I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
hos·tage
2 : one that is involuntarily controlled by an outside influence
sab·o·tage
1 : destruction
3 a : an act or process tending to hamper or hurt
b : deliberate subversion
fear
1 archaic : frighten
2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)
3 : to have a reverential awe of <fear God>
4 : to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>
intransitive verb
: to be afraid or apprehensive <feared for their lives>
These 3 words are the building blocks of c4 that I use to constantly sabotage my life. Over the years i have come up with a systematic campaign of negativity that has brought me to this position in life. Of course I've had help from my so called "better half" to cement my current status. I have this god awful learned ability to hold myself hostage using fear as my weapon of terror. Why I am not sure. When to often. The best example I can use is the current situation with my old lady. I promised myself that I would not contact her no more. So like usual cause she is my kryptonite. I started a Hey Wire account, which is a texting app on my tablet, and texted her a few weeks ago.Henceforth allowing an outside influence to control my emotional well being, aka hostage. Then the apprehensive feeling of terror and anxiety whenever she contacted me followed, aka fear. My English teacher would be giving me brownie points right now for working in the words sabotage, hostage and fear lol. Having this triangle of destruction will make any opportunity to succeed nearly impossible. This constant bombardment of bad vibes weakens one self worth, respect, and resolve. Unfortunately my "better half" knows this information, though she'll never admit it, and uses it to keep me hostage while sabotaging me with the utter fears of my insecurities. Don't get me wrong I do it to myself plenty, but to have my "better half" in on this dysfunctional behavior is just fucked up. Which leads me to believe now that me contacting her via phone the other day might of been a scam. I mean the situation, like she called it, was extreme. My love and concern heart strings where right for the picking. Now that I have time to reflect I feel like I got played like a fiddle. This is the kind of bullshit that clouts and terrorize my judgment and feelings all the time. God its exhausting just writing and thinking about the whole process. So after some thought and strength on my part, I deleted the app. Not before sending her one last message. If she wants to contact me or the kids to get a piece of paper and grab a pen and put in some thought and effort in what you really want to say. We would appreciate it more I think.
A little bit of stress isn't the worst thing in the world. It motivates me to force myself to think and accomplish something in my life. I can't help but to push that aside for now and talk about what just happened to me the last 30 minutes. Mind you its 6 in the morning. As usual I'm up all night unable to wrestle this Goliath of a problem with my sleeping pattern. So I usually write or work on some music to help me relax. Tonight it was left 4 dead 2. It's an Xbox game that allows me to immerse my fantasy of living through a zombie doomsday scenario. I have a multitude of online friends that I can share this experience with. Tonight it was my old truth or dare partners. I usually don't like using names so I will go with gamertags instead. One is a dude named loooool the other is a chick named StingyOwl. I just met these guys about a week ago maybe two weeks at the most. I like spending time with these two cause it allows me to just be silly and funny. It's nice to be able to not have to be who I need to be and be who I want to be. So like clockwork the truth or dare game came up again. Which I was secretly hoping for. This time around it got taken to a different level. We are always curious of the unknown. I think that's what drives us. I always pick truths cause its more exciting that way. I was asked who has traumatized the worst in my life and what would I do to them. All the sudden the trip to forgetville came to an abrupt stop. He comes the heavy hand of life smacking me out of my safe zone again. With not much thought I go into the personal details of my marriage. I go into the amazing amount of heart ache I have endured. I go into what my children have endured. I admit to them what I've been so desperately trying to ignore. My old lady has been the thorn that stabs me every time I reach gor the beauty of life. Be it happiness, success or my favorite love. The one person I committed my life to in front of god, turn out to be a fallen angel. The air seem to come to a pause as I purged my heart out. This is real, this is devastating, this is my life. By the end of my tale I had capture a moment in time. They both offered their support which was very generous and touching. I wasn't campaigning for votes of sympathy or pity, I was just answering a question. I don't realize the magnitude of my situation until its reflected off the eyes of others.
"Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults."
- Antisthenes
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
A little bit of stress isn't the worst thing in the world. It motivates me to force myself to think and accomplish something in my life. I can't help but to push that aside for now and talk about what just happened to me the last 30 minutes. Mind you its 6 in the morning. As usual I'm up all night unable to wrestle this Goliath of a problem with my sleeping pattern. So I usually write or work on some music to help me relax. Tonight it was left 4 dead 2. It's an Xbox game that allows me to immerse my fantasy of living through a zombie doomsday scenario. I have a multitude of online friends that I can share this experience with. Tonight it was my old truth or dare partners. I usually don't like using names so I will go with gamertags instead. One is a dude named loooool the other is a chick named StingyOwl. I just met these guys about a week ago maybe two weeks at the most. I like spending time with these two cause it allows me to just be silly and funny. It's nice to be able to not have to be who I need to be and be who I want to be. So like clockwork the truth or dare game came up again. Which I was secretly hoping for. This time around it got taken to a different level. We are always curious of the unknown. I think that's what drives us. I always pick truths cause its more exciting that way. I was asked who has traumatized the worst in my life and what would I do to them. All the sudden the trip to forgetville came to an abrupt stop. He comes the heavy hand of life smacking me out of my safe zone again. With not much thought I go into the personal details of my marriage. I go into the amazing amount of heart ache I have endured. I go into what my children have endured. I admit to them what I've been so desperately trying to ignore. My old lady has been the thorn that stabs me every time I reach gor the beauty of life. Be it happiness, success or my favorite love. The one person I committed my life to in front of god, turn out to be a fallen angel. The air seem to come to a pause as I purged my heart out. This is real, this is devastating, this is my life. By the end of my tale I had capture a moment in time. They both offered their support which was very generous and touching. I wasn't campaigning for votes of sympathy or pity, I was just answering a question. I don't realize the magnitude of my situation until its reflected off the eyes of others.
"Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults."
- Antisthenes
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
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