page 58-There is no cure for suffering..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"You can't put a Band-Aid on every boo-boo you've made some just need time to heal..."
- Christina Montano

I have this uncanny ability to want to believe what people tell me. I guess I'm gullible. My therapist told me I'm a very compassionate. My friends have voiced thier opinions of me playing the fool or love's idiot. My family just shakes their heads most of the time. I personally think I'm a combination of the two. Today has been a mess of a day. My emotions are getting the best or worst of me I'm not sure anymore.  As I get more and more confirmation of what a sham of marriage I apparently had I start to think. I think about what many roads I have traveled to get where I am today. My body and soul feel so worn out that I seem to lack the strength to continue my steps.  I start digesting my life hoping that it doesn't upset my life force to badly. Why was I so trusting of her? Why did I adore such a false idol? She was definitely my siren. Her song was mesmerizing. I would of died a thousand death just to get near her. I would of loved her to the ends of the earth. That's apparently was her power and my weakness. Being devoted to such a vessel in the end will leave one broken and hollow. Hollow for the poison to take its affect. Hollow to have the illusions fill my eyes with promise and my head with hope. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. In order for there to be life, death must be allowed as well. Pain is what makes you know your alive. Love is what makes our bodies one and our souls feel like we are divine. In our time in our loneliness we are force to face ourselves.  The purpose of our work, our words, why blood runs through our veins.  We may cover we may hide. We may stumble we may cry. No drug or god can makes us immune for the crimes we try. Balance is always achieved no matter how little or hard we deny. Cause when you wake, you sleep, you walk in stride. Your conscience will speak, your heart will beat, and the soul can't never nullify. Your true self is immortal for the body rots, your bones crack and your blood vanishes in the soil we lay. Remember your actions always have an audience for words are composed internally and fall to the waste side. The truth is heavy and ugly but bears no fruits that are poisonous or lie. You follow your instincts you feed your desires at any price. My mind wanders these words are my lifeline. I stick enough of these words together feelings emerge and sometimes they even shine. Emotions are the building blocks of life and the wrecking ball at the same time. You have followed me so far I hope you don't mind my sanity ,my weakness my mess of a life. I dream and pray like others while lacking the ability to step up and rise. The solution is in my hands, in my heart, in my spirit,  but I make it more complex for reasons no one knows why. I leave you now with more questions and less time. The hour glass grows empty with no more sand to buy us excuses or lifetimes.

 We ignore each other and try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down we know it wasn't supposed to end like this. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight