I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
cha·os
noun
1 obsolete : chasm, abyss
2 a often capitalized : a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct form
b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex
3 a : a state of utter confusion
b : a confused mass or mixture
I think this is my next state of progression. Controlled chaos is the best description I can come up with. I'm slowly moving underneath the rock that was crushing me. Thou I found some sort of comfort in that slow steady pain as well. Not a good thing but I'm finally taking the proper steps to better myself. As I sit here at the doctor's office I can only help but be reminded of her. My controlled chaos is definitely in effect. Do I not know how to function without her? I'm surprise I can still shove food into my gullet and wipe my own ass without her in my brain reminding me so. I am surrounded by children cause this is a pediatric office. This one kid keeps running into my foot, stares at my foot, walkes by it and on his way back runs into my foot again. I mean come on is he dopey or just an asshole I'm still trying to figure it out. These little games is what I use to keep me occupied so I don't let my anxiety take over and I run out of this office. Everyone is staring at me cause I'm the only adult in here by myself. Now these rugrats are beating on the kiddie table like the savages they are. How did I manage when my kids were this young? Oh that's right I was held at gunpoint by fatherhood! Its amazing what we are capable of if we allow ourselves to be a vessel to our potential. I mean it only took me 2 months to get to this point. I'm waiting to be picked apart by a complete stranger I'm suppose to trust cause of a piece on thier wall. Its insane the things we are willing to submit ourselves to certain people but not others. Everyone has thier own cubbie hole. There is order in insanity. I mean if there wasn't how else would we be able to acknowledge and define it. I mean the whole concept of life is full of strangers. When we are conceived its 2 strangers going at it. When we are born it takes time for the parents to figure out this little person patterns and traits. First time in school and work and so on you get the picture. Its this ingrained process we are taught throughout our lives that allows most of us to function and excell in this complex world we have created. So many of us are casualties cause we don't fully grasp the concept. Our mind and soul are not in sync. Basic human functions go awry, manifest, and manipulate our lives. Fear, chaos, sadness, and pain run hand in hand through our lives destabilizing any foundation we attempt to set. I picture it like the tasmanian devil running a muck like in the cartoons.
There's nothing nobody can do but wait till it's over to survey the damage. As I sit here writing this I wonder when my taz moment will approach again. I'm hoping that I'm past those self destructive moments but its really difficult to gauge it at the moment.
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin
"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, 'Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.' We can decide to risk that He is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
- Joan Wester Anderson
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
No comments:
Post a Comment