I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
Bertlot Berchlt
Today has been another day of just daunting emotional crisis. I know that saying, God will not give you more than you can handle. I beginning to question that saying. I don't know where to begin my venting of what has occurred and what has been for awhile. I believe I last left off on our current status of being homeless and dealing with that trauma in itself. I really try to keep my head up as much as I can, but it seems the more I lift it the more of a target I seem to be. I have exhausted all my god given patience and I am lost. The fact that I have fallen further than I have ever dreamed of is frighting in itself. I have lost more than I thought I had to lose. My kids, my home, my possessions, my self esteem, my dignity, my will, and lately my soul it feels like. For instance on the day we got kicked out, the night before Thanksgiving a sign of hope rose from the rubble. My old lady gave me my wedding band. I had refuse to wear mine cause she didn't have her's anymore. She pawned it during our separation. I felt it was wrong to only display half of the union that is our marriage. So that night while we were packing she came up to me all excited cause her grama's ring finally fit on her finger. I saw this as a glimpse of hope here we are at one of the lowest part of our lives and this symbol of unity, love, commitment, and support shows itself. My go to saying everything happens for a reason pops into my head. I'm telling myself that in the not to distant future we will look back at this time as something that strengthen our resolve our will to make it after all. Today feels like the last nail in the coffin instead. Before the events of today transpire, there has been a series of events that have help lead to this bombardment of emotional scaring. I think describing the act itself will give you a better perspective at what is going on.
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a , creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
This kind of behavior has left me feeling almost nothing anymore. I do strike back with my own verbal tongue lashing cause I can only sit there and take so much. I am human and I do have feelings, whatever is left at this point I am not sure. I am loser, fat, lazy, not willing to support my family among other things. I accept that I have not put my best foot forward when it comes to the job situation. I have been in a bit of trance ever since my nervous breakdown back at the end of April. I'm not excuse my lack of effort but I am trying to give you a bit of a timeline. I never have had a breakdown like that before, where my body betrayed me and I lost control of it. There was no handbook to recover from it properly. I am learning as I go and obviously I am fucking up as I go to.
Today things got really bad. It all started with me not responding accordingly to her likening it seems.
From there it quickly and swiftly deteriorated to an all out abusive war with both parties throwing out bombs and cause immense damage. Where it got out of hand is when she but her hands on me again. It's a trend that's been happening quite a bit the last couple of weeks. It's something new. I am quite a large man so when this happens I have to be very careful on how I don't respond compare to how I would like to respond. I am not a violent person but I do not like anyone putting their hands on me either. Its a very delicate situation and one I have being part of. I literally come out shaking and in a panic cause I can't believe this is happening to me. My anxiety goes through the roof cause I detest violence always have. I have the means to easily defend myself due to my very large nature, but my passive one takes lead always. Once its done its done there is no coming back from it is what I constantly remind myself. Also in the midst of it I try my best to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is not mentally well. Like my therapist says I have a full deck she doesn't. But my question is how many more times is it going to take before something happens that not me or her can come back from. How many I am sorry or hugs and kisses is going to make up for the damage. Scars are scars. They stay scars cause you can heal scars. As she has tearfully say where do we go from here and now I tearfully say where do I go from here.
“The moment she was cursed, I lost her. Once it wears off- soon- she will be embarrassed to remember things that she said, things she did, things like this. No matter how solid she feels in my arms, she is made of smoke.”
Holly Black
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
Bertlot Berchlt
Today has been another day of just daunting emotional crisis. I know that saying, God will not give you more than you can handle. I beginning to question that saying. I don't know where to begin my venting of what has occurred and what has been for awhile. I believe I last left off on our current status of being homeless and dealing with that trauma in itself. I really try to keep my head up as much as I can, but it seems the more I lift it the more of a target I seem to be. I have exhausted all my god given patience and I am lost. The fact that I have fallen further than I have ever dreamed of is frighting in itself. I have lost more than I thought I had to lose. My kids, my home, my possessions, my self esteem, my dignity, my will, and lately my soul it feels like. For instance on the day we got kicked out, the night before Thanksgiving a sign of hope rose from the rubble. My old lady gave me my wedding band. I had refuse to wear mine cause she didn't have her's anymore. She pawned it during our separation. I felt it was wrong to only display half of the union that is our marriage. So that night while we were packing she came up to me all excited cause her grama's ring finally fit on her finger. I saw this as a glimpse of hope here we are at one of the lowest part of our lives and this symbol of unity, love, commitment, and support shows itself. My go to saying everything happens for a reason pops into my head. I'm telling myself that in the not to distant future we will look back at this time as something that strengthen our resolve our will to make it after all. Today feels like the last nail in the coffin instead. Before the events of today transpire, there has been a series of events that have help lead to this bombardment of emotional scaring. I think describing the act itself will give you a better perspective at what is going on.
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a , creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
This kind of behavior has left me feeling almost nothing anymore. I do strike back with my own verbal tongue lashing cause I can only sit there and take so much. I am human and I do have feelings, whatever is left at this point I am not sure. I am loser, fat, lazy, not willing to support my family among other things. I accept that I have not put my best foot forward when it comes to the job situation. I have been in a bit of trance ever since my nervous breakdown back at the end of April. I'm not excuse my lack of effort but I am trying to give you a bit of a timeline. I never have had a breakdown like that before, where my body betrayed me and I lost control of it. There was no handbook to recover from it properly. I am learning as I go and obviously I am fucking up as I go to.
Today things got really bad. It all started with me not responding accordingly to her likening it seems.
From there it quickly and swiftly deteriorated to an all out abusive war with both parties throwing out bombs and cause immense damage. Where it got out of hand is when she but her hands on me again. It's a trend that's been happening quite a bit the last couple of weeks. It's something new. I am quite a large man so when this happens I have to be very careful on how I don't respond compare to how I would like to respond. I am not a violent person but I do not like anyone putting their hands on me either. Its a very delicate situation and one I have being part of. I literally come out shaking and in a panic cause I can't believe this is happening to me. My anxiety goes through the roof cause I detest violence always have. I have the means to easily defend myself due to my very large nature, but my passive one takes lead always. Once its done its done there is no coming back from it is what I constantly remind myself. Also in the midst of it I try my best to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is not mentally well. Like my therapist says I have a full deck she doesn't. But my question is how many more times is it going to take before something happens that not me or her can come back from. How many I am sorry or hugs and kisses is going to make up for the damage. Scars are scars. They stay scars cause you can heal scars. As she has tearfully say where do we go from here and now I tearfully say where do I go from here.
“The moment she was cursed, I lost her. Once it wears off- soon- she will be embarrassed to remember things that she said, things she did, things like this. No matter how solid she feels in my arms, she is made of smoke.”
Holly Black
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
No comments:
Post a Comment