I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"...solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life we receive counsels and comforts, we get under no other condition..."
- Amelia Barr
6:42 a.m. and my wet feet hit my the foot of my bed. I've slept a total of 1hr 32 mins. I say this as my new bud, King the giant Doberman, is back at my house and woke me with his panicy energy. He didn't bark, he didn't wine, he simply was about to squat in the corner of my room. I wake up from a dead sleep to see this enormous dog about to shit in my room. Which by the way has carpet in it. So imagine the gratitude I felt in stopping him and taking him outside. God I love the smell of liquid diarrhea in the morning. I think I just vomitted in my mouth...lol. I digress to why I'm not going back to bed and instead talking yo you kind folks. Today is another small step forward in my painful progression. I am very anxious at the possibilty of moving ahead without her. Yes she still haunts me everyday, not ever second of my life but she definitely makes an apperance. I was actually speak to one of my newer friends I've made in the recent weeks about her a bit. I talked about our recent conversation I had with my old lady and how it unfolded. A few days ago I get woken up by the lovely messages she had left on my mom's phone. She basically goes on to detail how my mother is not there mother and thanks god she's not cause she rasied a couple of screw ups allready. These screw ups are me and my 2 sisters. The message goes on for a bit with more lovely remarks and a few menacing words. I guess I could go and transcribe the voicemail but its to diffcult and negative to repeat. This prompts me to eventually call her. After consulting with my inner counsel, you guys know who you are, aganist thier advice I give her a ring. As the saliva in my mouth dries up and my jaw tenses up as if I'm anticipating a fight, I hear the voice of the source. My instinct is to unleash the big guns and inflict the same kind of venom and angry she relayed in the message. I hear her soft exhausted voice and it immediately dampers my fire. We exchange hellos and then a slight awkward pause. I take a deep breath as I take my plunge into the belly of the beast. I say to her is that the best way of communicating her frustrations to me about the situation at hand. Her logic is that the nastier the message the more percentages work in her favor for me to respond. As screwy as this sounds here I am on the phone responding to such a message. Mission accomplished. The conversation takes a turn for the worst, as if being in the calm eye of a hurricane and now hitting the bands of destruction. I start rasing my voice a bit as I explain kidnapping to her and my frustrations start to raise to the surface.
kid·nap
transitive verb
: to seize and detain or carry away by unlawful force or fraud and often with a demand for ransom
The situation we are in is no where near what the definition defines. I've done explained to her in the past that if she walked outbon us, that I would not facilitate a way for her to communicate with me or the kids. I feel that if she wants to abandon her responsibility as a mother, why do I have to make that as easy as possible. The amount of suffering my children have endured is enough. I don't need them getting confuse that mom is coming to see them any time soon. Hope is the biggest threat to there fragile little hearts at the moment. I then go on to saying that my mother is doing her job and that she's not qualified to be a mother to my kids. She keeps bringing up how we are nothing to my son cause biologically he's not mine. But here we are with much love taking care of him no different than his sisters. I start yelling that she adandon him espically. Since according to the laws of the land I have no legal say over him.
aban·don
transitive verb
1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent
b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in
3 : to withdraw protection, support, or help from
4 : to give (oneself) over unrestrainedly
5 a : to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using
b : to cease intending or attempting to perform
As soon as I started dropping these bombs of reality in her world she lost it. Her ramblings and tone sound like a chicken with its head cut off. I then ended the conversation by hanging up on her. Feeling some sort of satisfaction cause I wasn't in pieces after this argument, it was short lived cause the toxicity of this relationship is very tragic. Its so unfortunate to see the decline of such a thing. To my credit I have not analyzed this conversation to death and I feel I'm accepting the unavoidable truth. That it is really over my marriage, like many other aspects I've failed in my life, is over.
"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."
- Walter Stegner
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
kid·nap
transitive verb
: to seize and detain or carry away by unlawful force or fraud and often with a demand for ransom
The situation we are in is no where near what the definition defines. I've done explained to her in the past that if she walked outbon us, that I would not facilitate a way for her to communicate with me or the kids. I feel that if she wants to abandon her responsibility as a mother, why do I have to make that as easy as possible. The amount of suffering my children have endured is enough. I don't need them getting confuse that mom is coming to see them any time soon. Hope is the biggest threat to there fragile little hearts at the moment. I then go on to saying that my mother is doing her job and that she's not qualified to be a mother to my kids. She keeps bringing up how we are nothing to my son cause biologically he's not mine. But here we are with much love taking care of him no different than his sisters. I start yelling that she adandon him espically. Since according to the laws of the land I have no legal say over him.
aban·don
transitive verb
1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent
b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in
3 : to withdraw protection, support, or help from
4 : to give (oneself) over unrestrainedly
5 a : to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using
b : to cease intending or attempting to perform
As soon as I started dropping these bombs of reality in her world she lost it. Her ramblings and tone sound like a chicken with its head cut off. I then ended the conversation by hanging up on her. Feeling some sort of satisfaction cause I wasn't in pieces after this argument, it was short lived cause the toxicity of this relationship is very tragic. Its so unfortunate to see the decline of such a thing. To my credit I have not analyzed this conversation to death and I feel I'm accepting the unavoidable truth. That it is really over my marriage, like many other aspects I've failed in my life, is over.
"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."
- Walter Stegner
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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