page 38-Pieces of...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

As I ponder my chaotic mind trying to find some reasoning to these events, I still don't have the words. I think everything is shifting in my mind and heart to what has and will transpire.   I am really at a lost for anything. Usually I have some stream of inspiration or insight on a particular subject.  I really need to recharge my heart and soul. I need to focus my energy on what's at hand. I have let my mind wander and this is what it came back with.

She sits crying on the bed
She ponders her reasons and mistakes
Leveling off the excess of shady thoughts and distress
Wondering why God has made a place
For those who have fallen from grace

She blocks the light, she hesitates
She runs from reasons that make sense
Alone and sickly she anticipates
The walls around her collasping 

Pain and misery are her friends
Never to befriend happiness
Never to invite love or loyalty 
As staples to her dying excess

The ones that love her shrink and fade
The ones that despise her multiple and rage

Through these times 
Follow my words 
Listen for my cries

So you can spread this gospel to the lost world

Pieces of me shall shatter
Some with jagged edges
Some so small and fragile

Engraved with ink 
Follow these words
Imagine my tone and voice
Preparing to fully swallow

What's left of me
Some which are sweet
Leftovers that reak bitterness 
None the less to much to handle

Another late session
Another day lost to this endless cycle

Open your eyes 
The sun deems attention
The darkness waits to strike and swallow

I hear my bones pop
My head pound
My hearts circulates
The life in my blood 

Which allows me to speak these words that follow

Razor thin lullabies
That sell me a vision,  a paradise
That hold superficial elaborate smiles
Covered in cherry scented lies

Creating rows of angels and butterflies
That paint a picture of undying bliss and divine
That no one will ever know

"Committing yourself is a way of finding out who you are. A man finds his identity by identifying. A man's identity is not best thought of as the way in which he is separated from his fellows but the way in which he is united with them."
- Robert Terwilliger

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 37-War what is it good for absoutly nothing

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

When this day ends it will be one of the most devasting days of my life. I have been in bad places before and been in dark places. The fight has been brought to the borders of my life. The invasion has begun. My defenses have failed me and I'm on the run trying to regroup. I've been a passive person most of my life.  To my determinant, its human nature to take advantage. Two days ago is when love left me along with the thread of any hope to ever mend my disastrous marriage.  I say this as the memory of watching my mothers tears makes my blood boil. That is what finally turn the switch off. What my old lady has started is something I have to finish. Time to drag out the skeletons and show the world the ink on my enemy.  Yes my enemy. There is definitely a thin line between love and hate. This Is my worst nightmare playing out.This is what its come to. War.

war
noun
1 a (1) : a state of usually open and declared armed hostile conflict between states or nations (2) : a period of such armed conflict (3) : state of war 
b : the art or science of warfare 
c (1) obsolete : weapons and equipment for war (2) archaic : soldiers armed and equipped for war
2 a : a state of hostility, conflict, or antagonism 
b : a struggle or competition between opposing forces or for a particular end <a class war> <a war against disease> 
intransitive verb
1 : to be in active or vigorous conflict
2 : to engage in warfare

The details of the events that lead to these state of affairs are so great that I just don't have the energy to speak of it. I'm going to lick my wounds and get my game plan ready for the next battle. Please pray, give out your well wishes, whatever floats your boat when it comes to the spiritual relam. I have nothing in me to share. I have nothing to give. 

"The meekest of animals will fight bravely when it is backed against a wall, for it has nothing left to lose. A poor man is more deadly than a rich man because he puts less value on his own life."
- R. A. Salvatore, The Crystal Shard

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives."
- J. Michael Straczynski

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
- David Russell

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 36-You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts..."

- Robert Fulghum

mon·ster

noun

1 a : an animal or plant of abnormal form or structure 

b : one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character

2 : a threatening force

4 : something monstrous; especially : a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness, deformity, wickedness, or cruelty

5 : one that is highly successful

Any of the definitions above would describe the mentally and attuide of my old lady unfortunately. When I first started this blog I was going to talk about all aspects of my life. What is transpiring lately is an ugly chapter in my life. It's not a pleasant time at all. So what I'm about to show you is a battle of the on going war I'm in for my kids. This conversation is about my son being on vacation. Everyone enjoys a good drama,  well you came to the right place.

Me:
 Your something else

Old lady:
 What are you talking about you took my son without permission. Now tell me where he is to avoid more charges

Me:
 You know where he is,stop playing dumb, its been discuss many a time.

Me:
 You think cause that woman beating sob is in your life things are going to get better?

He knows your games. He doesn't want to talk to you. Are you going to press charges on him to for not speaking to you? He is very smart kid trying to enjoy his vacation and you want to screw that up.

Old lady:
 No i said he couldn't go to new york you put him in a truck with god knows who and sent him to ny now you wont tell me where he is.

Me:
 You said fine and now that Mr I need classes in order to function in society is back, your putting a show. All your doing is exposing your true self. I told the police when they came on Saturday that he was in new york. Did he need permission to be left by his mother as well?
Old lady:
 Point blank. Tell me the name address and phone number where he is. Or i will press charges. 
Me:
 What charges? Taking care of our son please do! He doesn't want to speak to you get the cotton out of your ears.  You can't force him to talk to you all you do is make him cry.

Why do you want to ruin his vacation to cause your doing a hell of a job ruining his life.
You just like threatening people and people are getting tried of it! 

Old lady:
 Me being his mother he is not allowed to go out without my permission. I told you this. Now tell me where he is or it will cause problems not only you but who ever.
Me
A true mother puts their kids happiness before anything else. Why would you want to damper that great smile of his? For real babe, the tears and pain he has carried he deserves this vacation. He is having a blast don't take that away from him He carries a lot on his little heart you have no idea. That sweet boy has buried enough tears time for smiles
Old lady:
  Who has him and who drove him?
Me: 
 You gave permission its funny how all of the sudden its not you have a very selective memory. I guess me taking you for your word is a grave mistake , I'll never make again. I guess I have to spell it out slowly for people like you. He is with my cousin in new york. Her son and Nathaniel our son in case you forgot his name have tons of fun together. You can't be grateful that people are loving on him and trying to give him the best life possible.
Old lady:
 Full name. Address. Phone number. When he went there when he will be back. Who took him. Who will be bringing him back. 
Me:
 So you can call the cops on her I don't think so. unless your paying for his transportation with the child support money your living off. If you can call the cops on me for not picking up the phone of course you would do the same to her. Our son Nathaniel knows that you manipulate situations so it works in your favor. You should learn these 2 words...Thank you you'll be surprise how far it can get you
Old lady: You should learn these two words- Fuck you
Me: I did when you came into my life. I've been fucked over many times. I'm sure fucking is how you keep a roof over your head.
Old lady: Look. I just want to know where my son is and i want to talk to my girls. Other then that stop with your petty text. You will see just wait. 
Me: I know what your up to believe that. Cause unless there's a court order you cant make me do shit bottom line your words are as empty as your soul
Old lady:
 You have to realize you cant do this stuff. Its not ok. I am their mother and i have i right to communicate anytime i please. As far as Nathaniel goes, you need to check yourself once again. You say that you all are trying to give him the best life he can have. You and those people are not his family. I  am and you cant get rid of me no matter how hard you try. I love my kids and will fight tooth and nail for them 
Me:
 So will I don't you forgot that! I'm not his father you got balls! So why does he call me daddy for fun? Whose roof has he been under mine! Whose family walked out the door of there own free will not mine! Check your self!! Remember you may bullshit the world ,but you can't bullshit our kids,my actions will speak more than any words I can mustard. I'm done with you I'm wasting my time.
The fall of anything always claims its victims. Change always demands it so.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 35-On the brink of response

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I'm on the brink. I'm on the brink of many things good or bad I don't know.  I'm in the inside looking out.  I'm feeling very reflecting mood. I was looking st some of the pictures I have of her and it melted me. I need to remind myself of the crimes against my heart she has commited against me. Since I'm on the inside I think reposting personal comments from people on the outside, would be best.

Friend:
  I stand behind you all the way, when it comes to you and your children. No, you are not his biological father, but BLOOD aint everything. Any fool can be a father, but it takes a real man to step up and be a dad. You are his dad, never let her tell you other wise. Your son loves you and knows the truth he is not as young as the girls and probably knows more about the situation than you think. Never let her get away with telling you that you are not his dad and you have no rights, bcz that is not the truth. You are there with him, taking care of him and, providing for him to the best of your ability. My parents are not my parents by blood( read my status this morning) but they are all the same to me. I am happy you didnt analyze the conversation over and over. I am a stranger looking in, and I am telling you now that although it is her voice you hear saying cruel and hurtful things, it is her counter part playing cruel and mean jokes. I really believe she is just stuck in a place that if she had a way out and changed everything from her # to her FB page that she would not be the same person she is today. She is lost and as long as she lets some one else ruin her life she will never truly be a happy individual. I also think that given enough time you ad her will be just friends, but only if things change on both your parts. You have her children, and although she is longing for the children her point of view is obscured by the obsession she has with her significant other. No I do not believe that she is in love, but was looking for an escape and that is what she is stuck with until she can stand up and face her past and ask for forgiveness and get her life straight. My heart goes out to you and her both. I was hoping she would come around and get rid of the loser, and possibly you and her work out your problems, but with him in the picture, that will never happen. Now I just pray she can move past this self infliction and be able to have a relationship with her children, and not one where it is one sided. God Bless and I will continue praying for you and your situation. Hugs!!

Friend:
 You are absolutely right in your assessment of the entire situation. She completely abandoned her children. Legally, you would have all rights given to you, since she absolutely walked away. It's so sad and tragic, and she's entirely messed up and twisted to have done so. Seriously, though, is she on drugs? Her phone message she left you leads me to believe she is. I would not put up with her insulting my mother, and I'm amazed that it prompted you to call her? That would have been my cue to never want to talk to her again. You truly should save the tapes in case of future legal battles. Then, anyone (judge and jury) could clearly see that she's completely out of her mind and no good to be around precious children. She has never, ever been a good mother to them, if her facebook statuses were any indication. Please batten down the hatches and steel up the fortresses. She's very manipulative and evil, and sick in the head. You don't need that in your life. Thank god for your mother. Every day.  

Friend:
 Well i feel like i can tell u this having known u for 15 yrs and being a mom and single parent for a long time, snap out of it! You have to put your melodrama aside and be the best dad and role model u can be. 

Friend:
 Good writing, Richie. Thanks for always sharing what you're going through. 

As always, proud of your resolve to do the right thing. I will never understand the ability to just walk away from ones whole life (kids, husband, everything), and just pretend it's okay. Bless your heart, and those kids. Sounds like they are doing great, thanks to you providing them with a strong sense of normalcy and stability. Even though you don't feel so strong, to those kids you are a solid rock they can cling to for protection. I'm thankful for you. I know they especially must be as well.  

Friend:
 I've got to sleep now. But rich, you need to realise that it's a selfish world out there and the only person that you are damaging is yourself and really What is the point in that? Right now it's up to you to decide when you'll be ready to move on. And until then there is nothing anyone else can do but pray for you. You decide when you are ready to stop being so reflective and depressed and then everyone will be behind you to keep you on the surface. Life will be great when you're ready for it to be great.

Friend: i am both of yalls friend and I do not want 2 judge, no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, life is what we make of it and You are making a good example for your kids and they will always looks up 2 you for guidance and love i commend you and know ur kids are proud of you and love you

Friend:
 Well Richy that's to be expected because this whole situation and experience has been very traumatic and its going to psychologically affect you until you come to terms with it. But you need to remember that you can't find love, only love can find you. And until then, you need to live life normally. Cope with a civil divorce, continue to raise your children with love and care and spend quality time with your friends and family. But you must stop dwelling on the past rich. You have to motivate yourself to get out of the reflective rut you are stuck in and concentrate on meeting up with friends, taking your kids to school and collecting them from school, working, helping around the house... All of these things are going to help you feel better about yourself and make your life so much more fulfilled. But you really have to try.

Friend: Wow!! I am returning your shoes with untied shoe laces, freeing you from what ever torments you! You are worthy, a creation of God, made in his perfection, loved, forgiven, worthy of........yes, it's in your hands to remain a prisoner of your shoelaces or to free yourself forever!! I decided to free myself!! 

Friend:
 Richard
You should consider writing a book. Amazing work on your blog. You the gift of writing. I'm sorry that your are going through all those issues; keep in mind your writing skills to boost your ego and your kids being #1 priority to stay sane. Having children is amazing yet hard, but you are doing an amazing job as a dad.
Friend: Sometimes I feel the same,what keeps me going are the two beautiful children God has blessed me with!! If it wasn't for them I would probably not be here on earth! You are stronger than what you think you are!!
Friend:
 But she is selfish and only cares about herself and someone like that is simply a drain and you owe it to yourself not to have someone take advantage of you like that. Which, by the way, she thinks she can. She assumes she can pick you up and drop you as she likes and that's sooo wrong
Friend:
I've never gone through a divorce rich but I've loved when that person has ripped me apart to my core and for my own sanity I know that I've had to put them to the back of my mind. And as hard as it was, I did it because I had to do it for me. I accepted that and just got on with it. I'm sorry to tell you that until you are bold enough to do that you won't move forward in life. Your choice. Simple. Wallow in your own self pity whilst she has a great time in her new life... Or move on. Think about what you really want. It's easy to stop thinking about her when you are really ready to move on. I'm living proof of that.
Friend:
 You have a beautiful family. Be the for them as they will always be there for u
Friend:
 You are taking the backseat of your life. I don't want to read anymore bc it makes me sad. U are better than who you have become. 

As I read these comments again I can't help this unbelievable feeling of love and support. With an army of words like this I'm ready yo fight to take my life back. Pain is the glue that makes us all stick together. One can't never love to much cause if you limit yourself then you take away from the full potential of the experience. Anything worth anything always will cost you something. 

"Life is a series of little deaths out of which life always returns."
- Charles Feidelson, Jr.


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 34-Don't be scared of the voices...

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"...solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life we receive counsels and comforts, we get under no other condition..."

- Amelia Barr

6:42 a.m. and my wet feet hit my the foot of my bed. I've slept a total of 1hr 32 mins. I say this as my new bud, King the giant Doberman, is back at my house and woke me with his panicy energy. He didn't bark, he didn't wine, he simply was about to squat in the corner of my room. I wake up from a dead sleep to see this enormous dog about to shit in my room. Which by the way has carpet in it. So imagine the gratitude I felt in stopping him and taking him outside.  God I love the smell of liquid diarrhea in the morning. I think I just vomitted in my mouth...lol. I digress to why I'm not going back to bed and instead talking yo you kind folks. Today is another small step forward in my painful progression. I am very anxious at the possibilty of moving ahead without her. Yes she still haunts me everyday, not ever second of my life but she definitely makes an apperance. I was actually speak to one of my newer friends I've made in the recent weeks about her a bit. I talked about our recent conversation I had with my old lady and how it unfolded. A few days ago I get woken up by the lovely messages she had left on my mom's phone. She basically goes on to detail how my mother is not there mother and thanks god she's not cause she rasied a couple of screw ups allready. These screw ups are me and my 2 sisters. The message goes on for a bit with more lovely remarks and a few menacing words. I guess I could go and transcribe the voicemail but its to diffcult and negative to repeat. This prompts me to eventually call her. After consulting with my inner counsel,  you guys know who you are, aganist thier advice I give her a ring. As the saliva in my mouth dries up and my jaw tenses up as if I'm anticipating a fight, I hear the voice of the source. My instinct is to unleash the big guns and inflict the same kind of venom and angry she relayed in the message.  I hear her soft exhausted voice and it immediately dampers my fire. We exchange hellos and then a slight awkward pause. I take a deep breath as I take my plunge into the belly of the beast. I say to her is that the best way of communicating her frustrations to me about the situation at hand. Her logic is that the nastier the message the more percentages work in her favor for me to respond. As screwy as this sounds here I am on the phone responding to such a message.  Mission accomplished. The conversation takes a turn for the worst, as if being in the calm eye of a hurricane and now hitting the bands of destruction. I start rasing my voice a bit as I explain kidnapping to her and my frustrations start to raise to the surface.
kid·nap
transitive verb
: to seize and detain or carry away by unlawful force or fraud and often with a demand for ransom
The situation we are in is no where near what the definition defines. I've done explained to her in the past that if she walked outbon us, that I would not facilitate a way for her to communicate with me or the kids. I feel that if she wants to abandon her responsibility as a mother, why do I have to make that as easy as possible. The amount of suffering my children have endured is enough. I don't need them getting confuse that mom is coming to see them any time soon. Hope is the biggest threat to there fragile little hearts at the moment. I then go on to saying that my mother is doing her job and that she's not qualified to be a mother to my kids. She keeps bringing up how we are nothing to my son cause biologically he's not mine. But here we are with much love taking care of him no different than his sisters. I start yelling that she adandon him espically. Since according to the laws of the land I have no legal say over him.
aban·don
transitive verb
1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent 
b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in 
3 : to withdraw protection, support, or help from 
4 : to give (oneself) over unrestrainedly
5 a : to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using 
b : to cease intending or attempting to perform 
As soon as I started dropping these bombs of reality in her world she lost it. Her ramblings and tone sound like a chicken with its head cut off. I then ended the conversation by hanging up on her. Feeling some sort of satisfaction cause I wasn't in pieces after this argument,  it was short lived cause the toxicity of this relationship is very tragic. Its so unfortunate to see the decline of such a thing. To my credit I have not analyzed this conversation to death and I feel I'm accepting the unavoidable truth.  That it is really over my marriage, like many other aspects I've failed in my life, is over.

"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."
- Walter Stegner

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 33-When god calls you an idiot

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I just woke up like a kid on Christmas morning. But there is no tree or gifts and its 95○ with 95% humidty. Instead there is panic, darkness and numbness. Parts of my body feel like they are at room temperature which is about 75○ at the moment. I have a horrible habit of not using a blanket. By the time my body shuts down on me, I'm ill prepared for my journey into my oblivion. It is strange, I never just start writing like a bat out of hell. I will usually have a vote with me, myself and I. We discuss the agenda of the day. Do we sleep in for an extra 2 hours or 4. I usually pass out before I tally the votes. Well I do live in Florida,  where tallying votes is very complex and corrupt.
 I think I'm having a moment of sorts. The fear that has driven so many people to take action is finally getting to me. Even when I escape from the world every night it still follows me in my dreams lately. So far me sleeping forever is not a realistic option. Do you hear it? Tick tock, tick tock. That's the sound of life passing me by. That breeze that takes my breath away and leaves me gasping, struggling. Someone is trying to tell me something. Is it you? Is it me? Is it God? Is it myself or I ?
 Wake up ! Bad things happen to good people,  good things happen to bad people. There's a million questions with a billion answers that would take an eternity to dissect. An eternity to listen to. Its been long enough. Life goes on . Life will pass you by. Life will happen with or without me. Its happing right now. Right now as I sit here on a Saturday afternoon in the comfort of my dark tomb of a room. Right now as I put imy head in the sand cover my ears and sing, la la la, I don't hear anything. Just as it will go on tomorrow and so on. What if this was my last day on earth today? How shitty would that be. For all of us that have lost love ones living or dead the feeling is unbearable. I grow tried of this punishment I self inflict. I need to get a grip, turn the page,
I feel the influence of my dark passenger. He speaks in a simple intoxicating tone. He has convinced me to pull over and take the driver's wheel. I'm drunk on sadness and hopelessness. Its empty promises are exactly what I'm looking for. I wanna buy whatever he is selling. I want to fantasize this text book illusion for myself. This is something the devil would love to sell. I think I've bought it. I think, I think to much, I think. What is the point of having these endless discussion with myself,  with you, with no one? The genesis of anything new is such chaos.  It took the most powerful entity known to man,  God,  took six days to create the heaven and earth. It takes us 9 months to create life. How much longer do I sit in this womb of mine before I'm ready to come out screaming and feel the tastless, wonderful air we call life and happiness? Tick tock that the sound of my stopwatch going off. Im not going to be around forever. All I am doing is collecting greys and wrinkles. Today is the day the seal breaks. The water breaks and the labor starts. Today I push for once.
I'm going to push through the door in front of me. I'm going to turn the knob and go. Enough well wishes and potential are ready to walk with me hand in hand through this terrify door. I've let to many knobs unturned to walk away from this one. We alk have a limited amount of doors we can walk through in our lives. It reminds me of a story I once heard. 
There was this massive flood and panic and fear rushed this man's mind. His instinct was to get to higher ground. He barley escapes the power of the river as he climbs out his window and latches himself like a leech to the roof of his house.  He looks up at the sky wondering how can this be happening to him. What did he do to be but in this position. Like many times before he abandons his fears for a moment and raises his arms to the sky. "Dear lord you know the reasons why, everything is in your plans, deliver me from this predicament I'm in". He opens his eyes waiting for an answer. Silence and more silence follow. Suddenly he hears the voice. His heart jolts with courage and excitement. It sinks as fast as it jolted into the pit of his stomach , when it turns out 5o be a man. A man with his canoe and his offer to save him. The man on the roof refuses the offer proclaiming that God was going to save him. With much confusion the man and his canoe vanish into into the distance. The man on the roof awaits his rescue patiently, as he is certain it is in God's plan to save him. As he finishes his thought the thunderous rattle swallows his ears. He glances at the sky and his vision remains as empty as the sky itself. "Fire department we are here to save you!" The thunderous rattle of there mototboat hesitates for a second as they await his response.  "I have someone coming for me!", he shoutd. He tells them to rescue the others trapped that he'll be fine. With no moment to spare they are off to the next person in distress. As soon as they vanish into the abyss,  the water level starts to dramatically rise. Its starts to swallow his feet, then his waist. Before he can take another breath he is taken under for a brief second. He comes to a lone tree. He has been washef away from the imaginary comfortmof his roof. Survival mode kicks in and with all the fight in him left he screams. " Why have you forsaken me oh lord!". "You are my salavation, my faith never withered, you assured me your protection.". As he prepares to take his last dry breath, a light from the sky appears. As if God's own hand parted the skies and pointed extended out at him. This is the moment of truth he had waited for. He released his grip and peace overcame him. He wakes in a instant. He is no longer wet, cold and scared. He feels this everlasting peace in his heart. He no longer guards his eyes from the light. He is in heaven and God is by his side. He stops for a second and looks all around. There is nothing but white eternal glow and shine. He's in heaven. He approaches God with one question.  Lord why did you take my life, when I had faith in that I was going to survie? God takes a pause and strokes his bread. He then goes to explain that he was the one to send the canoe. He send the fire department and he saves the best for last. The last one was a helicopter that was shining its bright light on you. By the time they came down to save you you let go of the tree and you drowned, you idiot.  
Sometimes we but out faith in the wrong places and expect mircales. Sometimes we look for salvations so desperatly that we blind our faith.

"Heart-Shaped Box"
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for a week
I've been drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice
Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath
Broken hymen of your highness I'm left back
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Your advice [x3]

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 31 & 32-Its 6 a.m. and I am still fucked

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

It is 6:21 a.m. and the sun is starting to penetrate the vast darkness that swallows my body. It keeps breaking the safety of the dark. The only one that can see me is me. I like that very much so. I pick my spots when to show the world my body, my my thoughts, my excuses. Once again my mind shut down my body last night as I was going to start writing this. Its happened 10 times in the last 2 weeks. I almost wait for it now. It's become another blanket of comfort in my many dysfunctional habits of mine. Another reason another excuse to cover whatever harbors within me. I must be a hell of a host to this thing. Maybe its the best relationship I've ever had in my life. My sadness and me. There's the title of my new book, lol. I could keep going and try to be all philosophical about why I am the way I am. I rather let you in on one of my stream of consciousness conversations I had not to long ago. Not even the darkness could hide what's been screaming to come out. Side note I have fallen asleep twice trying nto finish this its now 6:43 a.m. the next day. This is getting retarded. This has been an exhausting experience. 

Friend: Man....I have so many memories of us growing up together and all that comes to mind was how quiet you always were. I saw your pain back then...I see your pain now! It's so clear to me. You hide from others...but you can't hide from those that share the same aura as you!!
Friend: I honestly feel that I am probably the only one that can really sit in the center of your storm, look up at the eye of the hurricane and see your turmoil the same way you see it.
Me: I'm glad you got this much out of it cause you don't know how much you help and motivate me
Friend: I'm actually motivating and helping myself as I help you.
Friend: Awe!!! I'm not one to be emotional...but this is really touching.
Me: You don't judge and that's what I need, about me or her
Me: Two sides always, right or wrong, two sides. No one is mistake or evil free
Friend: Exactly. Judging is for God and those who are living it. Not for anyone else. I've been judged all my life and every person who ever judged me was wrong.
Friend: You have shown more strength than ever expected!!! I'm really proud and glad that I'm a small part of this journey with you!!
Me:I feel I have nothing to be proud of 
Friend: Be proud of the fact that you are opening up. You are accepting your feelings for what they are.That's a huge step!!
Me: I'm failing so badly in the normalization of life
Friend: I know, but you're maturing and accepting yourself. That's the most important thing.
You're using this experience to grow and learn from it. Many cant do that! Any bad experience I've had in my life, I've used it as a learning experience. Nothing more. The same goes for the good experiences.
Me: I don't know if I'm changing. Or just more aware
Friend: Life is about learning and changing. 
Friend: You are. When you're changing you become aware. Awareness is a stepping stone for learning.
Me: History has a tendency to repeat itself
Friend: No!!!! We learn and study about history so it won't repeat itself.
Me: I feel the pull I fight it constantly, now as we speak
Friend: The pull is your heart. Be mindful that your heart doesn't have a brain! Your heart isn't the smartest organ we have.Your own heart will betray you! Don't let it trick you!!Use your brain...your brain will always follow directions. Your heart won't!
Me: Betrayal has become normalcy
Friend: But you have to see above that. Betrayal is not normal.
Me: I love her and don't know how to stop
Friend: I know you love her. But you are useless unless you love yourself more than you love her!
Me: I know we are toxic for each other
Friend: But that's the thing...you're missing the entire point. Love yourself more than you love anyone else. Even your kids.
Me: I know she is my siren at sea
Friend: Sounds selfish but trust me...that's what will fix you!!
Friend: You're focusing on what you believe to be real love.
Me: But it all stems from my perception 
Friend: Your perception is always going to be thwarted by your experiences.
Friend: Love doesn't hurt you. Love doesn't abandon you or hurt you.
Me: It has my parents left me, abandon me emotionally, hurt me. They destabilize my view of happiness. I didn't think about it till now
Friend: That's the problem right there. You have to deal with that. Forgive your parents. You won't be able to move on, until you do.
Me: I have but the imprint is there no matter how hard I scrub
Friend: Then you haven't forgiven them and perception isn't reality.
Me: That's why I'm either stupid or insane, if this is still present somewhere in my mind
Friend: You're not stupid and far from insane.
Me:I thought I forgave them cause my logical side understands wrong descions and consequences
Friend: I know. But you have to move past that.
Me: It was not there intention I get that, but nonetheless its what I learn when I just started to emotionally grow. Its like learning to walk proper posture,  when you think you know how to walk already
Friend: You're stuck in a rut. You learned how to walk. Does it really matter what technique was used to teach you? You learned how to love your kids unconditionally.Does it matter that you were loved unconditionally?
Me: My kids are not the issue its me! Its her! I'm addicted to this pain. It consumes me over and over and over
Friend: This is a monster you've created! It consumes you because you let it consume you!!
Me: Yes my monster cause it's what I deserve
Friend: Man up and face the monster. Tell the monster you are no longer it's pawn!!
Why do you deserve it
Me: Cause I'm not allowed to be happy I'm not allowed to sustain it, cause its to bright, to fucking strong and at the end of the day I'm to weak
Friend: If I was within arms distance of you I would slap you for that last comment! Who says you aren't allowed to be happy?
Me: Life, God, call it what you want
Friend: Your old lady? Does she have that much power? Who's fault is that?? It's time to take back what is rightfully yours...your life!!!
Me: Your suppose to give of yourself to your spouse
Friend: Only when your spouse give him/herself back to you!!
Me: I know she never did in return full and the fact that I know it cements my weakness to fight it. This is why I struggle, this is why I fail
Friend: Because you allowed her to control you. Her downs were your downs.You can't control others feelings and thoughts. Who gave you that idea??
Me: My fantasy as I lived through movies and television cause I was always on the outside looking in. All I ever wanted was her love
Friend: You're focusing on the wrong thing. You wanted acceptance. Acceptance from your parents.You can't control your parents or her...you can only control yourself!! I love you, richie! Does that even mean anything to you!!
Me: There is that word again, love and yourself. Yes it does
Friend: How did her opinion Of you become so important??
Me: Cause everyone before her rejected m, because she gave me the affection I was starving for forever. She broke the cycle, she chased me, she got me even if it was for a little while
Friend: Because you didn't love yourself. You're searching for love in all the wrong places.
Me: I'm a failure, I'm worthless, I always had the word potential held above my fucking big head
Friend: Snap out of it!!
Me: A drop of water to a thirsty man feels like a river of refreshment
Friend: But you're missing the point. Learn from your mishaps. Make sure your kids don't suffer there same turnmoil.
Me: I fear the road of rejection so badly that it has crippled my life. Its all on me, all on me
Friend: That's only because you haven't learned to love yourself. I know that feeling. The need to be accepted. The need to be loved. You aren't the only one thats suffered. P
Me: I know I'm not conceited enough to think that at all but I'm the only one that has to live with myself constantly and I hate my roomate lol
Friend: If its not edifying...then it's destroying. Get rid of the roommate!!
Me: He wines and doesn't clean up after himself

"Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain."
- Helen Rowland

"Unless a man or woman has experienced the darkness of the soul he or she can know nothing of that transforming laughter without which no hint of the ultimate reality of the opposites can be faintly intuited."
- Helen Luke

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 30-This heart of mine it is for sale..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Marriage. Why do we do it Everybody knows the stats. One in two marriages end up in broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana. Is it loneliness Partly. Is it teamwork Definitely. Things just kind of go easier when there's two of you. One of you can wait in line at the movie theater while the other guy parks the car. Get better seats that way. Better room rate when it's a double. Are you ready to file jointly...Above you is the sun and sky. Below you, the ground. Like the sun, your love should be constant, like the ground, solid."

- Jed Seidel

That is the contract I signed. That is the world I imagined. That is what my mind sold me on. That's the oasis that quenched my everlasting thirst for love and acceptance. This is why we are flawed creatures. This is why we are gods. We have this uncanny ability to transform and destroy each other. No creature on earth holds such power and venom at once. I'm really starting to think that that everything ever created religion, literature, war, civilization was for the desire to be accepted.  Accept me for my looks, my ideas,  my love, my faults. Accept my philosophy,  my awkwardness, my success,  my sadness. We are creatures of changing habits. Everything is a process not matter how big or small. We all can relate to each other at all times cause we identify the colors on the pallet we are all given. We distinguish ourselves by our shading and intensity of the pictures of ourselves we present to the world. We all suffer from look at me syndrome. I mean why wouldn't we? What the point of being here if not to share ourselves. No creature in existence can be created on its own. Even the son of god needed god and Mary. We are like parasites, always requiring a host. Marriage is the ultimate parasitic system created. We feed of each other, we nourish each other and we cling on each other for the life of us. This is what my mind sold me on. This is the world I painted. This is the fine print the contract held. 

mar·riage

noun

1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law 

3 : an intimate or close union

marriage of convenience

: a marriage contracted for social, political, or economic advantage rather than for mutual affection; broadly : a union or cooperation formed solely for pragmatic reasons

Which of these two did I experience? I would say both at different times. My situation is exactly that a situation. All I can say is this really. I've been bit by the parasitic love bug and it feels good scratching the bite until it bleeds. That feeling of relief as you wait for it to burst. I guarantee that's something we have all loved to scratch.

This heart of mine is for sale

Along with the bags of time

This heart of mine is derailed
Tracks of steel and burning ash

This heart of mine is for sale
For a thousand words I could spell

This heart of mine is now stale
Old and tastless with a side of hell

This heart of mine has been impaled
With sharp jagged lies I wish to tell

This heart of mine is for sale
To pay the man to set my sail

This heart of mine , not your Valentine
I sail the seas to run from time

This heart of mine has been sold 
To my mistress,  to my love , to my soul


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 29-Happy father day

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person – he believed in me.” - Jim Valvano

I've been grinding my teeth and doing research for the last two hours. This is what I accomplished. My teeth feel like they're going to fall out of my head. My jaw is sore from the left to right action and researching shit on the internet is two things. Very tedious and very blah. I feel a little bit of pressure to be topical today being it was father's day yesterday. Being that this is about my life and it did affect me on some level. I want it to be all pretty and neat, creating the illusion of intelligence and structure. Quick note, I constantly surprise myself everytime I spell a word correctly. Here is a brief history lesson on father's day and why I feel like it puts a gun to everybody's head to force feed us these 3 words. Happy father's day. I do love you dad by the way.

The campaign to celebrate the nation’s fathers did not meet with the same enthusiasm--perhaps because, as one florist explained, “fathers haven’t the same sentimental appeal that mothers have.”However, many men continued to disdain the day. As one historian writes, they “scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products--often paid for by the father himself.”
Struggling retailers and advertisers redoubled their efforts to make Father’s Day a “second Christmas” for men, promoting goods such as neckties, hats, socks, pipes and tobacco, golf clubs and other sporting goods, and greeting cards. When World War II began, advertisers began to argue that celebrating Father’s Day was a way to honor American troops and support the war effort. By the end of the war, Father’s Day may not have been a federal holiday, but it was a national institution.In 1972, in the middle of a hard-fought presidential re-election campaign, Richard Nixon signed a proclamation making Father’s Day a federal holiday at last.  Today, economists estimate that Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father’s Day gifts.

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. This is how my hands and heart rose this morning. I was suppose to go to church today. I actually woke up at 8:30 this morning, on the dot. For a few seconds as my eyes shifted and my brain rebooted itself, a sense of relief came over for a minute. Of course until I realized that it was 8 freakin 30 and not like noon. The brief state of serenity was quickly replaced with a plan of deceit and lies. At any moment like the Gestapo, I was going to get seized and escorted to church. So acting 101 was in full affect. First I immediately get under the covers and act like I was comatose. Second I have my tried grainy voice ready with my lines if necessary. Finally be ready to act like I couldn't function by continuous rubbing my eyes and playing deaf and dumb. The anxiety was killing me. I said I would go to make the interrogations stop. I got tired of feeling like a battered prisoner. Even though they had every right to guilt me to go cause it was for the kids I couldn't face them. The outside world the people out of my imaginary bubble. As the moment of truth arrives I close my eyes, lock up my jaw and prepare myself. Boom...the door creaks and slowly gets shut again. There leaving me be. I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. As I allowed my tense body to unwind, the crushing blow comes swiftly. Time froze and all my emotions ran towards my eyes in the form of tears. My youngest whispers, like a haunting angel, "daddy we love you". My eyes are swelling now as I relive it. Not even the angelic voice or unconditional love of my children could break the chains I have bound to myself. What a dad, what an asshole I am. Here on the day my pride and joy want to tell the people that influence thier world that I am there dad. I am there world. So much has been taken away from them and I take this as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm no better than my old lady. Mine you this is just the beginig of my day. I spend the rest of the morning numbing my soul with television,  captin crunch and zombies.  Mid-afternoon comes and panic mode reinstates itself. How will I show my face to the eyes of disappointment again? How can I justify my actions and descions? I can't and I won't. Sometimes when you screw up so profoundly you just got to take what's coming. So what do I do? I lock myself in the bathroom around the time when I know they'll be walking through the doors. I delay facing the firing squad as long as possible. I felt like a dead man walking as I turn the knob and walk towards the death room. Its was brutal. They let me have it and I deserved every single blow they threw. It ended with a group hug, forced hug, from my kids and a plain folded note in my hands. Again the haunting words but in writing. Daddy we love you. The rest of the day goes pretty smoothly. We all pass out for a few hours, I go and buy pizza and chocolate chip cookies for dinner. And do you wanna know what made and broke my day? I am turly insane I swear to god. When I went to the supermarket to get dinner I took the rugrats with me. As we walked up isle 5 actually, a employee greeted me with a general how are you. I said in turn like always scrpited, "fine". He then paused for 2 seconds, as if the light bulb went off in his head. He conjured this,"By the way Happy Father's Day". I say "thank you", as I continued my walk through the store. Riddle me this guys. How can a complete stranger tell another stranger happy father's day? Yet I'm not worth the 2 seconds of thought or effort to the one person I'm dying to hear it from the most? My old lady. I hate days like this when my emotions are held at gun point.

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all."
- Laura Ingalls Wilder

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 28-We count our tears instead of our smiles

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

I'm a hoarder of messages, dreams and past transgressions. People of earth we have a problem. Hi my name is Richard Guillermo and I have an addiction to sadness. I'm so lonely and dying need of attention that I hold on to all my messages. I relisten and reread anything, I have to hear a foreign voice. I need something else to distinguish my own ramblings. Anything that addresses me in a postive light i read over and over. I guess I crave attention so badly that I need to reassure myself with voices and themes of the past. This process is a reoccuring theme. Hence me being a hoarder of sorts.I have to connect through technology cause the real thing is to awkwardly and terrifying.  I listen to voicemails, read texts, talk over the phone. Obviously this blog, Facebook,  and socialize through Xbox live. I need that firewall of protection. I need that layer to buffer me from judgment,  rejection and success. Crazy you say, oh my, very crazy. As much as I want to succeed I want to under very unrealistic terms, my terms. This trench I have dugged myself into is looking almost impossible to climb out of. I really think I've created a emotional hamster wheel. No matter how hard or how little I try I ended up in the same place. I fell asleep writing again for no reason this is getting weird. I guess the object of all this is that all I have is the second before me. With these seconds this is what comes to mind.

We always count our tears instead of our smiles
We never seem satisy with our given answers
We never fill our abyss of questions

We want total love
Total power
Total worship

We strive to be like God
We inherit the ways of the devil

The sadness we harbor comes from delusions of happiness
Entangled with greed
Deluded by guilt

Our memories betrays us
As does life and time
In the end we only harbor our perceptions

Which is darkness
When we shut our eyes
To escape the sadness

Sadness has a shelf life
It has a purpose
It has an ability

To weaken us
To help us
To make us stronger

The ingredients are always the same 
Just like our qualities
Just like our dreams

We give sadness such power
Cause when we love we gain so much

We attest God for our journey
We despise the devil for our struggle

"A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping, and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
- Arab Proverb

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 27-A few words and kindness

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"One cannot remain the same. Art is a mirror which should show many reflections, and the artist should not always show the same face, or the face becomes a mask."

- Yvette Gilbert, 1865-1944

We are all a creation of many small parts. Our parents, our environment, our friends, our education and geographical location just to name a few. Just in a physical sense there are 206 bones and 78 organs in the human body. So by far we are not simple creatures. We dark we are light. We create balance we create war. I just want to share this conversation with you as I try and find the genesis of me. 

Friend:
 I am very unbiased. I don't care if you're family or not...if you're wrong...you're wrong. I don't ever take sides. I see things for what they are...taking all of my personal emotions out of all situations.
Me:
 Me too
Friend: 
Bad decisions come from people when they use their heart instead of their brain to make decisions.
Friend:
 As you well know now. ;-)

Me:
Except when it comes to my own life
Me:
 Obviously
Friend:
 You're heart is always gonna hurt....mine does all the time....but i stop, think with my brain and my heart is just gonna have to deal with it. I do what is smart and good for me and my family.
Me: 
Train wreck there lol

Friend: 
Well, you're a hopeless romantic...I am one too. You're a nurturer and because you've had so many turmoil in your own personal life, you want to fix others.
Friend:
 It happens. You just have to understand that you can't fix anyone. EVER! Only yourself.
Me:
 I'm smiling cause you know your shit
Me:
 I wanna fix everyone but myself
Friend: 
By fixing and helping others....you feel a sense of satisfaction for your own sadness. But in reality, you are avoiding your own inner pain because you don't want to deal with it.
Me:
 Spot on
Friend: 
Trust me....I have learned a lot and having that natural sixth sense I have....I can read just about anyone once I sit back, listen and observe.
Friend:
 I don't have to know what your pain is. I only see it because of how hard you hurt because you're trying to fix someone else.
Me:
 Don't tell my secret it's all I have left lol
Friend:
 And believe me....all and everything anyone ever says to me...dies with me.
Me:
 I have always been an observer since the age of 7 or so
Friend:
 That's cool.
Friend: 
You have a very different way of looking at things. I'm like that too. I'm just not as poetic. Lol
Me:
 I have to learn that I'm worth something
Friend:
 Exactly! You just have been around the wrong type of people for way too long.
Friend:
 It probably started with your parents.
Me: 
Right
Friend: 
I love my family and I don't mean ill by that but our parents didn't always do a good job raising us. They didn't know any better.
Friend:
 Especially those of us who are so intrinsic like you and I.
Friend:
 I'm an introvert and because of it I have been tortured about it all my life. Picked on my own parents. Told that I should be more like my siblings who are more extroverts.
Me:
 I don't think it was on purpose I was very sensitive to sensitive
Friend:
 Oh no!! Never on purpose. I know that....our parents are good people who just didn't know any better.
Me: 
I feel to much I repress to be able to function
Friend: 
Big mistake!!!! I still struggle with that but honestly, seeing a professional YEARS ago helped me. I only went to a psychiatrist 3 visits before I got what she was telling me and didn't need to go back.
Me: 
That's why I'm so erratic with my feelings
Friend:
 That's where you have to disconnect. Do NOT ever let your feelings guide your movements!!
Me: No mediums all extremes
Friend:
 You know whats wrong....you're very receptive and accepting of your own feelings. Accepting your problems and issues is the first step.
Friend:
 The more u talk about your problems and feelings and thoughts...the easier it is to work on yourself.
Me:
 This blog is a step in the right direction I think
Friend:
 Blogging is awesome, but at times, you might subconsciously suppress what you really want to say because you know u have an audience.
Me: 
True it forces me to be creative and nurture that side of me 
Friend:
 But yes, a HUGE step in the right direction.
Me: 
I'm an open book, I have to unleash what I've stored from a lifetime of shit
Friend:
 Never be ashamed or concerned with your feelings. You are entitled to feel any way you want....
Me:
 Do I capture your attention and imagination
Friend:
 And yes, once I open the link....I'm like stopped dead in my tracks because I HAVE to find out whats next.
Me:
 I think I have a systematic way of writing I think I can do this for a very long time
Friend:
 You have an amazing creativity and I LOVE your analogies. Lol
Friend:
 Some of them crack me up.
You have a way of making the reader feel like they are in the room with you. Very descriptive and deep. That's important.
Me:
 I have pictures in my mind and I do my best to relive those moments as I write
Friend:
 It's like you're giving us a tour of your heart and at moments there is gonna be bad weather and there's nothing anyone can do about it. All we can do is grin and bear it!
Me:
 Get ready to grin a lot lol

We always question our descions and if your smart enough our answers as well. Any success story has twice as many failures. Change is diffcult but its a unmovable force of nature. I have challenged this and have been crushed cause of my inability to adapt.  I'm at a crossroad and there are many avenues. Now is not the time to lose my sense of direction. 

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
- Dr. Seuss

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 26-Father and son I believe this is a Kodak moment

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

The fact my relationship with my son is so good makes me forgiving of my father and also appreciative.

