Page 94-Wtf

I had surgery about a week ago. It really seems like a month. All I have had to do is take drugs and just sit quietly. All this free time makes one's mind just go places you usually don't have the time to go. We are occupy with distractions to really focus on what we are and what we have become. I had the luxury of such a journey to the soul. I was alone for the most part of my hospitalization. I have a wife I think and I have family. My perception was that if someone really wanted to be by your side their actions would dictate such. I was also thinking what why we think we need someone by our side as we go through difficult times. Yes it's nice and eases the stress of the situation, but in the end we are left to our management skills to deal with such things. No one can feel what you feel. No one can exactly think what you think. No one can cradle the amount of fear and joy one can experience in this lifetime. But I believe that it's in our dna to one to cling on to one another. I guess the reason I'm writing about this topic is cause I stop writing. I stop writing a little more than a year ago and here am struggling to finsih. I am very rusty but with partice I'll turn this rust to into art.
Bare with me cause this is going to get sloppy and ugly....

Page 93- I loved you to death....almost...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

¹sui·cide

 noun \ˈsü-ə-ˌsīd\

a :  the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind

b :  ruin of one's own interest

: the act of killing yourself because you do not want to continue living

: a person who commits suicide

: an action that ruins or destroys your career, social position, etc.

Day 24 and I never thought I would see the number again. The morning of Sunday March 30, 2014 will be my D-Day. Day when the invasion of my heart and soul got invaded by the darkest, most desperate thoughts and feelings I have ever endured. As the blade rubbed against my wrist I was expecting the pain to stop me from making mince meat of my flesh. I was numb to it all. The pain, the process, the blood. For a second it made me stop and think about what I was doing but only a second. My life had no meaning, my journey had no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I had officially given up on life. As the tears painted the masterpiece of horror which was my heart breaking for the last, I completely lost perspective of why I am here. I have failed as a musician. I have failed as a son. I have failed as a brother. I have failed as a father. I have failed as husband and now the one thing I strive to achieve in my life was in sense being taken from me. My marriage. When she muttered the words " I don't love you anymore and I think this is heading for a divorce" I snapped. I babbled. I cried. I kept talking to myself. Nothing was calming down. Another slash, blood repeat and repeat. "I am calling the police" penetrated my bubble of insanity and pain. My wife was screaming through the locked door in our bathroom. I could suddenly feel the knife cutting and the colorfulness of the blood caught my attention. "I can't do this here, I can't do this here" I mumble to myself as I ran out of the house with the knife in hand. I didn't want children services to take my kids away from their home once I completed the act. This was motivation and what ultimately saved my life that day. As I was running down the stairs to my car I got a bit of a rush knowing that I have finally hit rock bottom in my life. My life had such chaos that in the midst of it I got caught up in the drama of things. I got in the car and speed away.I purposely left my cell phone so they wouldn't be able to track me via gps on my phone. I even drove over the county line to another county so they wouldn't be able to come after me. As I was scouting a spot to finish what I started, the tears and pain of everyone I love engulfed my mind and soul. I envision my own funeral couldn't bear the tears, I couldn't bear the pain I was inflicting through my selfish actions. 
I jump back in time as I run through my head the events that lead me to this very point. I could almost pinpoint the genesis of this downward spiral. I was eight years old and church was our main social setting back in the day. It was a Friday night and church started around eight o'clock. For some reason I decide tonight I would conduct a bit of a social experiment. I sat in the last pew of the church and waiting to be noticed. One hour, two hours and not a single wave or look to say hello. I started to get sad and sad turn into pain and pain eventually turn to tears. When the service was the routine was to hang out in front of the church and wait on our parents to come out. This was the main socializing opportunity we had as kids. So I pick my spot outside and gave the experiment one more chance. Same result and this is when the river of tears and heartache overwhelmed me. To my surprise the pastor's older son, who I didn't really talk to came up to me and did his best to cheer up my weeping spirit. The funny thing about this story is that it was well over twenty five years ago and not till recently did this occurred to me. That I did get noticed and that some cared enough to talk me down and realize that I am important. Sometimes we get so focused on what we think we need, that what we were looking for was there the entire time. If you take a blank piece of paper and put a dot in the center of it what do you see. A dot or a white piece of paper with a dot in the middle.  That tunnel vision is what lead to my pit of hopelessness and despair. We as human being tend to put a lot of stock in others, even salvation instead of believing in ourselves. I am so guilty of this its not even funny. This is a dangerous path cause it leads to not having any self worth, no self esteem and not loving and forgiving oneself. All these ingredients are a recipe for suicide. I still stand firm that everything happens for a reason and I am glad I came to this point in my life. I'm a better person for it and it force me to get the help I desperately needed. 
But that day I wanted to once again bury the trauma like I always did. I ditched the knife and headed back to my house hoping that she was bluffing about the cops. As I got closer to the complex we live in, I saw a cruiser waiting at the entrance. Whatever emotion I had left made me sick to my stomach. Here it is the consequence of a stupid thirty second decision.  I parked the car across the street and sneaked in through the back of the building. I thought they were gone put the minute the door shut behind me they came around the corner with guns drawn. I already had ditch the knife not to confuse them and possible cause a suicide by cop scenario. I didn't resist and I felt the cold steel of handcuffs for the first time in my life. They started in on me about my reasons for my action. My tears at that point did most of the talking as I got escorted downstairs to the cruiser. As if the embarrassment wasn't enough here comes my mom running from her car in tears. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I made my mom cry and at that point I didn't want to be alive to have to witness a second longer. It took everything in my power to keep whatever of composure I had left to look her in the eye. That was the  only time I was happy to be in a cruiser.I took all in as I rode prisoner in this vehicle. How quickly life changes in a blink of an eye.  I leave this where it's at with this last thing. On the way to hospital I told the cop this. "I guess riding in handcuffs can be taken off my bucket list, I got to laugh officer cause its all I got left."



Only by contending with challenges that seem to be beyond your strength to handle at the moment you can grow more surely toward the stars.
Brian Tracy

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight

Page 92-Davenport we have a problem

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

My hands shake as my nerves calm down from the eruption of emotions that have occurred in the last two hours or so. I thought I had this covered from my experiences in the psych wards.   My heart races like a river and my mind scramble to regain control. I have to much venom in my veins to behave like a civilized human being at this moment and I can recognize that. Thank god for anxiety drugs and sleeping medication. I am trying new things to easy my state of mind and writing while in this chaotic mode is something new for me of sorts.  I am trying to rationalized in my head when someone tells you that they love you and care about but does not want to work on the relationship. Its a bit of a mind fuck. I mean does it make sense to you. Its seem like a test of sorts and I am to old and worn down for these games. Unfortunately  I have been in this kind of environment for way to long and I seem to play right along like a veteran. I try to place my issues in a higher power. I try to use logic, but my emotions are like an untamed beast ready to feast upon its closest prey.

How does one deal with such a beast. Some would say to slay the beast or trap it put in a cage to relocate. How does one do that with one's heart and soul. How does one tell the very thing that makes you feel alive to stop feeling cause the source isn't there anymore. Physically its there but its all but a shell of its former self. All I have left is the memories of what once was and its a very dangerous thing. Living in the past is very easy to do and almost impossible to forget. Thinking of a future without the possibility of created past memories is torture for the present. I am talking about the shell of a marriage I am living in. We have become extremely toxic. Pain is the universal link that connects us all, but its also what binds us and drowns us if we don't let go. Letting go is part of life, a painful one but a necessary one. Death is the final letting go process we will all cross it one day and the end of relationships is practice for when our time comes. I really suck at letting go especially when we have children and I see her in there smile, in there laugh, in the tears in the eyes and in their hearts. I try to rejoice that we made such beautiful children together but I carry much sorrow at the fact that we can't witness their evolution together hand in hand. Life teaches us many thing and usually after the fact. I'm a bad student cause I refuse to learn my lesson cause I don't want to let go of my mistakes. I cling on to this hope, to this invisible light that apparently only I see. I believe cause its all I have left. I believe cause I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This rambling has gone long enough. Love the ones nearest and dearest to you cause they is guarantee that they will be there tomorrow to hear you voice to see your eyes to feel  your love. Embrace the moments cause in the end memories is all that will keep us alive forever.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

George Jean Nathan

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight. 

Page 91-Meds, fear, Meds, anxiety, Meds, Nirvana...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


As the beads of sweat race out of my head, the internal turmoil is at its boiling point. I haven't felt this anxious in a very long, long time. My breathing gets more shallow with each word I type. I feel as if the ghost of the past rise from their graves to start their overnight shift. Working on me. They work me good and they work my efficiently. My life has had so many twists and turns that I just about ready to vomit from this tea cup ride. My stomach is a mixture of fear and pain. My heart is being pushed to its limit. My mind is on a bad trip, as visions of the future mirror scenarios from the past. I am trying so damn hard to break my defects that makes this play of life of mine so much harder. I am like a junkie wanting a fix. Someone anyone that would take inconsideration all my fears and concerns are address. I want to inject the venom that is flowing through my veins at this very moment upon my nearest innocent victim. I have taken twice the recommend dose of my anxiety meds and it seems to just make it worst. Change is hard even with the will to execute it. Whats that saying doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is called what insanity. What if you don't know another way. What if you were not taught such a thing as option 2 existed. I am just rambling at this point and if you are following me to this point well then god bless you. I really had a thought process for this post but my god has it gone awry. The meds are starting to kick in and they are numbing my heart and soul at the moment. I am escaping hoping to survive this ambush of emotions and thoughts. This is hard my god is this hard. Even with the best intentions change is freaking hard. Before the meds completely subdue my thoughts I will leave you guys with this. Life is a constant learning cause it comes with no handbook or study guide to all the constant test we are constantly being tested on.


Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
George Bernard Shaw

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 90- Life why do you take up so much of my time...

 I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me.”

-C.Joy-Bell.C-

I have been away from my desk and my head for a while. I am almost trying to remind myself why did I do this in the first place. Fame and fortune well duh of course. I would think delusion and fantasy would take the rest of the top of the list and somewhere in the mix expression. Oh yeah that pesky things, feeling and stuff. Thought and meaning to this circus of mine and the world that surrounds it. I am so bad and even keeping this blog somewhat fluid. I am pretty sure that my last post had some kind of to be continued crap at the end as if I was a real writer or something. The epic story of my time, the great voice of this generation. Wawak, wawak, wawak....
I am a messy of a human being physically, emotionally and mentally. Why am even allowed around people my wife and children is beyond me. I feel subhuman a lot of the time. I feel like I am here on guest pass of some sort just to watch and take notes for my report. My report to whom or what I don't even know. I am noticing that am drifting a bit so I am going to try to bring myself back a bit. 
It's been about a month since I wrote much of anything and I don't really even care. I have had my inspirational moments here and there but my laziness is a force to be reckoned with. It is true that I am working now and we have moved in into our place with the help of my mother who I am trying to make a saint. The paper work is ridiculous but she's worth the effort. The clan is back together and order is in dire need. Me and the old lady are functioning quite well especially with her going back to work.  Its been quite hard on her and on top of that she claims throne to the title of bread winner for the family for the time being. I am very proud of her and its like she is growing up right before my eyes. I don' take for granted anytime I have with them cause I was all alone not to long ago. I have truly been blessed. I can't really explain the joy I feel in my heart and its something I study everyday cause its very new to me. I like it and I don't want it to go away. 
I know I am getting old when my wrists are already feel the burn from this short typing session. I also need to go take my meds to. So before I go I would like to thank all of you who still follow my silly little story and I thank you for sticking it out cause there will always be more to come. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 89-I'm sick of titles and thoughts

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

"Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a 
successful personality and duplicate it"
-Bruce Lee-



I am hitting a rut once again and this song and dance is repeated so often that at this point its torment. I can't seem to find a happy medium at all. I swear life has surveillance of me twenty four seven. How else can it possibly know the minute something is turning for the better or I am having a good day or moment it smites me down and into the pit of despair I go. Do I set my self up? Do I conduct my life in a way that predetermines this type of reaction? I don't know, I hope not. But here it is a new year and the same old routine. I build myself up to have high expectations and I really do try to be positive. I even repeat my lines, everything happens for a reason, there is someone who is in a worst position than me, be grateful for the little I have, god with us then who against us, and so on and so on. But the reality of the situation is this. I sleep on a pallet of blankets as my bed. I live away from the children, I am back with my old lady but yet I feel more alone than ever, my job prospects are taking way to long.
These are the thoughts of of me nearly a month later and so much has changed. According to this I lasted posted about January 26th and this draft has been siting here since about the same time. How violent and unforgiving life is at time. We tend to forget or grow numb to its wrath and power life contains. One minute things are good, one second we are carrying a hand basket heading to hell. Well a quick update from my so called life.. Apparently I must be a unfortunate teller of my own destiny at times cause that line I wrote, there is someone who is in a worst position than me applied well to me. We were ejected from our living situation  at the beginning of this month. What the ultimate truth or motives where for that exodus we won't ever really know. Its is what it is. We as human beings have conditioned ourselves to lie first seek the truth later. I am guilty of this as much as anyone. So I now know that feeling that chicken was feeling in the childhood story.. the sky is falling. So the actual sensation of completely hitting rock bottom and realizing that you have lost even the roof over your head is so devastating  I thought I would not be able to survive it. But I got to give god credit cause he built us to be relentless sons of bitches. So after hibernating till we had to pack our stuff and leave we end up at my mom's house. The woman is a saint and I would be so lost without her. I don't think I would ever be able to truly express what that woman has done for me. She has been my saving grace and I just pray I would be able to repay the love and patience and support in this lifetime or the next. She help me and my old lady with a place nearby her house where we would be near our kids. We can now see them everyday and start mending this god awful we let fester and eat away at our family....
to be continued... 

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks 
others have thrown at him"
-David Brinkly-




I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 88-Sobering up is for the birds...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
-Johnathan Safran Foer-


I just had the most amazing sex with my wife and I am starting to give to the seduction of alcohol. I normally don't kiss and tell that much but my lose lips are running the show at the moment. I know once she finds out about this she is going to kick me ass. Not to concern about that right now. I have been in such a downward spiral for way to long not to enjoy this moment. The balance is still way off but I am trying to live in the moment. I need to express this feeling, this different mood, I think ya call it happiness. Happiness is a delusion that I desperately try to cling on to and at the moment I got it by the neck and I am winning this battle. So happiness sorry for you bud, cause your here to stay for at least a few hours. This leaves me with much to learn and much to enjoy. The sun will come up tomorrow and I will take a breath, hopefully, look over at my old lady and go meet the day. Tomorrow I have a big day with a good job prospect and a day with my children. I hope these stains of utter despair and emotional sabotage won't leave to bad of an imprint on my children's lives and personalities. When you have lost it all the sky is the limit. The world is born again and I am allowed to rise from the ashes like a phoenix and leave my mark on this world. I am not bitter like I would think I would be. Losing everything, memento's, pictures, childhood toys, my kid's toys, etc... I have learn that I will always have my memories and the ability to make new ones of my family and friends. I have much to learn and appreciate and I thank god for everything he has given me and taken as well. I didn't deserve it, I didn't learn my lessons. Everything happens for a reason, for hindsight is twenty twenty. Everything is precious cause we are here to realize that it is. 
Sobering up is for the birds. Not two seconds after I took a break from writing this did life find out I was in a good mood and knocked my teeth down my throat. I haven't been to current with my current events so here go the cliff notes. Me and my old lady had a bit of a misunderstanding about a month ago. This lead to someone having to our current living situation. The kind folks that were opening their home to us didn't want this drama unfolding in their home. So it was advised to us that one of us had to leave to settle down the situation. My old lady took off to a supposed friend's house which I knew was complete bull shit. I come to find out that she was lying to me like my gut instructed me from the get go.  Let's just say it was a very inappropriate peace for a married woman to be at. These inappropriate situations are a common theme throughout our marriage lately and because of it I have been advised by practically everyone in my life to get out of dodge. The reasoning has always been in my head. One plus One equals two and there is no room for anyone else in this equation. So when you shove a one plus one plus one it become unbalanced and chaos ensues. My heart has a gambit of scars and memories enough for a few lifetimes. Forgiveness is something that is running scarce these days. Well a certain person from this inappropriate place she was staying at send me a few pics that devastated my world. My heart start pounding so hard it felt like I had a jackhammer in my chest. My eyes swelled as my pain manifested into tears and flowed like water. Once again a nightmare had become a reality. Alice Cooper's song welcome to my nightmare plays in my head echoing as my mind goes blank with devastation. My old lady eyes freeze with panic and the air becomes thick with tension. She goes to deny it put there is nothing she can do or say to change the images burned in my mind for eternity. My eyes run in every directions screaming to jump out of my head as the source of pain gets closer to comfort me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry she says. These words are empty with sentiment to my ears, as years of such words have grown cold and useless. What now, what now. My brain is on fire as I try to process this once again. I am replaceable, I am not good enough, I am nothing, I am not loved, I am not needed, I am in pain, I am to suffer, I am back here again, I am stupid. Such phases paint themselves in the halls of my mind, so with every passing I can't help but to noticed them on my way to my journey. I wish I was drunk right now. Being sober is for the fucking birds..

“Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.” 
-Violetta Parra-


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 87-Athazagoraphobia, look it up if your curious

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

Once again the trials of life have gotten the best of me. I feel like I am drowning in pool in front of a crowd of people. True story by the way, in my case. I was about 11 yrs old and we were down from New Jersey on one of our routine Florida vacations. I was feeling quite brave day that and decide that I was going to swim in the deep end of the pool that day. It was me, my sisters, my cousins, mom, dad and my uncle. There were like freaking 12 people at the people just bullshiting. I get the bright idea of trying to swim across the middle part of the dead end of the pool only to lose my concentration and start inhaling water. Drowning and the prospect of dying are quite fascinating. Don't get me wrong I highly don't recommend it and I was shitting my pants. Every sound around when on mute and my soul started screaming, but the fear was so paralyzing that I was quiet as a mouse spewing "help..help...someone...help". My soul was screaming at the top of it lungs as gallon and gallon of dirty chlorine water filled my mouth and down my throat. I was in full panic mode. I was telling myself  "this is not happening to me, this is a dream, I still have to get up tomorrow and live out the rest of my life, I haven't had sex yet, I am going to miss the taste of hamburgers and pizza, I am never going to drive, I am never going to see my family again. All these horrible thoughts expanded themselves in my mind, as my eyes widen and the light started to fade from my skull. I took what felt like was my last breath, as the weight of the water in my body started to sink me like an anchor. I turn to see my parents one more time and I hear the wonderful scream of my mother. "OMG HE IS DROWNING!!!" I go under as I feel the waves from dad jumping into the pool and frantically swimming to my bloated body. I suddenly get a sudden burst of energy and lounge into his arms. My body went limp when I knew he had me and wasn't going to let go. In a sea of people in the middle of what felt like a sea to me, I almost became extinct. This athazagoraphobia of mine has haunted me in every aspect of my life. 

That story of my youth is just a brief example of how minuscule my existence felt. I have always felt replaceable. My current situation seems to follow that pattern. I just have reunited with my old lady again in what feels like an eternity of  fights and patches. I love her so very much, but this exchange of love and hate and taken its toll on me and her and our family. My current situation in life is a testament of the aftermath of what a decade of this kind of behavior does. I am homeless without my children and for a short period time without my old lady as well. Unfortunately most people want to get going when the tough gets going. A lesson I will soon never forget, but we as human beings are constantly flawed and recovering from such things. Such flaws leave everlasting scars that fucking hurt and when you don't address them they sometimes fester and come at you all at once. This has been happening a lot lately. Utter desperation and loneliness in a crowded room. Rivers of tears and pain. Destroying and drowning whatever foundation of hope and happiness that took me so long to build and washes me ashore to only start again. But as I sit here writing this to you that little glimmer of hope speaks in my ear, "its going to get better cause your all ready at rock bottom and can only look up." Things that once brought a smile to my face just aggravated the shit out of me. Its a very trying time and I guess what doesn't kill makes you stronger right. I just wanna punch the fucker who came up with that saying right now is all...lol.

At some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind ‒ graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens. And if you are very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last ‒ and yet will remain with you for life.Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 86-A new year of shortcomings....I hope not...I plan not...

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today

I was racking my brain on what subject matter to write about. Everyone of course is trying to start this new year with a clean slate of failures from the previous year. We constantly are reminded of what to buy and what to invest our time into by mass media. We feed into the hype we are all gun hoe and give a 100 percent for like a week, maybe two and if we are really determine a whole month. What about the other eleven months or those days that we are so sore or tempted by all that sugar and goodies. So I started to break down what really matters. We all start living ford the future and forget to live in the now. The small things that we take for granted that all ready shape our lives as of now. So I came across these few items today pissing around.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 85-Merry Late Thanksgiving

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.


Back in November when the world was celebrating turkey, bloated, crazy family time day, I was packing my things looking for a place to lay my head. Never would I imagine that this would ever apply to me and my family. As the bombshell of life and the decisions that lead to this event smacked me in the face I was in a daze and in this daze I had peace. I had the kind of calmness that was very unnatural. I started to accumulate a list in my head of everything I was thankful for. First and for most I was thankful I could think. I could breath on my own, I could walk on my own. I could use my hands, I could hear the world. I could hear my thoughts. I could see my wife and children before me. I had clothes, I had food for me and my family. I had a vehicle. I was thankful for this god awful experience of being without a home. I was thankful for my depression. I was thankful for the incredible amount of stress this event was producing. I was thankful for the pain. I was thankful for all the struggles I had collected in this last year. I was thankful for the good and bad times in my marriage, in my relationship with my kids. I was thankful that these good and bad things were happening cause it was and is for my benefit. When I will overcome these trying episodes in my life I will be better than ever. Stronger and wiser than ever. Nobody say learning isn't painful or a struggle. How can you learn if you don't fail Growing pains and trust me they are pains that hurt a lot. So here is 3 days before Christmas and I don't have a dime to my name, my kids are living elsewhere and my wife is elsewhere to. I am alone in this house with me and my thoughts and my many things to be thankful about. I have no idea how this will right itself but it always does. Things always come to a head cause life continues and stops for no one. I guess if you are reading this be thankful for what you have cause there will always be someone out there in worse shape. That's one of the few comforts I take to me to bed every night, cause I could always be taking a couple of steps in those person's shoes.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 84-They didn't teach this in high school...how to forgive

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I felt inspired by something I read that the Dalai Lama wrote. It made me think about my life and what details it entails to this moment. It made me re think my approach, it may me think everyone's approach. Thou we all mean well we are all figuring this out as we go, no matter how well or ill prepared we are. There is no right or wrong just perception. We are all giving certain god given tools and some we develop about our journey. I claim to be nothing of nothing so it gives me a canvas to build anything. I am not going to tie myself to anything other that what's important to me, just as you would I would hope. I am a simple man, boy, creature of this planet. I am a speck among billions of others. Only together can we attest to become something greater. Only alone can we sit back and admire what we have created or destroyed. This is just a speck of what follows through this brain of mine, this heart of mine. It is always for sale for whom ever is buying. We are all for sale and want to be bought by someone else that wants to collect the specks we are.

In the course of our lives we often make misguided decisions that harm ourselves or others. We do this out of ignorance. We think that a certain mode of behavior will bring us happiness when in fact it brings us suffering. Feeling of self-righteous anger and the urge for revenge may sometimes lead us to harm others in the mistaken conviction that is will benefit us and bring us some form of happiness. Actually, it creates suffering not only for the victims of our deeds but also for us. However justified we may feel, doing others harm, even in the name of revenge, severely disturbs our own peace of mind and creates conditions for own suffering. Instead of revenge, it is the notion of forgiveness that should be encouraged and developed.

If we truly act out of concern for others' well being we will recognize the potential impact of our actions on others and order our conduct accordingly. When we become angry, we stop being compassionate, loving, generous, forgiving, tolerant, and patient altogether. We deprive ourselves of the very things that happiness consists of. Anger immediately destroys our critical faculties, it tends toward rage, spite, hatred and malice. Although we may have experienced deep hurt in the past, with the development of patience and tolerance it is possible to let of our sense of anger and resentment. If we analyze the situation it is possible to realize that the past is the past, that continuing to feel anger and hatred serves no purpose. They do not change the situation, but just give us rise to further disturbance within our minds and cause our continued unhappiness. Of course we may still remembered what happen, but forgetting and forgiving are two different things. There's nothing wrong with simply remembering what happened, but with the development of forgiveness, it's possible to let go of the negative feelings associated with what took place. 

Forgiveness is not about letting of the perpetrator of some wrong, it is about freeing the victim. If you can forgive, you no longer have to concern yourself with who did what to you and how you are going to make them pay for it. You will be free of the entire burden. Cause if you think about it when you do eventually forgive you will look back at yourself and say man I wasted all that time and energy carry that burden.

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry. So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them. I have many steps that await me. Goodnight.

Page 83-Time the killer of life

As the title says its seems to me that time is killing my life. Every second I spend pondering, wallowing and wondering time takes my life. I have unfortunately have resorted to drugs to go to sleep cause I can't stop pondering, wallowing and wondering all the fucking time. The way the body and mind react to adversity leaves one almost at its mercy. The constant battle within myself to keep logic and reason in my system is exhausting. When one or someone else helps to condition yourself to feel bad and unworthy of one's self and everything else its feels impossible to recover from such a daunting thing. As I read this book, When Someone You Love Is Angry by W. Doyle Gentry, PH. D., I see the recycled pattern I keep replaying. It's a hard thing to face and accept what's been staring at you in the face the entire time. It's not even about everybody else being right or have there I told you so's ready to bomb my ears. It is a very hard thing to explain when you but every fiber and will of one's self into something and it still falls apart. Then try again and it fall apart. Then try again and it fall apart. Then try again and fall apart. You're probably tried of reading it as I am of writing and living it. Mind you that was only a few seconds of your life, now translate that feeling to a major part of your life. This is my starting point again. Feeling constantly exhausted and hope is just a ceremonial concept at this point. I just don't wanna become a graveyard of distant memories. 

We constantly strive to achieve and improve our status in life. I feel there is a purpose to all this. As I walk alone, think alone and sleep alone I am now sensitive  to my surroundings. But what good does that do me now. Watching everyone shop and be merry, well at least play the part. I feel we are trained to feel festive. Don't get me wrong its better than anything else we are condition to feel. I just miss my damn family, my nook, my little corner of the world. I just want my nook. 

Pages 81 & 82-I live with someone with PTSD and its givng me PTSD help me....

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
I was going to get on here and rant and vent about all the shit that went down today. Its been a emotionally draining and upsetting day. Sadness and pain have filled yet another of my days and I just can't seem to catch a break. Its about five in the morning and I can't sleep. I prayed once again to find guidance for I am in the same situation I was a few months ago. The only difference is that is gotten far worse and I don't see no happy ending to this tale at all. Well anyways I was doing some research and came across this and it made a lot of sense to me. It rang very true to what I have been experiencing the last couple of weeks. Its quite long so make some coffee and curl up it going to take awhile. 

Living with a person with PTSD

Living with and being supportive of a person with PTSD can be one of the most difficult things you will ever experience. My ex-girlfriend can attest to that. I suffer combat-related, delayed-onset PTSD based on my 1989 experiences as a photographer in a war zone. As my girlfriend and I part ways at the end of our lease in a few days, I decided to write this article to help others navigate the shoals of PTSD relationships with insight that can only be gained with experience, intense introspection and a lot of checking against sources on the Internet and my own therapist.

The worst heartbreak about breaking up is that both of us are still very much in love with each other and the decision that we both needed time alone to heal was only one possible outcome out of many. We both agreed in hindsight that this could have been avoided if only some past decisions and actions on both sides had been made differently. The decision to break up was a good and healthy one for both of us, but it was only one possible outcome of three years of making decisions.

This article is about what could have been done differently by both of us: PTSD properly managed earlier, my being able to give more support to a girlfriend that didn't sign up for my illness, her learning more about how to handle a person with PTSD and protecting her own self against what was essentially emotional abuse, etc.

This article is for the person that lives with a person that suffers (or, thinks they suffer) PTSD.

Understanding PTSD and your situation

Information and understanding are your only way through the maze of a relationship with a person with PTSD. The problem is that the Internet is full of misleading facts and articles and PTSD, itself, isn't like schizophrenia or a broken bone with a clear diagnosis. The fact is, there are a lot of people running around thinking they have PTSD when they don't.

Here are some facts about PTSD:

Only a tiny percentage of people that suffer severe trauma will also suffer from PTSD. Trauma can cause a lot of issues that need to be dealt with and may have long-term effects, but PTSD is a separate animal and the two terms are not interchangeable.
Although I encourage research on the Internet to understand PTSD more, it is absolutely impossible to diagnose PTSD without seeing an experienced professional therapist and/or psychiatrist over several sessions and not just one. A person can literally exhibit every single 'symptom' of PTSD listed in DSM and STILL not have PTSD.
PTSD is not curable: PTSD involves the physical creation of neural connections in the brain and once those connections are made, they can't be unmade any more than we can uncook an egg. That said, the symptoms of PTSD can be managed to the point where they simply don't come up even from triggers and in the event that PTSD does rear its ugly head, the sufferer has a vast toolbox of skills to get through it.
Therapy is absolutely needed for the sufferer and also for you. That said, brace yourself for the fact that therapy, especially for the first several months, is going to bring a lot of things up to the surface, which is going to make the symptoms seem a lot worse and even seem to create new ones. That was something my girlfriend and I were not prepared for.
Match the behavior to the symptoms, but also understand when a banana is just a banana. This is a two-part issue that becomes a bit of a balancing act. One one hand, for example, it's easy to read that 'paranoia' is one of the symptoms of PTSD, but it's another thing to experience your mate insisting that they think you're having an affair and questioning everything you're doing and forcing you to 'report to them' about every detail of your day as if you were in an interrogation. It's easy to get caught up in it and angry and defensive without being able to step back and say, "ok, that's paranoia and I know how to deal with that."

On the other hand, "anger" is also a symptom of PTSD, but sometimes a person that suffers PTSD has a legitimate reason for feeling angry with you: Dismissing their anger as a PTSD issue is rightfully going to piss them off and it's unfair to use their PTSD to avoid painful communication. As Freud famously remarked about his cigar and oral fixations: Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
The PTSD sufferer has to learn a set of skills for dealing with the PTSD. You also have to learn a set of skills to deal with the PTSD sufferer and also to protect yourself and keep yourself in an healthy place. It takes work and commitment and discipline. It takes emotional maturity.
Self-Evaluation and Therapists

Whether or not the PTSD Sufferer is seeing a therapist, you need to see one that you feel comfortable with. You need to get yourself in a mental and emotional place where you're able to deal with your loved one without getting sucked into the trap of always dealing with their symptoms. For that, you need a trusted, trained, experienced outside perspective.

When we're confronted with a situation with a person, a lifetime of learning and growing have trained us to react to the situation at hand without thinking: We think of the person and the action as one and the same. You'll be learning new skills that teach you how to see the action for what it is and the person as the person you love. Therapy will give you the set of skills on how to react in certain situations and will help you get through a tangle of anger and bitterness that you're definitely going to feel from time to time.

The most important thing is becoming emotionally mature in a way that you may not have had to be, before. Consider it a growth opportunity: As much as the PTSD sufferer is going to have to learn skills to cope with PTSD, you also need to be self-evaluating your own emotions, thoughts, reactions and behaviors to make sure you aren't silently slipping into abuse, unhappiness and your own lack of growth.

Whatever you may feel against seeing a therapist, get over it. If it's a financial issue that keeps you from seeing one, there are a lot of options available to you that are a Google Search away. If there's a stigma issue involved (police and military are traditionally adverse to seeing a therapist because they believe it will end up on their record, for example) do what you have to do to find a private therapist out of town and establish your privacy concerns.

You will NOT get through this relationship without your own therapist. If the PTSD sufferer is against you seeing a therapist and you feel safe, assert yourself: "My choice is to be healthy with you, healthy without you, or unhealthy." Don't argue the point, don't fall for any arguments they come up with, don't try to avoid them getting angry. Just repeat that and ask them which you should choose. If they choose one of the other choices, just repeat their choice back to them: "So, you want me to be unhealthy." Nothing else. Do not be emotional about it no matter what you feel.

Work with your therapist to get your loved one to see a therapist.

This requires patience, understanding, and sometimes a lot of time. It requires strategy and compassion and a lot of time. It requires strength, maturity, going through a lot of incidences and frustration and anger and a lot of time.

It may, depending on the situation, mean having the strength to present an ultimatum and having the strength and preparation to stick to it. In any case, I mentioned that if you didn't get help, your relationship was already dead in the water. If the PTSD sufferer doesn't get help with a therapist AND psychiatrist/Nurse Practitioner as a team, then your relationship is still dead in the water. Thankfully, you have a therapist to help you gain what you need for yourself to survive this milestone.

Once you and your loved one is in therapy, the real work begins. If anything I write in this article after this contradicts your therapist, bring it up to them, but always side with them and trust them and discard anything I write that your therapist doesn't agree with: I'm not a therapist, I'm speaking generally based on my experiences and facts I learned, I'm still learning.

Safety and Emotional Health

In the best of circumstances, you both are emotionally mature, you realize that one person is sick, but getting better, you're not in physical danger from the PTSD sufferer and you both are committed to getting through a long and difficult time and getting out the other side with professional help.

In most circumstances, however, both of you are in different emotional places on a long process of healing -- and hurt -- and with very different issues that you have to deal with. Depending on your situation and the symptoms of the PTSD sufferer, you have to protect yourself, first, on two levels: Physical and Emotional.

I can say that one of my own symptoms is irrational anger and even rage. That said, (thank god) I've never struck or threatened to strike my loved one even in the worse cases of flooding or irrational anger. I have, however, been startled awake by an ignorant homeless shelter staff member that shook people awake every morning, even those of us in 'clinic beds.' She ignored protocol and I had her on the ground in a wrestling lock with my hand around her throat before I was even awake. It was only the intervention of another staff member that kept me from being kicked out of the shelter and/or arrested.

If you are physically hit, punched, grabbed in anger, pushed, have something thrown at you or in your direction, verbally threatened, etc., you are in physical danger. You need to get you and any children out of that situation at the first opportunity. This doesn't necessarily mean you're permanently leaving this person, but you absolutely need physical space to deal with them without getting yourself seriously hurt or killed... by accident.

If you think you're safe because you're a big guy and the PTSD sufferer is a woman, think again.

In this very worst case scenario, you need someone else to help you mediate any further conversation so that you can tell the person you are still with them, but there are conditions and a lot of work before you'll feel safe coming back. Trust me: It's a pretty good bargaining chip to convince them they need help and to commit to whatever they have to do.

Emotional health is a little bit more difficult to evaluate and the damage to yours may be a long and invisible process that you won't recognize by yourself. A bunch of friends and a girls/boys night out with unconditional support is not the help you need: Your friends and family have themselves in the equation of any 'therapy' support they can offer you and almost none of them have experience and training to deal with both you and the PTSD situation. Everyone will have advice, though...

The danger with emotional health is that the relationship between two people becomes more and more about the 'PTSD sufferer' and 'PTSD' and how tomorrow will be better for you, but (like my girlfriend discovered) tomorrow never comes.

PTSD is a mental illness and it's suffered by a person feels that needs you to be there, no matter what they do because of their illness. They believe that every bad thing they do is just PTSD and not really them so they don't feel culpable for their actions: They didn't do 'that.' PTSD did.

They're also probably smart, both consciously and sub-consciously. They're going to do and say whatever they have to -- up to a point -- to get you to comply with whatever they think they need you to do when they need that.... whatever 'that' might happen to be. They are either going to be very convincing, or try to wear you down into complying, or both.

Emotional health involves seeing things for what they are and seeing the tactics and the needs and motivations and acting to support them, but first to protect yourself. Again, you need help with this. I cannot stress this, enough.

Extend your support base and encourage the PTSD Sufferer to extend theirs

PTSD and the PTSD Relationship can be very alienating. My girlfriend and I were already natural introverts, so that made things even worse for us: We already didn't bother with making 'friends' of even the loosest sort even before we met, we didn't join groups, we felt uncomfortable letting too many people too deeply into our lives.

Both of us learned the mistake of this and we're scrambling now to correct it.

I've been able to alienate nearly every person that ever called me their friend in the past three years of my PTSD. I've literally been banned by my own family because they got sick of me being myself one day, and a monster, the next. My girlfriend is finally having to make the tough and heartbreaking decision to leave for her own health despite being still in love with me.

Her experience is that a lot of long-time friends don't talk with her and she's too embarrassed to talk with them. She's just now, in the past few months, discovering that her own family is much stronger and more loving than mine and have always been there for her: They're going to help her move out, go back to college, etc. They've always loved her, they just needed her to turn to them, first. Same with her old friends.

You need to bring people in and learn to be a joiner and get out to do things with people on your own. You need to do this even if the PTSD sufferer objects. Whether you're an introvert, or extrovert, the fact of people around you diffuses any fear you may have of separating with your PTSD loved one.

The reason this is important is because sometimes you have to confront the person with PTSD no matter what their threats might be and your fear of the Ace they may have: They will leave you. You have to be ready to call the bluff to get that option off the table for them.

Another reason that you need to extend your support base of people is so that there's no single voice telling you what to do and giving you advice: You'll find yourself in emotional places where any single, reasonable-sounding voice will seem to be giving you good advice no matter how unprofessional, ignorant and ultimately ill-conceived.

Go to groups. Find MeetUp groups in your city by simply searching "CityName" and the word MeetUp and searching for interests that match groups that are there. Reach out to friends that you think have abandoned you by doing a simple "Hey!" on Facebook chat: You may find that they missed you and thought you were abandoning them. Look up school mates. Start hanging out once in a while with co-workers. Some people are spiritual, so churches, synagogues and mosque communities are an option outside of regular services.

Simply put, the more people you have in your corner, the stronger you are about making decisions even if it means making ultimatums. This is true whether you're an introvert with a couple of friends, or an extrovert with a lot of friends.

Whatever you decide to do, fight hard against isolating yourself.

Self-medication

I self-medicated with alcohol -- the cheapest, nastiest beer I could find -- to forget painful, intrusive memories, to cut the edge of my rage and paranoia and grief. My trigger was any heavy helicopter that would fly by (the small ones didn't bother me) so when I figured out that helicopters tended to fly by every week-day at between noon and 2 pm, I started drinking around 10 am so that it wouldn't disable me and I could keep working after being triggered.

It didn't work, but I kept fooling myself into thinking it was better than nothing. It eventually got to the point where I was 2 - 4 80z Natural Ice per day and wasn't even feeling a buzz... and found it very hard to summon up the courage to stop.

The reason I gave you this personal testimonial is because I know for a fact that my self-medication attempts made every single symptom worse and not better. Worse, it made my symptoms worse for my girlfriend.

If I was paranoid, I became obsessively paranoid and ignored any facts that didn't fit my paranoia. If I was angry, I'd become enraged or endlessly argumentative without really knowing what I was angry about and without being able to make a point in my arguments. If I was trying to get in a single day's work despite the helicopter trigger, I became worse than useless and unable to concentrate.

Drinking also kept me from being able to make use of skills such as Grounding and Breathing exercises without a great deal of effort.

It would have been a huge help if my girlfriend refused to accept my rationality that alcohol helped my PTSD and refused to support it. If she had forced me to go to AA meetings the same way she forced me to see a therapist for the first time, things might have been very different. That said, the responsibility was ultimately mine to get help and I failed her by fooling myself with Self Medication.

My advice to you is not to bully them or badger them or argue with them or threaten them into quitting whatever self-medication method they use. Especially don't blame self-medicating when they are in the middle of an episode. You will never be able to have a rational conversation with a PTSD sufferer when they are in an episode in the first place and if they are self-medicating, the whole situation becomes even more irrational and, for you, self-defeating.

Disengage from the situation with the promise that you're willing to talk about it the next day at a particular time in the morning. You may have to repeat this several times because the PTSD sufferer will not want to stop at first: They have a point to make and they want you to agree with it.... they just don't know what it is.

Try to get them to agree to stop talking until that particular time, tomorrow. Morning is important because most PTSD sufferers are 'reset' and at their freshest in the morning if there haven't been any nightmares.

The next morning, simply tell them that you want them to try and tell you why they were angry and what they wanted you to do about it. Let them talk and, except for nodding your head and the occasional "ok" do not say anything until they are done talking and there is at least 30 seconds of silence. If it's 29 seconds and they start talking, again, keep silent. If they leave, let them and when they want to talk again, ask the original question, again.

If they manage to come up with a reason for their anger and are able to last 30 seconds without talking and without leaving, ask them the following question: "Was your anger and the way you acted proportionate to the problem you had with me?"

Next, simply make the following statement: "Your self medication isn't working for me. Find another way that doesn't involve self-medication. Prescription medication from a psychiatrist is ok. Anything else isn't."

Then stop. No matter what they say, your answer is, "Your self-medication isn't working for me."

Don't threaten them. Don't argue. Don't defend your statement. Don't get emotional, no matter what they say (and they'll go through a range of arguments involving pleading, rationalizing, anger, threats, appeals to guilt and how you don't understand and don't care about them).

Stay strong and be firm on this one truth: "The self medication isn't working for YOU."

Don't fall in the trap of saying that self medication isn't working for 'them" or even that "it doesn't work." It's a trap and you'll never get out of it.

Stay strong and firm ... and patient.

Time, Commitment and Patience: Know and agree to your limits.

If you think that getting through this is going to take a day, a week, a month, a single year... you're fooling yourself. The question -- this is deadly serious -- is how much time and commitment and patience you're willing to devote to this person and the fact that they are always going to have PTSD. They will some day be able to manage their symptoms if they work hard and YOU work hard at it and on yourself.

If you tell the PTSD sufferer that you'll always be there with them, no matter what, and then leave a couple years down the road because it just becomes too hard and you believe life for yourself would be better without their problems, you seriously hurt two people. It's unrealistic to promise that you'll be there, no matter what.

If the person with PTSD refuses to get help, continues to self-medicate, drives away all your friends and family, isolates you, keeps you from growing, makes you feel badly about yourself, etc. ... you're going to either hate them, or leave them, or both.

You have to be honest with your loved one about what you can deal with and for how long you're willing to put up with things if they aren't working to improve. Before you can be honest with your loved one, though, you have to be honest with yourself. If you're not really willing to go down the long road of their recovery with them, then don't bother going a short distance of making your own guilt feel better by helping them 'a little bit' until they're on their feet... only to leave them, then with clean hands.

This isn't a decision you can make in a day or a week and I highly recommend talking to your therapist about it. In the end, though, you need to one day sit down with the PTSD Sufferer and spell it out what you're willing to do, for how long and what THEY need to do for themselves if they want you to stick around.

The reason I make this point is because you are the main support structure that the PTSD sufferer depends on for their mental health. If they think you're going to be there and you suddenly withdraw your support, you've essentially pulled the rug out from under them in every possible way. You will essentially have taken every effort and improvement they've made and thrown it in their face.

It's dangerous for them. If you aren't willing to commit, then be honest, swallow whatever guilt you feel, and do them the favor of not letting them depend on quicksand.

With a straight, honest talk, however, and an agreement that you'll be there IF they do certain things in a reasonable amount of time (or are at least making a visible effort to accomplish those things), you'll agree to stay... if they don't keep to it and work hard and you leave, then it's on them. Not you.


I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 80-Keep taking it on the chin no matter how bloody it gets

I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
Bertlot Berchlt

Today has been another day of just daunting emotional crisis. I know that saying, God will not give you more than you can handle. I beginning to question that saying. I don't know where to begin my venting of what has occurred and what has been for awhile. I believe I last left off on our current status of being homeless and dealing with that trauma in itself. I really try to keep my head up as much as I can, but it seems the more I lift it the more of a target I seem to be. I have exhausted all my god given patience and I am lost. The fact that I have fallen further than I have ever dreamed of is frighting in itself. I have lost more than I thought I had to lose. My kids, my home, my possessions, my self esteem, my dignity, my will, and lately my soul it feels like.  For instance on the day we got kicked out, the night before Thanksgiving a sign of hope rose from the rubble. My old lady gave me my wedding band. I had refuse to wear mine cause she didn't have her's anymore. She pawned it during our separation. I felt it was wrong to only display half of the union that is our marriage. So that night while we were packing she came up to me all excited cause her grama's ring finally  fit on her finger. I saw this as a glimpse of hope here we are at one of the lowest part of our lives and this symbol of unity, love, commitment, and support shows itself. My go to saying everything happens for a reason pops into my head. I'm telling myself that in the not to distant future we will look back at this time as something that strengthen our resolve our will to make it after all. Today feels like the last nail in the coffin instead. Before the events of today transpire, there has been a series of events that have help lead to this bombardment of emotional scaring. I think describing the act itself will give you a better perspective at what is going on.
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a , creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
This kind of behavior has left me feeling almost nothing anymore. I do strike back with my own verbal tongue lashing cause I can only sit there and take so much. I am human and I do have feelings, whatever is left at this point I am not sure. I am loser, fat, lazy, not willing to support my family among other things. I accept that I have not put my best foot forward when it comes to the job situation. I have been in a bit of trance ever since my nervous breakdown back at the end of April. I'm not excuse my lack of effort but I am trying to give you a bit of a timeline. I never have had a breakdown like that before, where my body betrayed me and I lost control of it. There was no handbook to recover from it properly. I am learning as I go and obviously I am fucking up as I go to.
Today things got really bad. It all started with me not responding accordingly to her likening it seems.
From there it quickly and swiftly deteriorated to an all out abusive war with both parties throwing out bombs and cause immense damage. Where it got out of hand is when she but her hands on me again. It's a trend that's been happening quite a bit the last couple of weeks. It's something new. I am quite a large man so when this happens I have to be very careful on how I don't respond compare to how I would like to respond. I am not a violent person but I do not like anyone putting their hands on me either. Its a very delicate situation and one I have being part of. I literally come out shaking and in a panic cause I can't believe this is happening to me. My anxiety goes through the roof cause I detest violence always have. I have the means to easily defend myself due to my very large nature, but my passive one takes lead always. Once its done its done there is no coming back from it is what I constantly remind myself. Also in the midst of it I try my best to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who is not mentally well. Like my therapist says I have a full deck she doesn't. But my question is how many more times is it going to take before something happens that  not me or her can come back from. How many I am sorry or hugs and kisses is going to make up for the damage. Scars are scars. They stay scars cause you can heal scars. As she has tearfully say where do we go from here and now I tearfully say where do I go from here.

“The moment she was cursed, I lost her. Once it wears off- soon- she will be embarrassed to remember things that she said, things she did, things like this. No matter how solid she feels in my arms, she is made of smoke.”
Holly Black

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 79-Homeless but not Soulless

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

 Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless cup of coffee till the last sip. Then and only then we find the sugar lying a the bottom. That's life in a nutshell, bitter then sweeten but not well stir. I guess I'll have myself another cup and see how it goes.

Richie G..

Last time I was on here on was in quite a rush. I believe I was giving a quick update on the status of my ongoing saga. I was also thinking about doing a typical what I am thankful type of post, but as the cookie crumbles I have a mess on my hands once again and its time to clean up. It is Saturday night and its quite different from last Saturday night. To start off I don't have a home like I did. I don't have my children like I did. I don't have a bed like I did. I don't have some of possessions like I did and finally I don't have my sanity like I did. What's been occurring these last two and half months has been a roller-coaster of decisions and emotions beyond my wildest imagination. My initial decision to reunite with my wife was a very difficult one in the sense of the history and the perception of it all. The water under our unified bridge since the inception of our relationship should have flooded away anything and everything ever built between us and beyond. The amount of emotional distress and just not knowing what the fuck we were doing has created some permanent scars that are almost impossible to ignore. This kind of mishandling of this precious thing we share between us has left a wake of destruction that very tragic and unfortunate. The flip side of this tragedy is this amazing sensation that fills my heart and soul. The overwhelming feeling of sensation that occupies my usual vacant heart is beyond my vocabulary of words to use to describe it. Here I am homeless, childless, and insane and I am ranting about the pitfalls and exhilarating aspects of love. The way I look at is as soon as I am done with this rant I'll have plenty of time to marinate in the shitty aspects of my current situation. 
So the next logical step would be to give a little detail of how this scenario  got cooked up. Well the fall of Rome began about 4 weeks ago. My old lady had an awesome set up of paid housing, paid transportation, paid necessitates, and paid wants mainly cigarettes. In return she was to take care of the landlord's 85 year old mother. The reality of the setup was as few scheduled meals through the day make sure she takes her medication and spend time with her. Usually by going out and smoking cigarettes with her a few times throughout the day. Yes the availability of the situation kind of sucked by the physical labor was quite easy at least in my book. Well one of the stipulations was that she not socialize to much with the tenants. We lived in a duplex of sorts it was 4 apartments joined together in one long stretch nicknamed The Ranch. Well that didn't sit pretty with my old lady so she decided to continue in her ways and not  abide by their wishes. This lead to much conflict in the household and honestly between me and her until it finally came to a head. The intensity of the tension finally sparked and the claws came out. Needless to say she was fired from her gig. Once that judgement was made the beginning of the end was in order. As the days turn to weeks the tension and stress was so thick you could cut it with whatever you could find. A couple of blow ups occurred and I tried my hardest to keep the peace and buy us some time. The situation put a strain on our relationship with each other and with the kids. There seem no way out of this without it being a complete disaster. So here comes the day before thanksgiving and after an initial attempt to apologize and mend some hurt feelings it eventually lead to the end of our extended stay. I mean I understand the emotional brutality  that occurred but to ask us to leave the night before thanksgiving was unheard of. She seems to have checked out emotionally and under her supposed Christian value system with much ease seem to be fine that by the end of the night there was a very good chance me and my family would be sleeping in the car. A night were the temperature was dropping rapidly. But this is a quick reminder that the outside world push come to shove don't give a shit. So here I go packing again and shipping off like the gypsy's we have become it seems. As I held in my tears and watched everyone else unleash theirs, I had no answer and soon no roof to call home and lay me head. To be continued... 


  I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight

Page 78-Lazy update

I would like to say I have pretty worn shoes. So I would like to suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.

I haven't written in awhile once again. This is becoming a theme I am not happy with, but as usual I am the sole reason for that. Things are rocky. Things between me and her. Things between us and the wonderful people helping us. Things with the universe in general. They say don't give up cause that's when usually something good is coming. I been down this road before. I haven't done all of my best to improve this situation I will admit. I am currently at the Haines City Library on one of their public computers. I just failed my CDL learner's permit written exam. I been approved by Disney to be accepted in their bus training program. I passed 2 of the 3 required test. I can retake the test again but it going be ten bucks a pop. I already owe them ten for today, but as they say everything happens for a reason. My old lady's health is declining again and her management of pain has made it difficult at times. I running short on time so I won' t be able to fully explain a lot of the details about what's been going on. I just kinda of venting a bit. I feel worthless cause I can even keep this blog updated. I'm in a bit of rut of sorts and looking to rise up and move forward. Just trying to take it one minute at a time for the moment. So I was just say hi and checking in with everyone who takes the time to take a peak at my non important life. I will be back...

Normally I would write my usual sign off statement but I can' t remember for the life of me. Fml..

Page 77-Letter from the heart part 3

This is the final one in the series.

Page 76-Letter from the heart part 2

This is the second one of the three in the series.

Page 75-Letter from the heart part 1

Here is one of three of the letters I will be posting.
This is just a snapshot of what travels through my heart. 

I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight