I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.
-confucius-
On my way home tonight I started racking my brain on what was on my mind. In the process of doing this I tend to window shop. Window shopping is when I start looking at that houses I'm driving by. I see a nice home, a nice sedan or a big truck I instantly think success. They must of succeeded to afford such luxurious things. I see a two story house with a well manicure lawn I think these people must have their ducks in a row. I start imagining there daily routine. Mom and dad go to work. The kids are in private school. The kids walk their pedigree caliber dog. Everyone is respectful and courteous. They have amazing vacations, football practice, prom and so on and so on. I get these illusions in my head off a split second view of material possession. In our society we are trained as children to idolize our possession. The nicer it is the more we crave it. The more the emptiness widens. The more we detach and numb ourselves to the purpose and beauty of life. The hellos and kisses goodbye. The I love you we throw with around with no caution. Someone genuinely asking you "how are you today?" The unexpected gift or phone call from that special someone that just makes your day thst much brighter. To me these are some of things that make life worth living and suffer for. The most important things in life ain't things. Simple, powerful and everlasting truthful. That's how I try to live now. Cause a day will come when my time is up and I will no longer have anymore options.
I had my moment I've been waiting for Saturday night. As usual I was in agony about my situation about my old lady. The turmoil within me and around me was overwhelming. It seem the harder I tried the more I wallowed in it. Something had to give. There had to be a monumental shift. That shift happened that night. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I spoke with father earlier in the day and got that great advice, not knowing the ripple effect it would have. I was speaking to a friend that night giving her an update status. I told her that shit had hit the fan between me and the old lady. Worst fight we ever had. Ten years of frustration and regrets reared its ugly head. Insults to the degree of drop dead, you were bad in bed, your only good for what's between your legs, your a bad mom, a horrendous wife, no one likes you, your the devil and so on. She also fired back the same feelings. I will admit I started it and finished it as well. Of course later on I felt awful about my behavior even thou I believed what I said to be true. Nonetheless it could have been handle in a much better manner. As I continued my sob story, her husband walked into the house. Look I'm not generally a religious or spiritual guy by any stretch of the imagination. I say this disclaimer cause her husband is known to be a prophetic person. I mean when I meet him ten years ago he told me I was going to have two daughters with my old lady. We were dating for two months when he told me this.
I now have two beautiful daughters. Throughout the years we have run into each other. I never once thought of asking him about another vision. Well the other night in passing I did. I said jokingly "hey what do you see happening these days cause its a total mess!" He really didn't say much and wrapped up my conversation with my friend. Ten minutes later I get this voice mail from saying to call him. Oh shit! Oh shit, careful what you ask for cause you , might just get it. He said that he doesn't see my old lady in my future. That he sees death walk with her. The hairs on the back of my neck are at attention right now! That God has been trying to do his will but I kept interfering. That I can't do this. That's why I kept failing. That I need to submit to him and I will succeed. I will do what I was born to do. He said he sees another woman in my life. That we will share a child between us. I started to cry as these words came out of his mouth. Like medicine for the pain I felt the pressure at the center of my chest evaporate. I had thought to myself recently about possibly having another child with someone else. Other people had told similar antidotes. To much of the same thing is not fluke. I to had felt these things put I do my best to discredit any validity in my mind. He finished the conversation by telling me to go home and pray and submit myself. So I thanked him and hung up the phone. I drove my happy ass home and got on my knees for the first time in 25 years.
I talked and I felt for the first time someone was listening. I released the weight of my world. I admitted I am no superman. I stripped my soul of the chains that have bound me to her. My heart eas at peace. Not my problem anymore. Not my problem anymore. I slept like a baby for the first time in a long time. What's this feeling, happiness? I guess I'll learn as I go....to be continue...
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
confucius-
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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