-Anthony Kiedis-

fa·ther

noun

1 a : a man who has begotten a child; also : sire 3 

3 a : one related to another in a way suggesting that of father to child 

b : an old man — used as a respectful form of address

5 a : one that originates or institutes 

b : source 

c : prototype

fa·ther·hood \-ˌhu̇d\ noun

fa·ther·less \-ləs\ adjective

fa·ther·like \-ˌlīk\ adjective or adverb

Synonyms: dad, daddy, old man, pa, papa (also poppa),

2

father

transitive verb

1 a : beget 

c : to accept responsibility for

2 a : to fix the paternity or origin of 

b : to place responsibility for the origin or cause of 

intransitive verb

: to care for or look after someone as a father might

Nathaniel the name of my son. The name that opened my mind and my heart to the world of love. June 14, 2001 he escaped the womb, entered the world and began his journey towards me. I am not his biological father, that man's lost became my treasured second in command. I wouldn't know it till almost 2 years later when we finally crossed paths. It started with a phone call believe it or not. At the time I worked in an adult store, you guys can figure it out I'm sure. I worked the graveyard shift so I got to meet the creatures of the night. Let's just say they only come out at night for a reason.  Well one night I get a phone call at work from this chick. She goes on to tell me how cute I was and would I mind if she came down to visit me. Me thinking this was a joke,  cause I would get phone calls like this all the time, mainly from dudes, said sure why not. To my utter shock and now highly anxious response walks in this beautiful angel. Of course I'm speaking of my old lady. I fumbled and stumble through words in my head. I didn't have any courage to speak any of them and I went into immediate avoidance mode. Which is don't make I contact and keep my head slightly down. So as this angel spoke to me my pulse elevated and blood started to leave the tips of my fingers. To my amazement she offered me her number and in a petrified voice I vomitted the words "yeah sure". I tell you what I hope my son will never ever have the social awkwardness his old man carries. So one thing lead to another and we finally hook up at my house. No hanky panky believe it or not the first night, but I bring this up for a reason. As we layed there in each other's arm, my dreams of acceptance and affectation crossed the relam of fantasy and into reality. While I absorbed my nirvana state of mind, she spoke in slight tears and from her heart. "I always dreamed of finding someone like you that my son could look up to and call daddy one day". This just got real, oh did it get real. I sat in silence and played with her hair until she fell asleep. The fear and anxiety came rushing like a flood ready to devour a valley. How do I respond to such emotion, such an honor, such scary shit? I really didn't give it much thought until the day I got to meet my son. He was in his jammies and he was running around the coffee table on his tippy toes thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. I was like a sponge soaking all of this in and before I knew it she put him on my lap and he was talking to me. I was so scared and in awe of this little man. His unconditional love was so infectious. Here I am my first real relationship of my life and I am begotten this amazing child. I was the kind of person that hated children. Who thought they where severely overrated. Everybody with there cameras taking pictures and telling there boring stupid stories about there ugly kids. How there stupid kids where so smart and talented.  Yeah I was really bad about that. Of course now my kids take the best pics are smarter than your ugly stupid kids and I have a million kid stories to tell, lol. So here I go prototype dad with my prototype son. It took a lot of mistakes to figure out a lot good things. That's one of the great things about Nate. He was my guinea pig and he never gave me shit for it. I love that about that kid. I mean to be thrust into fatherhood like that and accept responsibility for a life, for life, is no walk in the park. But a walk I gladly take. I now understand my father's gaze upon my shoulders and his love. His words of wisdom and common sense. Dad you did good cause I remembered and I treasure it all. Son I love you, you make me wanna strive to be the best man I can be so I can make you proud when you speak these words." That's my dad". May you always know I couldn't ask for a better son to carry my legacy,  my morals, my love.

Enjoy your day son.

It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son - and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him. -Helen Rowland -

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 25-Faith or Insanity thin line between the both

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence."
- Bertrand Russell

faith-
noun
1 a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty 
b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions
2 a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion 
b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs 

We believe what we want to believe. I can sit here and preach to you a sermon of where and how to place your faith and beliefs.  I actually did start that process when I caught myself and said this isn't me. I'm not the preachy type. I'm trying to find a creative way of approaching what I really want to talk about. Anytime I've tried to force anything its been a complete disaster. Speaking of disasters I fell asleep again trying to write this blog last night. I think somewhere in my subconscious I have some sort of defense mechanism. It only happens when I write or when I'm overwhelmed, which lately is far to often. (Live update my old lady just contacted me on Xbox live like 20 minutes ago). I guess now is a great segway to my main topic. Our 40 minute conversation we had yesterday afternoon. Actually before I begin to describe our conversation I can't help bring up this point. One of my friends,  a ex co-worker, suggested I check out this web site where the main focus is things to stop doing to yourself. This is the link http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/. One of the thirty points is number 13.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

I'll be quoting this site quite a bit. Its actually pretty scary how many points on this list I constanly do to myself. So knowing this infomation I proceed with the conversation with the source. My faith in these matters doesn't fall under allegiance to her or trust. It's more so a belief in something that there is no proof of other than in my mind. Whatever my delsions and daydreaming at that very moment are selling, I am buying instantly. I repeat this pattern several times a day. So take all of this in before you judge my judgement, that's all I'm asking. 
So anyways she gets a hold of me through Instagram and asked if I could call her. This time around there is no fear in me not much anxiety. I don't think these are good things. I call and she ask if I can call back cause she eating lunch. About 30 minutes later another message "call back now". There's a bit of excitement in me now. ( red flag ). I go outside for a walk in my hamster wheel. My hamster wheel is a brick circle in front of my house that I lap continuously. So once again we exchange hellos and pleasantries. The gambit of how you feeling are you eating and taking your medications questions were addressed. Then the subject of us naturally comes up as we still care about each other. What that means to her and me is a completely different story for another day. Divorce subject comes up again and this time around I push the question back on her. ( I passed out again for an hour writing this just woke up.) She told me that she couldn't bring herself to do it cause she still loves me. I said the same. (Red flag) I then went on to say that love is not the problem. Love itself doesn't cause the massive amount of damage that has occur.  Love has never been my enemy human nature and dysfunction have. Both of us are responsible for different things and different amounts of pain and damage. But I wasn't qualified to point out who,what, where and why. Of course I have my opinions just like everyone else. At this point I'm burning up cause I know I'm playing with fire. We exchanged a couple more loving comments ( another red flag ) and I steered the conversation towards our kids. With as little emotional in my voice as possible,  I simply tried to explain that I'm not being a dick by not letting her speak to the kids. I'm merely shielding them from any possible confusion. I think its not fair to them or me that they might get thier hopes up and think she might show up to take them out.  If they made her something if we could go and drop it off. Which would leave me to explain that she's 2400 miles away and its just not going to happen.I've seen enough of thier tears to last me a few lifetimes. I said that no one will ever replace her as there mom and no one would replace me as there dad. That being a child of a divorced famiIy that no man or woman ever confused me on who my parents were. I think by the end of the conversation I hoped to have cemented these feelings and facts to her. I mean look a decade doesn't wash away in a few weeks or months. I have a gaping hole inside of me and I'm desperately trying to find solutions to contain the damages. I ended the conversation with faith. Faith in that today was going to be ok. Faith that I'm in control of today and have none over yesterday or tomorrow. If I can believe to breath and not see the air that allows me to live, then I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though me and god don't see eye to eye at the moment, at least I have some faith that he's looking out for me.

in·san·i·ty
noun
1 : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder 
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness 
b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 24-The Source

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"I have never thought of writing for reputation and honor. What I have in my heart must come out; that is the reason why I compose."
- Ludwig van Beethoven

I'm getting behind. I'm getting sloppy. I'm getting more emotional rather than colder. My heart is leading me into the storm. My words are digging my grave. Why can't I front? Why can't I lie? Why I'm I not learning the process of moving on? Why do I constantly take 2 steps backwards for every inch forward? Today I broke another cardinal rule of mine. Don't communicate with the source. That's what I'm calling my old lady now. She's the source of my pain, she the source of my generic happiness. The source of my great memories, the source of my darkest as well. Today is another Monday on a long list of Monday's I am to endure. Nothing special just trying to get through the day as positive as I can make it. Well a couple of hours ago , my daughter went and checked the mail. So not thinking much about it she comes into the bedroom to sort the mail, its very adorable. The first thing that catches my attention is the two envelopes containing card. My mouth dried up instantly and my heart fluttered like the wings of a humming bird. I then glanced with more effort as if not wanting to stare at a car wreck on the highway. My suspicions were confirmed. That undeniable bubble handwriting that mesmerizes me is hers. They tear into the cards like lions to a fresh gazelle kill. Pieces of paper go flying like the defeathering of a chicken or something. Thier precious smiles erase any wrong doing she has done for a minute or so. I then with much fear in my voice ask them to view these recent treasures they have uncovered. For I really didn't want to see what her generic message was crayoned in, put to physically touch what she had touched. In my delusional fantasy I romanticize this moment where in time and space we are actually hand in hand and this card simply facilitates this insane gesture. I'm looking at the card now as we speak. What will this solve or prove to my feeble heart? What desperate answer am I seeking to numb this everlasting ache? The reality of the situation is simple. Not a godamn thing. Wake up Richie its over like the day will be so a new one can rise tomorrow. Who am I to think that I can change history and insert some bullshit fairytale of a marriage. What has happened to me to twist my perceptions of the real world so badly that I must torment myself at every possible turn? I suppose I'll have everyday I'm allotted on this earth to either figure this out or fall deeper into the rabbit hole. As a side note I did actually speak with her for a few minutes. Initially I called so the kids could thank her for the cards she sent. Somehow after the she made the rounds with the kids we ended up on the phone.  It was a pretty calm conversation expect the part were I wanted to vomit from all the anxiety I was feeling. We exchanged hellos and I basically asked how she was doing. I ran the basic lineup of questions. How are you feeling, are you eating, are you taking your meds? Standard questions you asked a love one. Yes I said loved one, I know I'm an idiot get in line with everyone else who wants to smack some sense into me. The only part of the conversation I really regert was when I was asked about the divorce proceedings. I became guarded like a soldier defending his post. I said I didn't want to talk about. She kept digging trying to find the source of my evasive ways. I told her now that I have her address that she would find out in time one way or another, trying to throw her off my scent. She relayed the info with the person she's staying with. This person suggested that I was avoiding the subject causeI still loved her and didn't want to proceed forward. There's that word again forward. I very stupidly said that was a very perceptive person, which obviously exposed my true feelings at the moment. With anyone else in my life this wouldn't be such a bad thing, but with her this information is very, very dangerous.  Its sad that it is that way but history doesn't seem to dictate any other kind of behavior. 

