this moment and I can recognize that. Thank god for anxiety drugs and sleeping medication. I am trying new things to easy my state of mind and writing while in this chaotic mode is something new for me of sorts.  I am trying to rationalized in my head when someone tells you that they love you and care about but does not want to work on the relationship. Its a bit of a mind fuck. I mean does it make sense to you. Its seem like a test of sorts and I am to old and worn down for these games. Unfortunately  I have been in this kind of environment for way to long and I seem to play right along like a veteran. I try to place my issues in a higher power. I try to use logic, but my emotions are like an untamed beast ready to feast upon its closest prey.

How does one deal with such a beast. Some would say to slay the beast or trap it put in a cage to relocate. How does one do that with one's heart and soul. How does one tell the very thing that makes you feel alive to stop feeling cause the source isn't there anymore. Physically its there but its all but a shell of its former self. All I have left is the memories of what once was and its a very dangerous thing. Living in the past is very easy to do and almost impossible to forget. Thinking of a future without the possibility of created past memories is torture for the present. I am talking about the shell of a marriage I am living in. We have become extremely toxic. Pain is the universal link that connects us all, but its also what binds us and drowns us if we don't let go. Letting go is part of life, a painful one but a necessary one. Death is the final letting go process we will all cross it one day and the end of relationships is practice for when our time comes. I really suck at letting go especially when we have children and I see her in there smile, in there laugh, in the tears in the eyes and in their hearts. I try to rejoice that we made such beautiful children together but I carry much sorrow at the fact that we can't witness their evolution together hand in hand. Life teaches us many thing and usually after the fact. I'm a bad student cause I refuse to learn my lesson cause I don't want to let go of my mistakes. I cling on to this hope, to this invisible light that apparently only I see. I believe cause its all I have left. I believe cause I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This rambling has gone long enough. Love the ones nearest and dearest to you cause they is guarantee that they will be there tomorrow to hear you voice to see your eyes to feel  your love. Embrace the moments cause in the end memories is all that will keep us alive forever.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

George Jean Nathan

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight. 

Page 91-Meds, fear, Meds, anxiety, Meds, Nirvana...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


As the beads of sweat race out of my head, the internal turmoil is at its boiling point. I haven't felt this anxious in a very long, long time. My breathing gets more shallow with each word I type. I feel as if the ghost of the past rise from their graves to start their overnight shift. Working on me. They work me good and they work my efficiently. My life has had so many twists and turns that I just about ready to vomit from this tea cup ride. My stomach is a mixture of fear and pain. My heart is being pushed to its limit. My mind is on a bad trip, as visions of the future mirror scenarios from the past. I am trying so damn hard to break my defects that makes this play of life of mine so much harder. I am like a junkie wanting a fix. Someone anyone that would take inconsideration all my fears and concerns are address. I want to inject the venom that is flowing through my veins at this very moment upon my nearest innocent victim. I have taken twice the recommend dose of my anxiety meds and it seems to just make it worst. Change is hard even with the will to execute it. Whats that saying doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is called what insanity. What if you don't know another way. What if you were not taught such a thing as option 2 existed. I am just rambling at this point and if you are following me to this point well then god bless you. I really had a thought process for this post but my god has it gone awry. The meds are starting to kick in and they are numbing my heart and soul at the moment. I am escaping hoping to survive this ambush of emotions and thoughts. This is hard my god is this hard. Even with the best intentions change is freaking hard. Before the meds completely subdue my thoughts I will leave you guys with this. Life is a constant learning cause it comes with no handbook or study guide to all the constant test we are constantly being tested on.


Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
George Bernard Shaw

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.