I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."
On my last post I was talking to my friend about the old lady. As the conversation proceeded it went into another direction. There came a point when the friendship almost mutated into romantic one. We met on Xbox live like 3 years ago. I still remember how the conversation went. I joined a random game on my favorite left 4 dead 2. The game sets up a lobby where you wait for other players to join. The norm is to general introduce yourself self by saying the person's gamertag and then saying do you talk. My usual response is to say, no I don't talk. Well this particular night I was gaming all night trying to escape my miserable existence at the time. Before I could say anything she comes out with hey do you wanna be our pimp? I'm instantly intrigued by this comment. I say hell yeah I wanna be your pimp and the rest is history as they say. To say the least we definitely flirted with each other while balancing the line and not crossing it. Well fast forward to January of this year. Me and the old lady had just split up a couple of weeks prior and I was a blubbering mess. Me and this friend are on the phone as I once again go into the ongoing drama of my life. She suddenly springs on me " I'm coming down to see you!" Of course my initial reaction was to blow it off. Before I can say bullshit she is on her way down from Missouri. As I commence to shit myself my panic mode engulfs my head and then my chest. I was a cocky bastard on the phone and internet but real life I'm a pussy.
So I go the full nine. I get her a hotel room. I stock the room with food and I get me a bottle of vodka. The time of destiny arrives. She comes out of the car and gives me a big hug. I'm paralyze with fear. I grab her things and take them to the room. I sit at the table with my hands folded like the first day of kindergarten. She starts talking to me. I start to slowly open the vodka as if I was handling plastic explosives. One drink, two drinks, quarter of the bottle and finally half of it down the hatch. I'm a slurring, emotional shell of a man at this point. My intent was to relax a bit so I can be myself. I wasn't even close to that. I start crying in front of her! Fucking crying as if my panties were on to tight! "Why did she do this to me?" "I love her so much!" "How can she do this to me again." "I was suppose to die with her holding my hand." Blah, blah, blah! I start banging my head against the wall eventually collapsing on the floor and falling asleep in a puddle of my tears. Do I make first impressions or what. To her credit she didn't leave will I was unconscious to the world. We hung out for a few days held hands and slept in the same bed. Nothing, nothing came close to happening. Believe it or not, I had my old lady ingrained in my heart and soul. I could not genuinely make a move if my intentions were not honest. This is another human being, another set of stories and feelings. Not a play thing not a vessel by far.
She ended up leaving a few days later. We spent our time together hanging out, laughing and really becoming better friends. To this day I haven't been made to feel as wonderful as she made me feel. I bring all this up cause this triggered something the other day. I was talking to her about her time here with me. I asked her if I had made a move those nights we slept in the same bed how far would have it gone. She immediately shutdown my illusions of me being a Rico suave type in the moment. She did it gently but shut me down none the less. I countered with if she made a move I would've been ok with cause it was happening. Its was ok cause it was happening. I froze my conversation with her all the sudden. I felt like I was giving an out of body experience and I was summoned to a time and place in my past. I was witnessing a deviant act of my childhood. He was on top me grinding himself and shoving his tongue down my throat. I can still taste his saliva in my mouth. I must of been like 8 at the time. Why am I making out with a guy? I don't like this! I don't want this! Why am I having an erection when I wasn't enjoying this at all? Its ok cause it was happening I told myself. As I hovered watching this I could hear my own thoughts. "If I pretend to enjoy it maybe it won't be as long as last time." "Maybe he won't ask me to pull my underwear down this time." "I'm really scared." "He's really doing it rough!" "Does he think I'm a girl right now cause this feels really wrong!"
I have to stop right now cause I feel nauseous. Why are these moments reappearing in my mind? What good will come of this horrifying experiences? I go to therapy to try to sort this out. Anyone with children reading this right now please watch them like a hawk. Anyone or everyone can be a potential threat of this nature. We are extremely complex evil, good beings. We have moments of poor judgment and impulse. We are God and the devil at all times. Its always grey never black and white.
"It does not take sharp eyes to see the sun and the moon, nor does it take sharp ears to hear the thunderclap. Wisdom is not obvious. You must see the subtle and notice the hidden to be victorious."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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