I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
I was walking through the grocery store yesterday and it hit me. It hit me really fucking hard. I'm doing this. I'm shopping for my kids. I'm looking around me and see a bunch of families shopping. I mean I know what I have been doing this whole time, but it seems that my feelings have finally chased me down. The robotic mechanism that keeps my emotions in check is malfunctioning. I'm overwhelmed with raw emotion. She is really gone. One day all of this will end and all will be lost to the world. Is this why I chase the rabbit down the hole. Just for the chase so I have a purpose. Why am I convinced that I need her? What the fuck is she doing right now? Shopping for 2. Sleeping in? Does her heart even beat anymore? She like a vampire, she feeds on you and almost bleeds you dry. She's smart cause she'll leave enough life in you to recover so she can feed later on when she's needs you. I'm at fault again. I am guilty of my actions followed by my heart. A wise friend told me once that your heart will betray you always. That we have to think with our minds and push emotion to the side.
30 things to stop doing to yourself
1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
I am constantly doing these 2 things over and over. I'm being counter productive. This explains why I'm in the postion I'm in. The fact that I'm aware of this terrible habit is what really burns me. Me and my old lady been talking for the past week. She's been expressing her regret and wants to come home. Home, what is home? What's my home? Mind you that I love my family very much and there is no doubt that I would be lost without them. But the reality of the situation is that I'm living with my mom and this is her home. So I have no home to bring her back. Bring her back as all if you read in horror I'm sure. Why do I fight for her to pay attention to me? Why do I feel I need to torment myself to the point of no return before I give up? I give up only to start the cycle again. Once again I'm in my hamster wheel going nowhere. For what? She left disrespecting me, my family, my children and especially herself in the process. She left for another man cause she couldn't handle the ups and downs of life. She blames everyone so easily rather than herself. She has no grit. When the tough gets going she gets going. She continues to overlooks what I'm worth. Of course until the shit hits the fan and she comes calling for me to save the day. I'm no savior. I can't even save myself at the moment. As I write all these things about I've yet have not had the switch turned to off. One of the few pieces of advice that has resonated with me. This person also suffered a similar situation with her marriage. She as I, was yanked in all kinds of direction pertaining to her marriage. She said to me do what you think is best for your family. Don't rush anything let time play it out. If its meant to work out it will. It takes both of you to make it happen with your actions. Words will always follow great deeds of actions. At the end of the day its your life, you have to sleep with yourself and awake with the same person. One day you'll wake up and the switch will be set to off.
Then the aspect of me over thinking. I think it's pretty obvious I do that quite well. I refuse to really confront the reality of my situation and refuse to make a decisive. Its to risky to leave the mundane safety of my hamster wheel.
"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."
- Jo Coudert, Advice From A Failure
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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