I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future."
- Gifford Pinchot
I have been very down lately. I suppose that the obvious reason would be my heart. Once again I have been slacking with my meds. To call bit my relapse phase. It happens randomly. It feels like I try sabotaging my stability by holding hands with it. Therapy has been a very enlightening experience. I guess my grieving process has its ups and downs. Its been even more difficult since she's moved back into town. Every time I feel I have taken one step forward I seem to hit a bump of an emotional draft that keeps me at a stalemate. I think what is happening especially with the kids is what makes it even harder. One of my goals in life was to shield my kids from being part of a divorce family. My experience with it was so earth shattering that I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I have also realize that I cannot do the work of another person in this relationship . I have realize I have to set an example for my children of what is proper conduct and what is not. What is loving each other and being there for each other. I have failed and succeed in these areas constantly. Despite coming from a broken home I have absorbed these essential elements of life. Life itself is such a cluster fuck of events and emotions. One of the achievements I would like to proclaim in my life span is to see something through the end. What has happened in the last few weeks cannot be contained by mere words. None the less I'm going to give it go. So if I stagger and drift my apologies in advance.
As I sat the other day at my new home with my family, I am having my son asking me what kind of fluids can be transmitted during sex. Yes the non stop action of being dad and husband again is on. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The appreciation that fills my body on a daily basis is
constant pressure I need to keep me focused. The saying here today gone tomorrow spoke volumes today. As I ran errands today this traffic jam appeared suddenly. Of course the reaction of frustration and inconvenience rises to the surface. We make our way through the traffic queue to find a police yellow banner. It had roped off part of the highway and a small crowd had gather. We carefully navigated through the orange cones and make our way pass the crowd to source of this commotion. Gravity had made an impression on the white sheet on the road. His or her hand laid exposed on the sizzling asphalt. The blood had drain from the hand and the paleness seem to compete against the white sheet. The mangled metal of what once represented a motorcycle laid about 50 feet from this make shift resting place. My mind went blank, my heart froze as the tears of this person's family filled my heart. I envisioned their lives forever traumatized by today's date. Having these thoughts and feelings have made me ever so thankful for today and the people involved in my life. I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week.
I have made extraordinary changes in my life this past week. The last 2 weeks have emotionally rape me. I literally have experienced both sides of the spectrum and I'm still woozy from the experience. My decision to work on my marriage and forgive my wife is not a popular or easy one.I never stopped loving her no matter how dim the light got at the end of the tunnel. Loving her is something I will never apologize for. have factored the past, present and possible future. I have removed all outside influences for once. Its me, her and the kids against all the evil and greatness this world has to offer. Friends and family a like will be up in arms and hugely disappointed in my judgment. I understood by vocalizing and airing my business to the world that this would be a possible consequence. What I've written and spoken about her were true to my mind and heart at the time. I will not retract my perception of the situation cause the detoxification process allowed me to make this decision. The pursuit of happiness is a personal journey no matter what picture it may present. I have my own happiness in mind, my children's, and my old lady's. If I fail it will be on me. If I succeed it will be on me. Definitely to be continued...
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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