Page 88-Sobering up is for the birds...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
-Johnathan Safran Foer-


I just had the most amazing sex with my wife and I am starting to give to the seduction of alcohol. I normally don't kiss and tell that much but my lose lips are running the show at the moment. I know once she finds out about this she is going to kick me ass. Not to concern about that right now. I have been in such a downward spiral for way to long not to enjoy this moment. The balance is still way off but I am trying to live in the moment. I need to express this feeling, this different mood, I think ya call it happiness. Happiness is a delusion that I desperately try to cling on to and at the moment I got it by the neck and I am winning this battle. So happiness sorry for you bud, cause your here to stay for at least a few hours. This leaves me with much to learn and much to enjoy. The sun will come up tomorrow and I will take a breath, hopefully, look over at my old lady and go meet the day. Tomorrow I have a big day with a good job prospect and a day with my children. I hope these stains of utter despair and emotional sabotage won't leave to bad of an imprint on my children's lives and personalities. When you have lost it all the sky is the limit. The world is born again and I am allowed to rise from the ashes like a phoenix and leave my mark on this world. I am not bitter like I would think I would be. Losing everything, memento's, pictures, childhood toys, my kid's toys, etc... I have learn that I will always have my memories and the ability to make new ones of my family and friends. I have much to learn and appreciate and I thank god for everything he has given me and taken as well. I didn't deserve it, I didn't learn my lessons. Everything happens for a reason, for hindsight is twenty twenty. Everything is precious cause we are here to realize that it is. 
Sobering up is for the birds. Not two seconds after I took a break from writing this did life find out I was in a good mood and knocked my teeth down my throat. I haven't been to current with my current events so here go the cliff notes. Me and my old lady had a bit of a misunderstanding about a month ago. This lead to someone having to our current living situation. The kind folks that were opening their home to us didn't want this drama unfolding in their home. So it was advised to us that one of us had to leave to settle down the situation. My old lady took off to a supposed friend's house which I knew was complete bull shit. I come to find out that she was lying to me like my gut instructed me from the get go.  Let's just say it was a very inappropriate peace for a married woman to be at. These inappropriate situations are a common theme throughout our marriage lately and because of it I have been advised by practically everyone in my life to get out of dodge. The reasoning has always been in my head. One plus One equals two and there is no room for anyone else in this equation. So when you shove a one plus one plus one it become unbalanced and chaos ensues. My heart has a gambit of scars and memories enough for a few lifetimes. Forgiveness is something that is running scarce these days. Well a certain person from this inappropriate place she was staying at send me a few pics that devastated my world. My heart start pounding so hard it felt like I had a jackhammer in my chest. My eyes swelled as my pain manifested into tears and flowed like water. Once again a nightmare had become a reality. Alice Cooper's song welcome to my nightmare plays in my head echoing as my mind goes blank with devastation. My old lady eyes freeze with panic and the air becomes thick with tension. She goes to deny it put there is nothing she can do or say to change the images burned in my mind for eternity. My eyes run in every directions screaming to jump out of my head as the source of pain gets closer to comfort me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry she says. These words are empty with sentiment to my ears, as years of such words have grown cold and useless. What now, what now. My brain is on fire as I try to process this once again. I am replaceable, I am not good enough, I am nothing, I am not loved, I am not needed, I am in pain, I am to suffer, I am back here again, I am stupid. Such phases paint themselves in the halls of my mind, so with every passing I can't help but to noticed them on my way to my journey. I wish I was drunk right now. Being sober is for the fucking birds..

“Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.” 
-Violetta Parra-


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 87-Athazagoraphobia, look it up if your curious

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Once again the trials of life have gotten the best of me. I feel like I am drowning in pool in front of a crowd of people. True story by the way, in my case. I was about 11 yrs old and we were down from New Jersey on one of our routine Florida vacations. I was feeling quite brave day that and decide that I was going to swim in the deep end of the pool that day. It was me, my sisters, my cousins, mom, dad and my uncle. There were like freaking 12 people at the people just bullshiting. I get the bright idea of trying to swim across the middle part of the dead end of the pool only to lose my concentration and start inhaling water. Drowning and the prospect of dying are quite fascinating. Don't get me wrong I highly don't recommend it and I was shitting my pants. Every sound around when on mute and my soul started screaming, but the fear was so paralyzing that I was quiet as a mouse spewing "help..help...someone...help". My soul was screaming at the top of it lungs as gallon and gallon of dirty chlorine water filled my mouth and down my throat. I was in full panic mode. I was telling myself  "this is not happening to me, this is a dream, I still have to get up tomorrow and live out the rest of my life, I haven't had sex yet, I am going to miss the taste of hamburgers and pizza, I am never going to drive, I am never going to see my family again. All these horrible thoughts expanded themselves in my mind, as my eyes widen and the light started to fade from my skull. I took what felt like was my last breath, as the weight of the water in my body started to sink me like an anchor. I turn to see my parents one more time and I hear the wonderful scream of my mother. "OMG HE IS DROWNING!!!" I go under as I feel the waves from dad jumping into the pool and frantically swimming to my bloated body. I suddenly get a sudden burst of energy and lounge into his arms. My body went limp when I knew he had me and wasn't going to let go. In a sea of people in the middle of what felt like a sea to me, I almost became extinct. This athazagoraphobia of mine has haunted me in every aspect of my life. 

That story of my youth is just a brief example of how minuscule my existence felt. I have always felt replaceable. My current situation seems to follow that pattern. I just have reunited with my old lady again in what feels like an eternity of  fights and patches. I love her so very much, but this exchange of love and hate and taken its toll on me and her and our family. My current situation in life is a testament of the aftermath of what a decade of this kind of behavior does. I am homeless without my children and for a short period time without my old lady as well. Unfortunately most people want to get going when the tough gets going. A lesson I will soon never forget, but we as human beings are constantly flawed and recovering from such things. Such flaws leave everlasting scars that fucking hurt and when you don't address them they sometimes fester and come at you all at once. This has been happening a lot lately. Utter desperation and loneliness in a crowded room. Rivers of tears and pain. Destroying and drowning whatever foundation of hope and happiness that took me so long to build and washes me ashore to only start again. But as I sit here writing this to you that little glimmer of hope speaks in my ear, "its going to get better cause your all ready at rock bottom and can only look up." Things that once brought a smile to my face just aggravated the shit out of me. Its a very trying time and I guess what doesn't kill makes you stronger right. I just wanna punch the fucker who came up with that saying right now is all...lol.

At some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind ‒ graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens. And if you are very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last ‒ and yet will remain with you for life.Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 86-A new year of shortcomings....I hope not...I plan not...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today

I was racking my brain on what subject matter to write about. Everyone of course is trying to start this new year with a clean slate of failures from the previous year. We constantly are reminded of what to buy and what to invest our time into by mass media. We feed into the hype we are all gun hoe and give a 100 percent for like a week, maybe two and if we are really determine a whole month. What about the other eleven months or those days that we are so sore or tempted by all that sugar and goodies. So I started to break down what really matters. We all start living ford the future and forget to live in the now. The small things that we take for granted that all ready shape our lives as of now. So I came across these few items today pissing around.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight