I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
Day 24 and I never thought I would see the number again. The morning of Sunday March 30, 2014 will be my D-Day. Day when the invasion of my heart and soul got invaded by the darkest, most desperate thoughts and feelings I have ever endured. As the blade rubbed against my wrist I was expecting the pain to stop me from making mince meat of my flesh. I was numb to it all. The pain, the process, the blood. For a second it made me stop and think about what I was doing but only a second. My life had no meaning, my journey had no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I had officially given up on life. As the tears painted the masterpiece of horror which was my heart breaking for the last, I completely lost perspective of why I am here. I have failed as a musician. I have failed as a son. I have failed as a brother. I have failed as a father. I have failed as husband and now the one thing I strive to achieve in my life was in sense being taken from me. My marriage. When she muttered the words " I don't love you anymore and I think this is heading for a divorce" I snapped. I babbled. I cried. I kept talking to myself. Nothing was calming down. Another slash, blood repeat and repeat. "I am calling the police" penetrated my bubble of insanity and pain. My wife was screaming through the locked door in our bathroom. I could suddenly feel the knife cutting and the colorfulness of the blood caught my attention. "I can't do this here, I can't do this here" I mumble to myself as I ran out of the house with the knife in hand. I didn't want children services to take my kids away from their home once I completed the act. This was motivation and what ultimately saved my life that day. As I was running down the stairs to my car I got a bit of a rush knowing that I have finally hit rock bottom in my life. My life had such chaos that in the midst of it I got caught up in the drama of things. I got in the car and speed away.I purposely left my cell phone so they wouldn't be able to track me via gps on my phone. I even drove over the county line to another county so they wouldn't be able to come after me. As I was scouting a spot to finish what I started, the tears and pain of everyone I love engulfed my mind and soul. I envision my own funeral couldn't bear the tears, I couldn't bear the pain I was inflicting through my selfish actions.
I jump back in time as I run through my head the events that lead me to this very point. I could almost pinpoint the genesis of this downward spiral. I was eight years old and church was our main social setting back in the day. It was a Friday night and church started around eight o'clock. For some reason I decide tonight I would conduct a bit of a social experiment. I sat in the last pew of the church and waiting to be noticed. One hour, two hours and not a single wave or look to say hello. I started to get sad and sad turn into pain and pain eventually turn to tears. When the service was the routine was to hang out in front of the church and wait on our parents to come out. This was the main socializing opportunity we had as kids. So I pick my spot outside and gave the experiment one more chance. Same result and this is when the river of tears and heartache overwhelmed me. To my surprise the pastor's older son, who I didn't really talk to came up to me and did his best to cheer up my weeping spirit. The funny thing about this story is that it was well over twenty five years ago and not till recently did this occurred to me. That I did get noticed and that some cared enough to talk me down and realize that I am important. Sometimes we get so focused on what we think we need, that what we were looking for was there the entire time. If you take a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the center of it what do you see. A dot or a white piece of paper with a dot in the middle. That tunnel vision is what lead to my pit of hopelessness and despair. We as human being tend to put a lot of stock in others, even salvation instead of believing in ourselves. I am so guilty of this its not even funny. This is a dangerous path cause it leads to not having any self worth, no self esteem and not loving and forgiving oneself. All these ingredients are a recipe for suicide. I still stand firm that everything happens for a reason and I am glad I came to this point in my life. I'm a better person for it and it force me to get the help I desperately needed.
But that day I wanted to once again bury the trauma like I always did. I ditched the knife and headed back to my house hoping that she was bluffing about the cops. As I got closer to the complex we live in, I saw a cruiser waiting at the entrance. Whatever emotion I had left made me sick to my stomach. Here it is the consequence of a stupid thirty second decision. I parked the car across the street and sneaked in through the back of the building. I thought they were gone put the minute the door shut behind me they came around the corner with guns drawn. I already had ditch the knife not to confuse them and possible cause a suicide by cop scenario. I didn't resist and I felt the cold steel of handcuffs for the first time in my life. They started in on me about my reasons for my action. My tears at that point did most of the talking as I got escorted downstairs to the cruiser. As if the embarrassment wasn't enough here comes my mom running from her car in tears. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I made my mom cry and at that point I didn't want to be alive to have to witness a second longer. It took everything in my power to keep whatever of composure I had left to look her in the eye. That was the only time I was happy to be in a cruiser.I took all in as I rode prisoner in this vehicle. How quickly life changes in a blink of an eye. I leave this where it's at with this last thing. On the way to hospital I told the cop this. "I guess riding in handcuffs can be taken off my bucket list, I got to laugh officer cause its all I got left."
Only by contending with challenges that seem to be beyond your strength to handle at the moment you can grow more surely toward the stars.
Brian Tracy
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight
1sui·cide
noun \ˈsü-ə-ˌsīd\
a : the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind
b : ruin of one's own interest
: the act of killing yourself because you do not want to continue living
: a person who commits suicide
: an action that ruins or destroys your career, social position, etc.
