Page 80-Keep taking it on the chin no matter how bloody it gets

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
Bertlot Berchlt

Today has been another day of just daunting emotional crisis. I know that saying, God will not give you more than you can handle. I beginning to question that saying. I don't know where to begin my venting of what has occurred and what has been for awhile. I believe I last left off on our current status of being homeless and dealing with that trauma in itself. I really try to keep my head up as much as I can, but it seems the more I lift it the more of a target I seem to be. I have exhausted all my god given patience and I am lost. The fact that I have fallen further than I have ever dreamed of is frighting in itself. I have lost more than I thought I had to lose. My kids, my home, my possessions, my self esteem, my dignity, my will, and lately my soul it feels like.  For instance on the day we got kicked out, the night before Thanksgiving a sign of hope rose from the rubble. My old lady gave me my wedding band. I had refuse to wear mine cause she didn't have her's anymore. She pawned it during our separation. I felt it was wrong to only display half of the union that is our marriage. So that night while we were packing she came up to me all excited cause her grama's ring finally  fit on her finger. I saw this as a glimpse of hope here we are at one of the lowest part of our lives and this symbol of unity, love, commitment, and support shows itself. My go to saying everything happens for a reason pops into my head. I'm telling myself that in the not to distant future we will look back at this time as something that strengthen our resolve our will to make it after all. Today feels like the last nail in the coffin instead. Before the events of today transpire, there has been a series of events that have help lead to this bombardment of emotional scaring. I think describing the act itself will give you a better perspective at what is going on.
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a , creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
This kind of behavior has left me feeling almost nothing anymore. I do strike back with my own verbal tongue lashing cause I can only sit there and take so much. I am human and I do have feelings, whatever is left at this point I am not sure. I am loser, fat, lazy, not willing to support my family among other things. I accept that I have not put my best foot forward when it comes to the job situation. I have been in a bit of trance ever since my nervous breakdown back at the end of April. I'm not excuse my lack of effort but I am trying to give you a bit of a timeline. I never have had a breakdown like that before, where my body betrayed me and I lost control of it. There was no handbook to recover from it properly. I am learning as I go and obviously I am fucking up as I go to.
Today things got really bad. It all started with me not responding accordingly to her likening it seems.
From there it quickly and swiftly deteriorated to an all out abusive war with both parties throwing out bombs and cause immense damage. Where it got out of hand is when she but her hands on me again. It's a trend that's been happening quite a bit the last couple of weeks. It's something new. I am quite a large man so when this happens I have to be very careful on how I don't respond compare to how I would like to respond. I am not a violent person but I do not like anyone putting their hands on me either. Its a very delicate situation and one I have being part of. I literally come out shaking and in a panic cause I can't believe this is happening to me. My anxiety goes through the roof cause I detest violence always have. I have the means to easily defend myself due to my very large nature, but my passive one takes lead always. Once its done its done there is no coming back from it is what I constantly remind myself. Also in the midst of it I try my best to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is not mentally well. Like my therapist says I have a full deck she doesn't. But my question is how many more times is it going to take before something happens that  not me or her can come back from. How many I am sorry or hugs and kisses is going to make up for the damage. Scars are scars. They stay scars cause you can heal scars. As she has tearfully say where do we go from here and now I tearfully say where do I go from here.

“The moment she was cursed, I lost her. Once it wears off- soon- she will be embarrassed to remember things that she said, things she did, things like this. No matter how solid she feels in my arms, she is made of smoke.”
Holly Black

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 79-Homeless but not Soulless

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

 Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless cup of coffee till the last sip. Then and only then we find the sugar lying a the bottom. That's life in a nutshell, bitter then sweeten but not well stir. I guess I'll have myself another cup and see how it goes.

Richie G..

