I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
It is 6:21 a.m. and the sun is starting to penetrate the vast darkness that swallows my body. It keeps breaking the safety of the dark. The only one that can see me is me. I like that very much so. I pick my spots when to show the world my body, my my thoughts, my excuses. Once again my mind shut down my body last night as I was going to start writing this. Its happened 10 times in the last 2 weeks. I almost wait for it now. It's become another blanket of comfort in my many dysfunctional habits of mine. Another reason another excuse to cover whatever harbors within me. I must be a hell of a host to this thing. Maybe its the best relationship I've ever had in my life. My sadness and me. There's the title of my new book, lol. I could keep going and try to be all philosophical about why I am the way I am. I rather let you in on one of my stream of consciousness conversations I had not to long ago. Not even the darkness could hide what's been screaming to come out. Side note I have fallen asleep twice trying nto finish this its now 6:43 a.m. the next day. This is getting retarded. This has been an exhausting experience.
Friend: Man....I have so many memories of us growing up together and all that comes to mind was how quiet you always were. I saw your pain back then...I see your pain now! It's so clear to me. You hide from others...but you can't hide from those that share the same aura as you!!
Friend: I honestly feel that I am probably the only one that can really sit in the center of your storm, look up at the eye of the hurricane and see your turmoil the same way you see it.
Me: I'm glad you got this much out of it cause you don't know how much you help and motivate me
Friend: I'm actually motivating and helping myself as I help you.
Friend: Awe!!! I'm not one to be emotional...but this is really touching.
Me: You don't judge and that's what I need, about me or her
Me: Two sides always, right or wrong, two sides. No one is mistake or evil free
Friend: Exactly. Judging is for God and those who are living it. Not for anyone else. I've been judged all my life and every person who ever judged me was wrong.
Friend: You have shown more strength than ever expected!!! I'm really proud and glad that I'm a small part of this journey with you!!
Me:I feel I have nothing to be proud of
Friend: Be proud of the fact that you are opening up. You are accepting your feelings for what they are.That's a huge step!!
Me: I'm failing so badly in the normalization of life
Friend: I know, but you're maturing and accepting yourself. That's the most important thing.
You're using this experience to grow and learn from it. Many cant do that! Any bad experience I've had in my life, I've used it as a learning experience. Nothing more. The same goes for the good experiences.
Me: I don't know if I'm changing. Or just more aware
Friend: Life is about learning and changing.
Friend: You are. When you're changing you become aware. Awareness is a stepping stone for learning.
Me: History has a tendency to repeat itself
Friend: No!!!! We learn and study about history so it won't repeat itself.
Me: I feel the pull I fight it constantly, now as we speak
Friend: The pull is your heart. Be mindful that your heart doesn't have a brain! Your heart isn't the smartest organ we have.Your own heart will betray you! Don't let it trick you!!Use your brain...your brain will always follow directions. Your heart won't!
Me: Betrayal has become normalcy
Friend: But you have to see above that. Betrayal is not normal.
Me: I love her and don't know how to stop
Friend: I know you love her. But you are useless unless you love yourself more than you love her!
Me: I know we are toxic for each other
Friend: But that's the thing...you're missing the entire point. Love yourself more than you love anyone else. Even your kids.
Me: I know she is my siren at sea
Friend: Sounds selfish but trust me...that's what will fix you!!
Friend: You're focusing on what you believe to be real love.
Me: But it all stems from my perception
Friend: Your perception is always going to be thwarted by your experiences.
Friend: Love doesn't hurt you. Love doesn't abandon you or hurt you.
Me: It has my parents left me, abandon me emotionally, hurt me. They destabilize my view of happiness. I didn't think about it till now
Friend: That's the problem right there. You have to deal with that. Forgive your parents. You won't be able to move on, until you do.
Me: I have but the imprint is there no matter how hard I scrub
Friend: Then you haven't forgiven them and perception isn't reality.
Me: That's why I'm either stupid or insane, if this is still present somewhere in my mind
Friend: You're not stupid and far from insane.
Me:I thought I forgave them cause my logical side understands wrong descions and consequences
Friend: I know. But you have to move past that.
Me: It was not there intention I get that, but nonetheless its what I learn when I just started to emotionally grow. Its like learning to walk proper posture, when you think you know how to walk already
Friend: You're stuck in a rut. You learned how to walk. Does it really matter what technique was used to teach you? You learned how to love your kids unconditionally.Does it matter that you were loved unconditionally?
Me: My kids are not the issue its me! Its her! I'm addicted to this pain. It consumes me over and over and over
Friend: This is a monster you've created! It consumes you because you let it consume you!!
Me: Yes my monster cause it's what I deserve
Friend: Man up and face the monster. Tell the monster you are no longer it's pawn!!
Why do you deserve it
Me: Cause I'm not allowed to be happy I'm not allowed to sustain it, cause its to bright, to fucking strong and at the end of the day I'm to weak
Friend: If I was within arms distance of you I would slap you for that last comment! Who says you aren't allowed to be happy?
Me: Life, God, call it what you want
Friend: Your old lady? Does she have that much power? Who's fault is that?? It's time to take back what is rightfully yours...your life!!!
Me: Your suppose to give of yourself to your spouse
Friend: Only when your spouse give him/herself back to you!!
Me: I know she never did in return full and the fact that I know it cements my weakness to fight it. This is why I struggle, this is why I fail
Friend: Because you allowed her to control you. Her downs were your downs.You can't control others feelings and thoughts. Who gave you that idea??
Me: My fantasy as I lived through movies and television cause I was always on the outside looking in. All I ever wanted was her love
Friend: You're focusing on the wrong thing. You wanted acceptance. Acceptance from your parents.You can't control your parents or her...you can only control yourself!! I love you, richie! Does that even mean anything to you!!
Me: There is that word again, love and yourself. Yes it does
Friend: How did her opinion Of you become so important??
Me: Cause everyone before her rejected m, because she gave me the affection I was starving for forever. She broke the cycle, she chased me, she got me even if it was for a little while
Friend: Because you didn't love yourself. You're searching for love in all the wrong places.
Me: I'm a failure, I'm worthless, I always had the word potential held above my fucking big head
Friend: Snap out of it!!
Me: A drop of water to a thirsty man feels like a river of refreshment
Friend: But you're missing the point. Learn from your mishaps. Make sure your kids don't suffer there same turnmoil.
Me: I fear the road of rejection so badly that it has crippled my life. Its all on me, all on me
Friend: That's only because you haven't learned to love yourself. I know that feeling. The need to be accepted. The need to be loved. You aren't the only one thats suffered. P
Me: I know I'm not conceited enough to think that at all but I'm the only one that has to live with myself constantly and I hate my roomate lol
Friend: If its not edifying...then it's destroying. Get rid of the roommate!!
Me: He wines and doesn't clean up after himself
"Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain."
- Helen Rowland
"Unless a man or woman has experienced the darkness of the soul he or she can know nothing of that transforming laughter without which no hint of the ultimate reality of the opposites can be faintly intuited."
- Helen Luke
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
Friend: Man....I have so many memories of us growing up together and all that comes to mind was how quiet you always were. I saw your pain back then...I see your pain now! It's so clear to me. You hide from others...but you can't hide from those that share the same aura as you!!
Friend: I honestly feel that I am probably the only one that can really sit in the center of your storm, look up at the eye of the hurricane and see your turmoil the same way you see it.
Me: I'm glad you got this much out of it cause you don't know how much you help and motivate me
Friend: I'm actually motivating and helping myself as I help you.
Friend: Awe!!! I'm not one to be emotional...but this is really touching.
Me: You don't judge and that's what I need, about me or her
Me: Two sides always, right or wrong, two sides. No one is mistake or evil free
Friend: Exactly. Judging is for God and those who are living it. Not for anyone else. I've been judged all my life and every person who ever judged me was wrong.
Friend: You have shown more strength than ever expected!!! I'm really proud and glad that I'm a small part of this journey with you!!
Me:I feel I have nothing to be proud of
Friend: Be proud of the fact that you are opening up. You are accepting your feelings for what they are.That's a huge step!!
Me: I'm failing so badly in the normalization of life
Friend: I know, but you're maturing and accepting yourself. That's the most important thing.
You're using this experience to grow and learn from it. Many cant do that! Any bad experience I've had in my life, I've used it as a learning experience. Nothing more. The same goes for the good experiences.
Me: I don't know if I'm changing. Or just more aware
Friend: Life is about learning and changing.
Friend: You are. When you're changing you become aware. Awareness is a stepping stone for learning.
Me: History has a tendency to repeat itself
Friend: No!!!! We learn and study about history so it won't repeat itself.
Me: I feel the pull I fight it constantly, now as we speak
Friend: The pull is your heart. Be mindful that your heart doesn't have a brain! Your heart isn't the smartest organ we have.Your own heart will betray you! Don't let it trick you!!Use your brain...your brain will always follow directions. Your heart won't!
Me: Betrayal has become normalcy
Friend: But you have to see above that. Betrayal is not normal.
Me: I love her and don't know how to stop
Friend: I know you love her. But you are useless unless you love yourself more than you love her!
Me: I know we are toxic for each other
Friend: But that's the thing...you're missing the entire point. Love yourself more than you love anyone else. Even your kids.
Me: I know she is my siren at sea
Friend: Sounds selfish but trust me...that's what will fix you!!
Friend: You're focusing on what you believe to be real love.
Me: But it all stems from my perception
Friend: Your perception is always going to be thwarted by your experiences.
Friend: Love doesn't hurt you. Love doesn't abandon you or hurt you.
Me: It has my parents left me, abandon me emotionally, hurt me. They destabilize my view of happiness. I didn't think about it till now
Friend: That's the problem right there. You have to deal with that. Forgive your parents. You won't be able to move on, until you do.
Me: I have but the imprint is there no matter how hard I scrub
Friend: Then you haven't forgiven them and perception isn't reality.
Me: That's why I'm either stupid or insane, if this is still present somewhere in my mind
Friend: You're not stupid and far from insane.
Me:I thought I forgave them cause my logical side understands wrong descions and consequences
Friend: I know. But you have to move past that.
Me: It was not there intention I get that, but nonetheless its what I learn when I just started to emotionally grow. Its like learning to walk proper posture, when you think you know how to walk already
Friend: You're stuck in a rut. You learned how to walk. Does it really matter what technique was used to teach you? You learned how to love your kids unconditionally.Does it matter that you were loved unconditionally?
Me: My kids are not the issue its me! Its her! I'm addicted to this pain. It consumes me over and over and over
Friend: This is a monster you've created! It consumes you because you let it consume you!!
Me: Yes my monster cause it's what I deserve
Friend: Man up and face the monster. Tell the monster you are no longer it's pawn!!
Why do you deserve it
Me: Cause I'm not allowed to be happy I'm not allowed to sustain it, cause its to bright, to fucking strong and at the end of the day I'm to weak
Friend: If I was within arms distance of you I would slap you for that last comment! Who says you aren't allowed to be happy?
Me: Life, God, call it what you want
Friend: Your old lady? Does she have that much power? Who's fault is that?? It's time to take back what is rightfully yours...your life!!!
Me: Your suppose to give of yourself to your spouse
Friend: Only when your spouse give him/herself back to you!!
Me: I know she never did in return full and the fact that I know it cements my weakness to fight it. This is why I struggle, this is why I fail
Friend: Because you allowed her to control you. Her downs were your downs.You can't control others feelings and thoughts. Who gave you that idea??
Me: My fantasy as I lived through movies and television cause I was always on the outside looking in. All I ever wanted was her love
Friend: You're focusing on the wrong thing. You wanted acceptance. Acceptance from your parents.You can't control your parents or her...you can only control yourself!! I love you, richie! Does that even mean anything to you!!
Me: There is that word again, love and yourself. Yes it does
Friend: How did her opinion Of you become so important??
Me: Cause everyone before her rejected m, because she gave me the affection I was starving for forever. She broke the cycle, she chased me, she got me even if it was for a little while
Friend: Because you didn't love yourself. You're searching for love in all the wrong places.
Me: I'm a failure, I'm worthless, I always had the word potential held above my fucking big head
Friend: Snap out of it!!
Me: A drop of water to a thirsty man feels like a river of refreshment
Friend: But you're missing the point. Learn from your mishaps. Make sure your kids don't suffer there same turnmoil.
Me: I fear the road of rejection so badly that it has crippled my life. Its all on me, all on me
Friend: That's only because you haven't learned to love yourself. I know that feeling. The need to be accepted. The need to be loved. You aren't the only one thats suffered. P
Me: I know I'm not conceited enough to think that at all but I'm the only one that has to live with myself constantly and I hate my roomate lol
Friend: If its not edifying...then it's destroying. Get rid of the roommate!!
Me: He wines and doesn't clean up after himself
"Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain."
- Helen Rowland
"Unless a man or woman has experienced the darkness of the soul he or she can know nothing of that transforming laughter without which no hint of the ultimate reality of the opposites can be faintly intuited."
- Helen Luke
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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