Iwould like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."
- Jacques Prvert
Well me and my mother just got into a bit if an argument. She was again is referring to my old lady as the crazy one and its getting on my nerves. Look I am not blind to the facts in my on going saga. I know the things she's done and what's she capable. I've spoken about some of the issues that have occurred and some I haven't. The point is she has a name like you and me. I feel she doesn't respect my boundaries and my feelings. I love my mother. My mother is my rock right now. I would be in much worse shape if it wasn't for her unknowingly support at times. She is my biggest critic. She is one of the most confusing people I know as well. For example she has given me this complex about food. I call her the Food Nazi, lol. I have always had a a weight issue my entire life. This issue has created a gateway to other problems in my life. Self worth, depression, social anxiety, alienation and so on. She's been on my ass for as long as I can remember about my eating habits. I'll admit I ate like shit for most of my life until recently. God bless her intentions but her execution is god awful. She would catch me eating like cookies and would give me the riot act. Its pure sugar, its going to be the death of you, look at how fat your getting, blah,blah,blah. After being berated about an hour later she would try to feed me a full course meal. Mind you I just finished stuffing my face with cookies. This cycle was perpetrated most of my life. I eventually became this hoarder of food. Hiding stuff in my room, lying that I haven't ate to appease her when she served me dinner and getting so full that it got hard to breath at times. These kind of mix signals confused me all the time. What made it worst was the fact I couldn't verbalize my thoughts and feelings to her cause she just wasn't open to it. I know she'll never read this, so I feel safe speaking my mind without guilt or consequence. She'll probably never get to know the real me, but sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. Then the argument went into my meds I take for depression and anxiety. She started preaching to me how I don't need to be on those meds cause I was allowing the devil to manifest himself in my life. Since I wasn't looking for god in my life I was allowing myself to be chained down by this affliction. I blew my stack a bit. This is why I don't say anything about my recent therapy session. This is why I strongly believe the less she knows the better. She is old school and she isn't willing to update herself. I struck back at her saying was I a vessel back when I was 7 years old and was aware that something was off about me. I don't enjoy being afraid of life. I don't plan out to sit in a dark room all day and not live life to the fullest. All these negative habits feel completely normal to me. That's why I do them without thinking twice. It's not till I'm neck deep in shit until I step back and look at myself. I then see what I've done once again. I don't find the strength to push through cause it's pointless. My will has been in shambles for so long I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it. That's my life in a nutshell. That's a peak at what my perceptive is on life. For these reasons is why I write this blog. Why I play music and create. Why I am on my stupid meds. So I can finally get a grip on my life before I'm on my deathbed going what the fuck happened. This is just another day in the life of yours truly and we have just scratched the surface.
"At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you're living your life doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're comfortable with it."
- Phillip C. McGraw
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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