Last time I was on here on was in quite a rush. I believe I was giving a quick update on the status of my ongoing saga. I was also thinking about doing a typical what I am thankful type of post, but as the cookie crumbles I have a mess on my hands once again and its time to clean up. It is Saturday night and its quite different from last Saturday night. To start off I don't have a home like I did. I don't have my children like I did. I don't have a bed like I did. I don't have some of possessions like I did and finally I don't have my sanity like I did. What's been occurring these last two and half months has been a roller-coaster of decisions and emotions beyond my wildest imagination. My initial decision to reunite with my wife was a very difficult one in the sense of the history and the perception of it all. The water under our unified bridge since the inception of our relationship should have flooded away anything and everything ever built between us and beyond. The amount of emotional distress and just not knowing what the fuck we were doing has created some permanent scars that are almost impossible to ignore. This kind of mishandling of this precious thing we share between us has left a wake of destruction that very tragic and unfortunate. The flip side of this tragedy is this amazing sensation that fills my heart and soul. The overwhelming feeling of sensation that occupies my usual vacant heart is beyond my vocabulary of words to use to describe it. Here I am homeless, childless, and insane and I am ranting about the pitfalls and exhilarating aspects of love. The way I look at is as soon as I am done with this rant I'll have plenty of time to marinate in the shitty aspects of my current situation. 
So the next logical step would be to give a little detail of how this scenario  got cooked up. Well the fall of Rome began about 4 weeks ago. My old lady had an awesome set up of paid housing, paid transportation, paid necessitates, and paid wants mainly cigarettes. In return she was to take care of the landlord's 85 year old mother. The reality of the setup was as few scheduled meals through the day make sure she takes her medication and spend time with her. Usually by going out and smoking cigarettes with her a few times throughout the day. Yes the availability of the situation kind of sucked by the physical labor was quite easy at least in my book. Well one of the stipulations was that she not socialize to much with the tenants. We lived in a duplex of sorts it was 4 apartments joined together in one long stretch nicknamed The Ranch. Well that didn't sit pretty with my old lady so she decided to continue in her ways and not  abide by their wishes. This lead to much conflict in the household and honestly between me and her until it finally came to a head. The intensity of the tension finally sparked and the claws came out. Needless to say she was fired from her gig. Once that judgement was made the beginning of the end was in order. As the days turn to weeks the tension and stress was so thick you could cut it with whatever you could find. A couple of blow ups occurred and I tried my hardest to keep the peace and buy us some time. The situation put a strain on our relationship with each other and with the kids. There seem no way out of this without it being a complete disaster. So here comes the day before thanksgiving and after an initial attempt to apologize and mend some hurt feelings it eventually lead to the end of our extended stay. I mean I understand the emotional brutality  that occurred but to ask us to leave the night before thanksgiving was unheard of. She seems to have checked out emotionally and under her supposed Christian value system with much ease seem to be fine that by the end of the night there was a very good chance me and my family would be sleeping in the car. A night were the temperature was dropping rapidly. But this is a quick reminder that the outside world push come to shove don't give a shit. So here I go packing again and shipping off like the gypsy's we have become it seems. As I held in my tears and watched everyone else unleash theirs, I had no answer and soon no roof to call home and lay me head. To be continued... 


  I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 78-Lazy update

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I haven't written in awhile once again. This is becoming a theme I am not happy with, but as usual I am the sole reason for that. Things are rocky. Things between me and her. Things between us and the wonderful people helping us. Things with the universe in general. They say don't give up cause that's when usually something good is coming. I been down this road before. I haven't done all of my best to improve this situation I will admit. I am currently at the Haines City Library on one of their public computers. I just failed my CDL learner's permit written exam. I been approved by Disney to be accepted in their bus training program. I passed 2 of the 3 required test. I can retake the test again but it going be ten bucks a pop. I already owe them ten for today, but as they say everything happens for a reason. My old lady's health is declining again and her management of pain has made it difficult at times. I running short on time so I won' t be able to fully explain a lot of the details about what's been going on. I just kinda of venting a bit. I feel worthless cause I can even keep this blog updated. I'm in a bit of rut of sorts and looking to rise up and move forward. Just trying to take it one minute at a time for the moment. So I was just say hi and checking in with everyone who takes the time to take a peak at my non important life. I will be back...

Normally I would write my usual sign off statement but I can' t remember for the life of me. Fml..

Page 77-Letter from the heart part 3

This is the final one in the series.