I just freakin finished writing a whole paragraph and forgot to save it. Nothing I'm doing lately is clicking. I'm misfiring on all cylinders and burning out my engine. I'll do my best to try to remember what I just wrote.  I'm so fucking irate and frustrated at the moment. This is now the fifth time I have tried to. Finish this one page. It is now Wednesday and I started this on Monday. Between forgetting to save like six million times and the internet crashing I have forgotten all the words and feelings associated with this experiment. The best way to end this marathon of a page is to post a voicemail left by one of my dearest friends. I couldn't get a hold of her for permission, I always ask, but I'll bet she won't mind.

Friend voicemail: "Hello Richard Guillermo this is your friend I was calling you because you said that you weren't doing so well and I wanted to talk to you about that. I'm heading out now so don't call me back I'll be back home in about 30 to 40 minutes. But you know, you know your going to have bad days and its about that time when it hits you hard everytime and you know I worry about you. You need not to communicate with her I saw your attempted blog and you know you do this to yourself everytime. So anyway I'm heading over to my daughter's house briefly and then I'll be home,I love you  and I'll talk to you hopefully in about an hour you'll be able to pull your head out of your ass enough to speak to somebody.  I know its hard to talk to somebody when your head is in your ass cause you know it echoes. Alright love ya talk to you later."
Computer: end of voice message to save press 9 to delete press 7

"The great successful men of the world have used their imaginations, they think ahead and create their mental picture, and then go to work materializing that picture in all its details, filling in here, adding a little there, altering this a bit and that bit, but steadily building, steadily building."
- Robert Collier

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 23-Hit the reset button

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo Fear of falling No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

- Milan Kundera

I was going to write about failing and setting goals. Then this wave of utter boredom came over me. That's what I get for being pretenious. Let me talk about something I know my kids. So my daughter's party was a success. That little monster of an angel of mine had an awesome day. I'll like to thank my family for making an amazing memory. I couldn't have ask for better therapy than smiles and cake all day. I try and think back to my eighth birthday and I draw a complete blank. The more and more I think about it the more I can't remember much. So much of our development as adults is seeded ss children and yet I draw not much of anything from mine. I remember very random acts like playing baseball in the backyard and breaking a window. I remember if I hide long enough the whole thing would cancel itself out and I wouldn't get in trouble. God would I love a reset button right now. I remember playing Nintendo at my cousin's house and promising my parents that I would stop being a fat ass if they got me one. I remember homework and the utter anxiety of going to so many new schools. I would secretly pray for God to pause time so I could escape, like Zach Morris did in that god awful show I couldn't stop watching Save by the Bell! I remember the smell of catfish stinking up the entire house and me plotting the whole day how I was going to get out of eating that crap. I remember being so socially awkward and seeing my friends live so easily, especially when it came to girls. I envy them so much as they all but me had little girlfriends and experience the beginnings of human emotions. I was a very, very late bloomer. I remember being at church all the time. It wasn't something I enjoyed except for the social aspects of it. Even then thoses memories ain't that great either. For instance they would play this scare you straight movie called The Burning Hell! The god awful nightmares that movie gave me my god. I also remember one night at church where for some reason I decided to see how long it would take anyone to come and talk to me after the service. We would all hangout and bullshit outside the church till our parents would leave. So this Friday night my dumb 8 year old ass decided to conduct this social experiment. So I pick my spot and I wait and I observe. I wait and I observe. I wait and I observe as not a single soul even made eye contact with me. I might as well been invisible. Next thing I know my sobbing like a school girl with a skinned knee. Feeling the absolute pain of not being a person of importance. A feeling to this day that I carry and has caused me to make terrible emotional descions in my life. Now that I have reflected a little of my childhood,  I am in more fear of my children's. I pray they never have to endure a tenth of what I had to. I just want smiles and tears of joy for my babies. I can protect them from plenty, but I can't protect them from the hard knocks of living life. Love your friends and family people to your purest potential. This is all we have.  Today is all we have.

"Children have neither a past nor a future. Thus they enjoy the present - which seldom happens to us."
- Jean De La Bruyere

"I love freedom for what I can do with it, I hate freedom for what I have done with it."
- Christian Longe

"This only is denied to God: the power to undo the past."
- Agathon, from Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

page 22-To suffer is to have been blessed with something to suffer about

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
- Edgar Allan Poe

Well here we are again. I was going to speak about the blog when all of the sudden this person I don't know started talking about what drug to consume to escape reality. Let me explain a little better. I'm on Xbox live in a party , which to you non-gaming nerds, is an online community where people can chat and play games against each other. Just like most forums there is a lot of vulgarity and trash talking.  This is my escape for the time being. Well I'm laying here in my bedroom writing this blog and in a party. In this party are a couple of people I play with from time to time. Well there's this chick on here who was debating on which drug to take to numb herself. She then goes to describe how anything with a penis needs to die a horrible death. I start laughing uncontrollably and complemented her immediately to nothing but silence. I completely read the situation wrong. I shut my mouth so quickly from embarrassment and the pain in her voice struck a familiar chord.  Swallowing the foot I inserted in my mouth I quickly prepared myself for the story she was about to share. She went on to describe how he convinced her to get back with him after a 9 month break after being together initially for 4 years. I couldn't help to related to the similarities spoken about. She goes on to talk about the world being a place where love doesn't except her. How could a person not love you anymore. She didn't operate on that wave length, she didn't understand that logic or lack there of. The silence follow by every painful word she pronouced cut through me . As if I was reliving my own story. Why do I write about this ? What is it to me a strangers pain? Pain is the chain that links us all together. Pain is an unavoidable element in life.  Be it from pleasure, lost, or creation pain is required so happiness and enlightenment can be recognized.  There can't be light without darkness. There can't be victory without defeat. There can't be acceptance without rejection. I don't purposely harp on these type of matters but this is where my heart sits at the moment. My mind tends to follow my emotions. A system I would like one day to change cause it gets me in trouble. 

Today was a day of celebration. My daughter had a decent birthday. We went shopping for gifts. We had pizza for dinner and a small cake followed by a god awful rendition of happy birthday I have ever heard. None the less the smile on her face was never ending for she was loved like always and made a princess for a day. Tomorrow is the big party with all the bells and whistles. I think today was a victory for me. A very small one in a long line of defeats. I hope its a trend I can keep. So tried of losing.  So tried. 

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."
- Madeleine L'Engle

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight