I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence."
- Bertrand Russell
faith-
noun
1 a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty
b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions
2 a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion
b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs
We believe what we want to believe. I can sit here and preach to you a sermon of where and how to place your faith and beliefs. I actually did start that process when I caught myself and said this isn't me. I'm not the preachy type. I'm trying to find a creative way of approaching what I really want to talk about. Anytime I've tried to force anything its been a complete disaster. Speaking of disasters I fell asleep again trying to write this blog last night. I think somewhere in my subconscious I have some sort of defense mechanism. It only happens when I write or when I'm overwhelmed, which lately is far to often. (Live update my old lady just contacted me on Xbox live like 20 minutes ago). I guess now is a great segway to my main topic. Our 40 minute conversation we had yesterday afternoon. Actually before I begin to describe our conversation I can't help bring up this point. One of my friends, a ex co-worker, suggested I check out this web site where the main focus is things to stop doing to yourself. This is the link http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/. One of the thirty points is number 13.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
I'll be quoting this site quite a bit. Its actually pretty scary how many points on this list I constanly do to myself. So knowing this infomation I proceed with the conversation with the source. My faith in these matters doesn't fall under allegiance to her or trust. It's more so a belief in something that there is no proof of other than in my mind. Whatever my delsions and daydreaming at that very moment are selling, I am buying instantly. I repeat this pattern several times a day. So take all of this in before you judge my judgement, that's all I'm asking.
So anyways she gets a hold of me through Instagram and asked if I could call her. This time around there is no fear in me not much anxiety. I don't think these are good things. I call and she ask if I can call back cause she eating lunch. About 30 minutes later another message "call back now". There's a bit of excitement in me now. ( red flag ). I go outside for a walk in my hamster wheel. My hamster wheel is a brick circle in front of my house that I lap continuously. So once again we exchange hellos and pleasantries. The gambit of how you feeling are you eating and taking your medications questions were addressed. Then the subject of us naturally comes up as we still care about each other. What that means to her and me is a completely different story for another day. Divorce subject comes up again and this time around I push the question back on her. ( I passed out again for an hour writing this just woke up.) She told me that she couldn't bring herself to do it cause she still loves me. I said the same. (Red flag) I then went on to say that love is not the problem. Love itself doesn't cause the massive amount of damage that has occur. Love has never been my enemy human nature and dysfunction have. Both of us are responsible for different things and different amounts of pain and damage. But I wasn't qualified to point out who,what, where and why. Of course I have my opinions just like everyone else. At this point I'm burning up cause I know I'm playing with fire. We exchanged a couple more loving comments ( another red flag ) and I steered the conversation towards our kids. With as little emotional in my voice as possible, I simply tried to explain that I'm not being a dick by not letting her speak to the kids. I'm merely shielding them from any possible confusion. I think its not fair to them or me that they might get thier hopes up and think she might show up to take them out. If they made her something if we could go and drop it off. Which would leave me to explain that she's 2400 miles away and its just not going to happen.I've seen enough of thier tears to last me a few lifetimes. I said that no one will ever replace her as there mom and no one would replace me as there dad. That being a child of a divorced famiIy that no man or woman ever confused me on who my parents were. I think by the end of the conversation I hoped to have cemented these feelings and facts to her. I mean look a decade doesn't wash away in a few weeks or months. I have a gaping hole inside of me and I'm desperately trying to find solutions to contain the damages. I ended the conversation with faith. Faith in that today was going to be ok. Faith that I'm in control of today and have none over yesterday or tomorrow. If I can believe to breath and not see the air that allows me to live, then I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though me and god don't see eye to eye at the moment, at least I have some faith that he's looking out for me.
in·san·i·ty
noun
1 : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness
b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
- Bertrand Russell
faith-
noun
1 a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty
b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions
2 a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion
b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs
We believe what we want to believe. I can sit here and preach to you a sermon of where and how to place your faith and beliefs. I actually did start that process when I caught myself and said this isn't me. I'm not the preachy type. I'm trying to find a creative way of approaching what I really want to talk about. Anytime I've tried to force anything its been a complete disaster. Speaking of disasters I fell asleep again trying to write this blog last night. I think somewhere in my subconscious I have some sort of defense mechanism. It only happens when I write or when I'm overwhelmed, which lately is far to often. (Live update my old lady just contacted me on Xbox live like 20 minutes ago). I guess now is a great segway to my main topic. Our 40 minute conversation we had yesterday afternoon. Actually before I begin to describe our conversation I can't help bring up this point. One of my friends, a ex co-worker, suggested I check out this web site where the main focus is things to stop doing to yourself. This is the link http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/. One of the thirty points is number 13.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
I'll be quoting this site quite a bit. Its actually pretty scary how many points on this list I constanly do to myself. So knowing this infomation I proceed with the conversation with the source. My faith in these matters doesn't fall under allegiance to her or trust. It's more so a belief in something that there is no proof of other than in my mind. Whatever my delsions and daydreaming at that very moment are selling, I am buying instantly. I repeat this pattern several times a day. So take all of this in before you judge my judgement, that's all I'm asking.
So anyways she gets a hold of me through Instagram and asked if I could call her. This time around there is no fear in me not much anxiety. I don't think these are good things. I call and she ask if I can call back cause she eating lunch. About 30 minutes later another message "call back now". There's a bit of excitement in me now. ( red flag ). I go outside for a walk in my hamster wheel. My hamster wheel is a brick circle in front of my house that I lap continuously. So once again we exchange hellos and pleasantries. The gambit of how you feeling are you eating and taking your medications questions were addressed. Then the subject of us naturally comes up as we still care about each other. What that means to her and me is a completely different story for another day. Divorce subject comes up again and this time around I push the question back on her. ( I passed out again for an hour writing this just woke up.) She told me that she couldn't bring herself to do it cause she still loves me. I said the same. (Red flag) I then went on to say that love is not the problem. Love itself doesn't cause the massive amount of damage that has occur. Love has never been my enemy human nature and dysfunction have. Both of us are responsible for different things and different amounts of pain and damage. But I wasn't qualified to point out who,what, where and why. Of course I have my opinions just like everyone else. At this point I'm burning up cause I know I'm playing with fire. We exchanged a couple more loving comments ( another red flag ) and I steered the conversation towards our kids. With as little emotional in my voice as possible, I simply tried to explain that I'm not being a dick by not letting her speak to the kids. I'm merely shielding them from any possible confusion. I think its not fair to them or me that they might get thier hopes up and think she might show up to take them out. If they made her something if we could go and drop it off. Which would leave me to explain that she's 2400 miles away and its just not going to happen.I've seen enough of thier tears to last me a few lifetimes. I said that no one will ever replace her as there mom and no one would replace me as there dad. That being a child of a divorced famiIy that no man or woman ever confused me on who my parents were. I think by the end of the conversation I hoped to have cemented these feelings and facts to her. I mean look a decade doesn't wash away in a few weeks or months. I have a gaping hole inside of me and I'm desperately trying to find solutions to contain the damages. I ended the conversation with faith. Faith in that today was going to be ok. Faith that I'm in control of today and have none over yesterday or tomorrow. If I can believe to breath and not see the air that allows me to live, then I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though me and god don't see eye to eye at the moment, at least I have some faith that he's looking out for me.
in·san·i·ty
noun
1 : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness
b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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