I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"Quit thinking that you must halt before the barrier of inner negativity. You need not. You can crash through...whatever we see a negative state, that is where we can destroy it."
- Vernon Howard
I was writing about the anniversity of my old lady far accident for the last 3 days. I've been a lazy fuck about writing lately. My mind seems to be dormant. My soul oblivious to my emotions and affairs. I think it's part of my defense mechanism. I don't think it's that bad of a thing. Everything needs rest even turmoil and chaos. As always thou eventually I get a wave of motivation. I am gushing with emotions at the moment. Ideas of death and time penetrate me like a knife. I feel I can't express enough of what's being process in my skull. My kids are weighing heavy on my heart at the moment. There vacant smiles and quiet moments that last seconds here and seconds there are eating awawy at me like cancer. Everyday that I spend with them is a day I'll never get back. I'm wasting these beautiful opportunities on my menusha. I understand I'm in bad place finally seeing some light. There love is unconditional. I learn so much from them on a daily basis. The I thanks yous or the I love yous, invigorate my soul. Them uttering the word daddy is still fucking awesome. All these little moments are slowly but surely gluing the pieces of my broken heart. Speaking of broken hearts, my old lady is also renting out space in my head at the moment as well.
re·demp·tion
noun
: the act, process, or an instance of redeeming
adjective
: serving to offset or compensate for a defect
What is love, marriage, forgiveness, evil? How do these words work themselves into my life and how much power do I give them. Each word can easily mix with the other creating nany combinations. I was raised in the Pentecostal system. I believe in forgiving your love ones. I have failed my friends, my family, and I'm pretty sure God. I have been forgiven multiple times and will to again in the future. I also have been screwed over and just plain done wrong. Unfortunately the biggest hypocrites I know have been people of the church. Redemption is a powerful and difficult thing. Is she capable of living right in my eyes, your eyes and God's? Anybody is capable of anything at anytime for all or none reasons. That what makes us saints or monsters and everything in between. I'm sure your wondering why am I preaching? I'm not I'm just introducing this side of myself. It's a side I'm not to comfortable showing but I am none the less. My old lady is in need of help and I saw this coming a while ago. I can't help anyone when I still am learning to care of me. You go to save the drowning victim and in the process they drown you. I will say this truthfully and with no fear. I do love her, I do worry, I do care. But she's made her bed and now has to lay in it. Growing pains, with mistakes comes solutions. We get answers when we are all out questions. Cause in the dark, in our hearts and in our dreams, is the truth haunting us constantly.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
- Vernon Howard
I was writing about the anniversity of my old lady far accident for the last 3 days. I've been a lazy fuck about writing lately. My mind seems to be dormant. My soul oblivious to my emotions and affairs. I think it's part of my defense mechanism. I don't think it's that bad of a thing. Everything needs rest even turmoil and chaos. As always thou eventually I get a wave of motivation. I am gushing with emotions at the moment. Ideas of death and time penetrate me like a knife. I feel I can't express enough of what's being process in my skull. My kids are weighing heavy on my heart at the moment. There vacant smiles and quiet moments that last seconds here and seconds there are eating awawy at me like cancer. Everyday that I spend with them is a day I'll never get back. I'm wasting these beautiful opportunities on my menusha. I understand I'm in bad place finally seeing some light. There love is unconditional. I learn so much from them on a daily basis. The I thanks yous or the I love yous, invigorate my soul. Them uttering the word daddy is still fucking awesome. All these little moments are slowly but surely gluing the pieces of my broken heart. Speaking of broken hearts, my old lady is also renting out space in my head at the moment as well.
re·demp·tion
noun
: the act, process, or an instance of redeeming
adjective
: serving to offset or compensate for a defect
What is love, marriage, forgiveness, evil? How do these words work themselves into my life and how much power do I give them. Each word can easily mix with the other creating nany combinations. I was raised in the Pentecostal system. I believe in forgiving your love ones. I have failed my friends, my family, and I'm pretty sure God. I have been forgiven multiple times and will to again in the future. I also have been screwed over and just plain done wrong. Unfortunately the biggest hypocrites I know have been people of the church. Redemption is a powerful and difficult thing. Is she capable of living right in my eyes, your eyes and God's? Anybody is capable of anything at anytime for all or none reasons. That what makes us saints or monsters and everything in between. I'm sure your wondering why am I preaching? I'm not I'm just introducing this side of myself. It's a side I'm not to comfortable showing but I am none the less. My old lady is in need of help and I saw this coming a while ago. I can't help anyone when I still am learning to care of me. You go to save the drowning victim and in the process they drown you. I will say this truthfully and with no fear. I do love her, I do worry, I do care. But she's made her bed and now has to lay in it. Growing pains, with mistakes comes solutions. We get answers when we are all out questions. Cause in the dark, in our hearts and in our dreams, is the truth haunting us constantly.
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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