Page 76-Letter from the heart part 2

This is the second one of the three in the series.

Page 75-Letter from the heart part 1

Here is one of three of the letters I will be posting.
This is just a snapshot of what travels through my heart. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 74-Life continous process or terminal disease?

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Darkness can not drive out darkness, only light can. Hate can not drive hate out, 
only love can do that"
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Its been a little while since I have sat here in front of this computer and confessed my life a bit. I kind of feel this to be my personal confessional booth of sorts. Confessed, I haven't used that word since Catholic school like two million years ago. Anyways I digress, I find it harder and harder to find the time to focus and do such a thing. Throughout the week I get these points I would like to elaborate on and then by the time I sit my fat ass down I draw a bit of a blank. I am not giving up on this by far I just got to rethink how I approach it now cause I am in a different place in my life. One thing I do know is that the overwhelming feeling of pending doom is not looming over my head like it use to. I say use to cause life still challenges you. No one is immune to this oh so lovely ass whopping we are at dealt at anytime for any reason. Rich or poor, good or bad, it has it out for all of us. The way we respond and overcome makes us the great or shitty person we turn out to be. I do remember talking about living through the struggle on my last post. I have been acquiring tools throughout my journey to help maintain my sense of sanity and what I believe to be happiness. Happiness to me is a on going learning process. I like so far and just like anything in life it can be fleeting so I am soaking up as much as I can. I really am grateful for my therapist Denise and the fact that I am sticking to taking my antidepressants. Also going to church has given quite an inspiring and refreshing push of energy to this whole process as well. I ain't going to preach anytime so by the way, but none the less its an awesome source I have never truly considered in my life till now.I also ranted on my last post about it being a especially challenging time at that moment in time. I now try to focus on very special moments that had occurred prior to the tough ones. Yet another little tidbit I have acquired. In the beginning stages of mending my marriage weeks ago, I remembered a series of letters that me and her wrote to each other. I remembered the joy it gave my soul to read such things. I remembered the smile on my face. So when obstacles come and we don't say eye to eye on things and feelings get stirred up, I go back to the words that brought me to my "happy place." I was going to transcribe the letters but that way to much writing for these chunky fingers of mine. So I scanned the letters and will be posting them up here in a series of posts. 

Of course pending her approval of some of the material cause she is author to some of it and some it covers very intimate details of our life as well. I forget that not everyone is an open book like I am for the most part.

I have also been learning a lot about myself in these process. If you don't know already I took very extreme measures when it came to the reconciliation of my marriage. I did something I have never done before in my life. I completely disengaged from everything and everyone I know. I literary took a enormous leap of faith. Friends, family, acquaintances, my home, everything I just got up and walked away without saying much of anything to anyone. Nothing personal, no intent of hurting anyone's feelings even thou they got hurt. The history between me and my old lady spans years and about a decade now that I think about it. It's human nature to remember the bad highlights rather than the good ones. I am guilty of such a point of view and making sure the world knew that point of view as well. Another action that has stemmed many consequences. Quick tip to anyone who wants to listen, it best sometimes or most of the time to keep one's big fat mouth shut. So because of certain courses of action, so much water had accumulated under the bridge that there was no way to bridge my current situation with my old one. Can't we all just get along just doesn't seem like a possible motto at the moment. I pray its a temporary thing cause I do love my family and friends very much so. Thou I am sure in their eyes I am a bad brother, son, friend and even father for the way I have handle this and my conduct to boot. I can see their point of view to a point but at the end of the day I have to figure out what's best for me and my family. I plan to succeed and prepare in case I fail. I have failed plenty in my life and its time to balance it out with some good times and stories. I had a crying fit last time I drove by my mom's house, I couldn't stop for hours it seemed. So in my heart and mind the foundation of family and friends remains intact-ed. I plan to build a life upon it where everyone will be welcomed and harmony will be the theme of all of our stories. So enjoy one another and don't ever take for granted what you have cause in a blink of an eye, even by the end of this sentence it could be all taken away and change you forever. 

"Life is a continuous process of improvement or a terminal disease we all die from anyways"
Randy Hinnrichs

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight