page 65-Trying to close the faucet

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -Bob Ettinger

I was sitting at subway with Mr veggie in my hand and my electronic bud Mr galaxy tab in my other hand. As my line of sight drifted from my crusty dead looking feet I notice this couple. They were having lunch together sitting about a foot apart. I was jealous of what my eyes were consuming. They were both on their phones and not paying a lick if attention to each other. Was it a comfort thing? Is it a falling out of love and just settling thing? Was it we are so in love we can kick it like this? Because of what I been through and going through I've learned to look for these questions. Look for there answers as well. I had something like that not to long ago. I took a lot of the aspects of having a relationship for granted. I never stop loving her I did that right. I never stop being loyal and faithful as well. I took our time for granted. I expect her there no matter what. I wanted it all without putting in the work. Its a recipe for failure is what that is. As enlightening as my day was darkness is always around the corner ready to leave its mark. It definitely made its presence known in the manifestation of body wash. Yep body wash body wash, Wal-Mart, coochie spray, memories, anxiety and finally sadness. That's about the order it went down. I was shopping last night in the worst possible place, Wal-Mart. The caliber of dumb fucks that congregate in this cesspool of bargins and cheap Chinese manufacturing is unbearable. If it's so bad why do I shop there you may ask? Well I'm not rich or even well off and they got great bargains, lol. So as I maneuver my chariot of a cart I make my rounds. I get some groceries, some school supplies, I even get me a cool new phone on clearance at galf the price. Other than the customers and the employees it was a decent experience. As they say all good things must come to an end. As I pedal my flip flop ass to the checkout I get this brilliant fucking idea to get some extra body wash cause the kids burn through it like wildfire. Also being the Virgo I am I always like to plan ahead and be ready for any unexpected situation. So like any other routine go down the isle, go the item, grab it in and off I go. Hawaiian breeze. I stop like a deer in headlights. My body starts to tingle and my breathing starts accelerating at record speed. I start to see spots like small tiny fireworks. The pressure in my chest at the moment is unbearable. Its her again. She's baaaaccckkkk.... All day I did real good. I was keeping busy. I was talking to multiple people all day keeping my emotions in check. Hell she even called me several times and left a voice mail. I handled that pretty well. 

But this isn't fair. The memories of our life came pouring in like water out of a faucet. Her smile and laughter engulfed my heart and soul for that moment. I could feel her fingers intertwined with mine as we walked together in that moment that was our life. Then it was gone. Like a ghost that came to haunt me. I thought I have shed all my allotted tears for her all ready. I was completely ill prepared for this. It took all my strength to keep walking without collapsing. My breathing got heavier and quicker. Not a good combo at all. I tried avoiding eye contact as much as possible. I guess they are called scars for a reason. I recovered quickly cause the checkout girl had amazing brown eyes of a goddess. A voice of an angel and a smile that gave me comfort for that brief moment. Her name was Cara. I'm bad with names but for those 2 minutes we exchanged pleasantries I held on to that nametag as I weathered my storm. As I walked out of the store and into my car I realized I'll be ok. Its ok to cry, its ok to miss her, its ok to be sad. I'm going home to my babies and she was part of that. There's nothing wrong going home to the people you love. I have found more riches in losing so much than I have ever imagined. 

"Take my hand And lead me to salvation Take my love For love is everlasting And remember The truth that once was spoken To love another person Is to see the face of God."

- Jean Valjean

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 64-People with clenched fits can not shake hands..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

in·stinct

noun

1 : a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity <had an instinct for the right word>

2 a : a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason 

b : behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level

Screaming is all I hear. Pain and anguish if a small child lashing out to the world.How can this be ignored. How can a parent senses not go into overdrive to release and medicate this child's misery. My niece who's 2 was at my house cause my sister had to go to work. I walk in the house and my mother is changing her. She apparently had a painful diaper rash. Those screams painted a scene of murder in my mind. We can't stop pain just as we can't stop the sun from rising. Her crying brings me back to yesterday where pain was afflicted onto more children. Unfortunately this kind of pain could have been avoided. The victims this time were my very own children. The perpetrator sadly to say thier own flesh and blood. Thier mother. Before this incident went down me and the old lady I thought had come to some kind of truce. If was like 2 days prior and like clockwork we were up to our necks in venom and shit from what was being thrown around. I came to a point with all of this. This bickering these injustices will never fully come to justice. Never be made right, never made undone. I give her a ring and I pitched her this proposal. I said look I'm exhausted from this senseless pointless waste of time and energy. The bottom line is the kids safety and well being. We both love them and want what's best for them. So through a series of similar dialogue we came to terms with the philosophy of civility for the better good. As I hung up the phone with her I immediately started the clock.

Cause just like a tiger can change its stripes, neither could she. The bomb was going to go off just didn't know when or how. Boom! Boom! Boom! The chaos is all encompassing. When your in it your blinded by pain and rage. My body constricts and trembles from the pressure. My mind plunges into darkness thriving on striking back to the enemy. My Mr Hyde comes out to play. We are in the devil's playground and recess has yet begun. She has a go at me cause I won't bring our son to visit her. Her lack of transportation is not my concern or fucking problem. She's a big girl. I'm a big boy. We fend for ourselves now. There is no more we. There no more sharing. As it is her pattern she threatens to remove my son from me and his sisters. This is her ace in the hole. This about control not love. He starts crying begging me not to let her take him. The scenario of my screaming niece and the hopelessness that accompanies it filled my heart. Mr Hyde wants to inflict this suffering to her. Maybe the pain will kick in her supposed instincts if a parent to protect one's child from suffering. It seemed the more pain I tried to inflict the stronger and more vicious her psychosis became. It was like dealing with a hulk of some sort. An unstoppable force of chaos and destruction. Eventually the tears of my children brought me back to Mr daddy. She was coming for him. She was coming for him. All I could do at that moment was to sit and wait for it to happened. We waited and waited.  

The stillness of the aftermath was unsettling. Every shadow every sound through my nerves into overdrive. I couldn't imagine what was going through that poor boy's mind. Yet another scar and he still has a long life ahead of him. Yet another disturbance in the function of a supposed loving relationship. This is not normal. This is far from ever being right. Just like evil it doesn't have the will to constantly fight for victory. But the damage is done and its profound. What you put out in this world is what you receive back. I will continue to fight for what is right for them and in the end I will be successful. My actions will speak volumes. As for her she has to tell her own story. I just think at this point no one is left who cares to hear. Her problem not mine. These are the days in my life. Never a dull moment. Never....

"People with clenched fists can not shake hands."

- Indira Nehru Gandhi

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 63-Let out the posion

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

I was going to write something with a purpose. Instead I'm a salad bowl of mixed up emotions. I'm irritated. I'm sad. I'm feeling better about myself. I got a small hop to my step. I am optimistic. I'm alert. I'm combing through my past. I'm drooling about my possible future. I'm horny yet satisfied. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious and slightly calm. I'm not hungry but want candy. I'm alone but I'm finding this thing called sanity. I'm writing this stupid list with no way to end it. I'm looking up instead of the floor. I'm starting to notice the female specimen. I'm speaking my mind, I'm guarding my heart. I'm envisioning my incline not my decline. I'm remembering the events of my continuous pain. I'm learning ways to heal thoses wounds. I'm seeking advice. I'm listening more. I enjoy the silence of life and the story that plays out in its stillness. I pray more. I feel more. I'm feeling much better writing this shit down. I just got interrupted by my broski. She knows who she is. She's a sweet kid. She keeps my anxiety levels down. Now I'm off track. My rage and venom levels have dropped and my inspirational rant has come to a crawling stop. I have so many things going on that I don't know where to start. My marriage is definitely over. My kids mental stability is high on my concern list. My haterd and love for my old lady varies and intertwine constantly. My mom is amazing and gets on my godloving nerves. My friends are amazing.There are so many beautiful woman out there that I'm finally starting to notice. My heart has hardened quicker than I expected. I'm having a lot easier time expressing my feelings and the fear is diminishing quite nicely. The fear of interactions, intimacy and socializing are fading. For ever word I type ten escape me. Well enough of this schizophrenic pattern of thoughts. Its all I got in me guys. If you got any complaints. Please, please send your complaints and concerns to 100 who gives a shit ave, your a moron for continuing to read this United states of stupidly. Just kidding guys I love you all....for now. Be safe and remember we are as rich as the company we keep.

"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't."
- Erica Jong

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 62-Don't touch me in my private..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

On my last post I was talking to my friend about the old lady. As the conversation proceeded it went into another direction. There came a point when the friendship almost mutated into romantic one. We met on Xbox live like 3 years ago. I still remember how the conversation went. I joined a random game on my favorite left 4 dead 2. The game sets up a lobby where you wait for other players to join. The norm is to general introduce yourself self by saying the person's gamertag and then saying do you talk. My usual response is to say, no I don't talk. Well this particular night I was gaming all night trying to escape my miserable existence at the time. Before I could say anything she comes out with hey do you wanna be our pimp? I'm instantly intrigued by this comment. I say hell yeah I wanna be your pimp and the rest is history as they say. To say the least we definitely flirted with each other while balancing the line and not crossing it. Well fast forward to January of this year. Me and the old lady had just split up a couple of weeks prior and I was a blubbering mess. Me and this friend are on the phone as I once again go into the ongoing drama of my life. She suddenly springs on me " I'm coming down to see you!" Of course my initial reaction was to blow it off. Before I can say bullshit she is on her way down from Missouri. As I commence to shit myself my panic mode engulfs my head and then my chest. I was a cocky bastard on the phone and internet but real life I'm a pussy.

So I go the full nine. I get her a hotel room. I stock the room with food and I get me a bottle of vodka. The time of destiny arrives. She comes out of the car and gives me a big hug. I'm paralyze with fear. I grab her things and take them to the room. I sit at the table with my hands folded like the first day of kindergarten. She starts talking to me. I start to slowly open the vodka as if I was handling plastic explosives. One drink, two drinks, quarter of the bottle and finally half of it down the hatch. I'm a slurring, emotional shell of a man at this point. My intent was to relax a bit so I can be myself. I wasn't even close to that. I start crying in front of her! Fucking crying as if my panties were on to tight! "Why did she do this to me?" "I love her so much!" "How can she do this to me again." "I was suppose to die with her holding my hand." Blah, blah, blah! I start banging my head against the wall eventually collapsing on the floor and falling asleep in a puddle of my tears. Do I make first impressions or what. To her credit she didn't leave will I was unconscious to the world. We hung out for a few days held hands and slept in the same bed. Nothing, nothing came close to happening. Believe it or not, I had my old lady ingrained in my heart and soul. I could not genuinely make a move if my intentions were not honest. This is another human being, another set of stories and feelings. Not a play thing not a vessel by far. 

She ended up leaving a few days later. We spent our time together hanging out, laughing and really becoming better friends. To this day I haven't been made to feel as wonderful as she made me feel. I bring all this up cause this triggered something the other day. I was talking to her about her time here with me. I asked her if I had made a move those nights we slept in the same bed how far would have it gone. She immediately shutdown my illusions of me being a Rico suave type in the moment. She did it gently but shut me down none the less. I countered with if she made a move I would've been ok with cause it was happening. Its was ok cause it was happening. I froze my conversation with her all the sudden. I felt like I was giving an out of body experience and I was summoned to a time and place in my past. I was witnessing a deviant act of my childhood. He was on top me grinding himself and shoving his tongue down my throat. I can still taste his saliva in my mouth. I must of been like 8 at the time. Why am I making out with a guy? I don't like this! I don't want this! Why am I having an erection when I wasn't enjoying this at all? Its ok cause it was happening I told myself. As I hovered watching this I could hear my own thoughts. "If I pretend to enjoy it maybe it won't be as long as last time." "Maybe he won't ask me to pull my underwear down this time." "I'm really scared." "He's really doing it rough!" "Does he think I'm a girl right now cause this feels really wrong!"

I have to stop right now cause I feel nauseous. Why are these moments reappearing in my mind? What good will come of this horrifying experiences? I go to therapy to try to sort this out. Anyone with children reading this right now please watch them like a hawk. Anyone or everyone can be a potential threat of this nature. We are extremely complex evil, good beings. We have moments of poor judgment and impulse. We are God and the devil at all times. Its always grey never black and white. 

"It does not take sharp eyes to see the sun and the moon, nor does it take sharp ears to hear the thunderclap. Wisdom is not obvious. You must see the subtle and notice the hidden to be victorious."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 61-Withdrawls..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I'm sitting on a Wal-Mart bench inside one of the super stores. I'm waiting on someone. I take a brief walk to burn some nervous energy. I'm anxious and a bit shaken. Let me turn the clock back a few days ago. I believe it was Tuesday. I was feeling good, getting things accomplished. I was my emotions in check and my days were getting brighter. Phone starts ringing. Ring, ring, ring. I get this panic feeling. My stomach feels suicidal as it tries to eat itself. I wanna throw up. I glance over to the phone and confirm my diagnosis of my symptoms. Its my old lady calling. Every single time I go through these symptoms. Its unnatural, almost evil. My first thought is I'm not letting her ruin my day. I don't need to talk to her. I pick up the phone and hand over immediately like a hot potato to my daughter. I safe for now. The phone makes its rounds like usual. There's something off. There's excitement in their voices. My heart accelerates my world comes to a pause. "Mommy is back, mommy is back we are going to see mommy!" My nightmare come true. How can this be. Last I talked to her she was 2400 miles away. I was safe from her presence. I could get stronger and stronger. But its not to be. As if she knows my life is on the rise and and she has to level it off down to her level. I know carry this constant anxiety jacket waiting for the next point of contact. I need a defense plan for me and the kids like yesterday. 

Her popping up like this rekindled a mess of emotion I thought I put to bed. My body seems to naturally do its own thing. The shakes, dry mouth, and increasingly high heart rate. It felt like I was going through withdrawals and she was my fix. Oh god I don't want to relapse.  I was talking to my friend about this recent series of events and she brought up an interesting point. She started talking about obsession. She told me all I talk about is her. I stopped and digested what she had brought to the table. Am I obsessive about her? Have I been approaching this the wrong way? I did some research on this.

ob·ses·sion
noun
1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation <an obsession with profits>
2 : something that causes an obsession

Sometimes, we become obsessed because we believe that one person we are obsessing over is the only person who will ever love us or we believe they are our "one true love." Never think of anyone in that way--that is only an ideal, not truth. If it didn't work out, then it most likely wasn't meant to be.
Remember the way that person treated you and others. Don't focus on the good parts.
Realize that the need for a partner can be based on something else--maybe low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, or inability to connect with other people in a way that is outside of a romantic relationship.
Remember that while you are obsessing over this person, you are missing out on a person who is probably better for you in addition to other parts of life that you could be enjoying.
Stop making excuses for why they didn't call, didn't email you back, made you feel bad, or any other negative way they might have treated you. Don't ever think they are sitting around thinking about you--because, even if you are an incredible person, he/she is probably wrapped up in their own life. If they feel interested in you, they will take the initiative to contact you. Since they are not doing that, it means they are not interested in you.
Get rid of pictures of that person and avoid fantasizing about them. No one deserves incomplete love or a shadow of love.
I started identity with all these points. I a fucking creep!
Everything is my old lady this my old lady that! People are probably ready to vomit if I was to say another sentence about her. I'm just a passionate person about my passions and she was one of them. So my new word to describe me about her is creepy dysfunctional love. Now I'm ready to vomit! 

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."
- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, Epistle Dedicatory

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 60-The past, present and future

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.

-confucius-

On my way home tonight I started racking my brain on what was on my mind. In the process of doing this I tend to window shop. Window shopping is when I start looking at that houses I'm driving by. I see a nice home, a nice sedan or a big truck I instantly think success. They must of succeeded to afford such luxurious things. I see a two story house with a well manicure lawn I think these people must have their ducks in a row. I start imagining there daily routine. Mom and dad go to work. The kids are in private school. The kids walk their pedigree caliber dog. Everyone is respectful and courteous. They have amazing vacations, football practice, prom and so on and so on. I get these illusions in my head off a split second view of material possession. In our society we are trained as children to idolize our possession. The nicer it is the more we crave it. The more the emptiness widens. The more we detach and numb ourselves to the purpose and beauty of life. The hellos and kisses goodbye. The I love you we throw with around with no caution. Someone genuinely asking you "how are you today?" The unexpected gift or phone call from that special someone that just makes your day thst much brighter. To me these are some of things that make life worth living and suffer for. The most important things in life ain't things. Simple, powerful and everlasting truthful. That's how I try to live now. Cause a day will come when my time is up and I will no longer have anymore options.

I had my moment I've been waiting for Saturday night. As usual I was in agony about my situation about my old lady. The turmoil within me and around me was overwhelming. It seem the harder I tried the more I wallowed in it. Something had to give. There had to be a monumental shift. That shift happened that night. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I spoke with father earlier in the day and got that great advice, not knowing the ripple effect it would have. I was speaking to a friend that night giving her an update status. I told her that shit had hit the fan between me and the old lady. Worst fight we ever had. Ten years of frustration and regrets reared its ugly head. Insults to the degree of drop dead, you were bad in bed, your only good for what's between your legs, your a bad mom, a horrendous wife, no one likes you, your the devil and so on. She also fired back the same feelings. I will admit I started it and finished it as well. Of course later on I felt awful about my behavior even thou I believed what I said to be true. Nonetheless it could have been handle in a much better manner. As I continued my sob story, her husband walked into the house. Look I'm not generally a religious or spiritual guy by any stretch of the imagination. I say this disclaimer cause her husband is known to be a prophetic person. I mean when I meet him ten years ago he told me I was going to have two daughters with my old lady. We were dating for two months when he told me this. 

I now have two beautiful daughters. Throughout the years we have run into each other. I never once thought of asking him about another vision. Well the other night in passing I did. I said jokingly "hey what do you see happening these days cause its a total mess!" He really didn't say much and wrapped up my conversation with my friend. Ten minutes later I get this voice mail from saying to call him. Oh shit! Oh shit, careful what you ask for cause you , might just get it. He said that he doesn't see my old lady in my future. That he sees death walk with her. The hairs on the back of my neck are at attention right now! That God has been trying to do his will but I kept interfering. That I can't do this. That's why I kept failing. That I need to submit to him and I will succeed. I will do what I was born to do. He said he sees another woman in my life. That we will share a child between us. I started to cry as these words came out of his mouth. Like medicine for the pain I felt the pressure at the center of my chest evaporate. I had thought to myself recently about possibly having another child with someone else. Other people had told similar antidotes. To much of the same thing is not fluke. I to had felt these things put I do my best to discredit any validity in my mind. He finished the conversation by telling me to go home and pray and submit myself. So I thanked him and hung up the phone. I drove my happy ass home and got on my knees for the first time in 25 years.

I talked and I felt for the first time someone was listening. I released the weight of my world. I admitted I am no superman. I stripped my soul of the chains that have bound me to her. My heart eas at peace. Not my problem anymore. Not my problem anymore. I slept like a baby for the first time in a long time. What's this feeling, happiness? I guess I'll learn as I go....to be continue...

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

confucius-

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 59-The Raccoon

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also."

- Carl Gustav Jung

I meant to finish this yesterday but could not. So all these feelings are from yesterday. End of disclaimer. Today is another disappointment. Another anxious filled day. The last couple of days have been emotionally wavy. The outburst of tears with no sadness in mind. The constant pressure in the center of my chest. The vision of eternal loneliness and emptiness. The short movies of past transgressions that give this illusion of what I interpreted at the time as quote unquote "happiness." I feel like a hostage in my own mind. This thing this continuous cycle of memories, hopes and dreams torment me. The hope and dreams are the worst cause they're so unrealistic. I think of this remedy everytime I feel blue. There's this dead raccoon in the middle of the street. His furry corpse rotting away for all to see. His internal organs cooking like an egg on a frying pan in this god forsaking heat. I think where are his love ones? Did he or she live a full life? Did it have children? If so did they mourn its death? All of this is for nothing. Even I have detached myself by eventually calling this once living creature it. This raccoon is my happy pill. I'll explain. No matter how down and out I feel. No matter how bad I think I have it. It could never be as bad as that raccoon. Being dead and ignored waiting to be picked up by a shovel is far, far worse than any mood I could possibly be in. So I think raccoon I think the sun is bright, I feel the warm air on my skin, I hear the voices of joy and unfiltered happiness. My children, I'm good. Life is not that bad. Poor raccoon. 

On a other note I spoke to my dad today. I make a point of this cause it's unfortunately a thing I don't do enough. I haven't called him in like 3 months. I constantly think that when he's gone I'll regret not have spoken to him more. I need to work on that. Anyways I wanted to pick his brain about his and mom's divorce. Its been 20 freak in years just like that. I wanted his advice. I wanted to know how he processed his pain and became the happy man he is today. He started off saying that it was the hardest thing he ever had to go through. That he has never loved again the same way he loved my mom. That everything happens for a reason. I said that if I got a divorce would that be allowed in God's eyes. I made a commitment in front of God, friends and family. He said that I held my end of the deal and that she would have to answer for her actions. I can not be responsible for her indiscretions. That in the bible it says death and adultery are loopholes for divorce. She definitely fits the bill for one of them and she's not dead. A sense of relief came over my heart and mind. I can put this to bed and say I did everything possible to reconcile this marriage. I can meet my maker and look him in the eye and be at peace with this. My dad also told me that you never wanna force anything. Can't change someone to fit your ways. Its like eating something you don't like. Chances are that your going to throw up after your done. 

So with this angle and much needed light, the road I travel grows lighter. My vision and reflexes are a little sharper. My steps are less labored. My smile grows a little wider. I am going to sleep a little harder. So when I wake up tomorrow and the next day and so on, I will have this mantra. I have the love of my children, my family, my friends and finally most important, love for myself. Cause I deserve and will achieve better. Don't ever take what you have for granted, remember raccoon, remember raccoon. 

“Not only is there often a right and wrong, but what goes around does come around, Karma exists, chickens do come home to roost, and as my mother, Phyllis, liked to say, “There is always a day of reckoning.” The good among the great understand that every choice we make adds to the strength or weakness of our spirits—ourselves, or to use an old fashioned word for the same idea, our souls. That is every human’s life work: to construct an identity bit by bit, to walk a path step by step, to live a life that is worthy of something higher, lighter, more fulfilling, and maybe even everlasting.”

 ― Donald Van de Mark

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 58-There is no cure for suffering..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"You can't put a Band-Aid on every boo-boo you've made some just need time to heal..."
- Christina Montano

I have this uncanny ability to want to believe what people tell me. I guess I'm gullible. My therapist told me I'm a very compassionate. My friends have voiced thier opinions of me playing the fool or love's idiot. My family just shakes their heads most of the time. I personally think I'm a combination of the two. Today has been a mess of a day. My emotions are getting the best or worst of me I'm not sure anymore.  As I get more and more confirmation of what a sham of marriage I apparently had I start to think. I think about what many roads I have traveled to get where I am today. My body and soul feel so worn out that I seem to lack the strength to continue my steps.  I start digesting my life hoping that it doesn't upset my life force to badly. Why was I so trusting of her? Why did I adore such a false idol? She was definitely my siren. Her song was mesmerizing. I would of died a thousand death just to get near her. I would of loved her to the ends of the earth. That's apparently was her power and my weakness. Being devoted to such a vessel in the end will leave one broken and hollow. Hollow for the poison to take its affect. Hollow to have the illusions fill my eyes with promise and my head with hope. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. In order for there to be life, death must be allowed as well. Pain is what makes you know your alive. Love is what makes our bodies one and our souls feel like we are divine. In our time in our loneliness we are force to face ourselves.  The purpose of our work, our words, why blood runs through our veins.  We may cover we may hide. We may stumble we may cry. No drug or god can makes us immune for the crimes we try. Balance is always achieved no matter how little or hard we deny. Cause when you wake, you sleep, you walk in stride. Your conscience will speak, your heart will beat, and the soul can't never nullify. Your true self is immortal for the body rots, your bones crack and your blood vanishes in the soil we lay. Remember your actions always have an audience for words are composed internally and fall to the waste side. The truth is heavy and ugly but bears no fruits that are poisonous or lie. You follow your instincts you feed your desires at any price. My mind wanders these words are my lifeline. I stick enough of these words together feelings emerge and sometimes they even shine. Emotions are the building blocks of life and the wrecking ball at the same time. You have followed me so far I hope you don't mind my sanity ,my weakness my mess of a life. I dream and pray like others while lacking the ability to step up and rise. The solution is in my hands, in my heart, in my spirit,  but I make it more complex for reasons no one knows why. I leave you now with more questions and less time. The hour glass grows empty with no more sand to buy us excuses or lifetimes.

 We ignore each other and try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down we know it wasn't supposed to end like this. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 57-My bullshit meter is full

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Lesson of Time - KARMA Lesson of Time - Karma When a bird is alive. It eats Ants, When the bird is dead... Ants eat the bird. Time & Circumstances can change at any time. Don't devalue or hurt anyone in life. You may be powerful today. But remember, Time is more powerful than you! One tree makes a million match sticks... Only one match match stick needed to burn a million trees... So be good and do good. "

I've been in a non writing mood lately.  I've failed more than I've succeeded in life to this point. I don't want to fail at this. I enjoy writing very much so. It purifies my soul one word at a time. It allows me to convert the venom inside of me into something useful.  My life, my direction feels like its turning for the better. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. Therapy is going so well. It been an enlightening one session at a time. My heart beats a little less painful one beat at a time. My life quota of lies and deceit have reached thier limit concerning my old lady. I am worthy of respect. I'm worthy of admiration. I'm worthy of a life without constant heartache and sadness.  It's time for me to tell the story of the victim. The victim who will no longer accept the abuse from the monster. No more sympathies for the devil.  Time to begin to write the story of the phoenix.  I will rise from ashes to leave a blaze in the sky for all to see. The details of this slow and painful transformation are coming. I want it to play out a little more before I unleash hell and all my fury. My blindness and point of view have lead awry. I found these comments interesting about my recent blogs. I'm all about both sides of the coin.

Friend:
Oh my gosh, is she still reminding people of that day?! I wish she would think of that day in terms of God intervening in her life and giving her a second chance, which she just blew off and instead down spiraled into sin and disobedience to Him. God did not save her to live the life she's living now. Sorry. My sympathy for this one event ran out long ago. But, hey, at least she got the hospitals to prescribe her some more drugs because of it.  
Me:
Your right he didn't save her to live this kind of life 
Friend:
Yep. Sorry if I seem mean about it. Just her reminding you of the date seemed like a play on your sympathy. I've been in car accidents, too, and lived through other tragedies as well, but I don't mark the dates and remind people of them constantly.  
Me:
Everything happens for a reason, to bad she's blind to the obvious ones No worries your version of mean is very gentle but yeah the sympathetic card is one she has played all her life

Friend 2:
OH man I have read your last two posts and I want to kick you in your shin. You are downplaying the horror of your life prior to the accident and using the horror of what she caused as something to blame yourself for ...as usual. You needed those three days to pull yourself together to face the carnage that she had created it wasn't just the anger it was total fear. Dude I was there never try to shit a shitter. I am able to look at the pictures and not feel one bit sorry for her she is and was an addict and that's it. No more excuses no more pity parties for her. Stop,, try feeling sorry for you and your kids. She is no little sad girl she depends on her sad story to get people to do things for her. Get over it and start telling your story with a happy ending. ooh one of these days bang zoom right in the head

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies probably because they are generally the same people."
- G. K. Chesterton

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 56-The day the world stood still part 2

My heart sinked, my mouth dried up, I got numb. This ain't happening, no this is not real, why is this guy fucking with me, this isn't funny. Then the coldness of reality made the hairs on the back of neck rise. I hear the blades of the chopper. Oh my god she's going to die on the phone, I'm not there to comfort her. I'm not there to wipe the glass off her chest and look into her beautiful eyes. "The chopper is here she's still semi-conscious do you want to talk to her?". "I prayed with her before I called you, its bad but I'm been here with her the whole time." With all the courage and feeling I could squeeze out I exhaled "yes, please." With barley any strength in her voice she spoke. "Babe, I'm sorry, I'm scared, I'm under a semi." "Tell the babies I love them, I love you babe, I'm sorry." I reply the text book answer in complete shock,"It's okay babe, your going to be fine." "Your going to make it so you can tell them yourself, I love you." Her voice evaporates as she passes the phone off. The guy his name was John tells me that the paramedics are about to attempt to pull her out of the van. He continues to go on to describe the scene and soon enough his voice evaporates as well as I slowly drift into oblivion again . I can't remember anything else, next thing I know a few hours have gone by and I'm still in the same spot. Phone rings its the hospital asking my permission to inflate her lung cause it collapsed.
The intensity of the situation no longer affects me like that initial phone call did. After finding out that she was out of the critical condition and stable I made my arrangements. I was on the horn announcing yet again another disaster. I was overwhelmed and lost. I can't imagine what was going through her head. Being alone in pain and broken. My anger kept manifesting at the stupidity of the event. Unfortunately I let it dictate my actions to the point where I didn't see her for 3 days after the accident. I'm not proud of that. I failed her as a friend, a husband and a human being. Not being there for her through one of the darkest moments in her life. At that moment in time being right or I told you so didn't solve a damn thing. My wife needed me and I was absent. It was not untill recently when I found myself hospitalized and she wasn't there for me did the magnitude of that decision sink in fully. Anger and resentment are poisonous aspects of life to carry. They can blind and cripple you without you even knowing. I couldn't even take care of my kids. The lights were on but nobody was home.
Once I got the kids squared away the day of visitation came. God was I scared. I was afraid to see the carnage of the trauma she had absorb. Once I got there I drove around the hospital for half an hour avoiding the inevitable. My feet felt like concrete walking in through those doors. The sounds of the machines that were supporting still haunt me. There she was put together with steel and wire. She was pale and bruised. Still had pieces of glass on her neck and in her hair. The emotion started to infiltrate my heart. The tears I wanted to cry for the last 3 days began escaping my soul. The guilt and remorse of me not being there for her overwhelmed me. She opened those intoxicating eyes of her and spoke "hey babe." I kissed her forehead and held her hand. I looked outside and saw the sun setting and the end of another day. Tomorrow will come and together we watched the sun remove all the darkness around us. The road we need to travel is in front of us. Hopefully we can endure the bumps and nights to see the sun rise and reward us with the beauty life has to offer.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 55-The day the world stood still

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I started this a few days ago and just finished it tonight. Since its such a large piece I'm breaking it up into two posts. I'm also adding pictures for the first time so we will see how it works out. Like a bad memory I completely forgot about today's date. July 29, 2010 about 9:30 in the morning. That's when I got the call. The call that changed my life. My pearl harbor, my 9/11. I can't believe it been 3 years already. My old lady just called me and as soon as she ask me what today is I snapped right into that moment. My mind is on overload hashing all of this up. So bare with if I wander. I was living in Palm Bay, Fl at the time which is on the east coast of the state. At the time of this event she was battling a lot pain issues that caused her to make a lot of bad choices. She frequently visited the E.R.'s in our area to the point where they started to refuse to give her pain medication. They pretty much called her a junkie. Was she I'm not sure. All I know it was a hectic time in our lives and I guess it was a matter of time before something like this was going to occur.
The day pior to the 29th we just acquired our very first family vehicle. The iconic soccer mom van. A lot of events had to happen just to buy the damn thing. First my good buddy held it for me even though he had a buyer willing to pay an extra $300. Second my mom called in some favors and came up with the 2 grand to pay for the van. As we drove the van home we start talking about this vaction, that vaction. Now riding with the kids will be less hectic cause there is more room. We were going to get a new car radio, dvd system for the kids, tinted windows, the whole nine yards. Its werid that van symbolizethe american dream,family and good vibes. Finally a win for us, mark it on the win column. I get woken up at 4 in the morning to her getting dressed. At first for a second I thought I was dreaming. She tells me that she's planning to drive to Kissimmee to go the hospital. I spring out of bed in a panic. First she is on medication, second not the greatest of drivers, and third Kissimmee is 70 miles away. I pleaded with her and try that this is a very bad idea. I had a very bad feeling about this. She leaves only to come back immediately cause the battery of the van is dead. There were no issues with the battery before and now magically there is. Yet another warning sign saying don't fucking go! Instead of taking the other car she wanted to take the van. It turns to be a life saving desicion. Against my better judgment I give the van a boost and she was gone in a flash. 
Little did I know it was the last time I would see her walk normal again. My head hits the pillow and as if seconds went by I'm woken up by the bickering of my children. Its 9:30 in the morning now t minus one hour till the call. I staggered out of bed like a bear out of hibernation. I make breakfast for the munchkins. I get on the Xbox and just relax. 10:27 I get a complaint. My daughter begins to snitch on her brother about god knows what this time. I slowly fall into oblivion as she goes on, ring, ring. Oh thank god saved by the bell, my phone is ringing. With much relief and gratitude I answer, "hello". With doubt and controlled panic he responses, "is this Richard? " My world start to slow down as I anticipate the downward spiral of this situation. "Yes it is, who is this?" "You don't know me but your wife asked me to call you she's been in a car accident." My initial reaction was not another fucking accident. I was so livid, I told you so was playing on a loop thru my head. Call me a son of a bitch for not thinking about her health first, but that's where I was emotionally and mentally at the moment. Not an excuse just the plain truth, as fucked up as it was at the time. Before I could finish my thought he continued " I called 911 already, she's pinned underneath a semi." The van size saved her life. As quickly as I was engulfed in anger, it quickly decimated in to anxiety and panic for her life. The thought of never seeing her again paralyzed me.

page 54-Got to save yourself

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Quit thinking that you must halt before the barrier of inner negativity. You need not. You can crash through...whatever we see a negative state, that is where we can destroy it."
- Vernon Howard

I was writing about the anniversity of my old lady far accident for the last 3 days. I've been a lazy fuck about writing lately. My mind seems to be dormant. My soul oblivious to my emotions and affairs. I think it's part of my defense mechanism. I don't think it's that bad of a thing. Everything needs rest even turmoil and chaos. As always thou eventually I get a wave of motivation. I am gushing with emotions at the moment. Ideas of death and time penetrate me like a knife. I feel I can't express enough of what's being process in my skull. My kids are weighing heavy on my heart at the moment. There vacant smiles and quiet moments that last seconds here and seconds there are eating awawy at me like cancer. Everyday that I spend with them is a day I'll never get back. I'm wasting these beautiful opportunities on my menusha. I understand I'm in bad place finally seeing some light. There love is unconditional. I learn so much from them on a daily basis. The I thanks yous or the I love yous, invigorate my soul. Them uttering the word daddy is still fucking awesome. All these little moments are slowly but surely gluing the pieces of my broken heart. Speaking of broken hearts, my old lady is also renting out space in my head at the moment as well.

re·demp·tion
noun
: the act, process, or an instance of redeeming
adjective
: serving to offset or compensate for a defect

What is love, marriage, forgiveness, evil? How do these words work themselves into my life and how much power do I give them. Each word can easily mix with the other creating nany combinations. I was raised in the Pentecostal system. I believe in forgiving your love ones. I have failed my friends, my family, and I'm pretty sure God. I have been forgiven multiple times and will to again in the future. I also have been screwed over and just plain done wrong. Unfortunately the biggest hypocrites I know have been people of the church. Redemption is a powerful and difficult thing. Is she capable of living right in my eyes, your eyes and God's? Anybody is capable of anything at anytime for all or none reasons. That what makes us saints or monsters and everything in between. I'm sure your wondering why am I preaching? I'm not I'm just introducing this side of myself. It's a side I'm not to comfortable showing but I am none the less. My old lady is in need of help and I saw this coming a while ago. I can't help anyone when I still am learning to care of me. You go to save the drowning victim and in the process they drown you. I will say this truthfully and with no fear. I do love her, I do worry, I do care. But she's made her bed and now has to lay in it. Growing pains, with mistakes comes solutions. We get answers when we are all out questions. Cause in the dark, in our hearts and in our dreams, is the truth haunting us constantly. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight