I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
When I last left off, my emotional and mental state was different than what it is now. I'm a bit more calm and forgiving of the actions I am about to unvail. This does not excuse any of it. This is how time numbs us with its power.
Well to continue with the saga. One of the stipulations I warned her about was that I wasn't going to facilitate was her talking to the children. Here is my logic. If she broke thier little hearts once why would I open them up to the possibility of it happing again. So after I got home from the hospital, from my nervous breakdown, I felt very anxious. Walking into the same house where the collapse of my life occurred was very difficult. Walking through that door felt like a morgue. Nothing but pictures of many deaths flooded my mind. My breathing labored as I took my walk to my room. My legs buckled as I tried to absorb whatever energy she left behind. Its all that I have left of her. Nothing real, nothing to hold or smell. Just my thoughts, memory and heartache. I stared at the closet as empty hangers hung like the now empty promises she had made to me and the kids.My arms grew so tried as I filled the empty drawers with my clothes. It felt like a bottomless pit. Everytime I put more clothes in part of me left me as well. No matter what I did the void inside of me was unrelenting. I had to completely detach myself from her nipple. Whatever she was feeding me wasn't healthy for me. The uncontrolable bouts of crying episodes were brutal. This time around it was different. This time it was more deep than I imagine. I didn't pine for her. I didn't fight for her . I was just defeated. I was defeated and broken. I think this time it is worst cause the pain is so silent. It like a cancer slowly turning one's body against itself. So I took all this in and stood firm with my descion in not letting her communicate with them. I could not let her infect them and inject them with that toxicity. I just couldn't see there being any other option. This madness had to be contained. You can call me an asshole for it if you want but I just didn't see the point in having a over the phone parent. It just doesn't work. It's one thing if you live near by and can interact with them, then having a phone connection with them makes complete sense. Apparently she did not agree with my assessment of the situation at hand. Then slowly but like clockwork came the flood of negativity. The text messages and voicemails. The language and hatefulness was very overwhelming. When the threats didn't yield any results them came the police. Yep 50 got involved with this mess. She accused drugs and god knows what else, to the point where they were making weekly well being checks. Now whenever my daughter sees a cop she fears that they are going to take her away. Bless her little heart I overheard one night praying to keep the cops away that I was a good daddy. These are a few of the reasons I didn't want her to communicate with them. Things are to chaotic and only chaos woukd thrive in this kind of environment. We sll needed a cooling off period. Don't get me wrong I want her to help raise our kids cause its her right and responsibility. I love my kids but its very diffcult to do this on your own. Will she be a good influence on them is yet to be seen. Only time will tell her story. Now that the background story has been set, now to the meat of the story that has left an everlasting impression in so many lives...to be continued
"Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny."
- Charles Reade
"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Vivir para contarla Living to tell the tale
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
Well to continue with the saga. One of the stipulations I warned her about was that I wasn't going to facilitate was her talking to the children. Here is my logic. If she broke thier little hearts once why would I open them up to the possibility of it happing again. So after I got home from the hospital, from my nervous breakdown, I felt very anxious. Walking into the same house where the collapse of my life occurred was very difficult. Walking through that door felt like a morgue. Nothing but pictures of many deaths flooded my mind. My breathing labored as I took my walk to my room. My legs buckled as I tried to absorb whatever energy she left behind. Its all that I have left of her. Nothing real, nothing to hold or smell. Just my thoughts, memory and heartache. I stared at the closet as empty hangers hung like the now empty promises she had made to me and the kids.My arms grew so tried as I filled the empty drawers with my clothes. It felt like a bottomless pit. Everytime I put more clothes in part of me left me as well. No matter what I did the void inside of me was unrelenting. I had to completely detach myself from her nipple. Whatever she was feeding me wasn't healthy for me. The uncontrolable bouts of crying episodes were brutal. This time around it was different. This time it was more deep than I imagine. I didn't pine for her. I didn't fight for her . I was just defeated. I was defeated and broken. I think this time it is worst cause the pain is so silent. It like a cancer slowly turning one's body against itself. So I took all this in and stood firm with my descion in not letting her communicate with them. I could not let her infect them and inject them with that toxicity. I just couldn't see there being any other option. This madness had to be contained. You can call me an asshole for it if you want but I just didn't see the point in having a over the phone parent. It just doesn't work. It's one thing if you live near by and can interact with them, then having a phone connection with them makes complete sense. Apparently she did not agree with my assessment of the situation at hand. Then slowly but like clockwork came the flood of negativity. The text messages and voicemails. The language and hatefulness was very overwhelming. When the threats didn't yield any results them came the police. Yep 50 got involved with this mess. She accused drugs and god knows what else, to the point where they were making weekly well being checks. Now whenever my daughter sees a cop she fears that they are going to take her away. Bless her little heart I overheard one night praying to keep the cops away that I was a good daddy. These are a few of the reasons I didn't want her to communicate with them. Things are to chaotic and only chaos woukd thrive in this kind of environment. We sll needed a cooling off period. Don't get me wrong I want her to help raise our kids cause its her right and responsibility. I love my kids but its very diffcult to do this on your own. Will she be a good influence on them is yet to be seen. Only time will tell her story. Now that the background story has been set, now to the meat of the story that has left an everlasting impression in so many lives...to be continued
"Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny."
- Charles Reade
"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Vivir para contarla Living to tell the tale
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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