I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
Once again the trials of life have gotten the best of me. I feel like I am drowning in pool in front of a crowd of people. True story by the way, in my case. I was about 11 yrs old and we were down from New Jersey on one of our routine Florida vacations. I was feeling quite brave day that and decide that I was going to swim in the deep end of the pool that day. It was me, my sisters, my cousins, mom, dad and my uncle. There were like freaking 12 people at the people just bullshiting. I get the bright idea of trying to swim across the middle part of the dead end of the pool only to lose my concentration and start inhaling water. Drowning and the prospect of dying are quite fascinating. Don't get me wrong I highly don't recommend it and I was shitting my pants. Every sound around when on mute and my soul started screaming, but the fear was so paralyzing that I was quiet as a mouse spewing "help..help...someone...help". My soul was screaming at the top of it lungs as gallon and gallon of dirty chlorine water filled my mouth and down my throat. I was in full panic mode. I was telling myself "this is not happening to me, this is a dream, I still have to get up tomorrow and live out the rest of my life, I haven't had sex yet, I am going to miss the taste of hamburgers and pizza, I am never going to drive, I am never going to see my family again. All these horrible thoughts expanded themselves in my mind, as my eyes widen and the light started to fade from my skull. I took what felt like was my last breath, as the weight of the water in my body started to sink me like an anchor. I turn to see my parents one more time and I hear the wonderful scream of my mother. "OMG HE IS DROWNING!!!" I go under as I feel the waves from dad jumping into the pool and frantically swimming to my bloated body. I suddenly get a sudden burst of energy and lounge into his arms. My body went limp when I knew he had me and wasn't going to let go. In a sea of people in the middle of what felt like a sea to me, I almost became extinct. This athazagoraphobia of mine has haunted me in every aspect of my life.
That story of my youth is just a brief example of how minuscule my existence felt. I have always felt replaceable. My current situation seems to follow that pattern. I just have reunited with my old lady again in what feels like an eternity of fights and patches. I love her so very much, but this exchange of love and hate and taken its toll on me and her and our family. My current situation in life is a testament of the aftermath of what a decade of this kind of behavior does. I am homeless without my children and for a short period time without my old lady as well. Unfortunately most people want to get going when the tough gets going. A lesson I will soon never forget, but we as human beings are constantly flawed and recovering from such things. Such flaws leave everlasting scars that fucking hurt and when you don't address them they sometimes fester and come at you all at once. This has been happening a lot lately. Utter desperation and loneliness in a crowded room. Rivers of tears and pain. Destroying and drowning whatever foundation of hope and happiness that took me so long to build and washes me ashore to only start again. But as I sit here writing this to you that little glimmer of hope speaks in my ear, "its going to get better cause your all ready at rock bottom and can only look up." Things that once brought a smile to my face just aggravated the shit out of me. Its a very trying time and I guess what doesn't kill makes you stronger right. I just wanna punch the fucker who came up with that saying right now is all...lol.
At some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind ‒ graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens. And if you are very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last ‒ and yet will remain with you for life.Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.
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