I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
No one gets tried of loving. But everyone gets tried of waiting, assuming,hearing lies, saying sorry and hurting.
No one gets tried of loving. But everyone gets tried of waiting, assuming,hearing lies, saying sorry and hurting.
Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had.
Some people need to be hit hard with reality, get there ass kicked by karma, and get a big dose of grow the fuck up.
Ever child deserves a parent, not ever parent deserves a child.
I don't know about you but I've thought about running away more now as an adult than when i was a kid.
Find arms that will hold you at your weakest time, eyes that see beauty at your ugliest, and a heart that will love you at your worst.
I used to care but I take a pill for that now.
These are just random thoughts and ideas that run rampant in my mind on a hourly basis. Usually while I try to ferociously figure out my life, fail, and reset the whole damn process. Hence my position and mind frame in life. As I was texting my friend today she mention that she has given up on life, joking if course, and become the cat lady. This reminds me of dearly departed feline friend Pixel. Pixel was a rescue cat that my old lady got from the pound one day about 5 years ago. At this point in my life I was completely a dog person. Dogs are personable, love you unconditionally, and serve a purpose. Cats are picky, full of themselves, to good to use water for bathing and my favorite they shitting in a box. Leaving a wonderful mixture of clay and fecal matter. After some guilt trips and how we can save a life that day , I gave in like the french during WW2. The impact this stupid tabby cat made on my life took me for a ride. First of all she only loved me which made me feel kinda special. She would respond to my high pitched voice as I lovingly called,"where is my pixielated kitty", god I'm actually tearing up a bit damn. Sometimes when we resurrect memories one forgets all the work put in into burying them. What I loved the most about that cat besides being it go to person was the licking. Before your mind starts to wonder into creepyville, let me explain. I forget how I found this out but she use to love to lick my scalp. So at my most stressful times I would seduce my pixelated kitty with the ache in my voice. She would quickly come to her daddy and i would lay completely flat on the bed and she went to work. About 20 minutes later and a pool of drool to boot from me, i would feel so relaxed and loved. All these mushy feelings from that stupid cat of mine.So through some crazy events and life drama I had to have my sister watch my Pixel for me. Not knowing of course this would seal her fate. So one morning like every weekday my sister was taking my nephews to school when she noticed, a orange smudge on her back rear mirror. To her horror it was Pixel tumbling like a basketball down US 27. Apparently she climb into the hood of the car during the nite to keep warm. She must of panic when the engine cranked over and hide somewhere, somehow in the engine compartment for a good 5 minutes. The heat must of gotten to an unbearable point, where she darted out of the engine leaping onto the burning pavement. My sister in a panic pulls over only to see poor Pixel dart into on coming traffic to meet her fate. Even my cat had a dramatic death. I never did find her body. So every time I drive that stretch of highway I hope to catch a smudge of orange dart by the road. To my dissatisfaction I just see burning pavement roll off my eyes. That was a moment in the catalog of experiences I've got to tell like last night.
Last night was hard, emotional, and plain just blew donkey dick. Once again she woke from her dormant place in my mind and made her presence known. This is the conversation that transpire with one of my good friends.
Friend:
I do more than care hon!! I care more than you even know!!
Me:
I don't think I've been ever told that not even by my old lady
Friend:
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
Friend:
You're amazing!! I adore you
Me:
I will never see myself the way others view me
Friend:
True!! But you are awesome!!
Me:
Its so strange seeing her name cause I always called her babe
It seems so detached and sad, cold like trash
Friend:
Its not...you love her
Me:
I feel a panic attack just from writing her name how gay is that
Me:
I need to be locked up
Me:
I feel so traumatized by what's happened
Friend:
I pray you know I'm in your corner!! And I will be here until you don't want me
Me:
Why wouldn't I want you I don't dispose people like that especially special people like you who have done nothing but be positive in my life
Friend:
I am so lucky to have you!! You are my best friend!! I adore you
Me:
I feel like a burden most of the time
Friend:
Your not!! I promise!!! And if you are, your a burden I happily carry!!
Friend:
You mean so very much to me
Me:
I see with my own 2 eyes what you write and I know you mean it but it doesn't register
Friend:
Awe Sweetie, you have been repressed in love so much, im so sorry!!! I promise one day..... You WILL find a woman that will show you love and honor those words!! And she will be your everything
Me:
I feel like I should be put down cause I'm to far gone I am hopeless I don't see the point I know my kids need me put that doesn't seem to matter that's horrifying to admit but I feel I would do more damage than good
Friend:
No, it will just take time..... Even the deepest cuts heal..... Sometimes we have to have medical attention to those cuts so we don't bleed out... But I can be your stitches!! I WILL help hold you together!!
Me:
How when even I don't know how
Me:
Is it wrong that she stills walks the halls of my heart
Friend:
No, she will always be a ghost that lingers there!!
Me:
Ghosts haunt and torment
Friend:
No demons haunt.and torment... Ghosts linger in open spaces as a memory in our heat
Me:
Limbo I'm in limbo searching
Friend:
And there are others just like you!!! You can and will over come this empty feeling!!! And I will be there for you the day the clouds lift and you can smile again
Me:
I can't believe this is happening its hitting me now I always told her that she was going to hold my hand as I passed on that she would be the last thing I would see
Me:
I'm not a bad person why did she do this to me
Friend:She didn't think.....
Me:
All I wanted is to be loved
Me:
I gave her everything of myself my secrets my fears my thoughts my heart my blood if I could
Friend: You did give her your blood!! Twice
Me:
God brings people into our lives what was the purpose of this wtf
Friend:
God wants you to learn something
Me:
As if I needed more suffering in my life
Friend:
I can't tell you what... Everyone test is different
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
Some people need to be hit hard with reality, get there ass kicked by karma, and get a big dose of grow the fuck up.
Ever child deserves a parent, not ever parent deserves a child.
I don't know about you but I've thought about running away more now as an adult than when i was a kid.
Find arms that will hold you at your weakest time, eyes that see beauty at your ugliest, and a heart that will love you at your worst.
I used to care but I take a pill for that now.
These are just random thoughts and ideas that run rampant in my mind on a hourly basis. Usually while I try to ferociously figure out my life, fail, and reset the whole damn process. Hence my position and mind frame in life. As I was texting my friend today she mention that she has given up on life, joking if course, and become the cat lady. This reminds me of dearly departed feline friend Pixel. Pixel was a rescue cat that my old lady got from the pound one day about 5 years ago. At this point in my life I was completely a dog person. Dogs are personable, love you unconditionally, and serve a purpose. Cats are picky, full of themselves, to good to use water for bathing and my favorite they shitting in a box. Leaving a wonderful mixture of clay and fecal matter. After some guilt trips and how we can save a life that day , I gave in like the french during WW2. The impact this stupid tabby cat made on my life took me for a ride. First of all she only loved me which made me feel kinda special. She would respond to my high pitched voice as I lovingly called,"where is my pixielated kitty", god I'm actually tearing up a bit damn. Sometimes when we resurrect memories one forgets all the work put in into burying them. What I loved the most about that cat besides being it go to person was the licking. Before your mind starts to wonder into creepyville, let me explain. I forget how I found this out but she use to love to lick my scalp. So at my most stressful times I would seduce my pixelated kitty with the ache in my voice. She would quickly come to her daddy and i would lay completely flat on the bed and she went to work. About 20 minutes later and a pool of drool to boot from me, i would feel so relaxed and loved. All these mushy feelings from that stupid cat of mine.So through some crazy events and life drama I had to have my sister watch my Pixel for me. Not knowing of course this would seal her fate. So one morning like every weekday my sister was taking my nephews to school when she noticed, a orange smudge on her back rear mirror. To her horror it was Pixel tumbling like a basketball down US 27. Apparently she climb into the hood of the car during the nite to keep warm. She must of panic when the engine cranked over and hide somewhere, somehow in the engine compartment for a good 5 minutes. The heat must of gotten to an unbearable point, where she darted out of the engine leaping onto the burning pavement. My sister in a panic pulls over only to see poor Pixel dart into on coming traffic to meet her fate. Even my cat had a dramatic death. I never did find her body. So every time I drive that stretch of highway I hope to catch a smudge of orange dart by the road. To my dissatisfaction I just see burning pavement roll off my eyes. That was a moment in the catalog of experiences I've got to tell like last night.
Last night was hard, emotional, and plain just blew donkey dick. Once again she woke from her dormant place in my mind and made her presence known. This is the conversation that transpire with one of my good friends.
Friend:
I do more than care hon!! I care more than you even know!!
Me:
I don't think I've been ever told that not even by my old lady
Friend:
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
Friend:
You're amazing!! I adore you
Me:
I will never see myself the way others view me
Friend:
True!! But you are awesome!!
Me:
Its so strange seeing her name cause I always called her babe
It seems so detached and sad, cold like trash
Friend:
Its not...you love her
Me:
I feel a panic attack just from writing her name how gay is that
Me:
I need to be locked up
Me:
I feel so traumatized by what's happened
Friend:
I pray you know I'm in your corner!! And I will be here until you don't want me
Me:
Why wouldn't I want you I don't dispose people like that especially special people like you who have done nothing but be positive in my life
Friend:
I am so lucky to have you!! You are my best friend!! I adore you
Me:
I feel like a burden most of the time
Friend:
Your not!! I promise!!! And if you are, your a burden I happily carry!!
Friend:
You mean so very much to me
Me:
I see with my own 2 eyes what you write and I know you mean it but it doesn't register
Friend:
Awe Sweetie, you have been repressed in love so much, im so sorry!!! I promise one day..... You WILL find a woman that will show you love and honor those words!! And she will be your everything
Me:
I feel like I should be put down cause I'm to far gone I am hopeless I don't see the point I know my kids need me put that doesn't seem to matter that's horrifying to admit but I feel I would do more damage than good
Friend:
No, it will just take time..... Even the deepest cuts heal..... Sometimes we have to have medical attention to those cuts so we don't bleed out... But I can be your stitches!! I WILL help hold you together!!
Me:
How when even I don't know how
Me:
Is it wrong that she stills walks the halls of my heart
Friend:
No, she will always be a ghost that lingers there!!
Me:
Ghosts haunt and torment
Friend:
No demons haunt.and torment... Ghosts linger in open spaces as a memory in our heat
Me:
Limbo I'm in limbo searching
Friend:
And there are others just like you!!! You can and will over come this empty feeling!!! And I will be there for you the day the clouds lift and you can smile again
Me:
I can't believe this is happening its hitting me now I always told her that she was going to hold my hand as I passed on that she would be the last thing I would see
Me:
I'm not a bad person why did she do this to me
Friend:She didn't think.....
Me:
All I wanted is to be loved
Me:
I gave her everything of myself my secrets my fears my thoughts my heart my blood if I could
Friend: You did give her your blood!! Twice
Me:
God brings people into our lives what was the purpose of this wtf
Friend:
God wants you to learn something
Me:
As if I needed more suffering in my life
Friend:
I can't tell you what... Everyone test is different
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.
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