page 11-Disappointing is a talent

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it

I was going to have some thoughts and maybe some clever thoughts but its really gotten to a point where its utter shit. I can't focus,  I can't accomplish the slightest task on a daily basis.  I'm losing any enjoyment I had. Writing is becoming tedious,  breathing is becoming labored, eating has become appalling and my sentence structure has disintegrated to the point becoming juvenile. I don't know how far I can proceed like this. I've stopped my walking routine this last week. I haven't taken my meds in 2 days for no good reason.  The job interview didn't even happen yesterday cause of some miscommunication. For the first time I didn't finish this stupid blog last night. My poor beautiful children came in last night after church, which I dipped out on again, hugged and kissed me. I felt nothing for the first time in a long time. What on gods green earth is fucking going on? I'm losing touch, I'm shutting down. I'm laying down with no will to get up. How did I get here? My dreams where untouched a month ago and now I'm struggling to keep my head above water. Can I, do I raise the white flag? The springs in this crappy bed dig into my being like a knife into a piece of meat. I don't resist it. I don't do anything about it. I don't get my fat ass out this tomb and get working to get a better bed, a better life, a better wife, a better fucking anything.  I sit here springs and all I just take it like a pathetic victim. Story I'm tried of telling.  I'm the victim, look at me syndrome. Where has that gotten me in life? I'll tell you where, not a godamn place. Its not God's fault,  it's not my parents fault, it's not my wife or kid's fault,  its mine. Mine mine mine mine. I declare it I own it I trademark it as well. Where does all this leave me. Here on another Sunday morning with no more tears to shed, no more self loathing to wallow in, no more hope to cling on to. I hope to have better things to report, but I'm painfully being honest. I don't enjoy being negative.  I would write and express my happiness if it flowed through my veins,  but it doesn't. Maybe its just a bad day. A bad day.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight.