My heart sinked, my mouth dried up, I got numb. This ain't happening, no this is not real, why is this guy fucking with me, this isn't funny. Then the coldness of reality made the hairs on the back of neck rise. I hear the blades of the chopper. Oh my god she's going to die on the phone, I'm not there to comfort her. I'm not there to wipe the glass off her chest and look into her beautiful eyes. "The chopper is here she's still semi-conscious do you want to talk to her?". "I prayed with her before I called you, its bad but I'm been here with her the whole time." With all the courage and feeling I could squeeze out I exhaled "yes, please." With barley any strength in her voice she spoke. "Babe, I'm sorry, I'm scared, I'm under a semi." "Tell the babies I love them, I love you babe, I'm sorry." I reply the text book answer in complete shock,"It's okay babe, your going to be fine." "Your going to make it so you can tell them yourself, I love you." Her voice evaporates as she passes the phone off. The guy his name was John tells me that the paramedics are about to attempt to pull her out of the van. He continues to go on to describe the scene and soon enough his voice evaporates as well as I slowly drift into oblivion again . I can't remember anything else, next thing I know a few hours have gone by and I'm still in the same spot. Phone rings its the hospital asking my permission to inflate her lung cause it collapsed.
The intensity of the situation no longer affects me like that initial phone call did. After finding out that she was out of the critical condition and stable I made my arrangements. I was on the horn announcing yet again another disaster. I was overwhelmed and lost. I can't imagine what was going through her head. Being alone in pain and broken. My anger kept manifesting at the stupidity of the event. Unfortunately I let it dictate my actions to the point where I didn't see her for 3 days after the accident. I'm not proud of that. I failed her as a friend, a husband and a human being. Not being there for her through one of the darkest moments in her life. At that moment in time being right or I told you so didn't solve a damn thing. My wife needed me and I was absent. It was not untill recently when I found myself hospitalized and she wasn't there for me did the magnitude of that decision sink in fully. Anger and resentment are poisonous aspects of life to carry. They can blind and cripple you without you even knowing. I couldn't even take care of my kids. The lights were on but nobody was home.
Once I got the kids squared away the day of visitation came. God was I scared. I was afraid to see the carnage of the trauma she had absorb. Once I got there I drove around the hospital for half an hour avoiding the inevitable. My feet felt like concrete walking in through those doors. The sounds of the machines that were supporting still haunt me. There she was put together with steel and wire. She was pale and bruised. Still had pieces of glass on her neck and in her hair. The emotion started to infiltrate my heart. The tears I wanted to cry for the last 3 days began escaping my soul. The guilt and remorse of me not being there for her overwhelmed me. She opened those intoxicating eyes of her and spoke "hey babe." I kissed her forehead and held her hand. I looked outside and saw the sun setting and the end of another day. Tomorrow will come and together we watched the sun remove all the darkness around us. The road we need to travel is in front of us. Hopefully we can endure the bumps and nights to see the sun rise and reward us with the beauty life has to offer.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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