I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
My emotions are worned thin. My mind and soul are restless. My heart is as dangerous as ever. What has been ocurring these last few days are tale yet to find its ending. Once it has played out I will then share the details. All I can say pray, wish, whatever is your spiritual way for ne and my family. I will never turn down a helping hand or a kind word. Back to the saga...
Well about 2 weeks ago something really bad happened. It shook the foundation of my belief in human spirit. It strengthened my theory that at the core we are animals. Push come to shove we naturally seek retaliation. As I been speaking about lately me and my old lady have been hitting a really bad patch. My approach to the children situation was to protect them at all cost. Its a pretry standard policy for most parents. Well I didn't take in consideration someone who is ill and not the correct mind frame. A mental disorder is as serious as any other real illness. I'm not excusing her actions or behavior. Instead of persecuting Frankenstein lets try and find out what makes the beast throw the little girl into the water.
Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, serious injury or the threat of death.The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyperarousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.
Difficulty falling or staying asleep, Irritability or outbursts of anger, Difficulty concentrating, Hypervigilance (on constant "red alert"), Feeling jumpy and easily startled.
Anger and irritability, Guilt, shame, or self-blame, Substance abuse, Feelings of mistrust and betrayal, Depression and hopelessness, Suicidal thoughts and feelings, Feeling alienated and alone, Physical aches and pains
Previous traumatic experiences, especially in early life, Family history of P
TSD or depression, History of physical or sexual abuse, History of substance abuse, History of depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, High level of stress in everyday life, Lack of support after the trauma, Lack of coping skills
Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb, Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)
Most people who experience a traumatizing event will not develop PTSD. However, because women are more likely to experience more high impact trauma, they are more likely to develop PTSD than men. Children are less likely to experience PTSD after trauma than adults, especially if they are under 10 years of age.
As I sit here reading through these symptoms and signs, I can't help but start my own list of what I recognize. My intentions with this subject of post traumatic stress disorder was to try to give some insight on the possible thought and descion process of my old lady. Instead I have seem to put the spotlight on myself. Something that makes me horribly uncomfortable. I can't help but get side tracked with my on going story again. I feel as vulnerable as a cold winter's night. My heart races a thousand times a minute as these words play out in my head. Guilt, shame, betrayal, depression and hopelessness. The list goes on and on. I am lost as a child in a toy store. I think the fact that I was sexually abuse has a child has finally caught up with in this race we call life. I was molested by a family member starting around the age of five. I'm trying to remember around when it finally stopped. I think I was around 12 or so. Its hard to remember, so hard. My visual memory of the events are as foggy and violent as a blizzard. The ice cold numbness still runs through my veins as if to protect me from the fire of pain waiting to escape st all times. The windows are slowly opening in the house of horrors that I have lived in for way to long. As I sit recollecting the puzzle pieces and recreating the pictures again, I ask why. Why now? Why like this? What's the reason for this aspect of my life to be brought to light now? I suppose everything has its shelf life and now is the time to dust this off. I smile nervously as I think when threatened a animal shows its teeth,. Maybe humor has been my defense mechanism for as long as I can remember. I can't believe I'm talking about this. Its finally off my chest. All the nights of analyizing the secernios in my head. The cause and effects of what happened. How it would effect my emotional relationship with my old lady, my kids, my friends and family. Its finally the beginning of the process. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's honest to me and that's always been easy. I can't push the details out yet, I can't force this as I was forced to do things I didn't want. Maybe thats always been a link of sorts. I never forced anyone to do or say anything they didn't want cause of how I knew it made me feel. Alone, scared, abandoned and numb. To be contiuned always..
"I slept and dreamed that life was beauty.I awoke -- and found that life was duty."
- Ellen Stugis Hooper
"To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil by evil is evil."
- Prophet Mohammed
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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