Page 92-Davenport we have a problem

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

My hands shake as my nerves calm down from the eruption of emotions that have occurred in the last two hours or so. I thought I had this covered from my experiences in the psych wards.   My heart races like a river and my mind scramble to regain control. I have to much venom in my veins to behave like a civilized human being at this moment and I can recognize that. Thank god for anxiety drugs and sleeping medication. I am trying new things to easy my state of mind and writing while in this chaotic mode is something new for me of sorts.  I am trying to rationalized in my head when someone tells you that they love you and care about but does not want to work on the relationship. Its a bit of a mind fuck. I mean does it make sense to you. Its seem like a test of sorts and I am to old and worn down for these games. Unfortunately  I have been in this kind of environment for way to long and I seem to play right along like a veteran. I try to place my issues in a higher power. I try to use logic, but my emotions are like an untamed beast ready to feast upon its closest prey.

How does one deal with such a beast. Some would say to slay the beast or trap it put in a cage to relocate. How does one do that with one's heart and soul. How does one tell the very thing that makes you feel alive to stop feeling cause the source isn't there anymore. Physically its there but its all but a shell of its former self. All I have left is the memories of what once was and its a very dangerous thing. Living in the past is very easy to do and almost impossible to forget. Thinking of a future without the possibility of created past memories is torture for the present. I am talking about the shell of a marriage I am living in. We have become extremely toxic. Pain is the universal link that connects us all, but its also what binds us and drowns us if we don't let go. Letting go is part of life, a painful one but a necessary one. Death is the final letting go process we will all cross it one day and the end of relationships is practice for when our time comes. I really suck at letting go especially when we have children and I see her in there smile, in there laugh, in the tears in the eyes and in their hearts. I try to rejoice that we made such beautiful children together but I carry much sorrow at the fact that we can't witness their evolution together hand in hand. Life teaches us many thing and usually after the fact. I'm a bad student cause I refuse to learn my lesson cause I don't want to let go of my mistakes. I cling on to this hope, to this invisible light that apparently only I see. I believe cause its all I have left. I believe cause I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This rambling has gone long enough. Love the ones nearest and dearest to you cause they is guarantee that they will be there tomorrow to hear you voice to see your eyes to feel  your love. Embrace the moments cause in the end memories is all that will keep us alive forever.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

George Jean Nathan

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.