I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also."
- Carl Gustav Jung
I meant to finish this yesterday but could not. So all these feelings are from yesterday. End of disclaimer. Today is another disappointment. Another anxious filled day. The last couple of days have been emotionally wavy. The outburst of tears with no sadness in mind. The constant pressure in the center of my chest. The vision of eternal loneliness and emptiness. The short movies of past transgressions that give this illusion of what I interpreted at the time as quote unquote "happiness." I feel like a hostage in my own mind. This thing this continuous cycle of memories, hopes and dreams torment me. The hope and dreams are the worst cause they're so unrealistic. I think of this remedy everytime I feel blue. There's this dead raccoon in the middle of the street. His furry corpse rotting away for all to see. His internal organs cooking like an egg on a frying pan in this god forsaking heat. I think where are his love ones? Did he or she live a full life? Did it have children? If so did they mourn its death? All of this is for nothing. Even I have detached myself by eventually calling this once living creature it. This raccoon is my happy pill. I'll explain. No matter how down and out I feel. No matter how bad I think I have it. It could never be as bad as that raccoon. Being dead and ignored waiting to be picked up by a shovel is far, far worse than any mood I could possibly be in. So I think raccoon I think the sun is bright, I feel the warm air on my skin, I hear the voices of joy and unfiltered happiness. My children, I'm good. Life is not that bad. Poor raccoon.
On a other note I spoke to my dad today. I make a point of this cause it's unfortunately a thing I don't do enough. I haven't called him in like 3 months. I constantly think that when he's gone I'll regret not have spoken to him more. I need to work on that. Anyways I wanted to pick his brain about his and mom's divorce. Its been 20 freak in years just like that. I wanted his advice. I wanted to know how he processed his pain and became the happy man he is today. He started off saying that it was the hardest thing he ever had to go through. That he has never loved again the same way he loved my mom. That everything happens for a reason. I said that if I got a divorce would that be allowed in God's eyes. I made a commitment in front of God, friends and family. He said that I held my end of the deal and that she would have to answer for her actions. I can not be responsible for her indiscretions. That in the bible it says death and adultery are loopholes for divorce. She definitely fits the bill for one of them and she's not dead. A sense of relief came over my heart and mind. I can put this to bed and say I did everything possible to reconcile this marriage. I can meet my maker and look him in the eye and be at peace with this. My dad also told me that you never wanna force anything. Can't change someone to fit your ways. Its like eating something you don't like. Chances are that your going to throw up after your done.
So with this angle and much needed light, the road I travel grows lighter. My vision and reflexes are a little sharper. My steps are less labored. My smile grows a little wider. I am going to sleep a little harder. So when I wake up tomorrow and the next day and so on, I will have this mantra. I have the love of my children, my family, my friends and finally most important, love for myself. Cause I deserve and will achieve better. Don't ever take what you have for granted, remember raccoon, remember raccoon.
“Not only is there often a right and wrong, but what goes around does come around, Karma exists, chickens do come home to roost, and as my mother, Phyllis, liked to say, “There is always a day of reckoning.” The good among the great understand that every choice we make adds to the strength or weakness of our spirits—ourselves, or to use an old fashioned word for the same idea, our souls. That is every human’s life work: to construct an identity bit by bit, to walk a path step by step, to live a life that is worthy of something higher, lighter, more fulfilling, and maybe even everlasting.”
― Donald Van de Mark
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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