page 18-Manipulating is a skill..

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Here we go again burning the midnight oil. 4:08 a.m. to be exact and not a labored wink in my head at the moment. I'm watching the hour glass like a hawk cause moms is about to be home in about 50 minutes. I don't want to be interrogated by the parent police. Yes at my age I'm still pretending to be asleep when I'm not. I don't want to have to resort to drugs to get my sleeping pattern down but it's looking more and more like the only suitable option at the moment. I'm still having my anxiety attacks. I'm still having my motivation issues.  I'm still struggling with my postion in life. I was in my own home with my own wife and children a year ago and here I am back at mom's house. Don't get me wrong my mom is my salvation at the moment. She is being the mother my children desperately need. She is supporting me cause I'm in limbo emotionally, financially, and spiritually. My mom may no be the most affectionate person in the world but she has a heart of gold. This woman is the prime example my daughters need in there life right now more than ever. She cooks for them. She cleans up after them, she entertains them,  anf most important she loves them unconditionally. My dream has turned into a nightmare. My fantasy for a text book life, a text book mircale is exactly that. A fucking fantasy. Why do I enjoy running through these cherry blossom fields, surrounded by perfect sunsets and sunrises. A place where love never dies. Where hugs and kisses never get old, never is questioned. Where time is never wasted cause we are allotted so little of it. I miss my old lady.  I miss her cooking. I miss her beautiful eyes. I miss her smile. I miss the way her hair smells. I miss the way she cut my toe nails. I miss the way she use to shave my face In the shower. I miss her ability to make me feel like a man. I miss my friend, my partner, my teacher. I don't miss the lies, the resentments, the back stabbing, the disrespect, the lack of morality,  the anger that will become her undoing. The inability to accept responsibility. The lack of vision and good judgement. Obviously she is a flawed creature but she was my flawed creature.  There is something about ownership of someone in your life. 10 years of my allotted time on this planet went to her. 10 years of not enough highs and way to many lows. 10 years I have to bury somewhere in this heart of mine. That's of course after I try to mend the pieces back together. Many will say that I have my children and that's all that matters and there right. But what my heart aches for matters to. There are no easy answers, not enough advice or good wishes that can soothe this gaping, bleeding mess of a heart of mine. Only the treatment of time can alleviate this pain of mine. I don't expect anyone to truly understand why I would mourn someone like her. Trust me I hear it all the time. I'm to good for this, there's plenty of amazing woman out there. I get it cause even though my heart has not made the best of of choices, my mind always retained the events cause one never forgets.

Its hard to pretend to love someone and even harder to pretend you don't love someone you do. I'll leave you with the most descriptive word that sadly reminds me of her all the time.

ma·nip·u·late

transitive verb

1 : to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully 

b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."
- Polybius

I'm out of steam qnd have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.