page 23-Hit the reset button

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo Fear of falling No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

- Milan Kundera

I was going to write about failing and setting goals. Then this wave of utter boredom came over me. That's what I get for being pretenious. Let me talk about something I know my kids. So my daughter's party was a success. That little monster of an angel of mine had an awesome day. I'll like to thank my family for making an amazing memory. I couldn't have ask for better therapy than smiles and cake all day. I try and think back to my eighth birthday and I draw a complete blank. The more and more I think about it the more I can't remember much. So much of our development as adults is seeded ss children and yet I draw not much of anything from mine. I remember very random acts like playing baseball in the backyard and breaking a window. I remember if I hide long enough the whole thing would cancel itself out and I wouldn't get in trouble. God would I love a reset button right now. I remember playing Nintendo at my cousin's house and promising my parents that I would stop being a fat ass if they got me one. I remember homework and the utter anxiety of going to so many new schools. I would secretly pray for God to pause time so I could escape, like Zach Morris did in that god awful show I couldn't stop watching Save by the Bell! I remember the smell of catfish stinking up the entire house and me plotting the whole day how I was going to get out of eating that crap. I remember being so socially awkward and seeing my friends live so easily, especially when it came to girls. I envy them so much as they all but me had little girlfriends and experience the beginnings of human emotions. I was a very, very late bloomer. I remember being at church all the time. It wasn't something I enjoyed except for the social aspects of it. Even then thoses memories ain't that great either. For instance they would play this scare you straight movie called The Burning Hell! The god awful nightmares that movie gave me my god. I also remember one night at church where for some reason I decided to see how long it would take anyone to come and talk to me after the service. We would all hangout and bullshit outside the church till our parents would leave. So this Friday night my dumb 8 year old ass decided to conduct this social experiment. So I pick my spot and I wait and I observe. I wait and I observe. I wait and I observe as not a single soul even made eye contact with me. I might as well been invisible. Next thing I know my sobbing like a school girl with a skinned knee. Feeling the absolute pain of not being a person of importance. A feeling to this day that I carry and has caused me to make terrible emotional descions in my life. Now that I have reflected a little of my childhood,  I am in more fear of my children's. I pray they never have to endure a tenth of what I had to. I just want smiles and tears of joy for my babies. I can protect them from plenty, but I can't protect them from the hard knocks of living life. Love your friends and family people to your purest potential. This is all we have.  Today is all we have.

"Children have neither a past nor a future. Thus they enjoy the present - which seldom happens to us."
- Jean De La Bruyere

"I love freedom for what I can do with it, I hate freedom for what I have done with it."
- Christian Longe

"This only is denied to God: the power to undo the past."
- Agathon, from Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight