I would like to start by saying I have pretty worn out shoes. So I would suggest some clean socks for this brief journey today.
"The more you suffer , the more you show you really care."
- The Offspring, Smash
My mind won't allow my heart to take a break. I actually have a metallic taste in my mouth at the moment. I feel like I'm running from something towards something worse. The anxiety is mutating my ability to ge logical at the moment. The fact is what I'm feeling is all self induced and I feel stupid for it. I feel to much right now. I'm completely overwhelmed with images and scenarios that they are comical. So comical that I'm embarrassed to even write them down. Me and her, the kids are going to be just fine and happy. Ha! We are going to love each other so much that all will be forgiven and forgotten. Ha, ha!! We will prove the world wrong and be a shining example to our children on how faith and love will conquer all. Ha, ha, ha!!! My eyes tear up as I sit here alone writing this to a faceless audience. My bed has the scent of dirty socks and stale baby powder. My kids will awake to yet another day without thier mother. She will awake next to her boyfriend. My heart will remain torn and open so the maggots can feast and hollow me out as I feel every piece chewed and swallowed. The voice of friends, family, and my children will occupy my time but can't cure me of my affliction. I am my own worst enemy and escaping is not a good enough reason. Welcome to 15 minutes of my daily struggle, the war within, that I can't seem to find peace or reason. The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. I don't know if I'm learning anything at all. After going through that bit of self torture last night I finally fell asleep only to be woken up by the screams of my mom at the front door. I jumped out of bed and ran towards the front door. Thoughts of rape or murder are dashing right next to each other as I get to the door. I prepare myself to go into a life and death struggle with the will to end who ever started this. I feverishly scrape at the lock on the door to offer her some relief. My heart pounds like the thunderstorm of anger I'm willing to unleash to protect my mom. In a split second I rip the door open and everything stops. My fear, my anger, my desperation all withers away. Then my heart sinks and breaks at the sight my eyes stumbled upon. This baby kitten is pawing at my mom's leg desperately trying to get in. The kitten was starving and deathly afraid of the world it was thrust upon. I immediately hold our enormous Doberman so it doesn't eat it as a snack. I can't get involved. I can't care for someone else, not now. Not at 5 in the morning, not today, not tomorrow. I go back to my room and shut down my feelings. I hear the cries of this innocent scratching at the door, scratching into my conscious. I can't help but to see this as a metaphor for my old lady. Thou not an innocent her infantile actions and descions have left her crying and wanting to come home. Wanting to be save from the scray world she is ill prepared to function in. Like the kitten I to must turn my back on her. I must shutdown my emotions to protect myself. I can not take the chance of saving her cause I know now I can't. I have lost myself to many times in the process. I have to save myself, it sounds selfish but if I'm out if comission then what good am I to anyone. That's kind of the state I'm in now. She must weather the storms of life and survive to see the sunshine again. If its meant to be it will and life goes on regardless cause by the end of this two things happened. I fell back asleep eventually and the kitten when on to its destiny. Till we meet again.
To love is a thing of honor...most ppl cant do it. What ever she gave was all she had..its like a child who does not know something. Why would anger be appropiate if the person just does not know any better. Betrayal is rough...but it was a choice. Ppl tend to make bad choices. That is the fool.
-Deziyah Harvey
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
"The more you suffer , the more you show you really care."
- The Offspring, Smash
My mind won't allow my heart to take a break. I actually have a metallic taste in my mouth at the moment. I feel like I'm running from something towards something worse. The anxiety is mutating my ability to ge logical at the moment. The fact is what I'm feeling is all self induced and I feel stupid for it. I feel to much right now. I'm completely overwhelmed with images and scenarios that they are comical. So comical that I'm embarrassed to even write them down. Me and her, the kids are going to be just fine and happy. Ha! We are going to love each other so much that all will be forgiven and forgotten. Ha, ha!! We will prove the world wrong and be a shining example to our children on how faith and love will conquer all. Ha, ha, ha!!! My eyes tear up as I sit here alone writing this to a faceless audience. My bed has the scent of dirty socks and stale baby powder. My kids will awake to yet another day without thier mother. She will awake next to her boyfriend. My heart will remain torn and open so the maggots can feast and hollow me out as I feel every piece chewed and swallowed. The voice of friends, family, and my children will occupy my time but can't cure me of my affliction. I am my own worst enemy and escaping is not a good enough reason. Welcome to 15 minutes of my daily struggle, the war within, that I can't seem to find peace or reason. The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. I don't know if I'm learning anything at all. After going through that bit of self torture last night I finally fell asleep only to be woken up by the screams of my mom at the front door. I jumped out of bed and ran towards the front door. Thoughts of rape or murder are dashing right next to each other as I get to the door. I prepare myself to go into a life and death struggle with the will to end who ever started this. I feverishly scrape at the lock on the door to offer her some relief. My heart pounds like the thunderstorm of anger I'm willing to unleash to protect my mom. In a split second I rip the door open and everything stops. My fear, my anger, my desperation all withers away. Then my heart sinks and breaks at the sight my eyes stumbled upon. This baby kitten is pawing at my mom's leg desperately trying to get in. The kitten was starving and deathly afraid of the world it was thrust upon. I immediately hold our enormous Doberman so it doesn't eat it as a snack. I can't get involved. I can't care for someone else, not now. Not at 5 in the morning, not today, not tomorrow. I go back to my room and shut down my feelings. I hear the cries of this innocent scratching at the door, scratching into my conscious. I can't help but to see this as a metaphor for my old lady. Thou not an innocent her infantile actions and descions have left her crying and wanting to come home. Wanting to be save from the scray world she is ill prepared to function in. Like the kitten I to must turn my back on her. I must shutdown my emotions to protect myself. I can not take the chance of saving her cause I know now I can't. I have lost myself to many times in the process. I have to save myself, it sounds selfish but if I'm out if comission then what good am I to anyone. That's kind of the state I'm in now. She must weather the storms of life and survive to see the sunshine again. If its meant to be it will and life goes on regardless cause by the end of this two things happened. I fell back asleep eventually and the kitten when on to its destiny. Till we meet again.
To love is a thing of honor...most ppl cant do it. What ever she gave was all she had..its like a child who does not know something. Why would anger be appropiate if the person just does not know any better. Betrayal is rough...but it was a choice. Ppl tend to make bad choices. That is the fool.
-Deziyah Harvey
I'm out of steam and have a pounding headache. Thank you for your time cause its the most precious gift we carry.So please spray the shoes and return them where you found them.I have many steps that await me.Goodnight
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