Day 24 and I never thought I would see the number again. The morning of Sunday March 30, 2014 will be my D-Day. Day when the invasion of my heart and soul got invaded by the darkest, most desperate thoughts and feelings I have ever endured. As the blade rubbed against my wrist I was expecting the pain to stop me from making mince meat of my flesh. I was numb to it all. The pain, the process, the blood. For a second it made me stop and think about what I was doing but only a second. My life had no meaning, my journey had no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I had officially given up on life. As the tears painted the masterpiece of horror which was my heart breaking for the last, I completely lost perspective of why I am here. I have failed as a musician. I have failed as a son. I have failed as a brother. I have failed as a father. I have failed as husband and now the one thing I strive to achieve in my life was in sense being taken from me. My marriage. When she muttered the words " I don't love you anymore and I think this is heading for a divorce" I snapped. I babbled. I cried. I kept talking to myself. Nothing was calming down. Another slash, blood repeat and repeat. "I am calling the police" penetrated my bubble of insanity and pain. My wife was screaming through the locked door in our bathroom. I could suddenly feel the knife cutting and the colorfulness of the blood caught my attention. "I can't do this here, I can't do this here" I mumble to myself as I ran out of the house with the knife in hand. I didn't want children services to take my kids away from their home once I completed the act. This was motivation and what ultimately saved my life that day. As I was running down the stairs to my car I got a bit of a rush knowing that I have finally hit rock bottom in my life. My life had such chaos that in the midst of it I got caught up in the drama of things. I got in the car and speed away.I purposely left my cell phone so they wouldn't be able to track me via gps on my phone. I even drove over the county line to another county so they wouldn't be able to come after me. As I was scouting a spot to finish what I started, the tears and pain of everyone I love engulfed my mind and soul. I envision my own funeral couldn't bear the tears, I couldn't bear the pain I was inflicting through my selfish actions.
I jump back in time as I run through my head the events that lead me to this very point. I could almost pinpoint the genesis of this downward spiral. I was eight years old and church was our main social setting back in the day. It was a Friday night and church started around eight o'clock. For some reason I decide tonight I would conduct a bit of a social experiment. I sat in the last pew of the church and waiting to be noticed. One hour, two hours and not a single wave or look to say hello. I started to get sad and sad turn into pain and pain eventually turn to tears. When the service was the routine was to hang out in front of the church and wait on our parents to come out. This was the main socializing opportunity we had as kids. So I pick my spot outside and gave the experiment one more chance. Same result and this is when the river of tears and heartache overwhelmed me. To my surprise the pastor's older son, who I didn't really talk to came up to me and did his best to cheer up my weeping spirit. The funny thing about this story is that it was well over twenty five years ago and not till recently did this occurred to me. That I did get noticed and that some cared enough to talk me down and realize that I am important. Sometimes we get so focused on what we think we need, that what we were looking for was there the entire time. If you take a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the center of it what do you see. A dot or a white piece of paper with a dot in the middle. That tunnel vision is what lead to my pit of hopelessness and despair. We as human being tend to put a lot of stock in others, even salvation instead of believing in ourselves. I am so guilty of this its not even funny. This is a dangerous path cause it leads to not having any self worth, no self esteem and not loving and forgiving oneself. All these ingredients are a recipe for suicide. I still stand firm that everything happens for a reason and I am glad I came to this point in my life. I'm a better person for it and it force me to get the help I desperately needed.
But that day I wanted to once again bury the trauma like I always did. I ditched the knife and headed back to my house hoping that she was bluffing about the cops. As I got closer to the complex we live in, I saw a cruiser waiting at the entrance. Whatever emotion I had left made me sick to my stomach. Here it is the consequence of a stupid thirty second decision. I parked the car across the street and sneaked in through the back of the building. I thought they were gone put the minute the door shut behind me they came around the corner with guns drawn. I already had ditch the knife not to confuse them and possible cause a suicide by cop scenario. I didn't resist and I felt the cold steel of handcuffs for the first time in my life. They started in on me about my reasons for my action. My tears at that point did most of the talking as I got escorted downstairs to the cruiser. As if the embarrassment wasn't enough here comes my mom running from her car in tears. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I made my mom cry and at that point I didn't want to be alive to have to witness a second longer. It took everything in my power to keep whatever of composure I had left to look her in the eye. That was the only time I was happy to be in a cruiser.I took all in as I rode prisoner in this vehicle. How quickly life changes in a blink of an eye. I leave this where it's at with this last thing. On the way to hospital I told the cop this. "I guess riding in handcuffs can be taken off my bucket list, I got to laugh officer cause its all I got left."
Only by contending with challenges that seem to be beyond your strength to handle at the moment you can grow more surely toward the stars.
Brian Tracy
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight
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