I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
I'm sitting on a Wal-Mart bench inside one of the super stores. I'm waiting on someone. I take a brief walk to burn some nervous energy. I'm anxious and a bit shaken. Let me turn the clock back a few days ago. I believe it was Tuesday. I was feeling good, getting things accomplished. I was my emotions in check and my days were getting brighter. Phone starts ringing. Ring, ring, ring. I get this panic feeling. My stomach feels suicidal as it tries to eat itself. I wanna throw up. I glance over to the phone and confirm my diagnosis of my symptoms. Its my old lady calling. Every single time I go through these symptoms. Its unnatural, almost evil. My first thought is I'm not letting her ruin my day. I don't need to talk to her. I pick up the phone and hand over immediately like a hot potato to my daughter. I safe for now. The phone makes its rounds like usual. There's something off. There's excitement in their voices. My heart accelerates my world comes to a pause. "Mommy is back, mommy is back we are going to see mommy!" My nightmare come true. How can this be. Last I talked to her she was 2400 miles away. I was safe from her presence. I could get stronger and stronger. But its not to be. As if she knows my life is on the rise and and she has to level it off down to her level. I know carry this constant anxiety jacket waiting for the next point of contact. I need a defense plan for me and the kids like yesterday.
I'm sitting on a Wal-Mart bench inside one of the super stores. I'm waiting on someone. I take a brief walk to burn some nervous energy. I'm anxious and a bit shaken. Let me turn the clock back a few days ago. I believe it was Tuesday. I was feeling good, getting things accomplished. I was my emotions in check and my days were getting brighter. Phone starts ringing. Ring, ring, ring. I get this panic feeling. My stomach feels suicidal as it tries to eat itself. I wanna throw up. I glance over to the phone and confirm my diagnosis of my symptoms. Its my old lady calling. Every single time I go through these symptoms. Its unnatural, almost evil. My first thought is I'm not letting her ruin my day. I don't need to talk to her. I pick up the phone and hand over immediately like a hot potato to my daughter. I safe for now. The phone makes its rounds like usual. There's something off. There's excitement in their voices. My heart accelerates my world comes to a pause. "Mommy is back, mommy is back we are going to see mommy!" My nightmare come true. How can this be. Last I talked to her she was 2400 miles away. I was safe from her presence. I could get stronger and stronger. But its not to be. As if she knows my life is on the rise and and she has to level it off down to her level. I know carry this constant anxiety jacket waiting for the next point of contact. I need a defense plan for me and the kids like yesterday.
Her popping up like this rekindled a mess of emotion I thought I put to bed. My body seems to naturally do its own thing. The shakes, dry mouth, and increasingly high heart rate. It felt like I was going through withdrawals and she was my fix. Oh god I don't want to relapse. I was talking to my friend about this recent series of events and she brought up an interesting point. She started talking about obsession. She told me all I talk about is her. I stopped and digested what she had brought to the table. Am I obsessive about her? Have I been approaching this the wrong way? I did some research on this.
ob·ses·sion
noun
1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation <an obsession with profits>
2 : something that causes an obsession
Sometimes, we become obsessed because we believe that one person we are obsessing over is the only person who will ever love us or we believe they are our "one true love." Never think of anyone in that way--that is only an ideal, not truth. If it didn't work out, then it most likely wasn't meant to be.
Remember the way that person treated you and others. Don't focus on the good parts.
Realize that the need for a partner can be based on something else--maybe low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, or inability to connect with other people in a way that is outside of a romantic relationship.
Remember that while you are obsessing over this person, you are missing out on a person who is probably better for you in addition to other parts of life that you could be enjoying.
Stop making excuses for why they didn't call, didn't email you back, made you feel bad, or any other negative way they might have treated you. Don't ever think they are sitting around thinking about you--because, even if you are an incredible person, he/she is probably wrapped up in their own life. If they feel interested in you, they will take the initiative to contact you. Since they are not doing that, it means they are not interested in you.
Get rid of pictures of that person and avoid fantasizing about them. No one deserves incomplete love or a shadow of love.
I started identity with all these points. I a fucking creep!
Everything is my old lady this my old lady that! People are probably ready to vomit if I was to say another sentence about her. I'm just a passionate person about my passions and she was one of them. So my new word to describe me about her is creepy dysfunctional love. Now I'm ready to vomit!
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."
- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, Epistle Dedicatory
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
ob·ses·sion
noun
1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation <an obsession with profits>
2 : something that causes an obsession
Sometimes, we become obsessed because we believe that one person we are obsessing over is the only person who will ever love us or we believe they are our "one true love." Never think of anyone in that way--that is only an ideal, not truth. If it didn't work out, then it most likely wasn't meant to be.
Remember the way that person treated you and others. Don't focus on the good parts.
Realize that the need for a partner can be based on something else--maybe low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, or inability to connect with other people in a way that is outside of a romantic relationship.
Remember that while you are obsessing over this person, you are missing out on a person who is probably better for you in addition to other parts of life that you could be enjoying.
Stop making excuses for why they didn't call, didn't email you back, made you feel bad, or any other negative way they might have treated you. Don't ever think they are sitting around thinking about you--because, even if you are an incredible person, he/she is probably wrapped up in their own life. If they feel interested in you, they will take the initiative to contact you. Since they are not doing that, it means they are not interested in you.
Get rid of pictures of that person and avoid fantasizing about them. No one deserves incomplete love or a shadow of love.
I started identity with all these points. I a fucking creep!
Everything is my old lady this my old lady that! People are probably ready to vomit if I was to say another sentence about her. I'm just a passionate person about my passions and she was one of them. So my new word to describe me about her is creepy dysfunctional love. Now I'm ready to vomit!
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."
- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, Epistle Dedicatory
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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